online motherhood: disingenuousness disguised as relatability
April 17, 2019 11:32 AM Subscribe
Since the first mommy blogs of the early aughts (SL TheCut), online motherhood has come a long way. If you were to take a paleontological approach and classify online motherhood into ages, you might break it down like this: the Confessional Age (2001–2009ish), the Early Sponcon Age (2009–2015ish), the Influencer Age (2015–2018), and now, the Perfectly Imperfect Age....“Perfectly imperfect” claims to reject the trap of perfectionism, and often appears alongside stories about a “journey” to self-acceptance, or a triumph over adversity. It’s often used to describe an overall approach to life: Forget the happy homemaker routine and embrace the chaos and love of your family life as it already is.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here — she’s still a mom. In fact, she’s mom as fuck. Her maternal instincts are so honed, so visceral, she’s borderline terrifying. But also beautiful. On the inside AND on the outside. She’s caffeinated, motivated, hyperorganized, yet also soulful and vulnerable. She is all of these things and then some. Sometimes it’s hard to keep it all straight. The kids aren’t always smiling in the photos — we all know how hard it is to get them to pose. The perfectly imperfect mom loves her kids’ grimaces, and you can tell because she never fails to smile at them.
The #perfectlyimperfect mom may not be perfect, but she has tried very, very hard to be — and is making peace with her “limitations.” These limitations define a new set of boundaries about what is and isn’t admissible within the definition of “good motherhood.” The birthday cake you lovingly made for your son that came out adorably lopsided? Perfectly imperfect. Your soft post-baby body, encased in brand-new Lycra, on its merry way to the gym? Perfectly imperfect! Showing up late to pick your kids up from school because your boss kept you late at work? Hmm. Maybe keep that one to yourself. Burning dinner and serving it to an unhappy family after you lash out from your own self-loathing? That’s more of a private moment, no?
#Perfectlyimperfect’s internal contradiction is meant to be a clever joke, but like so much of online motherhood, it has political implications. Most images that are tagged with #perfectlyimperfect or #motherhoodunplugged represent conventionally “perfect” women — attractive, carefully groomed, usually white, posing for selfies that reinforce many of the same old beauty and femininity norms that have dogged women since the dawn of time. Online motherhood has always contained its share of disingenuousness disguised as relatability, and this is the latest version.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here — she’s still a mom. In fact, she’s mom as fuck. Her maternal instincts are so honed, so visceral, she’s borderline terrifying. But also beautiful. On the inside AND on the outside. She’s caffeinated, motivated, hyperorganized, yet also soulful and vulnerable. She is all of these things and then some. Sometimes it’s hard to keep it all straight. The kids aren’t always smiling in the photos — we all know how hard it is to get them to pose. The perfectly imperfect mom loves her kids’ grimaces, and you can tell because she never fails to smile at them.
The #perfectlyimperfect mom may not be perfect, but she has tried very, very hard to be — and is making peace with her “limitations.” These limitations define a new set of boundaries about what is and isn’t admissible within the definition of “good motherhood.” The birthday cake you lovingly made for your son that came out adorably lopsided? Perfectly imperfect. Your soft post-baby body, encased in brand-new Lycra, on its merry way to the gym? Perfectly imperfect! Showing up late to pick your kids up from school because your boss kept you late at work? Hmm. Maybe keep that one to yourself. Burning dinner and serving it to an unhappy family after you lash out from your own self-loathing? That’s more of a private moment, no?
#Perfectlyimperfect’s internal contradiction is meant to be a clever joke, but like so much of online motherhood, it has political implications. Most images that are tagged with #perfectlyimperfect or #motherhoodunplugged represent conventionally “perfect” women — attractive, carefully groomed, usually white, posing for selfies that reinforce many of the same old beauty and femininity norms that have dogged women since the dawn of time. Online motherhood has always contained its share of disingenuousness disguised as relatability, and this is the latest version.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble
Has anyone else seen The Letdown? There is a scene that captures this so well with the "instagram mom" character.
I very much enjoyed this insightful piece. Here's the additional perspective/question that I would add: what do women find helpful about posting about being #perfectlyimperfect and why do they find it helpful? I think, traditionally, there are many things about motherhood that we've thought of as being basic at best and rampant consumerism at worst (mom jeans, minivans, drive throughs...), but my own experience is that there are really pragmatic reasons (that sometimes point to systemic problems) why these things work for moms.
posted by CMcG at 11:55 AM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
I very much enjoyed this insightful piece. Here's the additional perspective/question that I would add: what do women find helpful about posting about being #perfectlyimperfect and why do they find it helpful? I think, traditionally, there are many things about motherhood that we've thought of as being basic at best and rampant consumerism at worst (mom jeans, minivans, drive throughs...), but my own experience is that there are really pragmatic reasons (that sometimes point to systemic problems) why these things work for moms.
posted by CMcG at 11:55 AM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
From the article:
Her maternal instincts are so honed, so visceral, she’s borderline terrifying. But also beautiful. On the inside AND on the outside. She’s caffeinated, motivated, hyperorganized, yet also soulful and vulnerable. She is all of these things and then some.
....My cousin has two girls, ages 6 and 4. She's also on Facebook a lot. I am godmother to her youngest girl, and a year or so ago started getting uneasy about my cousin sort of prompting her to say these sort of scripted things to me - making sure that she said "I love you" when she brought her over to say bye-bye at a family function. Or at Christmas, she'd gotten a separate gift for my goddaughter to give me, and practically pushed her at me, with a whole sort of script for what to say that she kept calling out the cue lines for and the poor child just sort of parroted at me:
"I got this for you!"
"...Got dis for you!"
"I hope you think of me when you use it!"
"...fink of me when yoozit!"
I've actually been uneasy about this for a while, but this past Christmas more people in the family noticed a change in my cousin - she just seemed so intense and hyper-animated when she was talking about the family and her kids and her life, to the point that the next day there were a few quiet calls around to other family members and discussions about "....did S seem okay to you?"
The rest of the family isn't all that into online culture, so they just thought S was acting "weird". But I had a hunch I was seeing "holy crap S is clearly waaaaaay into Mommy Blogs." And yeah "Caffinated, hyperorganized, and terrifying" is definitely the vibe I got now.
I quietly decided to go hard on more of the genuine interactions with my goddaughter - and fortunately that included screaming in mock terror when she later was running around with a T-rex mask and pretending to eat everyone. I have a feeling that this child's godmother is going to need to be a little more like "weird aunt", especially if this is the kind of thing she's up against.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:21 PM on April 17, 2019 [41 favorites]
Her maternal instincts are so honed, so visceral, she’s borderline terrifying. But also beautiful. On the inside AND on the outside. She’s caffeinated, motivated, hyperorganized, yet also soulful and vulnerable. She is all of these things and then some.
