Cry Ho Ho Ho, and Let Slip the Hornéd Deer of War
December 8, 2017 10:58 AM   Subscribe

Twitter's #WarOnChristmas is different this year: Sam Sykes has created an avalanche of atrocities. Peppermint-tinged, sleighbell-ringing atrocities.
SamSykesSwears: I have but one request this Christmas, guys. Take the #WarOnChristmas hashtag and fill it with accounts of the horrors of battling elves across snowy fields and firing anti-aircraft missiles at sleds streaking overhead.

CanadianChick: The Ninjabread Men were the worst. You didn't know they were surrounding you. just before they attacked you'd get a whiff of molasses & spice. For a split-second you were a kid again, and then all hell broke loose #WarOnChristmas

Peter Cullen Bryan: I remember my first tour. The boy next to me, tinsel spilling out of his belly. Those dreadful bells that meant the next wave was incoming. The sound of carols mingling with dying screams. We fought then so that future generations wouldn't have to, but we failed. #WarOnChristmas

Matt C: My dearest Helga,
I write this to you as the sound of peppermint bombs explode in the distance. It's cold here in the north pole, but the good folks at Starbucks have been warming us with full cups of joe.
Tomorrow we press toward jingle bell Bay.
#WarOnChristmas
posted by ErisLordFreedom (65 comments total) 52 users marked this as a favorite
 
/yells in to radio
RED CUPS! RED CUPS!

/jets fly overhead
***VADDDOOOOM!!!!***
posted by Artw at 11:09 AM on December 8, 2017 [3 favorites]


Awesome.
posted by Keith Talent at 11:17 AM on December 8, 2017


The letters are killing me.
posted by gladly at 11:20 AM on December 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


well there goes the rest of my day
posted by randomkeystrike at 11:23 AM on December 8, 2017


This was the subject of the cards I sent out three years ago. Stories of soldiers cutting away the secrets of elves. Reindeer getting tangled in their own guts. Cookies for santa made with the ground bones of mall santas.

The response was overwhelming: "MunchingZombie, please don't do that again."
posted by munchingzombie at 11:26 AM on December 8, 2017 [35 favorites]


ORNAMENT!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:33 AM on December 8, 2017 [7 favorites]


Out of the haze a figure slowly emerged, step by step across No Man’s Land. A woman bathed in golden light, singing a song that struck terror in our hearts: “All I want for Christmas is you...” And we knew then in our bellies that Death had come for us all.
posted by not_the_water at 11:38 AM on December 8, 2017 [17 favorites]


I saw this on Twitter, and retweeted it with the comment, "There needs to be a War on Christmas video game."
posted by orange swan at 11:39 AM on December 8, 2017 [3 favorites]


> "There needs to be a War on Christmas video game."

Well, there's this...
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:42 AM on December 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


Sharing the one that got me:

Sgt. Gingertoes hurled himself in the icy trench, where his squad waited.
“What’s the sitch, Sarge?” asked Pvt. Chestnut.
The sergeant looked grim.
“Not gonna lie, boys. It ain’t merry....”
posted by TreeRooster at 11:50 AM on December 8, 2017 [16 favorites]


If in some saccharine dreams you too could pace 
Behind the bobsled that we flung him in, 
And watch the twinkling eyes writhing in his face, 
His rosy-cheeked face, like a coal-stockinged naughtylister; 

If you could smell, at every jolt, the nutmeg 
Come belching from his bowl-full-of-jelly,
Obscene as eggnog, bitter as the cud 
Of vile, inedible fruitcake on innocent tongues,

My friend, you would not tell with such cheer,
To children ardent for some Star Wars lego,
The old Lie: peace on earth, goodwill to men.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 11:59 AM on December 8, 2017 [34 favorites]


This is a lot more humorous than the American Atheists billboards -- "Just skip church - it's all fake news! Happy Holidays from American Atheists!"
Nick Fish, a spokesman for American Atheists, claimed the signs aren’t meant to offend, but to spark a dialogue by adding a topical tag line.

