A little-discussed but important commonality
October 31, 2018 11:07 AM   Subscribe

All humans share a long list of qualities in common, for example: a body, opinions, the need for sleep, and so on. Out of all these shared attributes, there’s one that’s rarely talked about, even though most of us will experience or witness it just about daily -- Shame. Partly because the definition in most dictionaries is wrong.

Even the word “shame” is triggering for most of us. Looking at a better definition, rather than the word itself, there’s an almost anti-climactic recognition of “Well, sure.”:-

Shame = the interruption of positive affect
Expanded: The unpleasant signal that good things have been stopped. Because it’s uncomfortable to experience, we disguise and defend against awareness of it. We develop shame about having shame and seek to hide it from ourselves and others.

This definition comes from Vernon Kelly (among others who study affect psychology).

Vernon Kelly’s earlier book explores the issue of shame and how to address it in relationships and our culture. His book, The Art of Intimacy and the Hidden Challenge of Shame describes the Shame Compass, which contains the 4 main dysfunctional responses to the discomfort of shame:
…1) attacking others
…2) attacking one’s self
…3) withdrawing (isolating, “hiding”)
…4) avoiding (denial, distraction through over-pursuit of other things)

He goes on to discuss healthier ways for people to deal with their shame, especially within a couple relationship.

I’ve just started reading his latest co-written book, The Upside of Shame. (Shrink Rap Radio podcast about it)

In a similar vein, Brene Brown has also recently come out with a version of three common “shame shields” we use to try to protect ourselves from feelings shame, and resilience skills by identifying shame triggers, developing critical awareness, reaching out, and speaking shame.

To what extent do you think shame is still a taboo subject or just one that we aren’t informed enough to effectively deal with it? How much does shame underlie the widespread reluctance to address the hostile, intolerant, toxic, behavior around us?
posted by dancing leaves (0 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey there, sorry, the framing of this post (with discussion prompts etc) isn't really suitable for a post on Metafilter proper. Mefi posts should be framed around a cool thing on the web. If you want to discuss the book, you can post on Fanfare and see if anyone's reading it over there. -- LobsterMitten



 

« Older Hundreds of witches pick paddles over broomsticks   |   Don’t kiss your birds Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments