The “Depressive Dream Girl” of online dating

November 16, 2017 7:19 AM

I Pretended to Be Emily Dickinson on an Online Dating Site Would a lovelorn poet, obsessed with death and privacy, be able to woo a modern man?
posted by Miko (40 comments total)

The most highlighted bit:

Apparently, on OkCupid, you’re allowed to be a harassing perv, but under no circumstances can you pretend you’re a dead poet.

Can confirm, harassing pervs abound, though OkCupid does have a newish algorithm that suggests it has noticed some possibly inappropriate language in a message, and removes the friction for reporting.

I bet a guy profile who pretended to be a male poet would stand. Which I am now sad I will not have the energy to try. I don't have the energy to interact with a dating site to actually get dates (de-activated my account a few weeks ago. it feels pretty good, actually.).

I have a funny feeling that pretending to be a straight man on the internet would take less emotional energy than being an actual living woman on the internet. I've never been brave enough to try because the consequences of getting "caught" seem pretty unpleasant. Oh wow. That was an understatement.
posted by bilabial at 7:35 AM on November 16, 2017 [5 favorites]

I've seen these type of stunts before; some people just really, really don't get online dating.
posted by Melismata at 7:36 AM on November 16, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm out of the poet-dating game. Oh God, that moment when they expect you to have something to say about their new work. "That's....nice, love. But this bit here, does Death really go around like that in, what, some kind of conveyance?"
posted by thelonius at 7:41 AM on November 16, 2017 [21 favorites]

I have a funny feeling that pretending to be a straight man on the internet would take less emotional energy than being an actual living woman on the internet.

From experience, in some internet spaces, you are assumed to be a straight man unless you go out of your way to say otherwise. Of course it doesn't mean everything is hunky dory; the various bigoted comments might not be directed at you personally if you are assumed to be a straight white man etc., but they still get slung around so you'll never forget the toxicity of the environment :)
posted by inconstant at 7:43 AM on November 16, 2017 [3 favorites]

I mean, she was kinda the archetypal manic pixie dream girl, slightly divorced from reality..
posted by k5.user at 8:02 AM on November 16, 2017

The entire point of the MPDG trope is that the character in question is being used to catalyze the protagonist's development at the expense of her own. Emily Dickinson was a person, not a fictional character, and I daresay she has well and truly eclipsed any other person in her life.
posted by inconstant at 8:13 AM on November 16, 2017 [13 favorites]

So, other than being an Dickinson impersonator what else are you interested in?

Politely asking a parody account about their real life is untoward?
Heaven forbid people use a dating site to find and meet people with shared interests.

I am willing to go out on a limb and state that 0 of the men who contacted her thought she was literally a 19th century ghost. Either they were the creeps who spam every account hoping for a reply, or they were playing along with the joke (with varying levels of skill). Who wouldn't want to learn more about a person who spends their time creating well-researched fake dating profiles?

Re: reporting, I don't know. It's clearly not Emily, so it's pretty clearly a TOS violation. But it wasn't a bot or trying to impersonate a real (living) person, so I don't see a huge problem. I agree that there's a lot of other shitty behavior on the site that should be TOS violations.
posted by stobor at 8:17 AM on November 16, 2017 [11 favorites]

With Blue - uncertain - stumbling Buzz -
Between the light - and me -
And then the Windows failed - and then
I could not see to see -

Must be using Vista.
posted by adept256 at 8:21 AM on November 16, 2017 [14 favorites]

So why was Emily Dickinson succeeding at online dating to a much higher degree than I ever had?

Because masks allow people a freedom they wouldn't ordinarily explore?

People kept reporting me for falsely representing myself, as if I were actually trying to pull a fast one on the entire male population.

Well, was she not falsely representing herself? Should one's motivation even come into it?

This is clearly a joke. I am not actually Emily Dickinson. [...] I was lost in the wormhole of online dating, and if I didn’t end the experiment, I would never leave the house again.