“It’s a way of starting a conversation not just with this organization but within a community,” Fish told NBC News on Wednesday. “The choice is often between being provocative or not being heard at all. If we can start that initial conversation, then we’re doing our jobs to get the ball rolling and get our foot in the door.”
I would have preferred humor than being provocative. So I offer this:

"Once more into the fray—into the last good fight I'll ever know." Their general, Kris Kringle, is a tough old bastard, not one to shy from causalities on his side to damage our will to fight on. "He treats his soldiers as toys! Mere toys set up and knocked down his amusement!"
posted by filthy light thief at 12:05 PM on December 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that the War on Christmas is a million times worse than all of them put together.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:10 PM on December 8, 2017 [3 favorites]


Near my parents' house in Chester County, PA, someone puts up a gigantic sign every year that says "WE SAY 'MERRY CHRISTMAS' HERE!"
FFS. I hate that sign. You know, sign, you could just say...."MERRY CHRISTMAS" instead of being a total dick about it.
posted by capnsue at 12:12 PM on December 8, 2017 [3 favorites]


This year, my wife's response to snidely aggressive greetings of "Merry CHRISTmas!" by certain family members will be, "All holidays matter."
posted by notsnot at 12:24 PM on December 8, 2017 [56 favorites]


Near my parents' house in Chester County, PA, someone puts up a gigantic sign every year that says "WE SAY 'MERRY CHRISTMAS' HERE!"

You just need appropriate decorations celebrating other winter holidays, like the ones in the Saturnalia comic.

Like this. (NSFW. Very NSFW.)
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 12:31 PM on December 8, 2017 [4 favorites]


Don’t sleep on the classics. Whoville changed everything!

I’m kinda bummed that this has been goong on for twelve years now...
posted by doubtfulpalace at 12:33 PM on December 8, 2017


I served my tour. It was long and strange; we were attached to the Misfit Toys Brigade, the outcasts from the Workshop, hellbent on revenge. It was dirty stuff - making raids behind the lines, leaving booby traps and so forth. We couldn't take prisoners and we couldn't leave any behind.

None of them were right, in body or mind, when we started - and none of us got any better. We left the idea of naughty behind pretty quick and over time, I found myself thinking that the work was pretty nice. At least, until the night we made the sugarplum fairies dance...
posted by nubs at 12:37 PM on December 8, 2017 [6 favorites]


The tinsel piled up so fast at the North Pole, you needed reindeer to stay above it.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:42 PM on December 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


I could never slug it out myself, but I'm still a fan of the 20th century War on Christmas classics. Weird Al was Warring on Christmas before it was cool.
posted by roystgnr at 12:46 PM on December 8, 2017


And of course I can't forget the most brutal Santa. He'll shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!
posted by roystgnr at 12:49 PM on December 8, 2017 [4 favorites]


We held the Mistletoe Line for weeks. The reindeer bombs were the worst. If you got lucky the sentries would see the glow from their noses before they hit, but far too often there was no warning, just that tinkle of harness and then half a dozen gone in a flash of glitter and the thumping detonation of the incoming Rudolf.

I remember the day before the final attack. Sergeant Dawkins looked each of us in the eye before we went over, then stubbed out his cigar and gave that speech. I don't think any of us who survived will ever forget it.

"Those pointy-eared motherfuckers up on that ridge are gunning for you boys. They've got large-calibre candy cane ammo and they're dug in hard. But we're gonna take them on, and we're gonna win. We're gonna finish this, here and now, forever. Let's go!"

He stepped on a fuckin' cracker barely ten yards from our trench line. And Santa's Workshop was a tougher nut to crack than any of us thought it could be. But we did it. We finished the fight. We're finally free.

#WarOnChristmas
posted by Happy Dave at 12:53 PM on December 8, 2017 [14 favorites]


someone puts up a gigantic sign every year that says "WE SAY 'MERRY CHRISTMAS' HERE!"
FFS. I hate that sign. You know, sign, you could just say...."MERRY CHRISTMAS" instead of being a total dick about it.


To that kind of person, being a dick is the whole point. If they woke up tomorrow unable to be a dick about evangelizing, they'd have to scramble around quickly and find something else to be a dick about.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:37 PM on December 8, 2017 [14 favorites]


Rudolph was lagging in the fog. He was out of practice; that's what you get for not joining in the reindeer games. So he caught most of the flak when the candycannons let loose. He couldn't keep altitude, it sent him into a steep bank, plummeting to the nutmeggy depths below.

I don't know what dragged itself out of the eggbog that night, but it wasn't any reindeer I knew. Rudolph came back to us, but he came back different. He shined.

#WarOnChristmas
posted by leotrotsky at 1:38 PM on December 8, 2017 [14 favorites]


*White Christmas plays in background*

My Dearest Vera,

I've been taken off the line for a few hours, and am back at the CP for some hot chow and a change of socks. Things are pretty quiet right now, so I thought I'd take a few minutes to drop you a line before I go back to my foxhole. The fighting has been pretty intense the lately, and most nights we've had heavy sugarplum activity over our positions. Occasionally they send over a plum pudding, but it makes such a clatter that it sounds like the big man himself, and everyone knows to get face down in the dirt the moment we hear it. By now, we're pretty well-dug in, and we've reinforced everything with a thick layer of marzipan. I took a few candy-cane fragments in the arm the day before yesterday, but you should tell Ma and Pa not to worry- they put a dressing on it at the aid station, and doc says I can still fight. Looks like I'll be adding another holly leaf device to my Purple Heart.

By now, everyone back at home must be getting ready for the 4th of July. I can almost see them, getting out the flags, and hanging up the bunting on the bandstand. I bet the Moose Lodge band is practicing right how, and everybody setting up for the big parade. I can practically hear Billy and his pals playing baseball in the park, and smell the burgers and red hots grilling. I bet old man Davis has another exciting fireworks display planned. Every year he tries to outdo the last one, and it comes out like the Great Chicago Fire and the Battle of New Orleans combined. I miss sitting on the porch with a cold beer, watching the kids with their sparklers running across the lawn. Heck, I miss just mowing the lawn.

Here it is still Christmas. It is always Christmas. We shiver in our dugouts while the Northern Lights glow overhead, and the smells of Douglas fir and hot punch drift across the battlefield. We've mostly had stuffing and gravy to eat for the past few days, and occasionally a little cranberry sauce, so most of the guys are getting pretty sick of anything that looks or even smells like turkey. Everyone keeps talking about the first thing they're going to eat when this is all over. I can never decide if it's going to be an egg salad sandwich, or gazpacho soup. If you can, please send more of that home made sauerkraut. Everybody here thought it was just swell.

Looks like I have to sign off now- I've just got word that they've spotted paper hats on the line, which means those dirty elves are probably trying to make another push on our position. Give my love to Ma and Pa for me, and your folks as well, and tell Billy that his big brother is going to be home by Labor Day.

I love you so much, and I can't wait to see you again, and hold you in my arms. Just thinking about it keeps me going, and keeps me hoping that someday, and somehow, Christmastime will soon be over.

Yours Truly,

Frank



Narrator: "Sgt. Francis Kelly was killed three days later, while assaulting an enemy panettone emplacement on Gingerbread Hill. For his actions, he was posthumously awarded the Silver Star."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:58 PM on December 8, 2017 [33 favorites]


Narrator:

If they don't get Ken Burns to do the documentary on the War on Christmas, this world is truly lost.
posted by nubs at 2:09 PM on December 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


If they don't get Ken Burns to do the documentary on the War on Christmas, this world is truly lost.
posted by nubs


With historical recreations done by puppies in elf hats and kittens wearing antler headbands. Santa is played by a penguin.
posted by Keith Talent at 2:16 PM on December 8, 2017 [3 favorites]