....My cousin has two girls, ages 6 and 4. She's also on Facebook a lot. I am godmother to her youngest girl, and a year or so ago started getting uneasy about my cousin sort of prompting her to say these sort of scripted things to me - making sure that she said "I love you" when she brought her over to say bye-bye at a family function. Or at Christmas, she'd gotten a separate gift for my goddaughter to give me, and practically pushed her at me, with a whole sort of script for what to say that she kept calling out the cue lines for and the poor child just sort of parroted at me:
"I got this for you!"
"...Got dis for you!"
"I hope you think of me when you use it!"
"...fink of me when yoozit!"
I've actually been uneasy about this for a while, but this past Christmas more people in the family noticed a change in my cousin - she just seemed so intense and hyper-animated when she was talking about the family and her kids and her life, to the point that the next day there were a few quiet calls around to other family members and discussions about "....did S seem okay to you?"
The rest of the family isn't all that into online culture, so they just thought S was acting "weird". But I had a hunch I was seeing "holy crap S is clearly waaaaaay into Mommy Blogs." And yeah "Caffinated, hyperorganized, and terrifying" is definitely the vibe I got now.
I quietly decided to go hard on more of the genuine interactions with my goddaughter - and fortunately that included screaming in mock terror when she later was running around with a T-rex mask and pretending to eat everyone. I have a feeling that this child's godmother is going to need to be a little more like "weird aunt", especially if this is the kind of thing she's up against.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:21 PM on April 17, 2019 [41 favorites]
I don't have children, but have been trying to - and so have found myself watching a lot of the parenting politics within my real life and online, and becoming very uncomfortable with the essentializing of "motherhood", as different and more important than parenthood.
I realize that people who physically bear and/or nurse children (not all of whom are women) will have a different physical relationship with those children than parents who don't physically bear and/or nurse children (not all of whom are men). But having dipped my toes in parenthood (unsuccessful pregnancy), I found myself immersed in a world of gender division that made personally uncomfortable (as a gender-nonconforming feminist), both in how it gendered me (as the ultra-parent) and how it excluded my partner (it was like he was just a side-car parent, minimally involved). Our immediate community (clinic, friends, etc.) were actually better about not doing this -- but so much else (books, online forums, etc.) seemed to be all about bearing mothers to the exclusion of other parents.
Maybe I'm projecting my own (agender) biases, but I keep wondering if some of the tension of the "mommy wars" might not be relieved by a re-focus on parenting in a less personally defining way - as one aspect of one's life, but not the majority of an identity. And maybe making it more gender inclusive would allow for more diversity in childcare.
posted by jb at 12:21 PM on April 17, 2019 [36 favorites]
I realize that people who physically bear and/or nurse children (not all of whom are women) will have a different physical relationship with those children than parents who don't physically bear and/or nurse children (not all of whom are men). But having dipped my toes in parenthood (unsuccessful pregnancy), I found myself immersed in a world of gender division that made personally uncomfortable (as a gender-nonconforming feminist), both in how it gendered me (as the ultra-parent) and how it excluded my partner (it was like he was just a side-car parent, minimally involved). Our immediate community (clinic, friends, etc.) were actually better about not doing this -- but so much else (books, online forums, etc.) seemed to be all about bearing mothers to the exclusion of other parents.
Maybe I'm projecting my own (agender) biases, but I keep wondering if some of the tension of the "mommy wars" might not be relieved by a re-focus on parenting in a less personally defining way - as one aspect of one's life, but not the majority of an identity. And maybe making it more gender inclusive would allow for more diversity in childcare.
posted by jb at 12:21 PM on April 17, 2019 [36 favorites]
Or at Christmas, she'd gotten a separate gift for my goddaughter to give me, and practically pushed her at me, with a whole sort of script for what to say that she kept calling out the cue lines for and the poor child just sort of parroted at me
Is your cousin Hispanic, or just very Catholic? My ex-wife (the mother of my daughter) is Mexican, and in her family, the Godparents (Ninos and Ninas, short for the padrinos and padrinas) are treated with a level of respect just below the actual parents. Separate Christmas presents and extra signs of affection were definitely the norm at every Christmas I was a part of.
posted by sideshow at 12:47 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Is your cousin Hispanic, or just very Catholic? My ex-wife (the mother of my daughter) is Mexican, and in her family, the Godparents (Ninos and Ninas, short for the padrinos and padrinas) are treated with a level of respect just below the actual parents. Separate Christmas presents and extra signs of affection were definitely the norm at every Christmas I was a part of.
posted by sideshow at 12:47 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think the way we ask people to raise kids now is too hard and the only way to become strong enough to do the impossible is to put your whole self into a box and take up one of these pre-made identities instead. Just like with any other too-challenging endeavor like joining the military, becoming a cop, or becoming a doctor, what we ask of people now is literally too much. Something has to get tossed overboard to make room. It seems that this #perfectlyimperfect is a way of providing an identity that has some room to let off the steam of no human being being capable of perfection on their own. Kind of like when corsets got so tight they were like ok to hell with corsets.
posted by bleep at 12:52 PM on April 17, 2019 [21 favorites]
posted by bleep at 12:52 PM on April 17, 2019 [21 favorites]
I've apparently been a mom for seven years now but man I do not relate to aaany of this hashtag-mom stuff in the slightest. Like jb, it's all just too essentialist, too insistent of defining yourself as A Mom (not just A Parent but A Mom very specifically). The fact that I'm a mom is seriously the least interesting thing about me (and I'm not really all that interesting just on a base level). I think this makes me A Bad Mom but no one has ever had the balls to tell me that so I don't really care.
I have an unusually (for 2019 America) co-equal parenting relationship with my husband, which probably plays a role in my feelings here. I don't need to be mom as fuck because there are in fact two fully functioning grown ass adults involved here.
A couple internet parenting communities have been important to me as places I can go to get advice (I'm an only child, I did not grow up caring for kids, the learning curve has been steep) and then pass that advice down to others, but that's all the momming I want to do online. I do enough of that IRL, thanks. I mean, Game of Thrones and Sabrina are back on. Let's focus on what's really important here #shiptruthers
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:54 PM on April 17, 2019 [29 favorites]
I have an unusually (for 2019 America) co-equal parenting relationship with my husband, which probably plays a role in my feelings here. I don't need to be mom as fuck because there are in fact two fully functioning grown ass adults involved here.
A couple internet parenting communities have been important to me as places I can go to get advice (I'm an only child, I did not grow up caring for kids, the learning curve has been steep) and then pass that advice down to others, but that's all the momming I want to do online. I do enough of that IRL, thanks. I mean, Game of Thrones and Sabrina are back on. Let's focus on what's really important here #shiptruthers
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:54 PM on April 17, 2019 [29 favorites]
LOL Heather Armstrong has definitely not moved on.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:56 PM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:56 PM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
Is your cousin Hispanic, or just very Catholic?
