I have always preferred things that work in spite of themselves
December 11, 2018 7:15 AM Subscribe
"That had been when he knew that their marriage was over. It was the day he realized the reason that he did certain things for his wife of seventeen years had slowly turned from enjoying the look of joy on her face to preventing the look of disappointment that seemed to be her new default condition."
Well that, and eggs. It's always about eggs in the end. Or toast, maybe. I'm not sure.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 7:28 AM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
Well that, and eggs. It's always about eggs in the end. Or toast, maybe. I'm not sure.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 7:28 AM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
This is super great, how it makes leaving a marriage into a formula, but also doesn't. Mine was more like hard boiling an egg. Don't leave it in too long or it'll explode and get all over your walls and ceilings. Also that weird green layer around the yolk.
posted by wellred at 7:29 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by wellred at 7:29 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
Coincidentally, I have a friend who recently ended her marriage and also recently taught me a foolproof egg-poaching method, although I don't know if the two things are connected.
(Her method is to boil water in a frying pan, crack the eggs into it, carry on boiling for one minute, then turn the heat off, cover it and it leave it for 5 minutes. Then fish them out. No vinegar, no swirling. Works every time.)
posted by Mocata at 7:33 AM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
(Her method is to boil water in a frying pan, crack the eggs into it, carry on boiling for one minute, then turn the heat off, cover it and it leave it for 5 minutes. Then fish them out. No vinegar, no swirling. Works every time.)
posted by Mocata at 7:33 AM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
Now I'm suddenly paranoid that my wife secretly wants to leave me. Or thinks about other men while we have sex.
posted by slogger at 7:35 AM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by slogger at 7:35 AM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
The conceit is executed well (maybe sagging a bit under its own weight at the end), but what an interesting content strategy for a recipe collection website!
posted by notyou at 7:49 AM on December 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by notyou at 7:49 AM on December 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
"But you want what you want, and desire so often feels like a punishment, especially if you’re a woman."
Thats a punch directly in my FEELS.
posted by Faintdreams at 7:49 AM on December 11, 2018 [32 favorites]
Thats a punch directly in my FEELS.
posted by Faintdreams at 7:49 AM on December 11, 2018 [32 favorites]
My sister tells me that she decided to get a divorce when -- home alone one day -- she burned some toast.
posted by Mogur at 7:58 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Mogur at 7:58 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
That's for sure, Faintdreams. A woman's desire, unless it directly serves the interests of society, is a threat to the natural order. I don't think I knew how deeply I had internalized this until recently.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:00 AM on December 11, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 8:00 AM on December 11, 2018 [19 favorites]
While he still cooked and cared for me there was something both rebellious and shameful in this very small act of cooking and caring for myself. I never told him about a lot of things—how tired of being alone I was when we met, how I knew that taking refuge in another person is a selfish thing to do, how I thought about other people when we had sex. The big thing we didn’t have in common, besides the fact that he was in love and I was not, was that he had an analytical bent, whereas I enjoyed not knowing how everything works. Or, rather, I have always preferred things that work in spite of themselves to those that make sense on paper. This was a secret I had been keeping from myself.
Seems a little casually cruel and selfish to publish these details about an apparently loving ex-spouse and not make it anonymous.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:02 AM on December 11, 2018 [52 favorites]
Seems a little casually cruel and selfish to publish these details about an apparently loving ex-spouse and not make it anonymous.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:02 AM on December 11, 2018 [52 favorites]
I actually think that the spouse comes off very well, like a good man who was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I were younger, I would condemn the writer for being selfish and shallow, but I know now that you can't return someone's love simply because they deserve it.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:08 AM on December 11, 2018 [58 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 8:08 AM on December 11, 2018 [58 favorites]
It reads to me like a softer shorter version of that horrible Sandra Tsing Loh article, so maybe I'm overreacting.