"Maybe there are 5,000, maybe 10,000 Elf bastards in their gingerbread foxholes before the 3rd Reindeer Army. Now if Santa stops holding Frosty’s hand and gives me some supplies, I'll go through the Krampus Line like %*$# through a goose." -Gen. Grinch S. Patton
posted by Grimp0teuthis at 2:25 PM on December 8, 2017


Jingling and jingling in the deafening bell;
The reindeer cannot hear the sleighman;
Cookies crumble, the stand creaks 'neath the tree;
Mere Humbug is bah'ed upon the world.
The nog-drunk horde is loosed;
The festival of nativity of flooded;
The Whos lack cheersome levity, while,
The Grinch's sleigh is full of Whos' roast beast.

Surely some Christmas magic is at hand;
Surely some yuletide miracle is at hand;
A Christmas Miracle! Hardly are those words out,
When a cozy image out of Norman Rockwell,
Mocks my plight; Somewhere in the snows of the arctic,
A shape with jolly body and the beard of a magi,
Is shaking its round little belly, while all about it,
Toil the shadows of tireless Northern elves;
The darkness endures six months, but now I know,
That a dozen moons of stony sleep,
Were vexed to nightmare by a hammering workshop;
And what rough gift, it's hour come 'round at last;
Now tumbles down the chimney to be unwrapped?
posted by Navelgazer at 2:39 PM on December 8, 2017 [28 favorites]


“I’ll be there with bells on,” I heard the elf say, before I clubbed him with his own candy cane and left him jingling in the snow.

“Oh no you won’t,” I muttered. “Kringle’s not getting this list,” and I pried the parchment from his sugar-dusted fingers.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 2:42 PM on December 8, 2017 [10 favorites]


I think the moonless nights were the worst -- no one slept because the adrenaline wouldn't let us. Everyone knew Charlie-in-the-box was close, waiting to spring another surprise attack.
posted by Clave at 3:31 PM on December 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


FIRE IN THE CHIMNEY!
posted by Artw at 3:33 PM on December 8, 2017 [6 favorites]


From my autumn sleep I fell into the Season,
And I hunched on its throne until my white whiskers froze.
Six miles from the mall, loosed from its dream of retail,
I woke to Zwarte Piet and the nightmare elves.
After I died, they washed my flesh down with egg nog.
posted by firechicago at 3:42 PM on December 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


It was evident from the beginning that if we won the war these promises would be dead paper, and had I been an honest adviser of the Elves I would have advised them to go home and not risk their lives fighting for such stuff: but I salved myself with the hope that, by leading these Elves madly in the final victory I would establish them, with arms in their hands, in a position so assured (if not dominant) that expediency would counsel Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Wise Men a fair settlement of their claims.

The dismissal of the Little Drummer Boy confirmed my belief in our essential insincerity.

...

The Gingerbread Men were young and sturdy; and hot dough and icing unconsciously claimed a right in them and tormented their bellies with strange longings. Our privations and dangers fanned this virile heat, in a climate as cold as can be conceived. We had no shut igloos to be alone in...
posted by clawsoon at 4:21 PM on December 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


"Some men are born jolly, some men achieve jolliness, and some men have jolliness thrust upon them. With Santa Santa Santa Santa it had been all three."
posted by The Nutmeg of Consolation at 4:37 PM on December 8, 2017 [6 favorites]


🎶 Hand bells play “Ashokan Farewell” 🎶
posted by leotrotsky at 4:40 PM on December 8, 2017 [3 favorites]


I had heard about the War on the news, but the fighting was in a distant land, something I gave little thought to.

Then I discovered the sugarplums missing from my icebox.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 4:42 PM on December 8, 2017 [7 favorites]


From the parade of glowing candles I can see that the Maccabee Brigade is heading home; this is not their fight.
posted by leotrotsky at 4:47 PM on December 8, 2017 [4 favorites]


Surrounded on all sides. My damn gun only shoots jelly. I'm done for.
posted by parki at 5:11 PM on December 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


They had frankincense and myrrh; we had eggnog and cinnamon. Neither side had any sense or morals. I'm surprised there are any of us left.

We thought Black Friday was the end, that nothing so horrible could be repeated. We thought twelve days was enough, that the partridge in a pear tree would finish them off. We thought we had achieved a silent night. A holy night. All calm, all bright. But they had to do the whole bloody mess again on the Eastern Front, didn't they?
posted by clawsoon at 5:12 PM on December 8, 2017 [7 favorites]


This year, we're celebrating Christmas just like Herod did - by killing all the two-year-olds. We like to keep things traditional.
posted by clawsoon at 5:34 PM on December 8, 2017 [4 favorites]


Boxing Day brings a fresh wave of horror, as the elves don their gloves and emerge to fight. Trenchfoot and Mistletoe are rampant, due to poor living conditions.
posted by nubs at 6:05 PM on December 8, 2017 [7 favorites]


We were crossing the frozen ice plain when we first heard the sleigh bells. Then we saw a bright string of what we thought must be lights. They’d started dropping Yule.

You could smell the logs before you felt the heat. Festive. At the beginning, we thought the crackling was just the fires. The chestnuts. But then the heavy presents brigade started dropping into the frigid waters below. The ice was giving way under the heat.

Santa had outmaneuvered us, the night was lost, our sleds would be useless on the new sea before us. That’s when he stepped out of the shadows, one of the combat engineers. “I have a ...knack for these sorts of obstacles,” he said. “We don’t have time to build a bridge, you fool!” replied the commander, “the elves attack at dawn!” The engineer smiled, “I had something else in mind, after all ...it is my birthday.”
posted by leotrotsky at 6:16 PM on December 8, 2017 [10 favorites]


Bent double, like old Kringles under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like Grinches, we cursed through the snow,
Till on the haunting carols we turned out backs,
And towards our distant rest began to go.
We marched asleep. Many had lost their gay apparel,
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the carols
Of sale ads playing softly behind.

Sale! SALE! Quick, boys! - An ecstasy of savings
Clipping the better coupons just in time,
But someone still was yelling about taking
A pass and doing all his shopping online.-
Dim through the Walmart lanes and thick blue light,
As under a blue sea, I saw him leaving.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight,
He emails at me - gift cards, baskets, marketing.

As if in e-shopping dreams, you too could save
All that we can do when we Door Bust in,
And know that our gifts were efficiently gave,
Top shelf gifts, priced as if from bargin bin;
If you could see, at every store, the shelves
Emptied out clean by our sleep-deprived hordes,
Thorough as Ex-lax, diligent as elves
Who slave away tirelessly as Santa's wards.
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some savings glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro Amazon mori
.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:53 PM on December 8, 2017 [19 favorites]


Dash boy, dance boy,
Donder and blitz them boy,
In the trenches boy,
She was Old St. Nick's boy,
She was the night before boy,
And fears boy,
And all snug in their beds, boy you had:

Gas! Gas boys!
And sleighs boy,
The drop's chemical boy,
It's blown so close to you,
Boy and you just choke boy,
She said "Dash over! Dash over!"

Whistled thrice at you, boy.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 7:36 PM on December 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


robocop is bleeding, that is stellar!
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 7:39 PM on December 8, 2017


I really do appreciate the humor, and for sure I hate the christers. And somebody with a sign that says “We say Merry Christmas here” isn’t getting my dog’s poop cleaned up out of their yard.
But doesn’t this really make too much light out of the trenches of WWI? Like, haven’t y’all read The Great War and Modern Memory? Don’t you know how awful it must have been? I feel like I’m just reading jokes and poetry using that as a template.
posted by Snowishberlin at 7:51 PM on December 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


[John Rambo, older, with a paunch, reading a letter demanding that he take down his oversized Machine-Gun Jesus Nativity Scene]: The HOA drew first blood, not me.
posted by clawsoon at 7:52 PM on December 8, 2017


Snowishberlin: But doesn’t this really make too much light out of the trenches of WWI?

I suspect that some WWI soldiers would have appreciated how stupid it was to call the "War on Christmas" a "war" in the first place, given their experience in the trenches.
posted by clawsoon at 7:55 PM on December 8, 2017 [7 favorites]


Snowishberlin, I take your point about taking the War Poets merely as convenient templates or reference points. I reined mine in a bit (pun unintended) after squicking myself out whilst simply word-crunching to see what fitted (and honestly also because I was trying to wedge 5 different works together). I do get where you're coming from if your "good taste" line is different to mine, because I had that "hmm, maybe not!" reaction myself. That said I still think robocop is bleeding's does no wrong - maybe because it feels very much removed from the original to me even as it follows the rhythms so closely.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 8:03 PM on December 8, 2017


This was the subject of the cards I sent out three years ago. Stories of soldiers cutting away the secrets of elves. Reindeer getting tangled in their own guts. Cookies for santa made with the ground bones of mall santas.

The response was overwhelming: "MunchingZombie, please don't do that again."


This story would have only been improved if your name was actually Munching Zombie.
posted by daybeforetheday at 8:48 PM on December 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the bridge and Second Workshop. Hewy and Imbuey and Zooey fell there bravely while the rest retreated to the Marzipantry. We still hold the chamber but hope is fading now. Screwy’s party went five days ago but today only four returned. The pool of booze is up to the wall at Grotto-gate. The Crazy Frog in the Egg-nog took Screwy -- we cannot get out. The end comes soon. We hear drums, drums in the deep.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 8:53 PM on December 8, 2017 [7 favorites]


>> "There needs to be a War on Christmas video game."

>Well, there's this... yt

The charge of the Christmas-lights brigade?
posted by mcrandello at 9:27 PM on December 8, 2017 [2 favorites]


Santa Claus came down like a wolf on the fold
His tinsel all gleaming in purple and gold
And the sheen of his candy canes was like stars on the tree
So Jesus quit Bethlehem and fled Galilee

#ByronOnChristmas
posted by clawsoon at 6:25 AM on December 9, 2017 [4 favorites]


Christmas. Christmas never changes.
posted by Artw at 7:16 AM on December 9, 2017 [5 favorites]


Life During Christmas Wartime

Heard of a sleigh, loaded with presents
Packed up and ready to go
Heard of some reindeer
Able to take flight
And one has a red nose
The sound of sleigh bells, off in the distance
I'm getting used to it now
Frosty the Snowman! Papa Geppetto!
Santa is coming to town.

This ain't no party! This ain't no Ho Ho!
This ain't no cozy snowbound!
No time for prancing! Or holly jolly!
I ain't got time for that now!

Wrote some new lyrics, to Christmas Carols
Put my name on his bad list
Some call him Santa! Some say Kris Kringle!
We don't even know his real name
Up at the North Pole, the elves are loading
The sleigh is ready to roll
I blocked the chimney! I poisoned cookies!
He will not get in my home

This ain't no party! This ain't no Ho Ho!
This ain't no cozy snowbound!
No Happy New Year! Or Season's Greetings!
I ain't got time for that now!

Heard about Advent? Heard about Twelfth Night?
Heard about Yuletide displays?
You oughta know not to stand near mistletoe
Somebody kiss you up there
I've got some egg nog, some ancient fruit cake
To last a couple of days
But I ain't got no turkey!
Ain't got no trimmings!
Ain't got no mint green parfait!

Shoppers at Macy's. Got through the gridlock
We blended in with the crowd
Expose fake Santas! Destroy the shelf elfs!
I know that ain't allowed.
We dress like snowmen! Wear ugly sweaters!
Or in a suit and red tie.
I've stuffed the stockings, so many times now
I don't know if it's festive-like

You make me shiver; hey there bartender!
I'm drinking too much Jim Beam
Don't get exhausted, I'll do some wrapping,
You ought to get you some sleep
Get you instructions, follow directions,
Put toys together at night
Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day,
Whatever you think is best
Burned all my songbooks, what good are songbooks?
They won't help me survive
My head is aching, hurts like a mofo,
Fake cheer keeps me alive
Try to stay healthy, not too much wassail,
Don't want no candy cane woes
Try to be careful, don't take no chances,
You better watch what you say
posted by carmicha at 7:34 AM on December 9, 2017 [7 favorites]


> Near my parents' house in Chester County, PA, someone puts up a gigantic sign every year that says "WE SAY 'MERRY CHRISTMAS' HERE!"
FFS. I hate that sign. You know, sign, you could just say...."MERRY CHRISTMAS" instead of being a total dick about it.
"Oh, they say we got the christ back in christmas finally. But this is CHRIST we're talking about. Can't we fit another christ in there?"
posted by farlukar at 8:20 AM on December 9, 2017


Our beloved Queen had kept the peace for a hundred years. A hundred years when joy and fellowship were celebrated year-round, and not concentrated on a single day; a hundred years where love for one's friends and family was shown by actions, not trinkets; a hundred years without a single Black Friday stampede.

That was about to change. Four fearsome creatures, two "Sons of Adam" and two "Daughters of Eve," had entered the land, bringing their avaricious consumerism with them. Worse yet, it was rumored they were merely a distraction — a feint — while the tyrant, garbed in a self-made, grotesque parody of "royal" robes and demanding to be addressed as "Father," invaded from the north.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:49 PM on December 9, 2017 [5 favorites]


A War on Christmas and no one has posted this(SLYT)?
posted by Ignorantsavage at 8:18 PM on December 9, 2017


This is my candy cane. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
posted by ian1977 at 12:55 AM on December 10, 2017 [6 favorites]


A War on Christmas and no one has posted this(SLYT)?

I had no idea that existed. Probably gonna stick with the original comic by Alan Grant and The Biz though.
posted by Artw at 8:13 AM on December 10, 2017




LUCAS: Your mission is to proceed up the Frozen River in a mail tractor. Pick up Colonel Kringle's path at Helsinki, follow it, and learn what you can along the way. When you find the Colonel, infiltrate his choir by whatever means available and terminate the Colonel's directorship.
WILLARD: Terminate the Colonel?
CORMAN: Kringle's out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable Yuletide conduct. And he is still in the field conducting carolers.

-Apocalypse Yule #WarOnChristmasMovies
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 11:06 AM on December 15, 2017


This is The Yule
Cold, dark, & cruel
The Yule

This is The Yule
My only friend
The Yule

Of our holiday plans
The Yule
Of every year that ends
The Yule
No safety or surprise
The Yule
I'll never look into your eyes
Again

Can you picture what will be
So merry and jolly
Desperately in need of some
Pfeffernusse
In a desperate land

Lost in a pagan wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All of the children are insane
Waiting for the tinsel rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of Sombertown

Ride the Northern Highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the peppermint mine
Ride the highway north, baby
Ride the reindeer, ride the reindeer
To the lake, the frozen lake, baby
The reindeer's nose is red, bright red

Ride the reindeer, he's old & his fur is warm
The West is the best
Get here we'll do the rest
The red sleigh shows us the way
The red sleigh shows us the way
Driver, where you taking us?

The caroler awoke before dawn, he put his bells on
He took a song from the ancient book
And he walked on down the mall
He went to store where his sister worked, and then he
Paid a visit to his brother and then he
He walked on down the mall

And he came to a food court, and he looked inside
Santa?
Yes son
I want to kill you
Mrs Claus?
I want to fuck you
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:03 AM on December 18, 2017 [1 favorite]


Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

/fairground organ music plays
posted by Artw at 8:42 AM on December 18, 2017 [1 favorite]


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