Very Catholic. But it wasn't the receiving of a separate gift that gave me pause, it was the way she was trying to choreograph the whole ritual of the giving-and-receiving of the gift down to the point that she had thought up very specifically regimented things for her child to say to me.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:00 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Very Catholic. But it wasn't the receiving of a separate gift that gave me pause, it was the way she was trying to choreograph the whole ritual of the giving-and-receiving of the gift down to the point that she had thought up very specifically regimented things for her child to say to me.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:00 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
I have two kids under three and hoo boy I have no idea how anyone has the emotional or mental energy to read these blogs at the end of the day. I can barely keep up with metafilter, ffs.
and jb, thanks for that; the gender thing is frustrating as hell and comes up everywhere
posted by phooky at 1:01 PM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
and jb, thanks for that; the gender thing is frustrating as hell and comes up everywhere
posted by phooky at 1:01 PM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
I’ve sat on the sidelines of this phenomenon as an irregular reader, and I found the classification of online mommyhood eras in the article interesting. I liked the confessional age best because I liked reading blogs with authentic voices. That said, I have a hard time differentiating these perfectly imperfect accounts from the influencers - it still seems fake, and honestly I hate hashtags.
My [private, non-hashtagged] Instagram is 1/3 kid photos, 1/3 photos of random things I saw around town, and 1/3 photos of squash growing in my yard.
posted by Maarika at 1:01 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
My [private, non-hashtagged] Instagram is 1/3 kid photos, 1/3 photos of random things I saw around town, and 1/3 photos of squash growing in my yard.
posted by Maarika at 1:01 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
I have an unusually (for 2019 America) co-equal parenting relationship with my husband, which probably plays a role in my feelings here. I don't need to be mom as fuck because there are in fact two fully functioning grown ass adults involved here.
It's so sad that this situation is so rare in 2019 America, but that's exactly where I am too. The fact that my husband does his own fair share of parenting without having to be asked or reminded to do it means that I both get to be mom and be my own person and honestly, it's huge.
posted by peacheater at 1:10 PM on April 17, 2019 [17 favorites]
It's so sad that this situation is so rare in 2019 America, but that's exactly where I am too. The fact that my husband does his own fair share of parenting without having to be asked or reminded to do it means that I both get to be mom and be my own person and honestly, it's huge.
posted by peacheater at 1:10 PM on April 17, 2019 [17 favorites]
That said, I have a hard time differentiating these perfectly imperfect accounts from the influencers - it still seems fake, and honestly I hate hashtags.
I will occasionally read an article on a mommy blog and yeah they feel like they're trying to sell me something, or build a brand, or be an influencer, although that really isn't any different than any other blog I happen upon these days.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:14 PM on April 17, 2019 [3 favorites]
I will occasionally read an article on a mommy blog and yeah they feel like they're trying to sell me something, or build a brand, or be an influencer, although that really isn't any different than any other blog I happen upon these days.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:14 PM on April 17, 2019 [3 favorites]
While the article made for an entertaining read, it's another example of American media's need to label and subdivide people, akin to its relentless focus on Millenials vs. Baby Boomers. Just as the generational divisions allow us to ignore the elephant in the room - the silent vacuuming up of money and influence by the mega-wealthy, this relentless focus on different kinds of mothering by the media means that we hardly ever focus on fathering or the societal structures that enforce traditional divisions of labor. More about that and less microscopic dissections of women who are mostly just trying to express themselves in the limited ways that society allows them.
posted by peacheater at 1:33 PM on April 17, 2019 [16 favorites]
posted by peacheater at 1:33 PM on April 17, 2019 [16 favorites]
some of the tension of the "mommy wars" might not be relieved by a re-focus on parenting in a less personally defining way - as one aspect of one's life, but not the majority of an identity
Motherhood as foundational to identity does a huge amount of load-bearing work in this country. If it started becoming merely one aspect of life (which of course would require for many a radical redistribution of household labor), then suddenly a lot of women would have to be asking themselves what the other aspects of their life were. I've always felt that the women doubling down hard on "mom as all-consuming identity" are terrified of the abyss just beyond.
posted by praemunire at 1:50 PM on April 17, 2019 [25 favorites]
Motherhood as foundational to identity does a huge amount of load-bearing work in this country. If it started becoming merely one aspect of life (which of course would require for many a radical redistribution of household labor), then suddenly a lot of women would have to be asking themselves what the other aspects of their life were. I've always felt that the women doubling down hard on "mom as all-consuming identity" are terrified of the abyss just beyond.
posted by praemunire at 1:50 PM on April 17, 2019 [25 favorites]
I agree, parenting seems like an almost foolproof way to find meaning in an otherwise meaningless life.
posted by scose at 1:56 PM on April 17, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by scose at 1:56 PM on April 17, 2019 [15 favorites]
The blog dooce is mentioned in the article - a fairly typical example how this type of blog (and many others beyond this particular subject matter) has developed over the years, I believe.
It's interesting and instructive to compare the blog from 2001 or 2004 with the most recent iteration - or even more so the Instagram version.
I won't say more, except to add the obvious link.
posted by flug at 2:05 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
It's interesting and instructive to compare the blog from 2001 or 2004 with the most recent iteration - or even more so the Instagram version.
I won't say more, except to add the obvious link.
posted by flug at 2:05 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
Further Listening:
Longform Podcast #338: Hillary Frank
Longform Podcast #338: Hillary Frank
“I think motherhood is not valued in our culture. We don’t value the work of mothers both at home and then at work. Mothers are the most discriminated against people at work. They’re discriminated more against than fathers or people without children. Mothers are promoted less, hired less, and paid less. People are forced out of their jobs after they announce that they’re pregnant, they’re passed over for promotions, and they get horrible, discriminatory comments like, ‘Oh, don’t you really think you want to be at home? Do you really want to come back?‘ And American work culture is not set up for people to be parents and mothers.”posted by krisjohn at 2:30 PM on April 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
A child that young doesn't inherently understand the concept of gifts, so I think it would actually be helpful for a grownup to walk them through the steps and the Right Things to Say, etc., so they don't wind up at age 12, shoving a gift into your lap with a gruff "HERE."
Oh, no, totally. Same family - one of our aunts was pretty good at teaching that kind of thing, actually. I remember one of my cousins giving me Billy Joel's latest album as a gift when I was like twelve, and I was super-stoked about that and thanked him effusively. He was only about eight so I kinda startled him with my vehemence - but my aunt calmly came over and gently remarked to him, "boy, T, look how happy EC is at that gift you gave her, isn't it cool you made her that happy? That's such a great thing you did." She focused on the context rather than coming up with a specific Proscribed Script.
Also, he was eight. My goddaughter was only four.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:32 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
Oh, no, totally. Same family - one of our aunts was pretty good at teaching that kind of thing, actually. I remember one of my cousins giving me Billy Joel's latest album as a gift when I was like twelve, and I was super-stoked about that and thanked him effusively. He was only about eight so I kinda startled him with my vehemence - but my aunt calmly came over and gently remarked to him, "boy, T, look how happy EC is at that gift you gave her, isn't it cool you made her that happy? That's such a great thing you did." She focused on the context rather than coming up with a specific Proscribed Script.
