“WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”
January 19, 2018 6:57 PM Subscribe
What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year? (2017 Edition). Sticking things in our rectums previously.
Bonus: Best Dog Tweets Of All Time
Bonus: Best Dog Tweets Of All Time
I note on the list of things that people went to the ER about, for the list of things that they said were in their throats was: "Grits".
....um....and?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:07 PM on January 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
....um....and?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:07 PM on January 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
I never understood why admitting nurses need to ask "how did this happen," and why people feel the need to make up some bizarre story.
When they ask "How did those batteries end up in your ass?" the only good answers are "I don't know" or "for purposes of sexual gratification."
posted by Marky at 7:19 PM on January 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
When they ask "How did those batteries end up in your ass?" the only good answers are "I don't know" or "for purposes of sexual gratification."
posted by Marky at 7:19 PM on January 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
Same thing as every year, Pinky. To rule the world.
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 7:22 PM on January 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 7:22 PM on January 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
“AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”
Am I being invited to the wrong or the right parties? So confused!
posted by tocts at 7:28 PM on January 19, 2018 [22 favorites]
Am I being invited to the wrong or the right parties? So confused!
posted by tocts at 7:28 PM on January 19, 2018 [22 favorites]
Amateurs.
posted by klanawa at 7:28 PM on January 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by klanawa at 7:28 PM on January 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
We really have to crowdfund some FBA (Flared Base Awareness) PSAs.
posted by umbú at 7:31 PM on January 19, 2018 [28 favorites]
posted by umbú at 7:31 PM on January 19, 2018 [28 favorites]
>the only good answers are "I don't know" or "for purposes of sexual gratification."
Not to quibble, but "I don't know" is not a good answer.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:32 PM on January 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
Not to quibble, but "I don't know" is not a good answer.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:32 PM on January 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
Related: What We Did To Mr. Happy, 2017 Edition.
posted by NoxAeternum at 7:32 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by NoxAeternum at 7:32 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Related: A Cultural History of Men Getting Their Dicks Stuck in Things
posted by yellowbinder at 7:33 PM on January 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by yellowbinder at 7:33 PM on January 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I was worried the list would include (pieces of) these.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:35 PM on January 19, 2018
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:35 PM on January 19, 2018
There is probably a related advice column where someone asks if they should break up with a person for doing this:
“WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”
I think we need to know what type of phone it was.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:37 PM on January 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
“WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”
I think we need to know what type of phone it was.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:37 PM on January 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
Hopefully not a Princess phone.
posted by roger ackroyd at 7:37 PM on January 19, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 7:37 PM on January 19, 2018 [10 favorites]
Oh god, once I got to "throat" the items began to get so horrifying to imagine that I'm now puckered so tightly nothing could possibly even begin get stuck at the moment.
posted by hippybear at 7:37 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 7:37 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
RECOVERING FROM BASKETBALL PENIS INJURY, WAS HAVING INTENSE PENETRATIVE INTERCOURSE AND NOTICED PENILE SWELLING
ER doctor to ER nurse: “What do you mean ‘the basketball guy’s back?’”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:42 PM on January 19, 2018 [33 favorites]
ER doctor to ER nurse: “What do you mean ‘the basketball guy’s back?’”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:42 PM on January 19, 2018 [33 favorites]
I find the all caps very appropriate.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:44 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:44 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
“WAS CLEANING SELF IN SHOWER WHEN FOUND A TAMPON IN VAGINA. CONCERNED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER TAMPON IN VAGINA”
It's tampons all the way down (up?).
posted by brook horse at 7:56 PM on January 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
It's tampons all the way down (up?).
posted by brook horse at 7:56 PM on January 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
When they ask "How did those batteries end up in your ass?" the only good answers are "I don't know" or
..."Because I ate them for dinner last night."
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:09 PM on January 19, 2018 [16 favorites]
..."Because I ate them for dinner last night."
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:09 PM on January 19, 2018 [16 favorites]
I've worked in a pediatric hospital for nearly 2 decades (and an adult hospital before that) and none of these surprise me. Among the more interesting things I have helped fish out of various orifices are a teenager who inhaled his grill, a toddler who inhaled a mysterious foreign body that turned out to be an acrylic nail that matched the babysitter's nails, and the kid who swallowed a toy car and ended up on TV. Also from back in the day, there are a number of ingenious techniques used to remove rectal foreign bodies, including encasing glass objects in plaster of Paris to prevent them from shattering during removal.
posted by TedW at 8:18 PM on January 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by TedW at 8:18 PM on January 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
When they ask "How did those batteries end up in your ass?" the only good answers are "I don't know" or "for purposes of sexual gratification."
“It was a lump of coal when I stuck it up there.”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:18 PM on January 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
“It was a lump of coal when I stuck it up there.”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:18 PM on January 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
“WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”
Ah, the old Cincinnati Handbag. Classic.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:48 PM on January 19, 2018 [84 favorites]
Ah, the old Cincinnati Handbag. Classic.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:48 PM on January 19, 2018 [84 favorites]
“PUT PAPERCLIP THROUGH URETHRA AND PUNCTURED THROUGH THE SHAFT OF PENIS”
Doesn’t SOUND good, amirite?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:08 PM on January 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
Doesn’t SOUND good, amirite?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:08 PM on January 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
If you come into a hospital with a rectal foreign body, know two things: 1) your PHI (protected health information) will remain scrupulously guarded, and 2) the general details of your case, sans identifying information, will spread via word of mouth to just about everybody in the hospital. Because: butts lol.
posted by dephlogisticated at 9:15 PM on January 19, 2018 [31 favorites]
posted by dephlogisticated at 9:15 PM on January 19, 2018 [31 favorites]
I find the all caps very appropriate.
If I had a peanut butter jar in my rectum, I'd probably be yelling, too.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:25 PM on January 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
If I had a peanut butter jar in my rectum, I'd probably be yelling, too.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:25 PM on January 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Yeah. My favorite has to be the guy who came into my ED with a large metal boat hook up his ass. He said the same thing everybody says: he fell on it and it somehow got jammed in there. Lies. Surgery had to take him to the OR to get it out.
Runner up: the triage nurse at the county hospital where I used to work walking back to tell us "there's a guy with a vibrator stuck up his ass and he's sitting out there and it's still buzzing..."
Less fun: the gangbangers and methheads the cops bring in because they've shoved drugs up their ass, sometimes with a court order for retrieval...
posted by killdevil at 9:31 PM on January 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
Runner up: the triage nurse at the county hospital where I used to work walking back to tell us "there's a guy with a vibrator stuck up his ass and he's sitting out there and it's still buzzing..."
Less fun: the gangbangers and methheads the cops bring in because they've shoved drugs up their ass, sometimes with a court order for retrieval...
posted by killdevil at 9:31 PM on January 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
your PHI (protected health information) will remain scrupulously guarded
Well, nobody cares about your name. But camera pics of your X-rays, sans name and identifying numbers, will probably be texted around by some of the less scrupulous.
posted by killdevil at 9:35 PM on January 19, 2018
Well, nobody cares about your name. But camera pics of your X-rays, sans name and identifying numbers, will probably be texted around by some of the less scrupulous.
posted by killdevil at 9:35 PM on January 19, 2018
Are there places other than the OR that surgery takes people?
posted by hippybear at 9:43 PM on January 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 9:43 PM on January 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Out for drinks? Surprisingly often they just take them to a hospital room. There are a fair number of things (bowel obstructions, etc) that surgeons just watch for awhile before any attempt at intervention. That said, if you have a hammer, there are a lot of things that look like nails.
posted by killdevil at 9:54 PM on January 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by killdevil at 9:54 PM on January 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
HEAVY PILE OF CDS FELL ON PENIS
Clearly not a millenial.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:59 PM on January 19, 2018 [14 favorites]
Clearly not a millenial.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:59 PM on January 19, 2018 [14 favorites]
It seems like there definitely is [more inside].
posted by snorkmaiden at 10:00 PM on January 19, 2018 [28 favorites]
posted by snorkmaiden at 10:00 PM on January 19, 2018 [28 favorites]
Are there places other than the OR that surgery takes people?
