Bathtime logistics

August 21, 2018 1:02 PM

An Investigation: Do men enter the bathtub on their hands and knees in order to ensure their balls hit the water last?
posted by rewil (100 comments total)

Balls-last dippers have got to be the same lunatics who stand to wipe.
posted by FatherDagon at 1:10 PM on August 21, 2018 [24 favorites]

wat
posted by feckless at 1:11 PM on August 21, 2018 [16 favorites]

it's a sequel to the penis beaker discussion!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:12 PM on August 21, 2018 [10 favorites]

This post rules, thank you.
posted by duffell at 1:12 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Someone on the internet pulled something made-up out of their ass: but could it happen? A 20-page essay.
posted by GuyZero at 1:13 PM on August 21, 2018 [26 favorites]

The confidence with which she makes this assertion is breathtaking.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 1:13 PM on August 21, 2018 [6 favorites]

[Ed.: as fuck]
posted by uncleozzy at 1:14 PM on August 21, 2018 [19 favorites]

Balls-last dippers have got to be the same lunatics who stand to wipe.

Wipe? Like a neanderthal? Get a Washlet.
posted by Definitely Not Sean Spicer at 1:14 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

It's possible I could enter a bathtub like that, but first I'd have to be possessed by the demon king Pazuzu.
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:16 PM on August 21, 2018 [24 favorites]

This was the post I needed at the end of a long work day.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:16 PM on August 21, 2018

Bathing is not a journey to the tub
With the intention of
entering quickly from the feet upwards
to submerge the body,
But rather to crawl in sideways,
bottoms up,
scrotum totally exposed,
And loudly proclaiming,

OW!!!! My Balls!
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:18 PM on August 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

Headline makes no sense. Only way to make balls hit last is to put your legs together (opposite of manspreading, for the obvious reason), go in back first, and arch your back.

Why you'd want to do either I have no idea.
posted by clawsoon at 1:23 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I see the article has that covered. Apologies.
posted by clawsoon at 1:24 PM on August 21, 2018 [5 favorites]

I make sure my balls hit the water first, which is not easy let me tell you.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 1:27 PM on August 21, 2018 [32 favorites]

I don't understand why any of this article exists. It's like a conceptual Moebius strip where baffling stupidity seamlessly turns into enlightened inquiry and back again with no obvious inflection points to be found.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:28 PM on August 21, 2018 [34 favorites]

But, if you're on your hands and knees in the tub, won't your johnson be halfway in the water?
posted by Thorzdad at 1:29 PM on August 21, 2018 [7 favorites]

Betteridge’s Law applies to even the most trivial of headlines, it seems.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:29 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I enter the bath like I enter the room - dramatically!

I leave cringing and whining, though.
posted by nubs at 1:31 PM on August 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

The drawings are the best part of the article.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 1:31 PM on August 21, 2018 [31 favorites]

Bugs Bunny

Headfirst seems like an excellent way to slip and drown.
posted by bryon at 1:33 PM on August 21, 2018

The drawings are the best part of the article.

I 100% agree. Flawless.
posted by stillnocturnal at 1:33 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

"I like to shower first then after a few mins plug the drain so it starts to fill up that way the water does not get gross and filled with pee", Eric said.

I feel like there's a part of this procedure that's been omitted.
posted by entity447b at 1:34 PM on August 21, 2018 [62 favorites]

I never thought about this before, but I now I'll never have a bath without thinking about it.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 1:39 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

I want to say that the premise of this whole article is nuts [sic] because bath water is warm, probably warmer than body temp, and putting your balls into lovely warm bathwater is perfectly pleasant.

A bath is not a 60F outdoor swimming pool.
posted by GuyZero at 1:39 PM on August 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

The drawings are the best part of the article.

Almost. The author's careful attention to include her self-credit each time one of these drawings appears is the best part of the article.
posted by solotoro at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2018 [21 favorites]

The kicker is at the end of the article, where it is revealed that the original poster was using "hands and knees" to describe this: it’s more just getting in then sinking to the knees before slowly lowering in the, ah, merchandise..

