On the otter of sobriety
June 19, 2018 10:42 AM   Subscribe

"Some neophyte knitters might think that one scarf is a project. But then their goal is probably to make a scarf. My goal was to no longer want to drink a bottle of wine every night, and that would take more yarn." Or maybe a felted otter kit. Or maybe saying no to the want instead of killing it. Kristi Coulter, for Longreads: Trying to Kill the Want.
posted by MonkeyToes (28 comments total) 46 users marked this as a favorite
 
This was moving and beautifully written.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:04 AM on June 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


I was gonna come in and say something snarky about how a scarf is the worst project to try and distract yourself with (so boring, takes too long, so boring) but as I read the full thing I was touched by the piece. It felt like a genuine and honest peek into addiction and sobriety. Thanks for the find.
posted by like_neon at 11:24 AM on June 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


I know someone who took up crochet to help beat addiction. It's not so strange as it sounds.
posted by Calzephyr at 11:41 AM on June 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


This was a wonderful piece and there are some uncomfortable parts of myself I recognize in it. Thanks!
posted by Kitteh at 11:45 AM on June 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Acceptance
posted by bwvol at 11:50 AM on June 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Yup. That's about right. That's how I felt 44 years ago. I recognize it very well. It's still fresh in my mind. Never made a felted otter, but I've done a lot of things like that (and other things like learning to be a human being, and taking up a sport, and having a life, and getting a degree) since I stopped. I think I'm going to borrow the term "felted otter" as a suggestion.
posted by Peach at 11:50 AM on June 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


...the shelf reserved for optimistic variations of myself that rarely surfaced...

I have very strong feelings about this, and I think this is one of the keys to "killing the want" and that empty hole almost everyone seems to have and try to fill with stuff that doesn't fit.

It seems if you can find some authentic variation of those aspirational or exploratory things and keep it surfaced and follow it - a lot of other things fall into place and in line because you're just too busy happily pursuing that authentic thing.

That thing can be many, many things in life, whether it's arts and sciences or service work or knitting weird mathematical scarves. That thing also doesn't have to be a life's career, nor does one need to even think about striving to be the best at it. It could even be sitting on a beach or being a ski bum or rock climber.

It only has to be authentic.

How do you know it's authentic? You enjoy whatever it is so much you get completely lost in the flow of it.
posted by loquacious at 11:51 AM on June 19, 2018 [20 favorites]


And nothing made me stop. Because I didn’t want to stop drinking. I wanted to stop wanting to drink.

Yes, exactly
posted by not_the_water at 11:54 AM on June 19, 2018 [11 favorites]


OMG. I've never had a problem with substances, but the whole part about avoiding the problem and outsmarting yourself time after time is so $¢ing familiar.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:59 AM on June 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


There are days, like today, where I briefly wish I could drink like a normal person, because a little escapism in moderation isn't a bad thing. But I drank to escape every day, and I'm not capable of moderation. What I am capable of now, in sobriety, is actually dealing with life, like bravely taking my cat to the vet for what could have been the Last Visit. Turns out I'm a lot stronger than the bottle let me believe.

How do you know it's authentic? You enjoy whatever it is so much you get completely lost in the flow of it.

I needed to find myself authentic self. The pieces are coming together. And although things are generally shitty and stressful right now, both in the world at large and in my personal life, I sometimes find myself bursting with this internal joy. It is the best feeling.
posted by Ruki at 12:13 PM on June 19, 2018 [17 favorites]


When I first got sober, I ran, I took photographs, I played in bands with other sober folk. And went to meetings. Lots, and lots of meetings.
The running was for the anger, oh man, did I have anger issues. I would run til I was no longer angry. That usually lasted a few hours.
The photography and bands were to fill the void left by my true loves, drugs and booze.
The meetings because, I was unbelievably lonely and was willing to try anything to feel less so, and less suicidal.
Well, It's been 32 years and I mostly don't have the need for booze or drugs. I've done things and gone places I never would have otherwise. Some days life is amazing, and some days it sucks, but I don't drink or take drugs to regardless of how good or bad it is.
posted by evilDoug at 12:25 PM on June 19, 2018 [24 favorites]


Oh man. While I've never been addicted to substances, that feeling of "I want" does resonate, and probably has a lot more to do with my current state of being than I've realized. Sometimes I pour a glass, sometimes it's throwing something extra in the cart, sometimes it's falling down the internet rabbit hole to avoid work. It's all minor stuff independently, but I could see how continuing to feed the want instead of working on why it's there (likely the latent depression) could start to spiral.

Coincidentally, the current want has been for more yarns, which I can make more and elaborate gifts for family. Luckily knitting does induce flow, but I have been increasing my stash much faster than I can knit.
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 12:45 PM on June 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


I've never grappled with addiction to drugs or alcohol, but oh my god, I absolutely pour myself into hobbies. I'm quite bad at remaining "casual" at games, and I've found myself losing weekends because I meant to play for 2-3 hours and then do other things, but "just one more game" kept happening.