In some of the darker corners of the city, yeah. Almost always unexpectedly and with no appointment needed.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:17 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
In some of the darker corners of the city, yeah. Almost always unexpectedly and with no appointment needed.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:17 PM on January 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Too dark? Probably too dark.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:21 PM on January 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:21 PM on January 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is what is looks like when a stand-up begins to read the room.
posted by hippybear at 10:26 PM on January 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 10:26 PM on January 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
i will never understand this as long as i live. YOU CAN BUY SEX TOYS ON AMAZON AND GET NEXT DAY DELIVERY. why would you not just buy something specifically to go into butts and make those butts happy, designed by BUTT HAPPINESS SPECIALISTS who design things that make butts happy AS THEIR LIFE'S WORK.
but no lol let's take the batteries out of the remote and see what happens
W H Y
posted by poffin boffin at 11:57 PM on January 19, 2018 [60 favorites]
but no lol let's take the batteries out of the remote and see what happens
W H Y
posted by poffin boffin at 11:57 PM on January 19, 2018 [60 favorites]
as always, humans are the dumbest of species, you never see an embarrassed bear with a courgette crammed up its ass
posted by poffin boffin at 11:58 PM on January 19, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:58 PM on January 19, 2018 [15 favorites]
“WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”
Well does it work?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:10 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
Well does it work?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:10 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
“WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”
Ah, the old Cincinnati Handbag. Classic.
FLAGGED AS FANTASTIC
posted by clockzero at 12:25 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
Ah, the old Cincinnati Handbag. Classic.
FLAGGED AS FANTASTIC
posted by clockzero at 12:25 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
For some reason, I find falling on a boathook more believable than falling on, say, a bottle of conditioner
posted by thelonius at 12:57 AM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 12:57 AM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
When they ask "How did those batteries end up in your ass?" the only good answers are "I don't know" or "for purposes of sexual gratification."
This is the 21st C. Those batteries could be for the Wi-Fi functions of their SmartAss. Of course, if they don’t keep up with the regular patches, they will be back in a few weeks because they have an entire Eastern European botnet up there.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:49 AM on January 20, 2018 [24 favorites]
This is the 21st C. Those batteries could be for the Wi-Fi functions of their SmartAss. Of course, if they don’t keep up with the regular patches, they will be back in a few weeks because they have an entire Eastern European botnet up there.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:49 AM on January 20, 2018 [24 favorites]
as always, humans are the dumbest of species, you never see an embarrassed bear with a courgette crammed up its ass
To be fair: There’s no way to know what bears do in the privacy of their own dens until ursine society develops online medical journals. It’s not like I’ve ever just stumbled across a human running about with pieces of grandma’s antique silverware lodged up their bum. I’d never know, pre-internet.
Bears aren’t likely the worst offenders, though. I hear terrible rumors about pygmy marmosets, even though they consistently put up a respectable front.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 3:07 AM on January 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
To be fair: There’s no way to know what bears do in the privacy of their own dens until ursine society develops online medical journals. It’s not like I’ve ever just stumbled across a human running about with pieces of grandma’s antique silverware lodged up their bum. I’d never know, pre-internet.
Bears aren’t likely the worst offenders, though. I hear terrible rumors about pygmy marmosets, even though they consistently put up a respectable front.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 3:07 AM on January 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
Can we use "butthurt" in this thread?
posted by chavenet at 3:07 AM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 3:07 AM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
“WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND ‘GOT TO EXPERIMENTING,’ AIR FRESHENER CONTAINER STUCK IN ANUS”
You find one in every butt, you'll see.
posted by chavenet at 3:10 AM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
You find one in every butt, you'll see.
posted by chavenet at 3:10 AM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
My cousin is an ER nurse who insists on telling objects in the butt stories at holiday dinners.
This year was the story of the doctor getting a handful of shaving cream in his hand during the rectal exam. He demanded my cousin empty the can before he got back and left.
She said it took twenty minutes and the guy jumping up and down between shots to get the can completely empty, and we all passed on whipped cream for the pumpkin pie.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 4:20 AM on January 20, 2018 [38 favorites]
This year was the story of the doctor getting a handful of shaving cream in his hand during the rectal exam. He demanded my cousin empty the can before he got back and left.