Also, he was eight. My goddaughter was only four.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:32 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
"it was the way she was trying to choreograph the whole ritual of the giving-and-receiving of the gift down to the point that she had thought up very specifically regimented things for her child to say to me."
Yeah, this is just called parenting, you spend a shit-ton of your children's early years prompting them to repeat social niceties so they can learn how to use them. You script them because it's easier for kids to repeat a rote phrase they get to practice in advance.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:37 PM on April 17, 2019 [32 favorites]
Yeah, this is just called parenting, you spend a shit-ton of your children's early years prompting them to repeat social niceties so they can learn how to use them. You script them because it's easier for kids to repeat a rote phrase they get to practice in advance.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:37 PM on April 17, 2019 [32 favorites]
dooce was fun back in my Daily Kos days.
posted by nikaspark at 3:16 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by nikaspark at 3:16 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
I will totally rtfa once toddlo is asleep. In the meantime I'm going to say that I really enjoy the One Bad Mother podcast and basically quit social media cause I couldn't handle it anymore.
Also we don't do images of little online/only semi relavant.
posted by PistachioRoux at 3:26 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Also we don't do images of little online/only semi relavant.
posted by PistachioRoux at 3:26 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm voluntarily not a parent (a choice I promote despite social stigma) but I was a teacher. The performative or competitive mothering doesn't make for happy successful thriving children nor stable home-lives. It makes for stress, and conflict and disappointment.
I highly recommend Susan Douglas' The Mommy Myth. It ages well.
The media, these mommy blogs included are here to sell things: goods, services, ideologies, celebrity.
In the show "Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" set in the late 1950s theres a great exchange where one mom discovers another mom hasn't read Dr. Spock and is amazed that her children are even still alive!
Motherhood is hard enough without its monetized fetishaztion into an all-consuming regressive-norm reinforcing toxic momulinity. The patriarchy benefits, companies benefit, perhaps some bloggers benefit, fathers underperform and mothers are left in an Imperfectly-impossible bind with their children and identity held hostage.
So i guess I'm against it.
posted by Anchorite_of_Palgrave at 3:28 PM on April 17, 2019 [7 favorites]
I highly recommend Susan Douglas' The Mommy Myth. It ages well.
The media, these mommy blogs included are here to sell things: goods, services, ideologies, celebrity.
In the show "Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" set in the late 1950s theres a great exchange where one mom discovers another mom hasn't read Dr. Spock and is amazed that her children are even still alive!
Motherhood is hard enough without its monetized fetishaztion into an all-consuming regressive-norm reinforcing toxic momulinity. The patriarchy benefits, companies benefit, perhaps some bloggers benefit, fathers underperform and mothers are left in an Imperfectly-impossible bind with their children and identity held hostage.
So i guess I'm against it.
posted by Anchorite_of_Palgrave at 3:28 PM on April 17, 2019 [7 favorites]
What is "sponcon"?
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:58 PM on April 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:58 PM on April 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
Sponsored content
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 4:03 PM on April 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 4:03 PM on April 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
well I for one am against sponcon your children.
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:22 PM on April 17, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:22 PM on April 17, 2019 [13 favorites]
I’ve come back to recommend a truly great mommy blog (though still from a seemingly white upper middle class perspective): Jenny True.
posted by CMcG at 4:35 PM on April 17, 2019
posted by CMcG at 4:35 PM on April 17, 2019
The Blue Dot project is about supporting women who experience maternal mental health issues. Their campaign “Ask Her” focuses on getting people in women’s lives to ask them about their real experience of motherhood and to listen. I strongly encourage anyone who is concerned about a mother to take a look at their content.
And to be more direct than my first comment on this thread: I honestly think that a significant percentage of these types of social media posts are a jokey way to say “I need help.” There is a lot of cognitive dissonance around being a mother and also being a person who needs help.
posted by CMcG at 4:48 PM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
And to be more direct than my first comment on this thread: I honestly think that a significant percentage of these types of social media posts are a jokey way to say “I need help.” There is a lot of cognitive dissonance around being a mother and also being a person who needs help.
posted by CMcG at 4:48 PM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
Someone mentioned motherhood, so I guess we better all weigh in pro or con!
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:50 PM on April 17, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:50 PM on April 17, 2019 [9 favorites]
"...we’re still in conversation with perfectionism." Even in our self-deprecation.
Also, I do not think "authentic" and "unfiltered" mean what these curatorial hashtag mamas think they mean.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:00 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Also, I do not think "authentic" and "unfiltered" mean what these curatorial hashtag mamas think they mean.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:00 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
I can so not wait for social media to die.
posted by signal at 7:10 PM on April 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by signal at 7:10 PM on April 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
as a mommy-to-no one I’m just here for the sponcon/spawn con jokes.
posted by zinful at 7:22 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by zinful at 7:22 PM on April 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
Very Catholic. But it wasn't the receiving of a separate gift that gave me pause, it was the way she was trying to choreograph the whole ritual of the giving-and-receiving of the gift down to the point that she had thought up very specifically regimented things for her child to say to me.
I mean, you might find it weird, but if the god-children of my former mother-in-law didn’t do at least what you niece did at a Christmas, the parents of that child would hear about it, probably continuously until the next Christmas.
Mario Puzo didn’t choose the title of his book willy-nilly. That relationship is very important in some cultures.
posted by sideshow at 11:34 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
I mean, you might find it weird, but if the god-children of my former mother-in-law didn’t do at least what you niece did at a Christmas, the parents of that child would hear about it, probably continuously until the next Christmas.
Mario Puzo didn’t choose the title of his book willy-nilly. That relationship is very important in some cultures.
posted by sideshow at 11:34 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
So this is the way feminism ends. Not with equality but with a hashtag.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:40 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:40 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Also let’s just call an “influencer” what they really are - independent marketing contractors, hustling for the man.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:41 PM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:41 PM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
... the way she was trying to choreograph the whole ritual of the giving-and-receiving of the gift down to the point that she had thought up very specifically regimented things for her child to say to me.
The day before yesterday, my child lost a stuffed animal at Kindergarten. Yesterday, it was found again. You'd better believe that I coached the child through the process of finding out who found it and thanking them. If I hadn't, the child would have been happy with shrugging and saying, "someone found it." Instead, they were reminded that their Kindergarten teachers care for them and that people appreciate being thanked.
Just now, I reminded the child that one way to ask for more toast is, "may I have some more toast please?" I can talk here about calculated communications goals, but TBH, my main motivation is that I not have "TOAST!!!" shouted at me as an order.
And yeah, once the child knows general parameters of treating other people as human beings, then they'll be able to spontaneously engage in politeness in their own words (note: able to, not forced to – having "TOAST!!!" yelled at me will still get the child fed, just with a reminder that other people have feelings too). I've seen that happen already with some interactions, where the child has built on the scaffolding provided in order to say what they wanted, and not with others.
