The Miracle of the Mundane
September 15, 2018 5:34 AM Subscribe
It takes hard work to say, “This is how I am" | From Heather Havrilesky's upcoming book of essays, "What if this were enough?"
We are living in a time of extreme delusion, disorientation, and dishonesty. At this unparalleled moment of self-consciousness and self-loathing, commercial messages have replaced real connection or faith as our guiding religion. These messages depend on convincing us that we don’t have enough yet, and that everything valuable and extraordinary exists outside of ourselves.
We are called to resist viewing ourselves as consumers or as commodities. We are called to savor the process of our own slow, patient development, instead of suffering in an enervated, anxious state over our value and our popularity. We are called to view our actions as important, with or without consecration by forces beyond our control. We are called to plant these seeds in our world: to dare to tell every living soul that they already matter, that their seemingly mundane lives are a slowly unfolding mystery, that their small choices and acts of generosity are vitally important.
We are living in a time of extreme delusion, disorientation, and dishonesty. At this unparalleled moment of self-consciousness and self-loathing, commercial messages have replaced real connection or faith as our guiding religion. These messages depend on convincing us that we don’t have enough yet, and that everything valuable and extraordinary exists outside of ourselves.
We are called to resist viewing ourselves as consumers or as commodities. We are called to savor the process of our own slow, patient development, instead of suffering in an enervated, anxious state over our value and our popularity. We are called to view our actions as important, with or without consecration by forces beyond our control. We are called to plant these seeds in our world: to dare to tell every living soul that they already matter, that their seemingly mundane lives are a slowly unfolding mystery, that their small choices and acts of generosity are vitally important.
We must reconnect with what it means to be human: fragile, intensely fallible, and constantly humbled. We must believe in and embrace the conflicted nature of humankind. That means that even as we stop trying to live our imaginary, glorious “best lives,” we still have the audacity to believe in our own brilliance and talent and vision — even if that sometimes sounds grandiose, delusional, or unjust. We have to embrace what we already have and be who we already are, but we also have to honor the intensity and romance and longing that batter around inside of our heads and our hearts. We have to honor the richness of our inner lives and the inherent values that are embedded there.
Yes.
I've often struggled to reconcile the part of me that has never known a greater happiness than taking a walk at sunset with my family, and the delusional part of me that would like to make something capital-G Great, someday. This essay reminded me that ultimately, they both represent the joy of deep, sustained engagement with the world. That it's only when one turns away from the purity of work into thoughts of comparison- Is what I make worthwhile? Will it make me famous or rich? Is it as good as what everyone else is doing?- that it becomes a source of anxiety and striving.
I needed that reminder, that there are rewards for deep work besides the status symbols you are extremely unlikely to get. That, in fact, the only rewards worth having are those that aren't won through competition and aggression, but through care and interest and appreciation. That I am happy with my family because I care about and am interested in my family, and I am happy with making art because I care about and am interested in art. And that when I care about and am interested in people around me, they often reward that interest. Thank you for posting.
posted by perplexion at 7:59 AM on September 15, 2018 [14 favorites]
Yes.
I've often struggled to reconcile the part of me that has never known a greater happiness than taking a walk at sunset with my family, and the delusional part of me that would like to make something capital-G Great, someday. This essay reminded me that ultimately, they both represent the joy of deep, sustained engagement with the world. That it's only when one turns away from the purity of work into thoughts of comparison- Is what I make worthwhile? Will it make me famous or rich? Is it as good as what everyone else is doing?- that it becomes a source of anxiety and striving.
I needed that reminder, that there are rewards for deep work besides the status symbols you are extremely unlikely to get. That, in fact, the only rewards worth having are those that aren't won through competition and aggression, but through care and interest and appreciation. That I am happy with my family because I care about and am interested in my family, and I am happy with making art because I care about and am interested in art. And that when I care about and am interested in people around me, they often reward that interest. Thank you for posting.
posted by perplexion at 7:59 AM on September 15, 2018 [14 favorites]
Thank you for sharing this essay.
I have had an interesting experience in being part of a small academic program where 2/3 of the people come from families with wealth and privilege I can't imagine. Despite the class difference, I initially believed we could all be collegial and perhaps friends with one another, as all of us are working towards what is something of a humanistic goal and previous classes have had the same bonhomie I was imagining. Instead, I have found myself perplexed by some of my classmates. I have went to schools with wealthy people before and it was not hard to avoid those that I could not relate to due to the chasm between our realities. Here, we were all floating around in the same space and the self-consciousness and posturing I found in my peers was perplexing. Some of them quickly closed themselves off and became a clique. "They're social-climbers," said my closest friend from this program. "They're all silently sizing people up." "But really?" I said, as this was so far from my experience of the world. "Yes, really," he said, as he had spent more time around this set of people than I have through his previous career and some familial connections.
Selin tells him that most people, the second they meet you, are sizing you up as competition for the same resources. “It was as if everyone lived in fear of a shipwreck, where only so many people would fit on the lifeboat, and they were constantly trying to stake out their property and identify the dispensable people — people they could get rid of.”
“Do you see yourself as one of the dispensable people?” the therapist asks. Selin replies, “The point is, I don’t want to get involved in that question, and it’s all most people want to talk about.” She explains that not many people seem interested in “what you’re like.” They just want to figure out what you’re worth.
I, too, don't want to get involved in that question.
I would like to share this essay amongst the class as we have a class-wide common social platform we use. I would hope maybe some of them would take it to heart, though, even if they read it, I know realistically they will likely not hear the message.
posted by sevenofspades at 9:32 AM on September 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
I have had an interesting experience in being part of a small academic program where 2/3 of the people come from families with wealth and privilege I can't imagine. Despite the class difference, I initially believed we could all be collegial and perhaps friends with one another, as all of us are working towards what is something of a humanistic goal and previous classes have had the same bonhomie I was imagining. Instead, I have found myself perplexed by some of my classmates. I have went to schools with wealthy people before and it was not hard to avoid those that I could not relate to due to the chasm between our realities. Here, we were all floating around in the same space and the self-consciousness and posturing I found in my peers was perplexing. Some of them quickly closed themselves off and became a clique. "They're social-climbers," said my closest friend from this program. "They're all silently sizing people up." "But really?" I said, as this was so far from my experience of the world. "Yes, really," he said, as he had spent more time around this set of people than I have through his previous career and some familial connections.
Selin tells him that most people, the second they meet you, are sizing you up as competition for the same resources. “It was as if everyone lived in fear of a shipwreck, where only so many people would fit on the lifeboat, and they were constantly trying to stake out their property and identify the dispensable people — people they could get rid of.”
“Do you see yourself as one of the dispensable people?” the therapist asks. Selin replies, “The point is, I don’t want to get involved in that question, and it’s all most people want to talk about.” She explains that not many people seem interested in “what you’re like.” They just want to figure out what you’re worth.
I, too, don't want to get involved in that question.
I would like to share this essay amongst the class as we have a class-wide common social platform we use. I would hope maybe some of them would take it to heart, though, even if they read it, I know realistically they will likely not hear the message.
posted by sevenofspades at 9:32 AM on September 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
I’m late to appreciating HH, so this may seem like old news, but holy cow she is so freaking honest all the time. It’s scary.
posted by notyou at 11:59 AM on September 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by notyou at 11:59 AM on September 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
Havrilesky is great. I've been a fan since the halcyon days of suck.com
posted by HillbillyInBC at 3:06 PM on September 15, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by HillbillyInBC at 3:06 PM on September 15, 2018 [8 favorites]
There are some good ideas in this essay, but the example of Mozart is quite misguided, and in fact demonstrates a big hole in the argument.
Leopold "Joe Jackson" Mozart was not some kind of awestruck, nurturing father who was blown away by his son's talent. He was himself a skilled professional musician who relentlessly pushed Wolfgang and Nannerl to excel. Furthermore, like most former child prodigies mentored by overbearing parents, Wolfgang was not "joyful and deeply satisfied". He was cranky and unfulfilled, partly because he was constantly hustling to get work.
Knowing and accepting yourself is only so valuable if you can't make a living by being yourself. This has little to do with societal messaging, and everything to do with the monetary value we place on good art.
(Apologies if this comes across as overly jaded- like many classical musicians, I have a chip on my shoulder about the breathless romanticization of my craft.)
posted by YoloMortemPeccatoris at 4:14 PM on September 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
Leopold "Joe Jackson" Mozart was not some kind of awestruck, nurturing father who was blown away by his son's talent. He was himself a skilled professional musician who relentlessly pushed Wolfgang and Nannerl to excel. Furthermore, like most former child prodigies mentored by overbearing parents, Wolfgang was not "joyful and deeply satisfied". He was cranky and unfulfilled, partly because he was constantly hustling to get work.
Knowing and accepting yourself is only so valuable if you can't make a living by being yourself. This has little to do with societal messaging, and everything to do with the monetary value we place on good art.
(Apologies if this comes across as overly jaded- like many classical musicians, I have a chip on my shoulder about the breathless romanticization of my craft.)
posted by YoloMortemPeccatoris at 4:14 PM on September 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
Parts of this lovely essay remind me of a Jesuit prayer:
"We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
"We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
"We lay foundations that will need further development.
"We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
"We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that...
We are prophets of a future not our own."