Which is...different, but I feel is slightly more understandable than crawling in on hands and knees. Anyways, the issue is getting into cold water, not warm.
posted by nubs at 1:43 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

If your "tub" was sufficiently deep and wide, you could jump in head first, spread-eagled, at just such an angle that your balls entered last. But I don't get the point, as they're still going in no matter what, so if for whatever reason you found it uncomfortable, you're simply delaying the inevitable. You could wear some kind of "ball bubble" that insulated them from the water and its temperature, but then you're never going to have clean balls.
posted by tempestuoso at 1:44 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

It sounds like a lot of people are bathing in water that's at a temperature they find uncomfortable.

I wonder why.
posted by clawsoon at 1:51 PM on August 21, 2018 [5 favorites]

but then you're never going to have clean balls.

*sigh* Story of my life, man.
posted by jackbishop at 1:54 PM on August 21, 2018

Wipe? Like a neanderthal? Get a Washlet.

We are a very clean people and I am scandalized by your slander!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 1:56 PM on August 21, 2018 [34 favorites]

Butt first, always.

Well, feet first, then butt....
posted by Pendragon at 1:57 PM on August 21, 2018

Oh my this is fantastic AF [Ed.: as fuck].
posted by graventy at 1:58 PM on August 21, 2018 [12 favorites]

You could wear some kind of "ball bubble" that insulated them from the water and its temperature

surely there's a kickstarter for this
posted by numaner at 1:59 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Do men enter the bathtub on their hands and knees...

I enter the bathtub on my feet because I’m about to take a shower. (In this hectic decade, who has the time to take a leisurely bath?)
posted by LeLiLo at 2:01 PM on August 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

I have never thought about the water being too hot for my balls before today. If it's going to be too hot, it's going to be too hot for my feet waaaaaay before that, so I make the necessary water temperature adjustments before I step into the tub.

Then after I get in I just, like, sit down.

And if I need to make the water hotter after I get in, well, I do that.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 2:03 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

Wipe? Like a neanderthal? Get a Washlet.

With all honesty, I've wanted to for years but the savages who built my current rental house put *zero* power outlets in the master bathroom. It is utterly insane.
posted by FatherDagon at 2:05 PM on August 21, 2018

butts lol!
posted by Melismata at 2:06 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

You could wear some kind of "ball bubble" that insulated them from the water and its temperature

We don't talk about the lower ballcaps in polite company.
posted by bonehead at 2:09 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Pendragon: Butt first, always.

Butt first always, indeed.
posted by mhum at 2:10 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

It sounds like a lot of people are bathing in water that's at a temperature they find uncomfortable.

Also, the balls are pretty...self-regulating as regards changes in external temperatures? They are homeostatic as fuck.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:11 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm going to be on the lookout for people at public hot tubs entering like this. It'll be like seeing a unicorn.
posted by The_Vegetables at 2:11 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I make sure my balls hit the water first, which is not easy let me tell you.

If my early twenties’ visits to the local nudist swimming hole are any indication, give it a few decades and you’ll have a much easier time of it.
posted by romakimmy at 2:13 PM on August 21, 2018 [11 favorites]

Does the chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
posted by Wylie Kyoto at 2:13 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

Balls first. I sling them over the edge and then the rest of me sorta just seeps into the tub.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:15 PM on August 21, 2018 [25 favorites]

Re: washlets: the savages who built my current rental house put *zero* power outlets in the master bathroom

Not sure why you'd need one; they work fine with cold water. Yeah, it's a bit startling/bracing at first, but tbh it's something I got used to pretty quickly. It's still a lot nicer than wiping.
posted by Aleyn at 2:21 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Not in the mood to deal with the rest of the gender bullshit in this article. Suggestion: maybe the baby has (or had) diaper rash?
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 2:23 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

This is fantastic.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:34 PM on August 21, 2018

With all honesty, I've wanted to for years but the savages who built my current rental house put *zero* power outlets in the master bathroom. It is utterly insane.

There's these people you pay who come put outlets in like magic. Not only will you have a warm seat for your ass when you go to the bathroom, you'll be putting money into your local economy!
posted by Definitely Not Sean Spicer at 2:41 PM on August 21, 2018

Thorzdad: But, if you're on your hands and knees in the tub, won't your johnson be halfway in the water??

[crass joke elided but alluded to]

Favorite quote, out of so many good ones: "Any men crawling into a bath tub are doing it with a different agenda than discomfort"
posted by hanov3r at 2:47 PM on August 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

“the scrotal skin is no more sensitive than skin anywhere and the testes are not particularly sensitive to temperature” - a urologist who’s never waded into a cold pool during his childhood.
posted by midmarch snowman at 2:48 PM on August 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

I just realized that I think about my penis, scrotum and testicles a lot in the shower, but almost never in the bath. If I think about my junk in the bath something very good is happening or something very bad is happening.
posted by poe at 2:49 PM on August 21, 2018 [9 favorites]

I just realized that I think about my penis, scrotum and testicles a lot in the shower, but almost never in the bath. If I think about my junk in the bath something very good is happening or something very bad is happening.
posted by poe at 2:49 PM on August 21 [+] [!]

I did not read that as pOe at first glance, and it was kinda eponysterical.
posted by hanov3r at 2:50 PM on August 21, 2018

This article strikes me as especially strange because this is probably the least weird thing I have encountered on parenting forums. Go ahead, poke around. I'll wait. My "favorite" bits are the long .sigs which include a geek-code style list of all their family members, including "angel babies". Which are... yeah. Someone's misconceptions about their husband's ball-dousing habits seems pretty low down the freaky list.
posted by phooky at 2:51 PM on August 21, 2018 [8 favorites]

I feel like all this floppy maneuvering to get into the bath risks splashing water into your beer.
posted by uncleozzy at 2:59 PM on August 21, 2018 [11 favorites]

But, if you're on your hands and knees in the tub, won't your johnson be halfway in the water?

Mine'd be coiled up like a garden hose, but your mileage may vary.
posted by The Tensor at 3:08 PM on August 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

Truly the best of the web
posted by sunset in snow country at 3:23 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

the illustrations are the finest works of art i have ever in life beheld and i salute them
posted by poffin boffin at 3:23 PM on August 21, 2018 [7 favorites]

I just wrap it around my waist a few times, kinda like a belt.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:23 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

...hangle in the water!
posted by lazaruslong at 3:24 PM on August 21, 2018

and obviously all men enter baths in the wheel yoga position and submerge everything but their junk which periscopes above the surface of the water in constant vigilance for aquatic enemies
posted by poffin boffin at 3:25 PM on August 21, 2018 [22 favorites]

Also, the balls are pretty...self-regulating as regards changes in external temperatures?

the cartoon balls i am imagining to illustrate this well-known ball activity is accompanied by the ascending/descending whistle from deeee-lite's groove is in the heart
posted by poffin boffin at 3:32 PM on August 21, 2018 [25 favorites]

Some people juggle geese (in the bath).
posted by tobascodagama at 3:39 PM on August 21, 2018

That is the best parody of mansplaining I have ever seen.
posted by TedW at 3:45 PM on August 21, 2018 [5 favorites]

What Would Tanuki Do?
posted by mannequito at 4:22 PM on August 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

MetaFilter: you're never going to have clean balls.
posted by Wordshore at 4:25 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

What Would Tanuki Do?

Not an issue because the balls are the bath. There's a Studio Ghibli documentary on the topic.
posted by betweenthebars at 4:31 PM on August 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

As God is my witness, my actual response on reading that question was the same as this baby's.  I even squinched up my face as I said it out loud.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 4:36 PM on August 21, 2018

And people wonder* why advanced civilisations haven't contacted us.