The author comes across to me as callow and still lacking in self-awareness.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:08 AM on December 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
The author comes across to me as callow and still lacking in self-awareness.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:08 AM on December 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
I actually think that the spouse comes off very well, like a good man who was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I agree, but that doesn't make it any less cruel to him, to the extent that matters. And that's not snark -- I really mean that there is some question in my mind about whether that matters.
posted by The Bellman at 8:11 AM on December 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
I agree, but that doesn't make it any less cruel to him, to the extent that matters. And that's not snark -- I really mean that there is some question in my mind about whether that matters.
posted by The Bellman at 8:11 AM on December 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
I can't say much about leaving a marriage, mine is quite stable so far as I'm aware, but I've found that as with so much else in cookery Kenji is right and when poaching eggs, cracking into a fine mesh strainer and letting the more liquid part of the white drain away helps avoid floaty tentacle bits.
I've also found that Hollandaise sauce is dead simple when made with a stick blender, again Kenji's way, and I must exercise extreme self control to avoid dying of a heart attack now.
But eggs Benedict are so good, and while I can't say they saved my marriage, having them a few times a year certainly doesn't hurt anything...
posted by sotonohito at 8:11 AM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
I've also found that Hollandaise sauce is dead simple when made with a stick blender, again Kenji's way, and I must exercise extreme self control to avoid dying of a heart attack now.
But eggs Benedict are so good, and while I can't say they saved my marriage, having them a few times a year certainly doesn't hurt anything...
posted by sotonohito at 8:11 AM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
I have sincere question: Who is Brandy Jensen? I noticed she started getting retweeted on my feed a couple of years ago and quite a bit since. I think I may have even followed her for a while. She's good at the tweets. Was she well-known before Twitter? is she one of those people that just became poplar via Twitter and then got writing gigs? She's got 100K followers and her Twitter bio doesn't, um, really say too much.
As for the article, I like how she treats the whole thing as a failure of marriage, rather than her husband being some sort of bad guy. Some things just should never have been.
Also, why would you take something you can fry in butter and, I guess steam it in water? Are you not a fan of flavor? Is that part of the metaphor?
posted by bondcliff at 8:18 AM on December 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
As for the article, I like how she treats the whole thing as a failure of marriage, rather than her husband being some sort of bad guy. Some things just should never have been.
Also, why would you take something you can fry in butter and, I guess steam it in water? Are you not a fan of flavor? Is that part of the metaphor?
posted by bondcliff at 8:18 AM on December 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
158 degrees F, 21min. Sous vide. They come out of the shell perfectly cooked very single time.
posted by Chrischris at 8:24 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Chrischris at 8:24 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
It is an interesting glimpse of how you might start doing random things differently, but secretly, when you are thinking of leaving your spouse. Eating something they are allergic to when they aren't around. Listening to music they dislike. Going to places they would never go. But most critically, never telling them about any of it. You start to construct your divorced life before you actually divorce, mostly by just not telling the other person things.
It means you've already given up on making them understand you, on sharing your real thoughts, because they would only bring pain, or another fight, or baffled incomprehension, or indifference. It just gets too hard. You're thinking already about the exits, about the life outside the relationship and what that could be.
posted by emjaybee at 8:31 AM on December 11, 2018 [79 favorites]
It means you've already given up on making them understand you, on sharing your real thoughts, because they would only bring pain, or another fight, or baffled incomprehension, or indifference. It just gets too hard. You're thinking already about the exits, about the life outside the relationship and what that could be.
posted by emjaybee at 8:31 AM on December 11, 2018 [79 favorites]
158 degrees F, 21min. Sous vide. They come out of the shell perfectly cooked very single time.
That is not a poached egg. That is an expensive boiled egg that you have waited far too long for. Consider divorce.
posted by prismatic7 at 8:38 AM on December 11, 2018 [56 favorites]
slogger: Now I'm suddenly paranoid that my wife secretly wants to leave me. Or thinks about other men while we have sex.
Has she been poaching a lot of eggs lately?
posted by clawsoon at 8:42 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
Has she been poaching a lot of eggs lately?
posted by clawsoon at 8:42 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have sincere question: Who is Brandy Jensen?
Nora Ephron's ghost, I have to think. This is very much like Heartburn.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 8:45 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Nora Ephron's ghost, I have to think. This is very much like Heartburn.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 8:45 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
My wife likes poached eggs. She figured out a method for making them that she likes. She taught it to me so that I can make them for her when I make eggs for breakfast, because I prefer mine scrambled. I insist on making my own eggs because my wife overcooks the hell out of scrambled eggs - she starts them first, then while they are having every shred of moisture baked out of them on the pan, she goes about making the tea and the toast and setting the table. And it's like, no, the trick to scrambled eggs is keeping them moist - they are the last thing to do so you can remove them from the pan while they are both hot and still moist. If my timing is perfect, they are ready right when the toast pops, and all I have to do is put everything on the plate and sit down at the table which is already set. I'm happy we've come to this accommodation around our egg preferences, because eggs don't seem like an important thing, but they somehow are - tricky to get just right, kind of like a marriage or any serious relationship.
posted by nubs at 8:46 AM on December 11, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by nubs at 8:46 AM on December 11, 2018 [15 favorites]
This extremely personal essay seems a bit of an odd fit on a website subsection which mostly consists of articles like "Is This the World's Most Instagrammable Cocktail?" and "Sour Patch Kids Cereal Is the Weirdest Cereal of the Year."
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:57 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:57 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
How do eggs steamed in a little cup differ in taste/texture from a poached egg? I have one of those things at work and it's a quick/easy way to make an egg in an office environment that leaves almost no cleanup to do, but it tastes kind of like a boiled egg without as hell. Still, not having had a "real" poached egg in I don't know how long, I'm not sure how they compare. Also, not sure what would be the benefit of a poached egg on toast over a gently fried egg on toast.
posted by skewed at 9:02 AM on December 11, 2018
posted by skewed at 9:02 AM on December 11, 2018
My sister tells me that she decided to get a divorce when -- home alone one day -- she burned some toast.
Obviously that story has more to it than that, but I LOVE finding the perfect setting on a new toaster. Like I would be popping toasted bread all night until we got perfection..
Look I don't know why she puts up with me either.
posted by East14thTaco at 9:03 AM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
Obviously that story has more to it than that, but I LOVE finding the perfect setting on a new toaster. Like I would be popping toasted bread all night until we got perfection..
Look I don't know why she puts up with me either.
posted by East14thTaco at 9:03 AM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
This extremely personal essay seems a bit of an odd fit on a website subsection which mostly consists of articles like "Is This the World's Most Instagrammable Cocktail?" and "Sour Patch Kids Cereal Is the Weirdest Cereal of the Year."
“It seems to me that our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and the hunger for it… and then the warmth and richness and fine reality of hunger satisfied… and it is all one.”
― M.F.K. Fisher, The Art of Eating
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:03 AM on December 11, 2018 [30 favorites]
“It seems to me that our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and the hunger for it… and then the warmth and richness and fine reality of hunger satisfied… and it is all one.”
― M.F.K. Fisher, The Art of Eating
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:03 AM on December 11, 2018 [30 favorites]
(The flip side, of course, is that food and meals and grocery runs can so easily become proxy wars for silent and unsayable dynamics in a relationship.)
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:14 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:14 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
There were a number of harbingers of my divorce, but a main one was my dropping 50 pounds in six months. I ate so many damned hardboiled eggs during that time. I would make them on Sunday nights and eat them for breakfast all week with fruit.
A lot of relationships in my life suffer from one party loving a version of another party, instead of the person that party actually is. That is what actually ended my marriage. You have to crack an egg open to find out if it's still good, friends.
posted by wellred at 9:20 AM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
A lot of relationships in my life suffer from one party loving a version of another party, instead of the person that party actually is. That is what actually ended my marriage. You have to crack an egg open to find out if it's still good, friends.
posted by wellred at 9:20 AM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
As far as online recipe goes, we'll it's a good start, but she needs to flesh out out quite a bit.