BUT! Some of it is performative. I know it's performative because to be properly performative, I have to start speaking German so that people around me definitely understand the performance. On top of that, the way said performance is treated is highly gendered. The standard to which I am being held is that I'm sometimes talking with the child and seem vaguely aware of their needs. If I manage that: Full points. On the other hand, my AFAB partner needs to be utterly perfect, against a constantly-changing scale, to not have their parenting judged.
So yeah, jumping in to judge as soon as someone's performance of motherhood doesn't live up to an ideal of effortlessness is, TBFH, the kind of impossible standard to which the OP is referring, and using a post about standards of motherhood to talk about people not living up to your judgement is honestly kinda shitty to anyone who's trying their best to perform parenting while being told that they're doing it wrong.
posted by frimble at 1:07 AM on April 18, 2019 [13 favorites]
The day before yesterday, my child lost a stuffed animal at Kindergarten. Yesterday, it was found again. You'd better believe that I coached the child through the process of finding out who found it and thanking them. If I hadn't, the child would have been happy with shrugging and saying, "someone found it." Instead, they were reminded that their Kindergarten teachers care for them and that people appreciate being thanked.
Just now, I reminded the child that one way to ask for more toast is, "may I have some more toast please?" I can talk here about calculated communications goals, but TBH, my main motivation is that I not have "TOAST!!!" shouted at me as an order.
And yeah, once the child knows general parameters of treating other people as human beings, then they'll be able to spontaneously engage in politeness in their own words (note: able to, not forced to – having "TOAST!!!" yelled at me will still get the child fed, just with a reminder that other people have feelings too). I've seen that happen already with some interactions, where the child has built on the scaffolding provided in order to say what they wanted, and not with others.
BUT! Some of it is performative. I know it's performative because to be properly performative, I have to start speaking German so that people around me definitely understand the performance. On top of that, the way said performance is treated is highly gendered. The standard to which I am being held is that I'm sometimes talking with the child and seem vaguely aware of their needs. If I manage that: Full points. On the other hand, my AFAB partner needs to be utterly perfect, against a constantly-changing scale, to not have their parenting judged.
So yeah, jumping in to judge as soon as someone's performance of motherhood doesn't live up to an ideal of effortlessness is, TBFH, the kind of impossible standard to which the OP is referring, and using a post about standards of motherhood to talk about people not living up to your judgement is honestly kinda shitty to anyone who's trying their best to perform parenting while being told that they're doing it wrong.
posted by frimble at 1:07 AM on April 18, 2019 [13 favorites]
For mother's day 2019, BBC Radio4 aired a short documentary called 'An Alternative History of Mothering': "Historian Emma Griffin turns to history to debunk what she calls the Motherhood Myth - the idea that maternal love is as natural as sunshine. The reality is much more complex. Ideas about motherhood have changed over the past five hundred years, and so too have the actual emotions themselves."
posted by Cantdosleepy at 3:24 AM on April 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Cantdosleepy at 3:24 AM on April 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
Becoming a mother was such a paradigm shift in my life that I couldn't stop talking about it and writing about it. Lucky for me that was in the 20th century, so I inflicted myself only on people who could handle it- Mom, other new parents I corresponded with, and my diary. So much expression! By the time I moved to the internet, I was aware of being just another "enlightened one" and wary of my kids' privacy, too (I found other things to write about). Yeah, I can understand how moms want to express themselves, and then get sucked in by the opportunity to monetize that. There's grave danger in all that public honesty -and dishonesty.
posted by Miss Cellania at 3:27 AM on April 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Miss Cellania at 3:27 AM on April 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
I went to high school with Heather Armstrong. So that's... pushing thirty years ago?
It's been interesting seeing the different permutations of her Dooce persona, but always seeing them through the wrinkle of our school valedictorian, Most Likely to Succeed, etc. Because mommy blogging may change, but if it's Heather's chosen business, I can only assure you she will succeed the fuck out of that profession, because it's how she's wired.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:09 AM on April 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
It's been interesting seeing the different permutations of her Dooce persona, but always seeing them through the wrinkle of our school valedictorian, Most Likely to Succeed, etc. Because mommy blogging may change, but if it's Heather's chosen business, I can only assure you she will succeed the fuck out of that profession, because it's how she's wired.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:09 AM on April 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
Someone mentioned motherhood, so I guess we better all weigh in pro or con!
I'm glad that I had a mother.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:31 AM on April 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
I'm glad that I had a mother.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:31 AM on April 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
I read the Elle piece mentioned in TFA, The Rise of the Mom-Shaming Resistance, and I am having a poor response to it. I feel like all of these narratives--pick your poison--have damn little to do with the internal experience of being a mother, and raise the social stakes around performing motherhood in damaging ways. More empathy, please, and fewer clubs.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:44 AM on April 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:44 AM on April 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
In my experience of becoming a mother, I was astounded to have one bar, one threshold, one club that I was so easily let into just by having my baby. My whole life up to that point had been competing for professional success in male spaces, always striving to get ahead but seemingly against some invisible stream working against me. Always with a headwind. Screw up in male spaces and you're just another example of a woman not measuring up. Succeed in a male space and you might move one quarter step forward. Just an increment. And, not being very comfortable performing femininity meant that I was often out of step with female peers. Not sufficiently girly to fit in with the "cool girls." I eventually found my middle ground and have been pretty happy there but wow, I had no idea that when I became a mom, there would be this magical door that just opened for me. I use to get so annoyed when people would become moms and then it would seem to take a prominent space in their identity. I had a friend who changed her email to "marathonmom" because she was a runner...and now a mom. And she ended up throwing her professional strength into a mom/parent/baby-focused business. It felt like a bizarre 180. But, you know, my eyes were opened with the ease at which I just became one of the club: no hoops to jump through, no secret benchmarks that seemed created just for you, you do get some measure of respect (from other parents, from older folks who have been there) just for having the baby! It's just a wild feeling when you've been banging your head against cultural conventions for your entire life.
And then let's get back to our great society and the avenues of success that are open to women. At some point, I had to reckon with the fact that my husband simply has greater access to capital and advancement. He's a straight, white, male, raised with middle class privilege. He's smart and gregarious and handsome. He absolutely is a great guy. He has more economic power than me and if I just look at my little microcosm, if I want to "improve my lot" then I should just hitch my wagon to his star and support him as best as I can. I started out earning a lot more than him in life but he rapidly out-paced me. I now own my own business and it is through his access to capital and health insurance that I'm able to build this. This business I'm in, just five years ago, I said I wouldn't do it. Because the people in this field who seemed to be successful also seemed to have a higher wage-earner spouse. It feels unfair that the only way to do this business is to have a safety-net spouse. But, at the end of the day, I still have to work my life. Take the cards that are dealt, recognize the inequality, rail against it with my vote and my activism but do what I can to build a life that works for us as much as we can.
Women are in a straight jacket. In that context, motherhood can feel like a field of freedom and opportunity. It really bothers me to say that.
posted by amanda at 7:35 AM on April 18, 2019 [20 favorites]
And then let's get back to our great society and the avenues of success that are open to women. At some point, I had to reckon with the fact that my husband simply has greater access to capital and advancement. He's a straight, white, male, raised with middle class privilege. He's smart and gregarious and handsome. He absolutely is a great guy. He has more economic power than me and if I just look at my little microcosm, if I want to "improve my lot" then I should just hitch my wagon to his star and support him as best as I can. I started out earning a lot more than him in life but he rapidly out-paced me. I now own my own business and it is through his access to capital and health insurance that I'm able to build this. This business I'm in, just five years ago, I said I wouldn't do it. Because the people in this field who seemed to be successful also seemed to have a higher wage-earner spouse. It feels unfair that the only way to do this business is to have a safety-net spouse. But, at the end of the day, I still have to work my life. Take the cards that are dealt, recognize the inequality, rail against it with my vote and my activism but do what I can to build a life that works for us as much as we can.
Women are in a straight jacket. In that context, motherhood can feel like a field of freedom and opportunity. It really bothers me to say that.
posted by amanda at 7:35 AM on April 18, 2019 [20 favorites]
I mean, you might find it weird, but if the god-children of my former mother-in-law didn’t do at least what you niece did at a Christmas, the parents of that child would hear about it, probably continuously until the next Christmas.
The mother of this goddaughter in question was my cousin whom I've known since she was born and whom I baby-sat once when I was in college. And we are a family of New England WASCs as opposed to being the sort Mario Puzo would write about.
But eh, I feel like I've been challenged on this a lot, with good points, so I'm willing to chalk it up to our family just picking up a vibe that was hard to describe to people outside the family.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:13 AM on April 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
The mother of this goddaughter in question was my cousin whom I've known since she was born and whom I baby-sat once when I was in college. And we are a family of New England WASCs as opposed to being the sort Mario Puzo would write about.
But eh, I feel like I've been challenged on this a lot, with good points, so I'm willing to chalk it up to our family just picking up a vibe that was hard to describe to people outside the family.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:13 AM on April 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
Internal contradiction is the basic element of contemporary marketing. The irony that the beauty industry creates an image to sell product, critiques it to flatter its audience and sell more, then utilises that critique to remarket a similar product to its critics is profound.
It’s a way for corporations to both have their cake and eat it too in a way that’s not only disingenuous but deeply cynical and exploitative. Yet people enjoy it and lap up dove and similar brands by the bucketloads.
Dove branding isn’t about “empowerment” it’s about selling you the fake, in the guise of the real; body positivity, anti racism, ageism whatever. It’s “woke” washing at its finest.
It’s the same here.
posted by Middlemarch at 11:08 AM on April 18, 2019
It’s a way for corporations to both have their cake and eat it too in a way that’s not only disingenuous but deeply cynical and exploitative. Yet people enjoy it and lap up dove and similar brands by the bucketloads.
Dove branding isn’t about “empowerment” it’s about selling you the fake, in the guise of the real; body positivity, anti racism, ageism whatever. It’s “woke” washing at its finest.
It’s the same here.
posted by Middlemarch at 11:08 AM on April 18, 2019
Yeah on one hand I am really weirded out by all of the ostensibly friendly "I'm just a mom doing my mom things!" posts on FB or blogs that turn out to be loaded with Shopify affiliate links or sponsored by whatever flash-in-the-pan MomStyle company decided they'd found a good influencer, but I've found a weird community I'm in where I have a kid with a rare medical issue and since the clinical information on it is limited, not well studied long-term, and classically understated, I've actually found myself relying heavily on mommyblogs to read anecdotes about how kids with this disorder have developed and changed as they've grown.
And the blogs are frustratingly full of the mommyblog tropes of #blessed and religious stuff which is.... really not my thing, but they're this critical source of the type of information I'm starving for that I literally cannot find anywhere else. I actually started my own, where I don't post any family photos and I focus on the medical aspects of our lives rather than our #blessed trips to the park because if someone's googling thesyndrome + godlessheathen I want them to find something useful. But I was talking with the product manager at a company that has developed a wearable that might help people with my kid's disease, and when we were talking about their marketing efforts and how they hadn't gotten any traction advertising in Google searches, I was like, of course. This disease manifests totally differently for every kid. Everyone relies on anecdata. Everyone's reading each other's blogs, not WebMD. You have to recruit ambassadors with mommyblogs. And then I sat back and realized what I'd said and I sort of hated myself but... also that's literally the only way, other than a private FB group where every post is basically a microblog about their kid's situation, that information about tools like they developed gets spread throughout the community. Moms classically make all the buying decisions, right? It seems natural that a way of building community *because there was nothing else* gets exploited for advertising, and of course that rewards very specific spins on "imperfection."
posted by olinerd at 12:48 PM on April 18, 2019 [8 favorites]
And the blogs are frustratingly full of the mommyblog tropes of #blessed and religious stuff which is.... really not my thing, but they're this critical source of the type of information I'm starving for that I literally cannot find anywhere else. I actually started my own, where I don't post any family photos and I focus on the medical aspects of our lives rather than our #blessed trips to the park because if someone's googling thesyndrome + godlessheathen I want them to find something useful. But I was talking with the product manager at a company that has developed a wearable that might help people with my kid's disease, and when we were talking about their marketing efforts and how they hadn't gotten any traction advertising in Google searches, I was like, of course. This disease manifests totally differently for every kid. Everyone relies on anecdata. Everyone's reading each other's blogs, not WebMD. You have to recruit ambassadors with mommyblogs. And then I sat back and realized what I'd said and I sort of hated myself but... also that's literally the only way, other than a private FB group where every post is basically a microblog about their kid's situation, that information about tools like they developed gets spread throughout the community. Moms classically make all the buying decisions, right? It seems natural that a way of building community *because there was nothing else* gets exploited for advertising, and of course that rewards very specific spins on "imperfection."
posted by olinerd at 12:48 PM on April 18, 2019 [8 favorites]
I have a hard time with the very conceit of #perfectlyimperfect because it seems like such a tremendous double shakedown of a target audience: First we sold you shit you could buy into the Instagram Mommy expectation, now we're selling you shit to help you fill the gap between your #perfectlyimperfect self and the expectation we still have for you!
Also : I don't connect to those whoopsy-daisy-I'm-telling-it-like-it-is-and-keeping-it-real personae online. I don't like how women are rewarded with money and attention when they deliberately downplay their own authority, power and competence. Heaven forfend a woman should take public pleasure in setting standards for herself or displaying unapologetic mastery of some skill.
posted by sobell at 2:19 PM on April 18, 2019 [7 favorites]
Also : I don't connect to those whoopsy-daisy-I'm-telling-it-like-it-is-and-keeping-it-real personae online. I don't like how women are rewarded with money and attention when they deliberately downplay their own authority, power and competence. Heaven forfend a woman should take public pleasure in setting standards for herself or displaying unapologetic mastery of some skill.
posted by sobell at 2:19 PM on April 18, 2019 [7 favorites]
I have a hard time with the very conceit of #perfectlyimperfect because it seems like such a tremendous double shakedown of a target audience: First we sold you shit you could buy into the Instagram Mommy expectation, now we're selling you shit to help you fill the gap between your #perfectlyimperfect self and the expectation we still have for you!
'Perfectly imperfect' doesn't seem like that to me, from an advertising perspective. Maybe I'm just missing it, but the patriarchy isn't the one that cares about what your kids eat, or how they act when they are not consuming.
Heck, the cheap mass produced crap has higher profit margins, and maybe 'perfectly imperfect' content is secretly sponsored by WalMart and McDonalds but I have my doubts. At best the patriarchy is 'generally' (not all dads yo!) completely neglectful of children- ie they are barely acknowledged as existing. You see it in that in generic suburban design, in that there are like 2 restaurants in the entire US that generally have play-areas, that most cities don't require baby changing stations in public places, that most car makers don't even put latch system connectors in their 3rd row. Who else is supposed to sit back there? In that 'stay at home mom is not considered a 'job'. Daycares aren't next to schools aren't next to offices. School starts at 8:00 and ends at 4:00, work starts at 8:00 and ends at 5:00. And on and on.
So 'perfectly imperfect' can only exist as a pushback against other moms - who are enforcing the partriarchy's wishes for how children should act at the 1000 ft level sure, but on the battlefield is mom vs mom. Moms care what their kids eat (vis a vis what other kids are eating- not talking generically about 'health' or 'lack of food' as a proxy for income here), and how they act when they are not consuming. Whether it's organic enough, breast is best (the patriarchy is saying be sexy or cover that up), etc, are they in the right school clubs, etc.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:58 AM on April 19, 2019
'Perfectly imperfect' doesn't seem like that to me, from an advertising perspective. Maybe I'm just missing it, but the patriarchy isn't the one that cares about what your kids eat, or how they act when they are not consuming.
Heck, the cheap mass produced crap has higher profit margins, and maybe 'perfectly imperfect' content is secretly sponsored by WalMart and McDonalds but I have my doubts. At best the patriarchy is 'generally' (not all dads yo!) completely neglectful of children- ie they are barely acknowledged as existing. You see it in that in generic suburban design, in that there are like 2 restaurants in the entire US that generally have play-areas, that most cities don't require baby changing stations in public places, that most car makers don't even put latch system connectors in their 3rd row. Who else is supposed to sit back there? In that 'stay at home mom is not considered a 'job'. Daycares aren't next to schools aren't next to offices. School starts at 8:00 and ends at 4:00, work starts at 8:00 and ends at 5:00. And on and on.
So 'perfectly imperfect' can only exist as a pushback against other moms - who are enforcing the partriarchy's wishes for how children should act at the 1000 ft level sure, but on the battlefield is mom vs mom. Moms care what their kids eat (vis a vis what other kids are eating- not talking generically about 'health' or 'lack of food' as a proxy for income here), and how they act when they are not consuming. Whether it's organic enough, breast is best (the patriarchy is saying be sexy or cover that up), etc, are they in the right school clubs, etc.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:58 AM on April 19, 2019
Maybe I'm just missing it, but the patriarchy isn't the one that cares about what your kids eat, or how they act when they are not consuming.
No, but they care about you spending money, and identifying/exploiting new insecurities means identifying/monetizing new market opportunities.
The whole "oh it's so hard to meet expectations ... so that's why I now buy organic yogurt in tubes and carry these bespoke muslin cloths! At least the littles' faces are clean while my Honda Odyssey gets grimy! LOL! #sloppymomlife #honda #sponcon " schtick is absolutely there to reinforce those standards while also positing that the only psychological ease women will get is in engaging in rampant consumerism. It's buying into a patriarchal status quo while pretending they're bucking expectations.
And I think plenty of women -- especially women privileged in some way -- have looked at the privileges the patriarchy "lets" them have and decided it's better or easier to profit off the current system than it is to question it or reject it. I don't think it's too much of a coincidence that most women who successfully monetize their parenting experience are white, attractive, hetero-presenting, and least affected by the kinds of shaming they do not hesitate to dish out to others. And I think it's particularly awful how the mommy-'gramming industry, like the mommyblogging industry, sells the same poison dream as the MLM world does: Uphold the social role of mothering while also contributing capital like a good little worker. And if you can't do it, somethings's wrong with you.
posted by sobell at 10:31 AM on April 19, 2019 [6 favorites]
No, but they care about you spending money, and identifying/exploiting new insecurities means identifying/monetizing new market opportunities.
The whole "oh it's so hard to meet expectations ... so that's why I now buy organic yogurt in tubes and carry these bespoke muslin cloths! At least the littles' faces are clean while my Honda Odyssey gets grimy! LOL! #sloppymomlife #honda #sponcon " schtick is absolutely there to reinforce those standards while also positing that the only psychological ease women will get is in engaging in rampant consumerism. It's buying into a patriarchal status quo while pretending they're bucking expectations.
And I think plenty of women -- especially women privileged in some way -- have looked at the privileges the patriarchy "lets" them have and decided it's better or easier to profit off the current system than it is to question it or reject it. I don't think it's too much of a coincidence that most women who successfully monetize their parenting experience are white, attractive, hetero-presenting, and least affected by the kinds of shaming they do not hesitate to dish out to others. And I think it's particularly awful how the mommy-'gramming industry, like the mommyblogging industry, sells the same poison dream as the MLM world does: Uphold the social role of mothering while also contributing capital like a good little worker. And if you can't do it, somethings's wrong with you.
posted by sobell at 10:31 AM on April 19, 2019 [6 favorites]
I missed the editing window here but another factor, I suspect, in marketing motherhood in any commercial iteration:
The U.S. is just so shitty to parents, period. There's no paid parental leave, daycare is becoming increasingly inaccessible and unaffordable, a lot of parents were in shitty workplaces where they lost their jobs after pregnancy or couldn't afford to keep working ... I can see the allure of a side hustle where a parent's just trying to keep the lights on and this seems to offer a possible solution.
I'm not saying that the U.S. rolling out a national policy of paid parental leave and a series of daycare centers a la the Warren plan will eliminate the commercialization of parenthood. But I do think we can't ignore how this industry does a great job of selling everyone on a commerce-based fix and distracting away from the systemic, policy-based circumstances that afflict U.S. citizens.
posted by sobell at 11:01 AM on April 19, 2019 [5 favorites]
The U.S. is just so shitty to parents, period. There's no paid parental leave, daycare is becoming increasingly inaccessible and unaffordable, a lot of parents were in shitty workplaces where they lost their jobs after pregnancy or couldn't afford to keep working ... I can see the allure of a side hustle where a parent's just trying to keep the lights on and this seems to offer a possible solution.
