Homeland security loophole discovered in 1999:

June 11, 2002 10:09 PM

Homeland security loophole discovered in 1999: "In the Appalachians of West Virginia, the sun was going down and I was stuck for a place to stay.   I knocked on the door of a private farm house.  Three college-age girls were in the middle of an LSD trip.  They recognized me as Art Garfunkel.  I learned that they were three of thousands (millions?) who are "invisible" - pay no taxes, avoid the census taker; they are not on America's books."
posted by subpixel (35 comments total)

Um. What? I'm failing to see how this is a homeland security loophole. Also that little blurb is all there is. Talk about getting excited about reading a whole article on this experience and only getting that. Art you disappoint.
posted by geoff. at 10:22 PM on June 11, 2002

The Amish don't have to pay taxes, either. Nobody needs to keep track of them. Also, I don't think many terrorists will be hiding out in the hills of West Virginia.

Btw, that was a sparse link.
posted by insomnyuk at 10:25 PM on June 11, 2002

Oh.
Like, the guy quoted actually is Art Garfunkel.
That makes it a whole lot less funny.
posted by Catch at 10:43 PM on June 11, 2002

Art you disappoint.

No kidding--what a flaccid read. Call that next album Bland on Bland, Artie buddy.
posted by y2karl at 10:48 PM on June 11, 2002

Q. Besides singing and writing, do you have any other creative outlets (e.g. photography, painting, drawing) that you enjoy?

A. Acting, parenting, teaching, lovemaking.

Ugh, thanks for sharing, Art.
posted by billder at 10:56 PM on June 11, 2002

I knocked on the door of a private farm house. Three college-age girls were in the middle of an LSD trip. They recognized me as Art Garfunkel.

Art Garfunkel's letters to Penthouse.
posted by crunchburger at 11:08 PM on June 11, 2002

It would have been cooler if they recognized him as Christopher Walken. Then again, it would have been cooler if he was Christopher Walken.
posted by y2karl at 12:09 AM on June 12, 2002

OK, here's the unexpurgated version.

In the Appalachians of West Virginia, the sun was going down and I was stuck for a place to stay. I had already walked past a Red Roof Inn and a Motel 6, but couldn't find any college-age girls. I knocked on the door of a private farm house. I said, "Hi, I'm Art Garfunkel. Can I sleep here?" He said, "Yep, but you'll have to stay out in the barn with my daughters. I walked out to the barn. Three college-age girls were in the middle of an LSD trip. Score! I said, "Hi, I'm Art Garfunkel. Are you college-aged?" After a half-hour of giggling, they eventually recognized me as Art Garfunkel. I learned that they were three of thousands (millions?) who are "invisible" - pay no taxes, avoid the census taker; they are not on America's books. Or at least that's what they told me while on LSD. "Dude," the brunette giggled, "you can't see me. I'm invisible. What happened to your fro?"
posted by billder at 12:35 AM on June 12, 2002

"Three college-age girls [that] are not on America's books."

Notice they weren't actually college girls, just about that age -- whatever it is in the US, late teens presumably. See, if they actually want to go to college, or buy a car, or buy a plane ticket, they're going to need to be on someone's books.

"Blanks" aren't a lot of trouble. To keep that low a profile you pretty much exclude yourself from everything. To be part of the larger society you're going to need at least a false identity with some papers.

Heck, I don't have a driver's licence and I can't trade in some crappy old golf clubs at a pawnbroker. I had to let some salesdrone copy down my credit card and job network numbers just to receive a Western Union money order.
posted by krisjohn at 12:36 AM on June 12, 2002

WORST. METAFILTER. LINK. EVER.
posted by milnak at 1:18 AM on June 12, 2002

"Dude," the brunette giggled, "you can't see me. I'm invisible. What happened to your fro?"

BEST. QUOTE. EVER.
posted by shinybeast at 2:17 AM on June 12, 2002

Call that next album Bland on Bland, Artie buddy

Bridge Over Stagnant Water
posted by vbfg at 4:59 AM on June 12, 2002

Art Garfunkel is such an easy target, for that reason alone I love this lame fucking link. Hope you all caught this "news item" on the "news" page:

Art will be changing his set list to include several songs from his solo career that he has not performed in a long time.

Gasp! Also, for those who don't know about Art's Walk Across America, he set out around 1985 to, well, WAA....in spurts. In other words, he would walk for a day or two, and chopper back home to the Upper East Side in time for cocktails. I still have the NYT clipping from the period, it's hilarious. I love the image of this pale guy with a Walkman clapped on his big Afro, sauntering through some pitiful town's worn out business district, jotting down his delightful "bits" in his notebook while a Town Car creeps along behind him, stocked with Evian and Michael Franks cassettes.

How have the press and Art Garfunkel's fans treated him during his walk?

"I was left almost totally alone."
posted by luser at 5:16 AM on June 12, 2002

stocked with Evian and Michael Franks cassettes.

Wow - I actually heard a Michael Franks song on the radio last Sunday.

*...cue "Twilight Zone" theme...*
posted by davidmsc at 5:20 AM on June 12, 2002

Well, the total absence of Garfunkel defenders would indicate we can all agree on something now and then...

Group hugs all around--Break out the champagne!
posted by y2karl at 5:58 AM on June 12, 2002

I've always wondered what would have happened to the famous duo if Artie had a more typical last name. Simon & Goldberg. They could have been dentists.
posted by groundhog at 6:36 AM on June 12, 2002

If this is a homeland security issue, how's an off-the-books American going to foment terror without renting a car, getting a driver's license, buying a plane ticket, or doing any of the 1,000 other things that would put the person on the books? The 9/11 hijackers left a paper trail behind. We just didn't notice it.

(However, if the next terrorist comes from Appalachia, I look forward to the attempts by Chomsky and others to show how it was an inevitable consequence of U.S. policy in the region.)
posted by rcade at 6:37 AM on June 12, 2002

wtf
posted by MaddCutty at 6:40 AM on June 12, 2002

Let's see -- high poverty level, check; plenty of wilderness to hide in, check; access to mining explosives, check... you may be onto something there, rcade.
posted by ook at 7:18 AM on June 12, 2002

Well, the total absence of Garfunkel defenders would indicate we can all agree on something now and then...

My old roomate cracked me up with his description of Simon and Garfunkle. His girlfriend asked who did what.

"Paul Simon wrote the words. And the music. And played the guitar. And sang lead."

"What did Garfunkle do?"

"Um. He sang along in falsetto."
posted by straight at 7:28 AM on June 12, 2002

"My uncle had a falsetto teeth" -- Chico Marx
posted by Faze at 8:14 AM on June 12, 2002

Yeah, I hardly think the hillbillies of the Appalachians are our biggest concern...unless of course you happen to wander up there and don't find stoned young women, but find young gentlemen who'd like you to squeal like a pig for 'em. :)

I just pulled out the Best of Simon and Garfunkel CD to check...and sure enough, Paul Simon wrote all the songs. I had no idea. Weird. Still, the two of them created music that evokes a mood and a nostalgia that neither of them ever captured solo...at least for me...maybe it's just the memory of my mom and dad singing and dancing to the records. (Silly happy hippies that they were. :)

On preview...the spell checker wants to change Garfunkel to Drunkenly...that's just funny.
posted by dejah420 at 8:29 AM on June 12, 2002

Methinks Appalachian hillbillies wouldn't take a cotton to strangers "talkin' in some kinda' furrin' language". Terrorists (as I found out whilst reading "Them, Adventures with Extremists") would be more accepted with militia/tax evading/anti-Bilberberger/reptilian-fearing folks that seem to dot the countryside out West.

For some reason, the idea of Mohammed Attah (as in Atta-boy) being told to "squeal like a pig" is deliciously funny.

Cue "Dueling Banjoes"
posted by sharksandwich at 9:15 AM on June 12, 2002

Err, "Banjos" that is
posted by sharksandwich at 9:16 AM on June 12, 2002

Thanks for the pot shots at my part of the world guys. I love coming to Metafilter to see my home in Appalachia completely misrepresented.

The fact that Garfunkle found three girls tripping in a farmhouse (you know, like young people do all over the country) is sure proof that he actually went to Appalachia, instead of sitting back at his keyboard firing off tired Deliverence references. Nobody in West Virginia "takes a cotton" to anything - cotton doesn't grow in the mountains, stupid.

As for Appalachia being a hotbed of national security threats, you're right that Mohammad Atta would have a tough time blending in. Nevertheless, radical abortion opponents have built a commune on an "off the grid" Y2K refuge, and are regrouping for further violent protests. I'd be quite happy to defend my homeland against those assholes.
posted by junkbox at 9:49 AM on June 12, 2002

Nicely put, junkbox.

/cheerleader comment
posted by Karl at 9:58 AM on June 12, 2002

I was only mocking Art, not Appalachia. Sorry if read otherwise.
posted by billder at 10:56 AM on June 12, 2002

Junkbox:

You're clever, how ever did you guess I'm not in Appalachia, but at a keyboard? You have me pegged! I've never left my home and seen the rest of the United States (or the world) for that matter. I've never driven through rural Kentucky (seeing people shooting at their own home for fun), or Arkansas, or been told to "cut my long faggot hair" in Virginia. I've got to get out more.
(end sarcasm)

Really though, the Deliverance reference IS tired, I apologize. The "take a cotton" phrase is just that, a phrase I use all of the time. Nothing to do with Virginia.

I spent 18 years in rural Wisconsin, and I know firsthand the strangeness and closed ways of many rural folk. I've been to the Appalachian, and I've seen the same, if not worse. There's nothing wrong with this, of course, but that's just the way it is.
posted by sharksandwich at 11:01 AM on June 12, 2002

Appalachian hillbillies

So, it's not ok to generalize and refer to Mexicans as "wetbacks," or call Italiens "wops" or Jews "kikes," but it's ok to call all of us from the mountains "hillbillies." Like, we all sit up on our front porches barefoot in overalls, shooting at our dogs and our front porches and waiting for the 'shine to finish running up in the holler.

I'm sorry you had some jerk tell you to "cut your faggot hair," but we're not all like that and it doesn't give you the right to throw a slur around like it's funny. There are "hillbillies" at Metfilter too.
posted by junkbox at 12:13 PM on June 12, 2002

Heads would indeed roll if some of these folks applied such sloppy generalizations to other minorities. "Hillbilly" is not a particularly fashionable minority, however.
posted by Karl at 12:30 PM on June 12, 2002

Italiens? Is that some kind of slur, insinuating that all Italians are somehow aliens.... hmm...
posted by insomnyuk at 12:39 PM on June 12, 2002

OK, now this is getting odd. I did not once call all Appalachians hillbillies, just the ones that are! I stand by my assertion that I believe these folks would be less friendly towards strangers,( let alone foreigners).

Websters lists hillbilly as such:

Main Entry: hillábilály
Pronunciation: 'hil-"bi-lE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -lies
Etymology: 1hill + Billy, nickname for William
Date: 1900
: a person from a backwoods area

If you look up "wop", "wetback", and "kike"; they are defined as being commonly offensive or disparaging terms, (as they should). Seems a little different than a term denoting where a person lives geographically.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but there ARE hillbillies in the Appalachians. I stand by it! I personally know hillbillies, and they're proud of it. They call me a city slicker. I could care less, because its true. I live in a city. Perhaps I should be offended?
posted by sharksandwich at 12:42 PM on June 12, 2002

Ok guys, jeez, calm down. And for the record, when backpacking thought the appalachians, the kindly folks I met there did call themselves "Hillbillies" and were proud of it, just as you'll find Texans who are proud of being "rednecks"...a term I've seen tossed around on this board a lot. :) My cousins in West Virginia call themselves hillbillies, their friends call themselves hillbillies...I had no idea y'all would get so fired up about it. I thought it was pretty common and not derogatory, to hear everyone around there speak of it. (Keep in mind that those people have been up in the hills since about the Revolution and are damn proud of their "hillbilly" status.)

But, please, feel free to heap on Texans some more...apparently we're the only state it's ok to say things about. :) Golly.
posted by dejah420 at 12:47 PM on June 12, 2002

Nobody in West Virginia "takes a cotton" to anything - cotton doesn't grow in the mountains, stupid.

Slow down, Jethro. "Take a cotton" is an expression that's similar to "take a liking." He wasn't accusing your barefooted inbred brethren of physically carrying cotton around.

I don't understand people who get all "Anti-Defamation League of Billy-Bob" when a term like redneck, hillbilly or cracker is used. Everybody seems to want to claim a place as a member of a victimized group: "Look at me -- I'm aggrieved! Where are my college scholarships?"

As a native Texan, I'm glad there are still a few slurs that can be used in polite company to make us the butt of regional humor. And if you don't believe me, you can ask my sister-wife.
posted by rcade at 1:07 PM on June 12, 2002

"And hillibillies would like to be called Sons of the Soil...but it ain't gonna happen." - Dr. Julius Hibbert
posted by davidmsc at 8:56 AM on June 13, 2002