I appreciate her emphasis on process, and on loving the doing...and I am very much struggling with the worth of the work I do. My literal garden, the one intended to produce a year's supply of salsa, red sauce, soup, and other canned goods, was a failure this year. Each step was a struggle--from cats eating seedlings, to the week-long effort to get help bringing plant cages down from the barn, to my husband blowing off his promise to tie the peppers to stakes, to the relentless rain and my kids' refusal to help with picking or processing. The process should be a joy. It is not. Culture jamming (she types, sticky with this evening's round of making blueberry syrup and strawberry syrup) loses its hope when the people around you shrug at it, because it is easier for them to go buy eggs rather than retrieve them fresh every day, put them in a box, and put the box in the fridge. This is a thing that has happened. The project is failing. The work is failing. I have damn near lost hope that my kids will learn anything from me because of their concerted effort to ignore most of what I say, and much of what I live. Just lately, the mundane is a millstone, and the connection to the authentic is not saving me.
I made hot sauce with grown-from-seed Carolina Reaper peppers, and posted the picture to social media. What made me happy? Not the likes. The acquaintance from high school who asked for a jar. I can live, mostly, "without consecration by forces beyond our control," but it sure made a hell of a difference to me to have one person, just one, say I see what you're doing, it's cool, can I share in it with you?
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:37 PM on September 15, 2018 [16 favorites]
"We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
"We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
"We lay foundations that will need further development.
"We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
"We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that...
We are prophets of a future not our own."
I appreciate her emphasis on process, and on loving the doing...and I am very much struggling with the worth of the work I do. My literal garden, the one intended to produce a year's supply of salsa, red sauce, soup, and other canned goods, was a failure this year. Each step was a struggle--from cats eating seedlings, to the week-long effort to get help bringing plant cages down from the barn, to my husband blowing off his promise to tie the peppers to stakes, to the relentless rain and my kids' refusal to help with picking or processing. The process should be a joy. It is not. Culture jamming (she types, sticky with this evening's round of making blueberry syrup and strawberry syrup) loses its hope when the people around you shrug at it, because it is easier for them to go buy eggs rather than retrieve them fresh every day, put them in a box, and put the box in the fridge. This is a thing that has happened. The project is failing. The work is failing. I have damn near lost hope that my kids will learn anything from me because of their concerted effort to ignore most of what I say, and much of what I live. Just lately, the mundane is a millstone, and the connection to the authentic is not saving me.
I made hot sauce with grown-from-seed Carolina Reaper peppers, and posted the picture to social media. What made me happy? Not the likes. The acquaintance from high school who asked for a jar. I can live, mostly, "without consecration by forces beyond our control," but it sure made a hell of a difference to me to have one person, just one, say I see what you're doing, it's cool, can I share in it with you?
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:37 PM on September 15, 2018 [16 favorites]
I have damn near lost hope that my kids will learn anything from me because of their concerted effort to ignore most of what I say, and much of what I live.
MonkeyToes, hang in there sweetie!
I could have writen that exact same sentence 25+ years ago. My kids are in their 30s-40s. They say Mom, you taught me how to work. Mom, you gave me a moral compass. They're not perfect, but, damn, they're nice people to be around. Keep trudging. It's a hard slog, but worthwhile.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:52 PM on September 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
MonkeyToes, hang in there sweetie!
I could have writen that exact same sentence 25+ years ago. My kids are in their 30s-40s. They say Mom, you taught me how to work. Mom, you gave me a moral compass. They're not perfect, but, damn, they're nice people to be around. Keep trudging. It's a hard slog, but worthwhile.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:52 PM on September 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
I want to get a hoodie which instead of Killlmonger says "Emile Durkheim was right"
posted by fullerine at 1:28 AM on September 16, 2018
posted by fullerine at 1:28 AM on September 16, 2018
MonkeyToes,
I am so sorry this year's garden was such a struggle. I see what you're doing, it's wonderful, and if you don't mind, I will share it in with you by thinking of you as I walk around and see the trees growing and changing and getting ready for winter, and by thinking about hard years followed by years of bounty.
I wish you rest and restoration this weekend, and I thank you for all the seeds you have planted, here on MetaFilter and there in your garden, and your family, and your other communities.
posted by kristi at 4:16 PM on September 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
I am so sorry this year's garden was such a struggle. I see what you're doing, it's wonderful, and if you don't mind, I will share it in with you by thinking of you as I walk around and see the trees growing and changing and getting ready for winter, and by thinking about hard years followed by years of bounty.
I wish you rest and restoration this weekend, and I thank you for all the seeds you have planted, here on MetaFilter and there in your garden, and your family, and your other communities.
posted by kristi at 4:16 PM on September 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
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