It's really easy to imagine how addiction takes hold, and I can't imagine trying to quit something while I still enjoyed it.
posted by explosion at 1:12 PM on June 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


See, this is why you drink boxed wine, so you don't have to admit to yourself or anyone else how many glasses you've had.
posted by slipthought at 1:18 PM on June 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


See, this is why you drink boxed wine, so you don't have to admit to yourself or anyone else how many glasses you've had.

That's exactly what I did. For years and years and years. And then you alternate liquor stores because you don't want the staff to know how often you need to buy those boxes.
posted by Ruki at 1:27 PM on June 19, 2018 [12 favorites]


loquacious, your comment (and this article, and the recognition of myself just losing control in any craft supply store) reminds me of this passage from Art and Fear:

I'm also pretty much directly nodding to Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, which is definitely worth the read and has a bunch of helpful, useful ideas. I read it years ago and integrated a bunch of it, apparently.

I will acknowledge that the finding one's authentic whatever and keeping it surfaced can be difficult to actually do. I feel fortunate that I'm passionate about a lot of different things and engaged with it. I feel thankful that I've been able to explore and reinvent my interests so much.

I think one more functional piece of advice is that if you have something you like - or better, love - doing is to treat it very seriously like a job, and also with a lot of care, like a lover.

To treat a hobby or passion like a job means you schedule concrete time in your life for it, and you can then assign a value to those hours. It can be an industry average value, say, $300 an hour is what you might charge someone else to do, say, photography.

Assign a very large value to that time. Keep thinking about your time like that. It's not about the money, but the value. Time is the most valuable thing anyone has, and I know a whole lot about wasting it, often happily.

Now that time has a concrete price. That doen't mean you're magically paying yourself $300 an hour. That means that that's what your commercial price would be to break that appointment with yourself and do something else.

IE, if you're going to reschedule that "work" day doing the thing you love, it better be making a ton of money or equal value, or serving some purpose greater than the authentic thing you love doing.

So, when your day job or your life tries to intrude on that space you've carved out to do the thing, you have a very serious value/price assigned to losing that.

Don't break those appointments with yourself. Make actual structure and dates to go do the authentic thing. Do the self care to prepare yourself for that, like cleaning camera gear for a shoot and making lists, or hydrating and eating well before a run or hike, and resting.

I use this technique all the time right now when working on so-called hobbies like DJing or making music. I block out the time on the calendar, both work and personal. I even block PTO days for it and for self care for a gig.

"Sorry, no way I can work that day and I will be out of office. I need to go be a rock star, and that's actually a lot of work and commitment. I need the time to practice, hydrate, rest up and even do a bit of yoga."

And I think this is how people transition from working for somebody else to working for themselves and the authentic thing they love doing beyond a hobby, not that all of these authentic, flowy things need to be incomes. But when they are, you just slowly allow it to completely fill your calendar and schedule as it begins to pay for itself.

In either case there's this totally magical thing that happens where you love doing these things enough that they impact the rest of your life positively. Self care becomes more natural and routine, because it's easy to see how it makes more time, energy and ability available to do that authentic thing that you love.

It sort of becomes second nature and just a fabric of your life that reminds you that you love doing the authentic thing you love, and that if that self care doesn't happen, you don't get to do it as well or as often.

Why, hello there positive feedback loop. Aren't you just a wonderful thing?

Do it. Do the authentic thing. Explore. Play. Be silly. Make mistakes.

And do try not to be aspirational through your wallet in filling the want, for most of these things, it's best to start small with what you have to find what you like - and it makes it easier to make mistakes and play and explore.

There are so many diverse forms these authentic and passionate things can take, and so many of them can also be huge positives for society and culture.
posted by loquacious at 1:32 PM on June 19, 2018 [19 favorites]


I just passed six months sober from my addiction of choice. This article punched me really hard in the heart, and I can see myself in a lot of it. I have moving boxes full of (crafts|techie projects|books|distractions) that I accumulated in attempts, I guess, to find that authentic-ness that loquacious talked about. A lot of them, like her otter, are still in their original packages.

But... the things that most I love to do, and that feel most authentic to me and most authentically me? Never took away the want. Never managed to even start filling in that hole. Never really managed to replace my "dis-ease" as the way to feel better about who I am.

I guess I'm saying addiction is a land of contrasts. I'm really glad she found something that worked for her, and that she's managed it on her own. For me, it's been therapy and 12 step and supportive friends, and I could not have done it by myself.
posted by hanov3r at 1:41 PM on June 19, 2018 [10 favorites]


As a compuslive overeater, I wish I could do this.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 3:03 PM on June 19, 2018 [7 favorites]


This was a good read. A hard read for me for all the right reasons, as I eye the final glass of tonight's "two glasses of wine after work to unwind -- one while cooking, one with dinner" that turned into finishing the whole bottle because the news continues to destroy my sense of place and power on a daily basis. I have half-finished massive complex cross-stitch patterns and half-completed crocheted scarves in a bin in my line of sight, which were all started as otter-projects. I am now going to mentally refer to things I do like this as otter-projects.

I'm mentally eyeing the next bottle while searching for new coloring books on Amazon.

I will probably not say no to the next bottle tonight.

It's Tuesday, and I have a career and a family with a young child and I am ashamed of my ability to appear sober.

I'm going to re-read this again tomorrow and keep it on bookmark for future re-readings.
posted by erst at 8:03 PM on June 19, 2018 [8 favorites]


"I'm not going to drink today." (6:14 AM blind agony) "I'm not going to drink today." (6:52 AM, unrolling cords, sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:04 AM, unbelievable construction noise, sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:08 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:14 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:24 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:25 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:31 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:42 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:44 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (7:58 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (8:08 AM sick) "I'm not going to drink today." (8:16 AM sick)

All. Fucking. Day.

"I'm not going to drink today." (3:42 PM, leaving jobsite)

Buy 12 pack.

Was I going to be a good citizen? Drink that 12, laundry maybe, clean the kitchen, play 3 handed Spades with Jessie and Kristi? Or driving, roaring, raging, whiskey, speed, 3 AM, throwing bottles at cars? New whiskey dents in the truck tomorrow?

It beat the living shit out of me.

I was terrified.

Man takes drink. Drink takes man.

It took me.

It beat me. And then it beat me more.

It is impossible to explain the terror.

The only people who know are people who have lived it.

They are my people.
posted by dancestoblue at 8:07 PM on June 19, 2018 [10 favorites]


The christmas ornaments project by a mother - oh my. Oh my. I can see them, those bright beautiful canvas stitched nativities my mother made one year and how peaceful the house was when she was absorbed in making them, or her quilts. And being so glad and grateful she was making them instead. Id forgotten that feeling, but this is so *true*.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 11:44 PM on June 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


It's a little trite, but I find stories of sobriety really brave. I don't mean stories of people hitting rock bottom and deciding to quit, sometimes they're fun but mostly, for me, they feel like rubber-necking. I mean the bit after, or the bit captured here, where the old habits come back and you get to see if you weren't lying to yourself.

I salute you.
posted by Merus at 7:04 AM on June 20, 2018


Advertisements for addiction programs--any programs--frequently feature language like "freedom" and "peace" and pictures of blue sky and clouds. I wish they were honest. It doesn't feel like you're ever free. It's this grim march day after day accompanied by the hope that maybe it'll get easier, and the knowledge that the hope is a lie, and really, the want is always going to be there, strong as ever, and the best outcome is that if you keep practicing the self-denial it'll become a habit and it'll go from something sitting at the front of your brain all the time to something lurking in the shadows.

The problem with telling people to be authentic is that the want is authentic. It's programmed in your brain and is as much a part of you as your heart or your lungs and is as innate to you as the need to breathe. Fighting one's addiction means denying some of the most powerful and authentic aspects of the self. So it is frustrating to read the exhortations to find flow and authenticity--one does find that. In one's addiction. More truthful advice: keep trying shit until you find something that distracts you for a minute from how much you need the thing you need. And then a minute becomes two minutes. And three minutes. And all you can do is white-knuckle the ride and every night try to distract yourself with the Healthy Thing and hope that bedtime comes before your willpower burns out.
posted by Anonymous at 3:05 PM on June 20, 2018


language like "freedom" and "peace" and pictures of blue sky and clouds. I wish they were honest.

Well, I had some pretty peak experiences getting sober, myself. I remember one day, about 11 months and 2 weeks after my last drink, I had to pull my car over, weeping with joy that I was actually making it, and was going to reach the (to me, very meaningful) milestone of a year. I have very rarely been troubled by a desire for alcohol, since the second year, too. That first year was pretty hard, though, yes.
posted by thelonius at 3:14 PM on June 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


On the other hand, a year does not mean you have beaten anything - the first person I saw drink themselves to death had over two years sober once.
posted by thelonius at 3:17 PM on June 20, 2018


I'm glad it works for some people, I'm glad it works for you!
posted by Anonymous at 3:17 PM on June 20, 2018


schroedinger, I might add that the only way rehab was involved was, the concept "if I can't do this, I'm going to have to go to rehab", which I did not want to do
posted by thelonius at 3:25 PM on June 20, 2018


For me, both of your experiences ring true to me.

When I say I needed to find my authentic self, it's because I started drinking because I moved out my parents' home with my husband, because I married young, two weeks before Kid Ruki was born. I became an adult in a much different way than most of my friends. I didn't have a chance to develop a strong sense of my own self and I was always defined by relationships to others. Also, I have a strong family of addiction.

So no, it's not something I'll ever be free from. One drink will ruin me. At the same time, though, I rarely want it. Sobriety is not passive. I work on it every day. Not finding something to fill the hole, but what it means to be sober. I have something that works for me, and that lets me feel the joy.
posted by Ruki at 8:36 PM on June 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


« Older Time for Detroit renewal   |   Who has created this abomination against God... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments