I realize this analysis may shock many of you
June 14, 2019 8:02 PM Subscribe
I was already loving this and then absolutely lost it at "Now, let’s compare this with Dirk Nowitzki’s Piss Chart"
posted by jason_steakums at 8:12 PM on June 14, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by jason_steakums at 8:12 PM on June 14, 2019 [15 favorites]
I am not a huge basketball fan, and so I thought I might be missing a reference.
Just explaining to anyone who might be surveilling my internet usage why "Dirk Nowitzki’s Piss" is in my search history.
posted by JDHarper at 8:20 PM on June 14, 2019 [12 favorites]
Just explaining to anyone who might be surveilling my internet usage why "Dirk Nowitzki’s Piss" is in my search history.
posted by JDHarper at 8:20 PM on June 14, 2019 [12 favorites]
Please report back with how your banner ads change
posted by q*ben at 8:32 PM on June 14, 2019 [27 favorites]
posted by q*ben at 8:32 PM on June 14, 2019 [27 favorites]
This is hilarious!
Don't ask why, but I have watched one of the later entries in the franchise, about volleyball this time. As I recall, Buddy doesn't actually do any playing of the volleyball, but serves more as a life coach in that one. Maybe the writers finally got on board with the advanced stats.
Wish the author had called them Buddymetrics, come to think of it.
posted by dbx at 9:02 PM on June 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
Don't ask why, but I have watched one of the later entries in the franchise, about volleyball this time. As I recall, Buddy doesn't actually do any playing of the volleyball, but serves more as a life coach in that one. Maybe the writers finally got on board with the advanced stats.
Wish the author had called them Buddymetrics, come to think of it.
posted by dbx at 9:02 PM on June 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
I, too, lost it at "piss chart". God, but I love overanalyzing the banal (especially in furtherance of satire).
posted by Room 101 at 9:24 PM on June 14, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Room 101 at 9:24 PM on June 14, 2019 [1 favorite]
He's still a good boy.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:17 PM on June 14, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:17 PM on June 14, 2019 [2 favorites]
I will point out that Gus the mule was truly awesome at kicking field goals.
posted by hippybear at 10:25 PM on June 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 10:25 PM on June 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
You guys are leaving out the basketball-playing elephant in the room: Dirk Nowitzki has an empty piss chart, but Draymond Green doesn't.
posted by JHarris at 10:39 PM on June 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by JHarris at 10:39 PM on June 14, 2019 [8 favorites]
Man, I know a dog can't really play basketball. Why do you have to ruin my dreams?
posted by newper at 10:41 PM on June 14, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by newper at 10:41 PM on June 14, 2019 [1 favorite]
There is nothing in the rues that says people and non-people who are terrible at basketball can't play basketball.
posted by seraphine at 11:02 PM on June 14, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by seraphine at 11:02 PM on June 14, 2019 [2 favorites]
Are we acknowledging the shared-universe sequels where Air Bud's puppies the Air Buddies speak English and prevent warlocks from opening portals to hell with the use of tactical farts?
posted by books for weapons at 12:16 AM on June 15, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by books for weapons at 12:16 AM on June 15, 2019 [10 favorites]
22 years and I still can't get over his little fuckin' shoes.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 12:59 AM on June 15, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 12:59 AM on June 15, 2019 [10 favorites]
Not only that, I hear he only reads at a sixth grade level .
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:16 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:16 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
It’s true, Draymond Green secretes an above-league-average amounting urine while posting up on the right block.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:23 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Ghidorah at 2:23 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
That was a lot of words for a truly brilliant take-down of The Golden State Warriors...
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:45 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:45 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
You stand down, sir. You stand down right now.
Let's see LeBron drain shots with half a leg missing.
===
In 1997, Buddy had his right hind leg amputated due to synovial cell sarcoma, a type of cancer that manifests near the joints, although he was still able to shoot hoops.
Six months later Air Buddy died in his sleep due to complications from cancer on February 10, 1998, at his owner's San Diego home. At the time of his death, Buddy was 9 years old. Buddy was a month away from celebrating his 10th birthday. Air Bud: Golden Receiver was dedicated to his memory.
posted by lon_star at 6:18 AM on June 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
Let's see LeBron drain shots with half a leg missing.
===
In 1997, Buddy had his right hind leg amputated due to synovial cell sarcoma, a type of cancer that manifests near the joints, although he was still able to shoot hoops.
Six months later Air Buddy died in his sleep due to complications from cancer on February 10, 1998, at his owner's San Diego home. At the time of his death, Buddy was 9 years old. Buddy was a month away from celebrating his 10th birthday. Air Bud: Golden Receiver was dedicated to his memory.
posted by lon_star at 6:18 AM on June 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
So a feel good story, then
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:25 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:25 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Analytics are fine, but the eye test, man, THE EYE TEST! There are no numbers for a high motor, for hustling to loose balls, for doing the finer things that can't be tracked! He may not have the numbers for your spreadsheets, man, but in this locker room, he is our heart and soul! TAKE THAT FOR DATA!
posted by NoMich at 6:25 AM on June 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by NoMich at 6:25 AM on June 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
You guys are leaving out the basketball-playing elephant in the room: Dirk Nowitzki has an empty piss chart, but Draymond Green doesn't.
This explains Draymond's crotch whacking. He is just trying to help other players get into the flow even though they are the other team. A true sportsman!
posted by srboisvert at 7:43 AM on June 15, 2019
This explains Draymond's crotch whacking. He is just trying to help other players get into the flow even though they are the other team. A true sportsman!
posted by srboisvert at 7:43 AM on June 15, 2019
I reject this attempt to make Air Bud into Air Dud.
posted by nubs at 8:10 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by nubs at 8:10 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
James Boswell, in The Life of Samuel Johnson:
I told him I had been that morning at a meeting of the people called Quakers, where I had heard a woman preach. Johnson: "Sir, a woman's preaching is like a dog'sposted by ricochet biscuit at 8:22 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]walking on his hind legsplaying a strong zone defense. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all."
And now let's do a football-type analysis of Air Bud's concussion injuries.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:58 AM on June 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:58 AM on June 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
There's no rule that says a dog can't suck at basketball.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:03 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:03 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
Notice they don't make these movies with a cat. That's because a cat would straight up humiliate all those kids then sit there casually cleaning it's crotch in front of all of them while the ref calls a Technical for taunting.
The can't don't care.
posted by srboisvert at 10:11 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
The can't don't care.
posted by srboisvert at 10:11 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
I think this more mocks basketball commentary than a dog’s basketball prowess. Still funny.
posted by gryphonlover at 10:30 AM on June 15, 2019
posted by gryphonlover at 10:30 AM on June 15, 2019
The marvel is not that the dog plays basketball well, but that the dog plays basketball at all.
posted by SansPoint at 11:12 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by SansPoint at 11:12 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Let's see him go up against Larry BIRD omgomgomg lololol pfffffart
posted by not_on_display at 9:24 PM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by not_on_display at 9:24 PM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
The puppies spin offs hit Netflix about the same time my parenting standards relaxed out of desperate need. For a time, I watched these movies at least once a day, in both that ambient way and also in a "what is this horror" way.
At first, it was awful. In an Air Bud movie, there's one dog. Its distinguishing attribute? Being a dog. (Which also plays sports.) When there's five of them, the dogs are no longer immediately identifiable, so they each got their own stereotype: Zen dog, rapper dog, dirty dog, hungry dog, and... girl dog.
Once you get past the absurdity of the dogs, you start to get into the absurdity of the plots: at first, people want to kidnap the dogs to breed their own sports playing dogs. Fine. Let's say this is a future where teams of identical looking golden retrievers are put out and play sports to the general confusion of everyone watching. But as we're discussing, Air Bud was not Olympic material, and his kids are even less so.