She said it took twenty minutes and the guy jumping up and down between shots to get the can completely empty, and we all passed on whipped cream for the pumpkin pie.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 4:20 AM on January 20, 2018 [38 favorites]
So who else just skipped right over the object-in-penis section
posted by Merus at 4:31 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by Merus at 4:31 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
poffin boffin: "i will never understand this as long as i live. YOU CAN BUY SEX TOYS ON AMAZON AND GET NEXT DAY DELIVERY. "
Not to defend random butt stuffing because most of these are poor impulse control/not thinking things thru/alcohol but some people are poor or bankless or can't receive packages in private.
posted by Mitheral at 5:16 AM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Not to defend random butt stuffing because most of these are poor impulse control/not thinking things thru/alcohol but some people are poor or bankless or can't receive packages in private.
posted by Mitheral at 5:16 AM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
“WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”
Well does it work?
I believe it eliminates the uncertainty around what a water bottle might feel like in one's rectum, so yes. If that was a issue for you, of course.
posted by tommasz at 5:17 AM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
Well does it work?
I believe it eliminates the uncertainty around what a water bottle might feel like in one's rectum, so yes. If that was a issue for you, of course.
posted by tommasz at 5:17 AM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
I'd also dispute that butt toys are all designed carefully by "butt happiness specialists", based on very casual perusals of that section of the adult store. Many of them seem to be in the "double dog dare ya" category.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:23 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:23 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
YOU CAN BUY SEX TOYS ON AMAZON AND GET NEXT DAY DELIVERY.
[homer] But I'm drunk and horny noooooow..... [/homer]
To be fair: There’s no way to know what bears do in the privacy of their own dens
You need to watch Project Grizzly. Now. Do not pass go, do not collect any money, just learn about Mr. Hurtubise.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:22 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
[homer] But I'm drunk and horny noooooow..... [/homer]
To be fair: There’s no way to know what bears do in the privacy of their own dens
You need to watch Project Grizzly. Now. Do not pass go, do not collect any money, just learn about Mr. Hurtubise.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:22 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
MetaFilter: designed by BUTT HAPPINESS SPECIALISTS who design things that make butts happy AS THEIR LIFE'S WORK.
posted by hippybear at 6:23 AM on January 20, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 6:23 AM on January 20, 2018 [19 favorites]
“WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND ‘GOT TO EXPERIMENTING,’ AIR FRESHENER CONTAINER STUCK IN ANUS”
It sounds like there are still a few other crucial steps missing in this summary.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:57 AM on January 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
It sounds like there are still a few other crucial steps missing in this summary.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:57 AM on January 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
This elevates "taking it up the Mezzogiorno" to a new level
posted by DJZouke at 7:00 AM on January 20, 2018
posted by DJZouke at 7:00 AM on January 20, 2018
“AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”
So... any given Friday night?
posted by Splunge at 7:21 AM on January 20, 2018
So... any given Friday night?
posted by Splunge at 7:21 AM on January 20, 2018
Anyone have any suggestions for good butt-happiness objects designed by professional butt pleasers? Maybe for the inexperienced but curious butt? Asking for a friend.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:35 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:35 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Penis: coaxial cable.
Dude. . . . That's not how VR works. . . . .
posted by soundguy99 at 7:59 AM on January 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
Dude. . . . That's not how VR works. . . . .
posted by soundguy99 at 7:59 AM on January 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
“WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”
I want to know what happened when he went through his pants pockets later.
"My penis? But then where did I put my--oh, boy."
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:01 AM on January 20, 2018 [17 favorites]
I want to know what happened when he went through his pants pockets later.
"My penis? But then where did I put my--oh, boy."
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:01 AM on January 20, 2018 [17 favorites]
Also...
MetaFilter: something specifically to go into butts and make those butts happy
Not sorry.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:03 AM on January 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
MetaFilter: something specifically to go into butts and make those butts happy
Not sorry.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:03 AM on January 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Thanks to whoever whomever the person what added "rectum" to the tags!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:42 AM on January 20, 2018
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:42 AM on January 20, 2018
On Twitter I suggested you make a post to counterbalance my cat post, since you're not a cat fan. This isn't what I meant.
posted by AFABulous at 8:44 AM on January 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 8:44 AM on January 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
If I had a peanut butter jar in my rectum, I'd probably be yelling jellying, too.