I'm not saying that the U.S. rolling out a national policy of paid parental leave and a series of daycare centers a la the Warren plan will eliminate the commercialization of parenthood. But I do think we can't ignore how this industry does a great job of selling everyone on a commerce-based fix and distracting away from the systemic, policy-based circumstances that afflict U.S. citizens.
posted by sobell at 11:01 AM on April 19, 2019 [5 favorites]
Let's circle back on MLMs because oh how I hate them. Want to have a beer and rage about MLMs? Girl, pull up a stool and sit next to me! I, too, feel like they are cut from the same cloth that created Monetized Mommy Blogs and are a symptom of society's failure to value women beyond their free labor as domestic servants and nurse maids. I listened to Jane Marie's fairly excellent Podcast, "The Dream" and found it really illuminating in terms of the niche that MLMs fall into and the people that are their target demographic. But, whereas MLMs are a flat-out scam, with blogging you at least have some measure of control. You can sell out certain things or you can not. Your investment is in yourself and you don't end up with a roomful of unopened, unsellable 'mom-thoughts' like you would with an MLM. The allure of this kind of capitalization is the same allure, though, that gets people into an MLM - it's entrepreneurial, it's something you can do from home or anywhere, it's independent and there's a community! And, frankly, to go into the work force puts you at the whims of an employer who historically will value you less than any other male co-worker.
I listened to "The Dream" a second time with my husband on a road trip (because I wanted to have quality rage-against-the-MLM discussions with a new audience) and as we were chatting after each episode I kind of started to come around on them. Not that they aren't a scam or predatory or a scourge on society and not that the people behind them shouldn't rot in jail, they should. But, just, maybe there's isn't anything else? Maybe if being home more is the most attractive prospect for your family (it is for me) and you could do that and make just a little money (which is what some on the Podcast say they need...like, under $500 a month?).... is there a better way to get that? The MLMs, of course, make it sound so easy and I aver that you will make more money by just spending that time being frugal and learning about personal finance and maybe doing some kind of odd jobs? A UBI program would probably wipe out hundreds of thousands of MLM customers. That's a good reason for the rich people who profit from MLMs to lobby against it.
These moms who stay home full or part-time because the juggle is just too fucking hard for too little reward, they don't just turn their brains off. They don't stop wanting to do more with their energy, to be rewarded for their effort, to feel connected with the world. They are industrious humans like most all humans. They want to build things, they want to be counted. And they could use a little money!
But, I feel mommy blogs have reached a bit of an end to the road where the path has been explored and that's where something like #perfectlyimperfect comes in. I actually looked into making my own online parenthood journal (mommy blog) when my kid was small because my big career which I went into debt for was crushed in the last recession. I had a little baby and I had some free time and I couldn't get a job. I thought about growing medical marijuana. I explored that quite a bit actually. And I thought about creating a monetized blog. This was about six or more years ago and already, when I looked into it, the field seemed saturated. The low-hanging fruit was already plucked and it seems everyone was trying to become Dooce 2. The mold was set and there were so many people jockeying for position. It didn't seem worth it. But, I can't fault people for going there.
I just checked in on a prominent mom blogger whose life always kind of annoyed the shit out of me while at the same time she was a good writer and I never could figure out how her life worked so that was sort of fascinating. And I see she has had a distinct and personal and huge tragedy in her life and that is the real stuff. That's old school public journaling. Of course, it doesn't sell well. Tragedy doesn't sell as well as frenetic aspiration. The mundane everyday doesn't keep people craving simple solutions to their lives and opening those wallets.
posted by amanda at 2:10 PM on April 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
I listened to "The Dream" a second time with my husband on a road trip (because I wanted to have quality rage-against-the-MLM discussions with a new audience) and as we were chatting after each episode I kind of started to come around on them. Not that they aren't a scam or predatory or a scourge on society and not that the people behind them shouldn't rot in jail, they should. But, just, maybe there's isn't anything else? Maybe if being home more is the most attractive prospect for your family (it is for me) and you could do that and make just a little money (which is what some on the Podcast say they need...like, under $500 a month?).... is there a better way to get that? The MLMs, of course, make it sound so easy and I aver that you will make more money by just spending that time being frugal and learning about personal finance and maybe doing some kind of odd jobs? A UBI program would probably wipe out hundreds of thousands of MLM customers. That's a good reason for the rich people who profit from MLMs to lobby against it.
These moms who stay home full or part-time because the juggle is just too fucking hard for too little reward, they don't just turn their brains off. They don't stop wanting to do more with their energy, to be rewarded for their effort, to feel connected with the world. They are industrious humans like most all humans. They want to build things, they want to be counted. And they could use a little money!
But, I feel mommy blogs have reached a bit of an end to the road where the path has been explored and that's where something like #perfectlyimperfect comes in. I actually looked into making my own online parenthood journal (mommy blog) when my kid was small because my big career which I went into debt for was crushed in the last recession. I had a little baby and I had some free time and I couldn't get a job. I thought about growing medical marijuana. I explored that quite a bit actually. And I thought about creating a monetized blog. This was about six or more years ago and already, when I looked into it, the field seemed saturated. The low-hanging fruit was already plucked and it seems everyone was trying to become Dooce 2. The mold was set and there were so many people jockeying for position. It didn't seem worth it. But, I can't fault people for going there.
I just checked in on a prominent mom blogger whose life always kind of annoyed the shit out of me while at the same time she was a good writer and I never could figure out how her life worked so that was sort of fascinating. And I see she has had a distinct and personal and huge tragedy in her life and that is the real stuff. That's old school public journaling. Of course, it doesn't sell well. Tragedy doesn't sell as well as frenetic aspiration. The mundane everyday doesn't keep people craving simple solutions to their lives and opening those wallets.
posted by amanda at 2:10 PM on April 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
Maybe I'm just missing it, but the patriarchy isn't the one that cares about what your kids eat, or how they act when they are not consuming.
They do. They care about creating anxiety so that you will buy, whether that’s Pampers or organic cotton diaper covers. They want your kids to act beautifully as you load them into your free-leased Lexus SUV (#sponsored) to drive off for a week of #vacay. And not only because it will consume the mom but if she stays home, as she well may in order to shepherd the kids towards the Ivy Leagues, her spouse will have to continue to run your marketing department very very well to afford the organic produce...which, by the way, is available at Walmart.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:44 PM on April 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
They do. They care about creating anxiety so that you will buy, whether that’s Pampers or organic cotton diaper covers. They want your kids to act beautifully as you load them into your free-leased Lexus SUV (#sponsored) to drive off for a week of #vacay. And not only because it will consume the mom but if she stays home, as she well may in order to shepherd the kids towards the Ivy Leagues, her spouse will have to continue to run your marketing department very very well to afford the organic produce...which, by the way, is available at Walmart.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:44 PM on April 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
I say this as someone who was on the inside for the mommy blogging heyday, on the parenting media side.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:46 PM on April 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by warriorqueen at 5:46 PM on April 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
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