From here on, the Air Buddies: compete in a sled dog race (Snow Buddies), go to space (Space Buddies), help Santa's dog find the meaning of Christmas (Santa Buddies), fight aforementioned warlock and the forces of evil (Spooky Buddies), some sort of Egypt set movie which sounds hella racist and Netflix didn't pay for (Treasure Buddies), and Super Buddies, a.k.a. Dog Avengers.
The fact that there's seven of these movies (from the makers of MVP: Most Valuable Primate and its two extreme sports sequels) makes the world a stranger place.
Of all the terrible Netflix children's programming, I think the only more absurd is the cartoon remake of Romeo and Juliet for little ones, with all characters portrayed as seals, musical bits and a happily ever after ending.
posted by Anonymous Function at 2:46 AM on June 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
At first, it was awful. In an Air Bud movie, there's one dog. Its distinguishing attribute? Being a dog. (Which also plays sports.) When there's five of them, the dogs are no longer immediately identifiable, so they each got their own stereotype: Zen dog, rapper dog, dirty dog, hungry dog, and... girl dog.
Once you get past the absurdity of the dogs, you start to get into the absurdity of the plots: at first, people want to kidnap the dogs to breed their own sports playing dogs. Fine. Let's say this is a future where teams of identical looking golden retrievers are put out and play sports to the general confusion of everyone watching. But as we're discussing, Air Bud was not Olympic material, and his kids are even less so.
From here on, the Air Buddies: compete in a sled dog race (Snow Buddies), go to space (Space Buddies), help Santa's dog find the meaning of Christmas (Santa Buddies), fight aforementioned warlock and the forces of evil (Spooky Buddies), some sort of Egypt set movie which sounds hella racist and Netflix didn't pay for (Treasure Buddies), and Super Buddies, a.k.a. Dog Avengers.
The fact that there's seven of these movies (from the makers of MVP: Most Valuable Primate and its two extreme sports sequels) makes the world a stranger place.
Of all the terrible Netflix children's programming, I think the only more absurd is the cartoon remake of Romeo and Juliet for little ones, with all characters portrayed as seals, musical bits and a happily ever after ending.
posted by Anonymous Function at 2:46 AM on June 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
I keep coming across all the XYZ Buddies movies at the library and thinking “Nobody could possibly be checking these out, maybe they’re weeders...” but NO. Huge circ. Who is checking these out? What the hell? I guess I blame Paw Patrol.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:59 AM on June 16, 2019
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:59 AM on June 16, 2019
Who is checking these out? What the hell? I guess I blame Paw Patrol.
The last of the seven Air Buddies movies was released in the same month that Paw Patrol premiered. They were plenty successful on their own. Kids love puppies, and these movies were very carefully designed to appeal to kids.
posted by Etrigan at 1:08 PM on June 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
The last of the seven Air Buddies movies was released in the same month that Paw Patrol premiered. They were plenty successful on their own. Kids love puppies, and these movies were very carefully designed to appeal to kids.
posted by Etrigan at 1:08 PM on June 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
Who is checking these out?
Exhausted parents who want to take an hour's nap on the couch.
Or, 5-year-olds who stole their parents' library cards while their parents were sleeping on the couch.
posted by not_on_display at 3:47 PM on June 16, 2019
Exhausted parents who want to take an hour's nap on the couch.
Or, 5-year-olds who stole their parents' library cards while their parents were sleeping on the couch.
posted by not_on_display at 3:47 PM on June 16, 2019
Surely the real Dog Avengers were Krypto's Space Canine Patrol Agents?
posted by Paul Slade at 2:10 AM on June 17, 2019
posted by Paul Slade at 2:10 AM on June 17, 2019
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posted by not_on_display at 8:10 PM on June 14, 2019 [4 favorites]