Its main failing is that it goes far too directly into the making of the poached eggs. To be a proper online recipe it should have put at least 10,000 words about her marriage, how much she loves eggs, her childhood, the season, and what her cat or a relative did that morning, before she even begins talking about ingredients.
posted by happyroach at 9:22 AM on December 11, 2018 [21 favorites]
Its main failing is that it goes far too directly into the making of the poached eggs. To be a proper online recipe it should have put at least 10,000 words about her marriage, how much she loves eggs, her childhood, the season, and what her cat or a relative did that morning, before she even begins talking about ingredients.
posted by happyroach at 9:22 AM on December 11, 2018 [21 favorites]
(A small aside regarding egg-poaching devices or, as I call them, Coward’s Cups: they are an affront to God.)
Aw, I love my Coward's Cup! Delicious eggs every time.
Interesting essay, thanks for sharing.
posted by cheapskatebay at 9:22 AM on December 11, 2018
Aw, I love my Coward's Cup! Delicious eggs every time.
Interesting essay, thanks for sharing.
posted by cheapskatebay at 9:22 AM on December 11, 2018
Obligatory: "Could I get a crock-pot version of this divorce recipe, please?"
posted by clawsoon at 9:29 AM on December 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by clawsoon at 9:29 AM on December 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
Countess Elena: A woman's desire, unless it directly serves the interests of society, is a threat to the natural order. I don't think I knew how deeply I had internalized this until recently.
The point of having male hierarchies is to make women's desire inconsequential.
posted by clawsoon at 9:31 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
The point of having male hierarchies is to make women's desire inconsequential.
posted by clawsoon at 9:31 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
The author comes across to me as callow and still lacking in self-awareness.
A shorter version of the article:
While poaching eggs, I came to the realization that I told a man that I love him when I really didn't.
The end.
posted by prepmonkey at 9:46 AM on December 11, 2018 [18 favorites]
A shorter version of the article:
While poaching eggs, I came to the realization that I told a man that I love him when I really didn't.
The end.
posted by prepmonkey at 9:46 AM on December 11, 2018 [18 favorites]
I have sincere question: Who is Brandy Jensen?
She’s deservedly famous on twitter (@BrandyLJensen), and she’s an editor and contributor at the now-much-reduced The Outline, where she writes the “Ask A Fuck-Up” advice column.
I’m not sure where griphus saw this, but she posted it on twitter a few hours ago and mentioned that it was the first time that she’d tried writing a personal essay (it’s from May).
posted by chappell, ambrose at 10:25 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
She’s deservedly famous on twitter (@BrandyLJensen), and she’s an editor and contributor at the now-much-reduced The Outline, where she writes the “Ask A Fuck-Up” advice column.
I’m not sure where griphus saw this, but she posted it on twitter a few hours ago and mentioned that it was the first time that she’d tried writing a personal essay (it’s from May).
posted by chappell, ambrose at 10:25 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Whenever I poach a marriage I leave an egg.
posted by Splunge at 10:30 AM on December 11, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 10:30 AM on December 11, 2018 [10 favorites]
Just as long as you leave it unfertilized.
posted by bondcliff at 10:53 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bondcliff at 10:53 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I use the method described in this piece and it is the perfect method. I make an excellent poached egg, ask my fiance.
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:26 AM on December 11, 2018
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:26 AM on December 11, 2018
I think it is time for me to break up with my eggs. No more scrambled. On to the poached kind. Yolk is always yellower in the other kind.
posted by AugustWest at 11:56 AM on December 11, 2018
posted by AugustWest at 11:56 AM on December 11, 2018
It is an interesting glimpse of how you might start doing random things differently, but secretly, when you are thinking of leaving your spouse. Eating something they are allergic to when they aren't around. Listening to music they dislike. Going to places they would never go.
Huh? This is how you stay in a relationship. Love someone, but give yourself some space to be yourself.
posted by aspo at 1:19 PM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
Huh? This is how you stay in a relationship. Love someone, but give yourself some space to be yourself.
posted by aspo at 1:19 PM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
My bloke makes beautiful poached eggs. He uses egg rings to keep them in shape, and instead of vinegar he uses a splash of milk in the water; this is something his mother did, and while I have no idea whether it makes a difference, I know that his eggs are perfect. Through thirty years of ups and downs his poached eggs on toast has been the ideal meal for hangovers, sickness, sadness and those times when you just feel like eating something very pure and unfancy.
I don't know if they've saved our relationship but they have certainly been a great source of nurturing and comfort through the years. I can make them too, but they're his thing, and so usually he makes them.
posted by andraste at 1:19 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
I don't know if they've saved our relationship but they have certainly been a great source of nurturing and comfort through the years. I can make them too, but they're his thing, and so usually he makes them.
posted by andraste at 1:19 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
It is an interesting glimpse of how you might start doing random things differently, but secretly, when you are thinking of leaving your spouse. Eating something they are allergic to when they aren't around. Listening to music they dislike. Going to places they would never go.
Huh?
The key here is what has driven someone to the secret kitchen: the unspoken history of all the times one has made things so someone else can enjoy them, and the hollow feelings of mastery without joy or pride or mutual happiness. It's every time one has hidden behind "too busy making something" rather than conversation over the counter. It's the idle thought of I can't stand this meal even though I eat it to keep the peace. That first poached egg? Fuck it, I like poached eggs. Then: I like poached eggs! And then the perfecting of the selfish, defiant dinner for one. The useful absence, present and productive, but...gone, too. Do not underestimate how lonely a kitchen can be, and how thoughts have time to range as the hands are busy making a bitter and triumphant dish.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:14 PM on December 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
Huh?
The key here is what has driven someone to the secret kitchen: the unspoken history of all the times one has made things so someone else can enjoy them, and the hollow feelings of mastery without joy or pride or mutual happiness. It's every time one has hidden behind "too busy making something" rather than conversation over the counter. It's the idle thought of I can't stand this meal even though I eat it to keep the peace. That first poached egg? Fuck it, I like poached eggs. Then: I like poached eggs! And then the perfecting of the selfish, defiant dinner for one. The useful absence, present and productive, but...gone, too. Do not underestimate how lonely a kitchen can be, and how thoughts have time to range as the hands are busy making a bitter and triumphant dish.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:14 PM on December 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
I love a poached egg but this is a very sad thread.
posted by Songdog at 3:19 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Songdog at 3:19 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
I divorced my husband when I found the grocery receipt for salmon and potatoes, he was making for his lover, rather than golfing with friends.
I am a really good cook. I cook for me. If I burn the toast, I don't call a friend to complain. I put more home made marmalade on it, honey roasted peanut butter, or feta and I enjoy it with tea. No resentment. I love my cooking.
What I don't get about articles like this is why people just don't go forward into their lives and leave the scene of the sad ending to quietly dissipate its energy back to the hungry universe. Making money off of personal, emotional gore is obdurate, and devoid of decency.
Making shakshuka, that is how I poach eggs anymore.
posted by Oyéah at 3:21 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
I am a really good cook. I cook for me. If I burn the toast, I don't call a friend to complain. I put more home made marmalade on it, honey roasted peanut butter, or feta and I enjoy it with tea. No resentment. I love my cooking.
What I don't get about articles like this is why people just don't go forward into their lives and leave the scene of the sad ending to quietly dissipate its energy back to the hungry universe. Making money off of personal, emotional gore is obdurate, and devoid of decency.