FTFY
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 8:46 AM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
FTFY
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 8:46 AM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Anyone have any suggestions for good butt-happiness objects designed by professional butt pleasers? Maybe for the inexperienced but curious butt?
You want something silicone with a flared base. Silicone is non-porous and can be easily disinfected (you can even run it through the dishwasher or boil it on the stove!). Tantus is a good, established brand and they make all sizes of toys. There are some specifically designed for people with prostates that I've heard feel even better. Start small and GO SLOW. If it hurts, you're at the wrong angle or going too fast. Always use water-based lube (and lots of it); silicone lube will break down silicone toys.
posted by AFABulous at 8:52 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
You want something silicone with a flared base. Silicone is non-porous and can be easily disinfected (you can even run it through the dishwasher or boil it on the stove!). Tantus is a good, established brand and they make all sizes of toys. There are some specifically designed for people with prostates that I've heard feel even better. Start small and GO SLOW. If it hurts, you're at the wrong angle or going too fast. Always use water-based lube (and lots of it); silicone lube will break down silicone toys.
posted by AFABulous at 8:52 AM on January 20, 2018 [7 favorites]
I can go on and on about this subject if anyone wants to talk to me privately.
posted by AFABulous at 8:56 AM on January 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 8:56 AM on January 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
When I lived in the Twin Cities a local radio morning show insisted that HCMC's emergency room had a "wall of shame", An old acquaintance of mine worked there so I asked him. "Oh hell no...it's just a big drawer". He then told a hilarious story about a large cucumber incident with the stuffee punching the doctor who had not checked his sarcasm at the door.
It appears that "feeling lonely" is now becoming an answer and probably closest to the truth.
posted by Ber at 9:07 AM on January 20, 2018
It appears that "feeling lonely" is now becoming an answer and probably closest to the truth.
posted by Ber at 9:07 AM on January 20, 2018
Every bullet point is horror comedy gold.
posted by smallerdemon at 9:23 AM on January 20, 2018
posted by smallerdemon at 9:23 AM on January 20, 2018
“WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”
Whose?
posted by pracowity at 9:33 AM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Whose?
posted by pracowity at 9:33 AM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
As my ER nurse girlfriend says, "Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to an ER nurse."
Honestly, they are words to live by.
posted by bawanaal at 10:02 AM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
Honestly, they are words to live by.
posted by bawanaal at 10:02 AM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
I expect your anxiety goes back up when you realize you can't pull it out.
posted by RobotHero at 10:20 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A QUARTER"Tadaa!"
posted by RobotHero at 10:20 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Not to defend random butt stuffing
fine, put a wheel of cheese and 100 left shoes in your butt if you want to, it's a free country
posted by poffin boffin at 10:22 AM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
fine, put a wheel of cheese and 100 left shoes in your butt if you want to, it's a free country
posted by poffin boffin at 10:22 AM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
You know, upon reflecting on this thread overnight, I do have something non-snarky to say. Most doctors and nurses are none too squeamish and we really have seen it all, or at least we’ve seen enough, to maintain our outward composure and professionalism about this kind of thing. What’s funny is the time and time again “I fell on it” defense. But honestly, I think if you’re good at health care, you somehow find a way to convey in spoken or nonspoken ways “Hey, you and I both know what happened. You’re a little kinky and were curious and it’s ok. Sex is a weird thing and actually among the range of possible human behaviors, getting the salad tongs stuck in your colon is probably not that far off the scale. Now bend over and take a deep breath.”
One recent encounter I had with a patient involved some minor butt-related trauma that was no big deal and I was like don’t worry about it, it will heal up fine, then my patient took a deep breath and said “Well, to be honest, I like [redacted sexual practice].”
