Robots can save marriages

April 18, 2018 4:05 PM

Robots successfully assemble an IKEA chair in under 9 minutes. There is additional information and video at IEEE Spectrum, including two attempts from 2013.
posted by AFABulous (38 comments total)

I've assembled an IKEA chair in less time than that, and there was only one of me! Deep Blue, you lose!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:12 PM on April 18, 2018 [7 favorites]

The IKEA Funding Bill is passed. The Ögla goes on-line August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Dagstorp begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the Ödmjuk.

posted by Fizz at 4:12 PM on April 18, 2018 [43 favorites]

I'll worry when they can't get out of the store because they start fighting over a picture frame and one of them ends up crying.

That's the IKEA Türing Test.
posted by leotrotsky at 4:15 PM on April 18, 2018 [38 favorites]

The 2013 robots were actually more impressive because they were completely autonomous. They weren't even given instructions besides "you must use all the pieces and screw holes." Then they just... figured it out. Talk about self-aware.
posted by AFABulous at 4:18 PM on April 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

Assembling flatpack furniture is a singular joy for me, and I'll never let the robots take that away! NEVER!
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:20 PM on April 18, 2018 [22 favorites]

Well heck if I had a magic invisible person who would un-package everything and lay it out just so I'd be good at it too I bet.
posted by parki at 4:29 PM on April 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

soren_lorensen, there will always be a market for artisinally assembled flatpack furniture.
posted by adamrice at 4:30 PM on April 18, 2018 [11 favorites]

I AM THE BORJE AND I SAY YOU ARE GOING WITH ME AND NOT THE URVAJ SO WELCOME TO FUCKTOWN
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 4:37 PM on April 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

I'm with you, soren_lorensen. Assembling flat-pack stuff is fun for me. I've been going for more of a high-durability lifestyle lately, though, which means I don't buy nearly as much flat pack stuff as in my just-out-of-college days.
posted by tobascodagama at 4:41 PM on April 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

Do we have to do the "LOL Swedish, amirite??" thing in every thread that do much af mentions IKEA?
posted by Dysk at 4:42 PM on April 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

do you want frustrated angry killbots?
because this is how you get frustrated angry killbots.
posted by lalochezia at 4:43 PM on April 18, 2018 [9 favorites]

Now have the robots pick the flat packs out of the warehouse and drive the delivery truck to me.
posted by ardgedee at 4:46 PM on April 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

That's well and good, but what do the robots do if the wooden peg goes in too deeply. Or not deeply enough. And you've got to give it a good kick to sit flush with the next piece. Or what if there kit is one wooden peg short? WHAT NOW ROBOT?
posted by thecjm at 4:58 PM on April 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

Thank goodness someone made the joke about what happens if there's a missing piece. I thought we might have to program a bot to pick that low hanging fruit.
posted by peeedro at 5:07 PM on April 18, 2018 [5 favorites]

Assembling flatpack furniture is a singular joy for me, and I'll never let the robots take that away! NEVER!

So if I can't get one of these robots... are any of you people who love this so much available?

I like Ikea for both style and price, but sob, I don't have the energy or patience right now for the fact that my living room is full of boxes. I have a desk, a bed frame, a coffee table and either one or two bookshelves--I have actually forgotten--waiting on being put together. They've already been here a week. Sigh.
posted by Sequence at 5:20 PM on April 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Sequence: If the Pacific ocean werent in the way, I would gladly come over to assist you with your furniture assembly needs.
posted by Faintdreams at 5:40 PM on April 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think it’s nice that they’re friends and that they enjoy building things together :)
posted by gucci mane at 5:45 PM on April 18, 2018 [13 favorites]

Isn’t that pretty standard assembly line robot stuff? Just that on an assembly line each robot has a single task; if you had an army of these robots each doing one thing, you could probably assemble a chair every minute or so. I would guess that the way IKEA and other flat pack furniture is produced in the first place involves similar robots. Anyway, call me when the robots can put one of these things together. I’ll really be impressed when they can peel the protective plastic film off both sides of all 18 easily damaged roofing sections.

And you can add me to the list of those who love putting these things together. Just like when I cook I even like to add my own touches. A larger carriage bolt here, a little wood glue there, a dab of loc-tite just to be on the safe side. There aren’t a lot of mefites here in Augusta GA, but if I have time I will definitely come over and help you put stuff together.
posted by TedW at 5:55 PM on April 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

And we can fuel the robots on grubs and give them tentacles to manipulate tools and give ourselves robot hands controlled by thought with which we will wield our garage-built razor swords (which our children will build for subscribers until the tentaclebots revolt) and now you know exactly what the future dystopian hellscape will look like, today, in living color.
posted by saysthis at 6:09 PM on April 18, 2018

Nine minutes huh? Don't you remember the SEVEN MINUTES OF TERROR landing the Curiosity rover on Mars? These bots have it easy.
posted by adept256 at 6:28 PM on April 18, 2018

I hereby swear that if I'm ever in the proximity of someone in need of flat pack furniture assembly, I will happily provide my services. My only stipulation is that I work alone. The dark art of deciphering Ikea iconography requires my absolute, undivided attention.

This thread is making me want to buy some furniture.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:37 PM on April 18, 2018 [9 favorites]

(defun botsbuildchairs () botsbuildchairs())
posted by mhoye at 7:55 PM on April 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

soren_lorensen, me too! I have been invited over for pizza and furniture assembly and I send the people away. They may come back when my magic is done.

Bring me a slice though.

Man I like putting together flat pack stuff.
posted by right_then at 7:59 PM on April 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Wondermark on flat-pack assembling...
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:42 PM on April 18, 2018

I thought a robot could save my marriage, but then my husband was seduced by technology. Big surprise, she's already screwing around on him
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:57 PM on April 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

A neighbor of ours once noticed that my wife and I bought quite a bit of flat-pack furniture, and asked if we could help her assemble a new office desk she'd just bought. We like doing it, so we happy to help, and used our customary strategy of squabbling good-naturedly over the directions. Our neighbor suggested we should start a business putting together flat-pack furniture, not for the assembly but for the entertainment value. I'm still not really sure what she meant.
posted by biogeo at 9:48 PM on April 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

This hurts because I spent 2.5 hours fucking up an IKEA crib this weekend.
posted by greermahoney at 10:13 PM on April 18, 2018

Must have missed the part where they glue the dowels in and/or put in some screws. I would not sit on that chair.
posted by flabdablet at 10:16 PM on April 18, 2018

Great, first they are coming for our jobs, now they are coming for our hobbies. (NOT my hobby, mind you, but a lot of yours, apparently.)
posted by Samizdata at 10:25 PM on April 18, 2018

Must have missed the part where they glue the dowels in and/or put in some screws. I would not sit on that chair.

Yeah the video is actually cut short. The extended version shows a third robot coming in and sitting on the chair, it collapsing, and the first two robots damn near pissing themselves with laughter.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 11:06 PM on April 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

That chair isn't really 'assembled' BUT I was super-impressed at how it could wiggle the chair parts to get the dowels fully engaged. In my family that is generally the step with the most amount of needless yelling.
posted by muddgirl at 11:43 PM on April 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

I too enjoy assembling ikea furniture. It's like a giant 3D puzzle you can sit on!

Also not that impressed by the concept of a furniture-assembling robot, given that furniture-assembling robots have been stealing our flesh jobs on assembly lines for a couple decades now...
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:53 AM on April 19, 2018 [3 favorites]

One of my proudest moments was assembling not one, but two, MALM chests of drawers in one afternoon. This was a job that normally required two people, and I did it myself despite being notoriously un-handy. Yay me!

(Yes, this is the model that was eventually recalled due to tipping problems. I resolved my tipping problem by putting heavy stuff in the bottom drawer, thus keeping it firmly grounded.)
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 7:15 AM on April 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Discovering that assembling flat-pack furniture with my future spouse actually made the process easier - unlike my experience collaborating on mechanical work with almost every other person on Earth - was astonishing and delightful.

The world is full of awesome, kind, smart people who don't happen to be good at both understanding spatial relationships and thoughtfully anticipating their colleague's intentions. Both are only a tiny part of the spectrum of great things humans can accomplish. I wish such people well. I adore many of them. But, I often wish they'd stop getting in the way and insisting on "helping," or arguing that it's Ikea's fault they didn't bother to look carefully at the diagram before randomly hammering pegs into the wrong holes.

These robots definitely won't save my marriage. They'd have probably made my marriage slightly less likely in the first place. But, now that I'm married, I'd happily take a few, assuming they can be reprogrammed for other more useful or silly things.
posted by eotvos at 8:41 AM on April 19, 2018 [3 favorites]

Goodness me, this is so graceful and swooping and ritualised and delicate, it looks like a mating dance of swans.
posted by glasseyes at 10:38 AM on April 19, 2018

This hurts because I spent 2.5 hours fucking up an IKEA crib this weekend.

At last babby is formed.
posted by srboisvert at 5:41 AM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Bäbbÿ
posted by tobascodagama at 7:24 AM on April 20, 2018

In my callow youth working at a department store, the best part of my job in the Housewares department was building the floor models of the ready-to-assemble furniture. Whenever a customer would admire a piece but be on the fence about buying because they weren't sure of being able to put it together, I'd say, "I built this one, and if I can do it anybody can." It was a little depressing that most of the customers who doubted their own mechanical ability were women, but it felt that much better whenever they decided to go ahead.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:40 AM on April 20, 2018 [2 favorites]