Making shakshuka, that is how I poach eggs anymore.
posted by Oyéah at 3:21 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
This divorce recipe needs more of Mallory Ortberg's All The Comments on Every Recipe Blog:
"I didn’t have any eggs, so I replaced them with a banana-chia-flaxseed pulse. It turned out terrible; this recipe is terrible."
posted by clawsoon at 3:53 PM on December 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
"I didn’t have any eggs, so I replaced them with a banana-chia-flaxseed pulse. It turned out terrible; this recipe is terrible."
posted by clawsoon at 3:53 PM on December 11, 2018 [9 favorites]
I think “lacking in self awareness” is precisely the wrong thing to call the author. Just because her awareness bothers you (she doesn’t love her good husband) doesn’t mean her awareness is incorrect or misplaced.
posted by lydhre at 4:30 PM on December 11, 2018 [16 favorites]
posted by lydhre at 4:30 PM on December 11, 2018 [16 favorites]
The author comes across to me as callow and still lacking in self-awareness.
you know what you think you know about the author because she wrote it in. this is not a journal entry. you did not eavesdrop on her dreams or her stream of consciousness. you have these pieces to put together because she gave them to you.
people in general, but especially people here, always, always accuse women of lacking self-awareness when, and because, they can't believe she would voluntarily disclose -- or invent -- something about herself for any reason other than self-flattery. reasons like truth, or art, or just a decent essay. can't imagine a woman writing about herself with any communicative or artistic purpose in mind at all other than making herself look good.
so, if she does not end up making herself look good, it must be a failure. she couldn't have known how it sounds, she couldn't have been aware of what she was saying, or she wouldn't have shown us. QED. for her to have meant it, to have been self-aware, she'd have to have some nerves and brains and be in fairly good control of her own medium. and be more interested in writing to communicate a particular idea or to achieve a particular effect than to feed her personal vanity. and how likely is that, really?
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:45 PM on December 11, 2018 [54 favorites]
Dearest husband, I am not thinking of leaving you, but I do like to poach eggs.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 5:49 PM on December 11, 2018
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 5:49 PM on December 11, 2018
Seems a little casually cruel and selfish to publish these details about an apparently loving ex-spouse and not make it anonymous.
I don't know, it might be a bit of a relief to know that it wasn't him, it was her. And that's assuming none of it ever came up during the divorce.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:39 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't know, it might be a bit of a relief to know that it wasn't him, it was her. And that's assuming none of it ever came up during the divorce.
posted by ghost phoneme at 6:39 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yeah, it's possible that her ex knows all these details by now.
Basically, she settled for him even though she didn't love him and it turns out she could not make herself love him just because he was good.
After years of ignoring this advice I had, at long last, picked a good egg. There are so few out there, and fewer as you pass various sell-by dates. When you find a suitable egg the sensible thing to do is make it yours and enjoy it.
There you go. You know damn well that you have very, very few eggs to pick from (plus most women's need to uh, use theirs immediately before they have no more eggs), most of them are shattered on the sidewalk, and you can't afford to turn down a good intact egg just because you're not in love with it. You probably won't find better, everyone tells you so and you can see it in most of the women you know. If you have a good one, cling to it like a barnacle and lock that shit down. Don't worry about your feelings, just go with it because you can't stand to keep shopping around and not finding exactly what you want, you don't have opportunities and if you get lucky, LOCK IT DOWN.
I feel sad for them both, I think. But I would bet large amounts of money that dude was remarried within two years at the slowest and she may never have the opportunity to get married again. Women know we don't have nearly as many quality men to choose from, so choosing to divorce a good one because you don't love him must have been very hard.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:50 PM on December 11, 2018 [19 favorites]
Basically, she settled for him even though she didn't love him and it turns out she could not make herself love him just because he was good.
After years of ignoring this advice I had, at long last, picked a good egg. There are so few out there, and fewer as you pass various sell-by dates. When you find a suitable egg the sensible thing to do is make it yours and enjoy it.
There you go. You know damn well that you have very, very few eggs to pick from (plus most women's need to uh, use theirs immediately before they have no more eggs), most of them are shattered on the sidewalk, and you can't afford to turn down a good intact egg just because you're not in love with it. You probably won't find better, everyone tells you so and you can see it in most of the women you know. If you have a good one, cling to it like a barnacle and lock that shit down. Don't worry about your feelings, just go with it because you can't stand to keep shopping around and not finding exactly what you want, you don't have opportunities and if you get lucky, LOCK IT DOWN.
I feel sad for them both, I think. But I would bet large amounts of money that dude was remarried within two years at the slowest and she may never have the opportunity to get married again. Women know we don't have nearly as many quality men to choose from, so choosing to divorce a good one because you don't love him must have been very hard.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:50 PM on December 11, 2018 [19 favorites]
There you go. You know damn well that you have very, very few eggs to pick from (plus most women's need to uh, use theirs immediately before they have no more eggs), most of them are shattered on the sidewalk, and you can't afford to turn down a good intact egg just because you're not in love with it. You probably won't find better, everyone tells you so and you can see it in most of the women you know. If you have a good one, cling to it like a barnacle and lock that shit down. Don't worry about your feelings, just go with it because you can't stand to keep shopping around and not finding exactly what you want, you don't have opportunities and if you get lucky, LOCK IT DOWN.
This... this was awesome. I'd like to read some of YOUR essays sometime, jenfullmoon. This comment was very enlightening for me. I am going to re-evaluate some (at least two) of my own past relationships in the light of what you, and to a lesser extent TFA, have said. I guess I kind of had an inkling, but to see it spelled out so clearly, just... wow. thank you.
posted by some loser at 7:06 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
This... this was awesome. I'd like to read some of YOUR essays sometime, jenfullmoon. This comment was very enlightening for me. I am going to re-evaluate some (at least two) of my own past relationships in the light of what you, and to a lesser extent TFA, have said. I guess I kind of had an inkling, but to see it spelled out so clearly, just... wow. thank you.
posted by some loser at 7:06 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
"I didn’t have any eggs, so I replaced them with a banana-chia-flaxseed pulse. It turned out terrible; this recipe is terrible."
"I was out of husband, so I used a forgotten can of kidney beans from the pantry. Do you think I need to increase the cooking time?"
posted by lazuli at 8:05 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
"I was out of husband, so I used a forgotten can of kidney beans from the pantry. Do you think I need to increase the cooking time?"
posted by lazuli at 8:05 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
God forbid a woman write a memoir piece professionally that does not have her be either a Good Victim or portray all the men in her life glowingly. Thankfully we don't have this problem with male writers.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:46 PM on December 11, 2018 [17 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:46 PM on December 11, 2018 [17 favorites]
I actually think that the spouse comes off very well, like a good man who was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
...
I agree, but that doesn't make it any less cruel to him, to the extent that matters. And that's not snark -- I really mean that there is some question in my mind about whether that matters.
I'm the man in a very similar story.
If she had written this article, I'm not sure how I'd feel. Tbh, it wouldn't be on the top of my list of concerns. I don't think there's anything cruel in there. Or crueler than the heartbreak and possible feelings of deceit and betrayal.
The article was "OK," but as I said, I'm familiar with it already, so I'm a bit biased. ;)
Basically, she settled for him
I don't think that's a fair or respectful assumption, but again, biased.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:58 PM on December 11, 2018
...
I agree, but that doesn't make it any less cruel to him, to the extent that matters. And that's not snark -- I really mean that there is some question in my mind about whether that matters.
I'm the man in a very similar story.
If she had written this article, I'm not sure how I'd feel. Tbh, it wouldn't be on the top of my list of concerns. I don't think there's anything cruel in there. Or crueler than the heartbreak and possible feelings of deceit and betrayal.