So it was all a 'joke' and 'experiment', using online daters as unwitting props. Granted, online dating is extraordinarily shitty. It's shitty because people put themselves out there with a fair degree of vulnerability, and other people take advantage of that instead of acting decently.

This 'joke' and 'experiment' isn't helping. Trolling people for LOLs in that already-lousy environment to show how lousy it is -- I've been at this too long to find that very funny, I guess.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:25 AM on November 16, 2017 [37 favorites]

> I've been at this too long to find that very funny, I guess

Yeah, the whole "lets make a fake dating profile to confirm my suspicions [x group of people] are really like that!" is kinda tired by now. Like, this is just a longform version of those memes where a dog is on tindr.
posted by goner at 8:44 AM on November 16, 2017 [6 favorites]

OKC recruits its users into a sort of gamified "pick out the fake pictures" process so it's entirely unremarkable that this would get hell of reported
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:46 AM on November 16, 2017 [5 favorites]

They didn’t know my age, my weight, my gender, nothing. ... Yet still they wanted to meet me; they wanted to know me. ... even though they had never seen a photo of the real me.

Well the usual complaint is that people don't actually want to meet in person, that people don't want to get to know you, that people are hung up on age/weight/photos. So this experiment led to the kind of interest - in her mind, her personality, her sense of humor, her imagination - that people say doesn't exist in online dating but she writes that off too?

Bleh. Needs a SLMP (single link Medium post) tag.
posted by headnsouth at 8:49 AM on November 16, 2017 [13 favorites]

They didn’t know my age, my weight, my gender, nothing. ... Yet still they wanted to meet me; they wanted to know me. ... even though they had never seen a photo of the real me.

Again, you're not familiar with online dating, are you?

Also, amen Capt. Renault!
posted by Melismata at 8:51 AM on November 16, 2017

They didn’t know my age, my weight, my gender, nothing. ... Yet still they wanted to meet me; they wanted to know me. ... even though they had never seen a photo of the real me.

Isn't this the exact opposite complaint many have about on-line dating?
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:04 AM on November 16, 2017 [6 favorites]

Trollers gonna troll. If you fight the monster of on-line dating long enough you become the monster, or something.

It's an amusing enough article but I half expect to see "I pretended to be a young woman pretending to be Emily Dickinson on Medium, see these crazy comments I got" in the local newspaper's lifestyle section next week.
posted by AndrewStephens at 9:10 AM on November 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

Apparently, on OkCupid, you’re allowed to be a harassing perv, but under no circumstances can you pretend you’re a dead poet.

An online dating site has an interest in preventing both harassment and fake profiles, because people should actually find dates there without being harassed. Both are likely hard to reliably detect. But a parody account is a pretty obvious instance of “fake profile”, so...
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by fencerjimmy at 9:17 AM on November 16, 2017 [3 favorites]

A lovelorn poet, obsessed with death and privacy...

This literally describes someone I dated off of OKC 10 years ago.
posted by nathan_teske at 9:46 AM on November 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm out of the poet-dating game.

You might still appreciate the song 'the poet game' by Greg Brown.
posted by el io at 10:27 AM on November 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

Online dating is a make-believe world. When we create a profile, we’re projecting a certain type of image. People are drawn in by that image, and then they create their own fantasy on top of that. An online dating site is really nothing more than layers upon layers of ego and insecurity. Essentially, nothing is real.

Whatever you have to tell yourself, buddy. "It's fine to waste people's time because everything is an illusion anyway." And she is surprised her obviously and unambiguously fake profile was quickly flagged and removed on a site that is very upfront about not allowing fake profiles?

One of the things I love about MeFi compared to Reddit is the quality of comments is much higher. There's no long threads of puns, vapid Rick and Morty references, and unfunny jokey-jokes. I love all those things and can tolerate them on Reddit, but I'd lament their appearance on the blue.

I don't have the patience for anyone's "It was just a joke, and you let other people do much worse" excuses when a website moderates its users' content.

I mean, to her credit at least she didn't complain about her free speech being violated.
posted by AlSweigart at 10:33 AM on November 16, 2017 [6 favorites]

Whatever you have to tell yourself, buddy. "It's fine to waste people's time because everything is an illusion anyway."

I have zero patience for anyone on a dating site who isn't there in good faith.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:51 AM on November 16, 2017 [5 favorites]

She's not Emily, that's true. Emily would write a better article. People would still talk about it centuries later. Like we are now.

It's a lie. It's not acting, that's when people know they're being acted at. It's not too controversial to say it's wrong to lie.

But I did get a chuckle from remembering when she writes 'Windows fails', that's exactly what my old vista laptop would do. Blue screen, memory dump, windows fails, black screen. Sorry for the jokey-joke.

I'd be happy to talk about the rest of the poem for another century.
posted by adept256 at 11:42 AM on November 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

I was banned from Tinder for pretending to be a murderous giantess
posted by amelioration at 11:56 AM on November 16, 2017

Because I could not swipe for Death,
He kindly swiped for me;
The marriage held but just ourselves
And OkCupidity.
posted by chavenet at 12:37 PM on November 16, 2017 [20 favorites]

https://www.google.com/search?q=i+pretended+to+be+on+tinder

https://www.google.com/search?q=i+pretended+to+be+on+okcupid

I was looking for the meta-article about these articles, but all I could find were more examples of these articles.
posted by frogmanjack at 12:39 PM on November 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

Meanwhile https://www.google.com/search?q=i+pretended+to+be+on+linkedin mostly gets results posted *on* Linkedin.
posted by RobotHero at 12:54 PM on November 16, 2017

In the guise of Emily Dickinson, I was hip. I was smart. I was funny. I could quote poetry on demand. But my real OkCupid profile projected that image as well. So why was Emily Dickinson succeeding at online dating to a much higher degree than I ever had?

It is absolutely not strange to me that even a moderately well done fake Dickinson profile would get a lot of attention from people who discern and appreciate the joke [1]—it's witty, it's clever, it gives you a chance to show off your knowledge about Dickinson, whatever. Some number of people are going to take a flyer, even if the photos are of someone "unassuming and well-covered". Who knows, you might find the real person attractive too, and some people really are attracted to intellectual as well as physical virtues, so even if you don't, the correspondence (and the meeting, should one take place) might well be enjoyable.

As for why her real profile didn't attract the same attention, well, it's freeing to write someone whose profile is obviously a joke, because the stakes are lower; also, I mean … perhaps this is an unjust supposition, but maybe it actually isn't as engaging as the Dickinson one.

The idea that it's because Dickinson is dead is … not one that seems terribly compelling to me.

[1] there's a person near me whose profile pretends to be that of a time-translated Victorian; the pictures are very prim and there are comments about her getting used to modern life and whatnot. Reader, of course I wrote her, even though there's not a lot about her actual real life there. (Alas, she didn't write back.)
posted by kenko at 1:09 PM on November 16, 2017 [10 favorites]

I, for one, found it amusing.

But then I recently reduced my OkCupid profile to a one-liner (okay, a two-liner) and have seen a decided uptick in "Someone likes you!" emails.
posted by clawsoon at 1:31 PM on November 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

a decided uptick in "Someone likes you!" emails.

I noticed this happening right after they took away the ability for users to see their visitors.
posted by rhizome at 3:21 PM on November 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

I noticed this happening right after they took away the ability for users to see their visitors.

Yup. They've also changed the mobile interface, and there's a lot of accidental liking going on now as well. Click to see the next photo or scroll down on their profile, and that *somehow* gets read as a like. The interface has changed overall to force/encourage more likes and interaction -- removing the ability to see visitors, extending anonymous viewing to everyone, removing the 'new' search criterion, each section of the profile now guiding you to message or like someone, etc., etc.