*tiny, imperceptible internal shock and amusement, which due to my years of technical experience was completely invisible to my patient”
We then had a conversation about possible consequences of too much [redacted sexual practice] and possible ways to mitigate those consequences. And I walked away from that encounter with a whole lot of respect for this person’s honesty and maybe even some curiosity about the pleasure of [redacted sexual practice] and didn’t run off to tell everyone “you wouldn’t *believe* what I just saw!” except for the thousands of you people
I guess what’s funny to me is not so much “what an idiot sticking a toothbrush AND a toothbrush holder up your butt” but that sex is really weird and we’re so embarrassed about it, we’ll tell an anonymous professional sworn to privacy “I fell on it” before we’ll tell the truth. What’s funny is we identify with that and the truth is, I’d probably say “I fell on it” too.
And what was said above is absolutely true. First and foremost, the names and identifiers with these cases are totally confidential, but hell yes I’m going to tell every other doctor in the room about it afterward but it’s more like how I’d also tell every doctor about your 4 foot long tape worm, or your “worst case of shingles I ever saw”, or the amount of heroin you just told me you use.
Not sure how I feel about these lists coming out every year. I mean, they are funny and I participate. I think they probably contribute equally to both sex shaming and kink acceptance. But this is the Internet age and I suppose the more information we have about our behavior the better off we are.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:28 AM on January 20, 2018 [40 favorites]
One recent encounter I had with a patient involved some minor butt-related trauma that was no big deal and I was like don’t worry about it, it will heal up fine, then my patient took a deep breath and said “Well, to be honest, I like [redacted sexual practice].”
*tiny, imperceptible internal shock and amusement, which due to my years of technical experience was completely invisible to my patient”
We then had a conversation about possible consequences of too much [redacted sexual practice] and possible ways to mitigate those consequences. And I walked away from that encounter with a whole lot of respect for this person’s honesty and maybe even some curiosity about the pleasure of [redacted sexual practice] and didn’t run off to tell everyone “you wouldn’t *believe* what I just saw!” except for the thousands of you people
I guess what’s funny to me is not so much “what an idiot sticking a toothbrush AND a toothbrush holder up your butt” but that sex is really weird and we’re so embarrassed about it, we’ll tell an anonymous professional sworn to privacy “I fell on it” before we’ll tell the truth. What’s funny is we identify with that and the truth is, I’d probably say “I fell on it” too.
And what was said above is absolutely true. First and foremost, the names and identifiers with these cases are totally confidential, but hell yes I’m going to tell every other doctor in the room about it afterward but it’s more like how I’d also tell every doctor about your 4 foot long tape worm, or your “worst case of shingles I ever saw”, or the amount of heroin you just told me you use.
Not sure how I feel about these lists coming out every year. I mean, they are funny and I participate. I think they probably contribute equally to both sex shaming and kink acceptance. But this is the Internet age and I suppose the more information we have about our behavior the better off we are.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:28 AM on January 20, 2018 [40 favorites]
counterbalance my cat post […] This isn't what I meant.
The dogs are [more inside].
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:29 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
The dogs are [more inside].
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:29 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
The dogs are [more inside].
But inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
posted by hippybear at 10:32 AM on January 20, 2018 [14 favorites]
But inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
posted by hippybear at 10:32 AM on January 20, 2018 [14 favorites]
I sat on a knitting needle that was left on a couch a few years ago. When I got to the ER there was a HUGE group there to watch because they were expecting me to be on this list. They were so used to hearing "I fell on it" and "It's in my upper leg 5 inches deep" as obvious code words.
It actually was "upper leg" in my case and they were a bit disappointed but still stood around and chuckled as I was helpless and face down and having my pants cut off. I tucked the work into my pocket and didn't drop a stitch. Mrs. Wreckage got to wear the shawl to a wedding a few weeks later.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 10:46 AM on January 20, 2018 [23 favorites]
It actually was "upper leg" in my case and they were a bit disappointed but still stood around and chuckled as I was helpless and face down and having my pants cut off. I tucked the work into my pocket and didn't drop a stitch. Mrs. Wreckage got to wear the shawl to a wedding a few weeks later.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 10:46 AM on January 20, 2018 [23 favorites]
WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM
Okay, this whole "raw water" thing is getting really out of hand.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 10:47 AM on January 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
Okay, this whole "raw water" thing is getting really out of hand.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 10:47 AM on January 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
Rect'um? Hell, it nearly killed 'im!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:53 AM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:53 AM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
ಠ_ಠ
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:03 AM on January 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:03 AM on January 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
When I got to the ER there was a HUGE group there to watch because they were expecting me to be on this list. ....stood around and chuckled as I was helpless and face down and having my pants cut off.
That really sucks.
posted by thelonius at 11:06 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
That really sucks.
posted by thelonius at 11:06 AM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
“WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND ‘GOT TO EXPERIMENTING,’ AIR FRESHENER CONTAINER STUCK IN ANUS”
It sounds like there are still a few other crucial steps missing in this summary.
Yeah like where's the hypothesis statement?
posted by atoxyl at 11:14 AM on January 20, 2018 [12 favorites]
It sounds like there are still a few other crucial steps missing in this summary.
Yeah like where's the hypothesis statement?
posted by atoxyl at 11:14 AM on January 20, 2018 [12 favorites]
I had assumed the medical staff asked "How did this happen?" in case it was the result of sexual assault. But I can understand simple human curiosity, too.
posted by JimInLoganSquare at 11:31 AM on January 20, 2018
posted by JimInLoganSquare at 11:31 AM on January 20, 2018
I also assume most medical staff tries to educate the patient to, you know, prevent them from showing up again the following week with yet another vaguely tubular object irretrievably lost in their butt.
"I fell on it" ought to be followed by "okay, in the future please try only to fall on things with a flared base so you can pull them out yourself"
posted by lydhre at 12:14 PM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
"I fell on it" ought to be followed by "okay, in the future please try only to fall on things with a flared base so you can pull them out yourself"
posted by lydhre at 12:14 PM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
Every time I see a post like this I spend the next week triple checking any place I plan to sit down.
posted by MultiFaceted at 12:57 PM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by MultiFaceted at 12:57 PM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
My penis? But then where did I put my--oh, boy."
So Townes Van Zandt used to tell an onstage joke about a drunk guy, a cop, and a missing car, and a key for said car, and the punchline, after the drunk guy looks down to discover that his junk is hanging out of his fly, is “oh shit, they got my girl too.”
posted by spitbull at 3:47 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
So Townes Van Zandt used to tell an onstage joke about a drunk guy, a cop, and a missing car, and a key for said car, and the punchline, after the drunk guy looks down to discover that his junk is hanging out of his fly, is “oh shit, they got my girl too.”
posted by spitbull at 3:47 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Slarty Bartfast, you are awesome and I wish you lived in Buffalo because I would totally love for you to be my doctor.
(one in a million chance, doc)
posted by biscotti at 3:48 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
(one in a million chance, doc)
posted by biscotti at 3:48 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Anyone have any suggestions for good butt-happiness objects designed by professional butt pleasers? Maybe for the inexperienced but curious butt?
My sources tell me that there are also such things as sets of plugs in progressively larger sizes [NSFW, of course] for working your way up, as it were. One of them has the cute name of "Booty Boot Camp."
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:20 PM on January 20, 2018
My sources tell me that there are also such things as sets of plugs in progressively larger sizes [NSFW, of course] for working your way up, as it were. One of them has the cute name of "Booty Boot Camp."
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:20 PM on January 20, 2018
Slarty Bartfast, you are awesome and I wish you lived in Buffalo because I would totally love for you to be my doctor.
I have had the honor to have had Slarty stop by my hospital room once, but not officially as my doctor. I woke up to him standing in my room and despite the street clothes he sure looked like a doctor, and he was asking me a question that sounded like he was officially doctoring, but it was probably more like "How are you doing?"
I remember thinking "Oh, hey, I like this doctor and for whatever reason they seem like a good one." and feeling kind of relieved.
And so I was really confused for while until I realized that, no, he was actually from the internet and just happened to be a doctor, not my doctor.
Anyway, while these are hilarious I'm also in the side of things that it's pretty mean to point and laugh at people having medical issues, self inflicted or not.
While I've happily volunteered to be a demo patient for things when asked, I'd be fucking mortified and pissed off if a bunch of ER docs and nurses were standing around waiting to see what was jammed up my ass or not, and if not, where.
posted by loquacious at 9:27 PM on January 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
I have had the honor to have had Slarty stop by my hospital room once, but not officially as my doctor. I woke up to him standing in my room and despite the street clothes he sure looked like a doctor, and he was asking me a question that sounded like he was officially doctoring, but it was probably more like "How are you doing?"
I remember thinking "Oh, hey, I like this doctor and for whatever reason they seem like a good one." and feeling kind of relieved.
And so I was really confused for while until I realized that, no, he was actually from the internet and just happened to be a doctor, not my doctor.
Anyway, while these are hilarious I'm also in the side of things that it's pretty mean to point and laugh at people having medical issues, self inflicted or not.
While I've happily volunteered to be a demo patient for things when asked, I'd be fucking mortified and pissed off if a bunch of ER docs and nurses were standing around waiting to see what was jammed up my ass or not, and if not, where.
posted by loquacious at 9:27 PM on January 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
> as always, humans are the dumbest of species, you never see an embarrassed bear with a courgette crammed up its ass
This is because bears do not know shame. We could all learn something from bears.
posted by ardgedee at 6:09 PM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is because bears do not know shame. We could all learn something from bears.
posted by ardgedee at 6:09 PM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
After reading this and groaning/chortling over the examples, I immediately thought of an article I read on Friday about a house plant that is responsible for ear injuries that have resulted in permanent hearing loss (no, not triffids; yuccas) and then remembered the story about the lady who was nearly blinded by Christmas card glitter. Not as amusing, of course, but still something of the same flavour of "the what got stuck in your what now?"
posted by Athanassiel at 8:03 PM on January 21, 2018
posted by Athanassiel at 8:03 PM on January 21, 2018
I have been poked and perforated a number of times by yucca trees. They're basically pokey and prickly all over, including on the inside. The fresh green leaves are very pointy and sharp. Yuccas also do this thing where they'll dry out and half-die and be barely standing up, and if you approach them, bump them or even walk heavily nearby they'll collapse, drop limbs or fall completely over in a shower of dried up spikey bits and weird prehistoric papery logs.
This can obviously be a nasty surprise if you're a tourist in the desert and a yucca tree is about the only thing that actually casts a shadow for miles around. People are naturally attracted to them for the shade, so they'll try to lean against them or sit under them and find that at best it's really uncomfortable and entirely untreelike and more like trying to hug a pineapple, and at worst they have a yucca collapse on them or they discover that other desert creatures also like shade.
I strongly suggest just staying away from yucca trees in general. Yeah, enjoy the shade at a safe distance, but don't get too friendly. I've just seen too many of them spontaneously collapse and they're just marvelously pokey and really good at communicating "stay away".
Now don't get me started about bayonet plants and bottlebrush or cholla cactus.
posted by loquacious at 4:04 AM on January 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
This can obviously be a nasty surprise if you're a tourist in the desert and a yucca tree is about the only thing that actually casts a shadow for miles around. People are naturally attracted to them for the shade, so they'll try to lean against them or sit under them and find that at best it's really uncomfortable and entirely untreelike and more like trying to hug a pineapple, and at worst they have a yucca collapse on them or they discover that other desert creatures also like shade.
I strongly suggest just staying away from yucca trees in general. Yeah, enjoy the shade at a safe distance, but don't get too friendly. I've just seen too many of them spontaneously collapse and they're just marvelously pokey and really good at communicating "stay away".
Now don't get me started about bayonet plants and bottlebrush or cholla cactus.
posted by loquacious at 4:04 AM on January 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Cholla are entirely evil and should be avoided at all costs.
Except for this one kind that grows in central NM near Socorro which is the only kind that actually grows wood thick enough to do anything with. I have a 5' long cholla walking stick my husbear made for me and it is one of the most beautiful objects.
But that is dead cholla. Live cholla should be avoided at all costs.
posted by hippybear at 7:51 PM on January 22, 2018
Except for this one kind that grows in central NM near Socorro which is the only kind that actually grows wood thick enough to do anything with. I have a 5' long cholla walking stick my husbear made for me and it is one of the most beautiful objects.
But that is dead cholla. Live cholla should be avoided at all costs.
posted by hippybear at 7:51 PM on January 22, 2018
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2 AAA BATTERIES
D BATTERY
The conversion rate I never wanted to know.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:07 PM on January 19, 2018 [17 favorites]