The article was "OK," but as I said, I'm familiar with it already, so I'm a bit biased. ;)
Basically, she settled for him
I don't think that's a fair or respectful assumption, but again, biased.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:58 PM on December 11, 2018
"people here, always,"
People here are varied. If this were a depressingly misogynistic site, as in "people here always," I wouldn't be here.
posted by Oyéah at 7:30 AM on December 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
People here are varied. If this were a depressingly misogynistic site, as in "people here always," I wouldn't be here.
posted by Oyéah at 7:30 AM on December 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
If you add vinegar to egg poaching liquid it is because you care more about the appearance of the egg than it's flavour. With eggs benedict where the egg is covered in vinegary goop it may not matter but for plain poached eggs on toast or muffins vinegar imparts an offensive odour and is best avoided.
posted by epo at 7:47 AM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by epo at 7:47 AM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
If I were younger, I would condemn the writer for being selfish and shallow, but I know now that you can't return someone's love simply because they deserve it.
Sure, but you can say ‘no.’ From the information offered in the essay, she married someone she didn’t love because she was “tired of being alone,” and allowed that person to cook, clean and care for her for years before finally finding the strength to be honest and tell him that she never really loved him. Regardless of gender and social/cultural pressures, that is a breathtakingly selfish thing to do, and likely created pretty awful consequences for her ex-husband to live with (from her description, he actually loved her and it’s unfair to assume that because he’s male he just moved on and was fine—if my spouse laid that on me after lying convincingly for years, about the most important thing you can tell another person....it would take me a long, long time to believe another person when they said ‘I love you.’).
posted by LooseFilter at 8:07 AM on December 12, 2018 [8 favorites]
Sure, but you can say ‘no.’ From the information offered in the essay, she married someone she didn’t love because she was “tired of being alone,” and allowed that person to cook, clean and care for her for years before finally finding the strength to be honest and tell him that she never really loved him. Regardless of gender and social/cultural pressures, that is a breathtakingly selfish thing to do, and likely created pretty awful consequences for her ex-husband to live with (from her description, he actually loved her and it’s unfair to assume that because he’s male he just moved on and was fine—if my spouse laid that on me after lying convincingly for years, about the most important thing you can tell another person....it would take me a long, long time to believe another person when they said ‘I love you.’).
posted by LooseFilter at 8:07 AM on December 12, 2018 [8 favorites]
Sarah Becan's Sauceome: "I like to poach it poach it" (comic on how to poach an egg)
posted by jillithd at 9:47 AM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by jillithd at 9:47 AM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
I shouldn't have read this. Way to close to home.
posted by slickvaguely at 1:15 PM on December 12, 2018
posted by slickvaguely at 1:15 PM on December 12, 2018
Basically, she settled for him
I don't think that's a fair or respectful assumption, but again, biased.
I think I define settling as "In the deepest recesses of my heart I know I shouldn't marry this person because this isn't quite the right fit, but I am going to do it anyway because I can't find the right fit and I am sick of waiting around trying to find it." It's not quite as bad as it could be in this case, but I do concur that it sucks for the guy. I suspect this is exactly what happened with my parents (not that my mom would quite admit it under the circumstances) and I certainly saw what it was like when one person didn't feel the same as the other. It's probably why I've never been able to stomach doing it myself. I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm sorry it happens in general, and I'm sorry that some people feel that they have to do it because it's as good as it will get.
This... this was awesome. I'd like to read some of YOUR essays sometime, jenfullmoon.
Aw, thanks! *blushes* Will have to think on that one as to what else.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:50 PM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't think that's a fair or respectful assumption, but again, biased.
I think I define settling as "In the deepest recesses of my heart I know I shouldn't marry this person because this isn't quite the right fit, but I am going to do it anyway because I can't find the right fit and I am sick of waiting around trying to find it." It's not quite as bad as it could be in this case, but I do concur that it sucks for the guy. I suspect this is exactly what happened with my parents (not that my mom would quite admit it under the circumstances) and I certainly saw what it was like when one person didn't feel the same as the other. It's probably why I've never been able to stomach doing it myself. I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm sorry it happens in general, and I'm sorry that some people feel that they have to do it because it's as good as it will get.
This... this was awesome. I'd like to read some of YOUR essays sometime, jenfullmoon.
Aw, thanks! *blushes* Will have to think on that one as to what else.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:50 PM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
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posted by chappell, ambrose at 7:23 AM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]