I saw an uptick in likes as well, but not really 'genuine' ones, if that makes sense.
posted by Capt. Renault at 3:50 PM on November 16, 2017

And here I thought I was being irresistibly witty.
posted by clawsoon at 3:58 PM on November 16, 2017 [1 favorite]

Responding to an Emily Dickinson profile is like hooking up on Hallowe'en. Everybody knows there's playfulness and pretending going on, so what's the harm?
posted by clawsoon at 4:04 PM on November 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

They didn’t know my age, my weight, my gender, nothing. ... Yet still they wanted to meet me; they wanted to know me. ... even though they had never seen a photo of the real me.

Well the usual complaint is that people don't actually want to meet in person, that people don't want to get to know you, that people are hung up on age/weight/photos. So this experiment led to the kind of interest - in her mind, her personality, her sense of humor, her imagination - that people say doesn't exist in online dating but she writes that off too?

Yeah, I didn't get this objection on her part either. "I am impersonating a 19th century poet" is a piece of information about you: it indicates that you're a bit silly, well-informed enough to pull off the guise, presumably enthusiastic about your subject, irreverent enough to put it out there in flagrant violation of the rules... I've seen "serious" profiles which told me less about the people behind them. That there are people into the persona she was projecting of a Dickinson impersonator isn't that surprising. (And, yes, I have no idea how silly, enthusiastic about Dickinson, irreverent, etc. she might be, but that sort of uncertainty applies to every public presentation of people's personas. Most people wear a mask to some degree. She just happens to be wearing a mask that is itself wearing a different mask and publicizing that roleplay.)
posted by jackbishop at 6:14 AM on November 17, 2017 [4 favorites]

What are the chances she was more confident playing the game than messaging as herself, and people responded positively to that confidence? Am I overly optimistic?
posted by Easy problem of consciousness at 6:41 AM on November 17, 2017

this experiment led to the kind of interest - in her mind, her personality, her sense of humor, her imagination - that people say doesn't exist in online dating but she writes that off too?

Except that it says when she revealed it was her to someone acquainted with her real OKCupid profile, instead of being enchanted, he told her it was messed up.
posted by corb at 6:46 AM on November 17, 2017

What a weird article. She never seems to consider the obvious reason she was getting more contacts (putting up a profile as Emily Dickinson is odd, unique, interesting, and amusing) as a possibility.
posted by kyrademon at 6:57 AM on November 17, 2017 [1 favorite]

this experiment led to the kind of interest - in her mind, her personality, her sense of humor, her imagination - that people say doesn't exist in online dating but she writes that off too?

Except that it says when she revealed it was her to someone acquainted with her real OKCupid profile, instead of being enchanted, he told her it was messed up.

Maybe it's just me but I don't hear criticism when I hear KidsTheseDays(TM) say "that's messed up" - I hear them thinking it's hilarious but knowing not everyone will agree.

"Dude that's messed up" tends to follow "hold my beer."
posted by headnsouth at 12:05 PM on November 17, 2017 [2 favorites]

Online dating has a lot of these "applied sociology" people. Some are just dating-curious, some are scared of the internet, some are fascinated by the whole thing, and all of these people are unlikely to meet anybody IRL. Sure, they can blog and tweet about it and how truly interesting the whole thing is, but it's exploitation and nothing to be proud of. "Check me out, being fake and wasting peoples' attention!" Wasn't there an "exposé" of Craigslist Casual Encounters or something a bunch of years ago? This isn't that bad, but it's related.
posted by rhizome at 12:31 PM on November 17, 2017 [2 favorites]

Is this the part where I remind everyone that most Dickinson poems can be sung to the tune of "Yellow Rose of Texas"?
posted by Megafly at 4:27 PM on November 17, 2017 [1 favorite]

Or Hernando's Hideaway, if you prefer a tango beat.
posted by Flannery Culp at 4:28 PM on November 17, 2017 [2 favorites]

I haven't even been on OKCupid since I met the woman I married. That got me to wonder whether I actually officially de-activated my profile. And if it's the case that my profile is somewhere still out there, is there a guy out there impersonating being me? And if so, is he having a better time attracting women than I am? My sense of irony says Yes.
posted by jonp72 at 10:27 AM on November 18, 2017