*No-one actually wonders.
posted by nfalkner at 4:54 PM on August 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

In all that I have bathèd—in the glow
of morning sun, in fragrances there left;
in sweet cantations whispered in my ear;
in soft carnations of my lover's breast;
in love's sweet ending, to begin anew—
a quiet passion puts my soul at rest.
And each of these, a moment safe from time,
I keep as close as thou art in my mind.
In each of these I'd bathe again; I'd test
the likeness with the fact. But as my flesh
reveals me, leaves a memory of its own,
it perchance has bathed thee in me, unknown.
   Thus, if thy nose commands me, I'll bathe twice
   in warmer climes that leave my testes nice.
posted by sylvanshine at 4:57 PM on August 21, 2018 [8 favorites]

this well-known ball activity is accompanied by the ascending/descending whistle from deeee-lite's groove is in the heart

*singing magnificently*

Oh-oh I couldn't get in the bathtub...

Put yer nuts in last, oh-oh, put yer nuts in last...
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 5:22 PM on August 21, 2018

Y’ever try to get an unwilling cat into a top loading cat carrier? I think I could do it kind of like that, but inverted.

Alright, pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er. You dial 911 and don’t hit send, I’ll get to the 24 hour notary to amend my will
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:11 PM on August 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

the ascending/descending whistle from deeee-lite's groove is in the heart

Mine have more of a comic slide trombone ambiance to them.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:39 PM on August 21, 2018

It's successful clickbait, I'll give it that.

No- the scrotal skin is no more sensitive than skin anywhere and the testes are not particularly sensitive to temperature

I'm not doubting Dr. David Kaufman of Central Park Urology's medical credentials, but this does not match my lived experience.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:49 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

No- the scrotal skin is no more sensitive than skin anywhere and the testes are not particularly sensitive to temperature

Clearly this person doesn’t have a hand held shower head attachment
posted by disclaimer at 7:08 PM on August 21, 2018

No one gets in on their hands and knees. Your fingers would get wet and you wouldn’t be able to use your phone.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:29 PM on August 21, 2018 [9 favorites]

This is some superb journalism. I laughed, I learned, I was flabbergasted.
posted by Mizu at 7:39 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

I tried to explain to my daughter why I was cackling and she said well why doesn't he put paper towels or a plastic bag around his bits then? like a hairnet?

Now I cannot breathe for laughing.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:41 PM on August 21, 2018 [9 favorites]

This thread made me remember, way back when I was a child, I'd cup my stuff with my hand on the way into a hot bath or cold lake, then gradually release it to have an easier transition.

It must be thirty years since I'd last even thought of that.
posted by traveler_ at 7:48 PM on August 21, 2018

But, if you're on your hands and knees in the tub, won't your johnson be halfway in the water?

#humblebrag
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:05 PM on August 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

Tonight my son asked me, Mom, do you want to see a cool thing I can do with my penis?

It didn't involve getting in the bathtub. True story.
posted by medusa at 8:13 PM on August 21, 2018 [8 favorites]

This whole thing makes no sense. Even if we were to stipulate to the fact that there are a group of people out there bathing in water which is too hot for their balls, why in the world would their solution be to get said balls in the water a second or two before the rest of their body? How would that possibly help? “Oh, this water would have scalded my balls had I not cleverly put my ass in the water first. Now it’s simply delightful”
posted by TheShadowKnows at 8:27 PM on August 21, 2018

Glad the person who wrote the original post chimed back in at the end to clarify what she meant by "on hands and knees." If I tried to get into a bathtub using a hand-and-knee crawl, I would need:

• A bigger bathroom than I've ever had access to, with a bunch of available floor space around the tub, and/or
• A shallow or sunken tub, or some kind of ramp.

Also, I've taken some hot baths in my day, but never so hot that it hurt my privates, in whatever order my body parts were getting wet! It's not like walking into a cold lake, which requires wrapping one's arms around one's freezing tits.

A+++ on the illustrations.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:46 PM on August 21, 2018

(waves Yakko-style) Good night, everybody.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:52 PM on August 21, 2018

I am delighted that the answer is "yes, some men get into the bath in camel pose when it's too hot for their balls."
posted by muddgirl at 9:28 PM on August 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

No, the best part of the the whole thing was when a commenter called it “weird AF” and the auto-acronym-translator-thingy decided the AF meant “Aunt Flo -menstruation/period.”
posted by greermahoney at 10:12 PM on August 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I make sure my balls hit the water first, which is not easy let me tell you.

Easier for some of us than others, it seems.
posted by flabdablet at 11:42 PM on August 21, 2018

This question would make an excellent AskMe megathread.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:15 AM on August 22, 2018 [2 favorites]

I don't know about the rest of you, but I want to know HOW to enter balls first. I rather suspect that feet might claim that honour!!
posted by Burn_IT at 5:42 AM on August 22, 2018

The drawings started me googling, then y'all's comments. Excellent post.
posted by theora55 at 6:58 AM on August 22, 2018 [2 favorites]

I didn't even read the article - just the comments have me crying. Y'all are awesome.
posted by corvikate at 7:34 AM on August 22, 2018 [1 favorite]

This thread made me remember, way back when I was a child, I'd cup my stuff with my hand on the way into a hot bath or cold lake, then gradually release it to have an easier transition. n

Hah! I'm a boob-haver, not a balls-haver, but I instinctively cup my hands over my breasts when entering cold water (e.g. lake/ocean). I usually joke that it's so I don't accidentally stab someone if I fall.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:30 AM on August 22, 2018 [1 favorite]

This is pretty funny but I have to say I was much more squicked out by "dear husband" than anything having to do with bathtime testicle configuration. Is that what you call your husband when you're married to Kim Jong-un? I'm glad we finally found something worse than "hubby."
posted by zeusianfog at 12:05 PM on August 22, 2018

I've always seen the D* acronym expanded as "Darling X". Darling Husband, Darling Daughter, Darling Son. It is an annoying cutesy-ism that anyone who's spent 5 minutes on baby-relayed message boards has been inundated with.
posted by hanov3r at 2:16 PM on August 22, 2018

yeah i think learning that there's very specific jingo on mommy forums is almost as interesting as the thread itself. like i guess people gets tired of saying "my husband" or "my baby" so much that they have to shorten it? but "mh" or "mb" is too weird that they have to say "my dh" or "my lo"?

but i guess ymmv with these boards, and i'm not going to keep bean plating. RTFA for more fun jingo.
posted by numaner at 5:19 PM on August 22, 2018 [1 favorite]

I don't know about the rest of you, but I want to know HOW to enter balls first.

Cannonball. Takes some practice to get the angle just right though.
posted by solotoro at 6:32 PM on August 22, 2018 [1 favorite]

Ah geez, did I miss the balls thread?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:27 PM on August 22, 2018

The drawings started me giggling, then y'all's comments. Sheesh, autocorect..
posted by theora55 at 11:09 PM on August 22, 2018

This is funny to think about, but in that way where suddenly you discover that you do something mundane entirely differently than everyone else. I don't run the bath full and then get into it - that sounds awful.

My bathtime process:

Part the First: step into empty tub. Turn water on to appropriate temperature. While it's cold, rinse foot-gunk down drain. Once it has warmed to temp, commence multi-stage process for preventing water from going away. (Close drain, put drain cover on, put overflow extender on. I'm a big girl; I displace a lot of water.)

Part the second: Now warm water has mostly removed chill from bottom of tub. Sit down, arrange reading materials. Gradually nudge water hotter as my skin adapts. Explain to cat that bath isn't full yet. Pet cat. Ignore tragic silent meows. Pet cat again.

Part the third: Tub is full; turn off water. Attempt to pick up elderly, non-jumping cat to put on edge of tub. Fail. Roll eyes at pathetic silent meows. Explain to cat that if she can't jump (and she can't) then the only way she's getting on the tub is to let me pick her up. Try again. Ignore pained yowl. Watch in amusement as cat enjoys her evening ration of human tea.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:02 AM on August 23, 2018 [6 favorites]

I’m late to the party, but this article brought me joy.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:47 PM on September 2, 2018

You could wear some kind of "ball bubble" that insulated them from the water and its temperature.

Be sure to remove the hamster first, otherwise it might be startled.
posted by arcticseal at 12:40 PM on September 5, 2018 [2 favorites]