"Logistics is a bitch, isn't it?"

November 14, 2019 8:31 PM

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGONS: Congrats! Here you go.
ADVENTURERS: What... what is this?
DRAGON: DragCoin. It's my new crypto. Gonna be worth millions, bro
ADVENTURERS: Have you published the blockchain?
DRAGON: HAHAHA listen to little Bill Gates here!

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posted by Johnny Wallflower (39 comments total)

h/t zarq
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:32 PM on November 14, 2019

what
posted by Ahmad Khani at 8:33 PM on November 14, 2019

I, um... I actually have a Black Lotus.
posted by hippybear at 8:36 PM on November 14, 2019 [5 favorites]

(I got it in a booster pack. I'm old and MTG was young back then.)
posted by hippybear at 8:37 PM on November 14, 2019 [3 favorites]

The loot box... So true.
posted by kaibutsu at 9:07 PM on November 14, 2019 [1 favorite]

I have to admit, the hyperinflation issue has crossed my mind before.
posted by mstokes650 at 9:13 PM on November 14, 2019 [1 favorite]

These are excellent! Dragons tho, amirite?
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 9:27 PM on November 14, 2019 [1 favorite]

From MeFi's own garius
posted by knapah at 12:31 AM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Sure, I've got my phone right here! Where do I tap?
ADVENTURERS: What.
DRAGON: Y'know? Venmo? Stripe? Apple Pay!
ADVENTURERS: ...
DRAGON: Do you even 21st century?
posted by Eleven at 2:49 AM on November 15, 2019 [7 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Great! The chest is right over there.
ADVENTURERS: ... but it's locked?
DRAGON: Luckily for you I have a sale on right now. Basic keys are just 29.99, Hyper keys are 59.99, and just for you, I can get you one of the super rare, limited edition keys for just 99.99!
ADVENTURERS: You're selling the keys?
DRAGON: Hey, I just gave you a whole chest for free. Don't you want to see what's in your chest?
posted by Eleven at 3:12 AM on November 15, 2019 [21 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Okay, do you want that in XP, reputation, scrap, cosmetic vouchers, blood vials, metaballs or unicorn clippings?
posted by Eleven at 3:26 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

So clever and funny!
posted by merriment at 4:37 AM on November 15, 2019

From MeFi's own garius

And in honour of that, here is a Metafilter Exclusive Episode:

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Previously
ADVENTURERS: What?
DRAGON: I'm just saying... previously.
ADVENTURERS: But that was FOUR YEARS AGO
DRAGON: I wish I could help, honestly I do, but I don't make the rules...

_{I kid because I love}
posted by garius at 4:58 AM on November 15, 2019 [52 favorites]

Apropos, I remember someone did the math on dragon hordes in D&D (it was a while ago, and probably the entire economy's been revamped...) and the important thing to remember is that gold is very heavy and so a given weight of gold is smaller than you might expect. Apparently the average dragon horde fits in a 2-liter bottle with room to spare. Not exactly something the dragon could lounge around on, Smaug-like.
posted by jackbishop at 5:07 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

ADVENTURER: I'm here for the treasure. How much is it worth?
DRAGON: twenty bucks same as in town
posted by lalochezia at 5:20 AM on November 15, 2019 [14 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Here's a perfectly good kid's bike helmet, just needs a new strap, some tupperware ... can't believe someone was trying to get rid of this half of a chair!
ADVENTURERS: ...
DRAGON: This your first time on Hoarders?
posted by Comrade_robot at 5:24 AM on November 15, 2019 [18 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: All your base are belong to us!
ADVENTURERS: What?
DRAGON: Galaxy brain! Picard facepalm!
ADVENTURERS: ...
DRAGON: I've got memes.
ADVENTURERS: ...
DRAGON: Lots of memes.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:27 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

Btw, one of things I've been enjoying watching in my mentions is the people who spot that the Dragon is doing this deliberately.
posted by garius at 5:38 AM on November 15, 2019 [6 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Can you wait a bit?
ADVENTURERS: Why?
DRAGON: New shipment's coming soon. Hang around and you can take that too.
ADVENTURERS: what
DRAGON: You think this cave fills itself? I've got at least forty box subscriptions delivering every month.
ADVENTURERS: That's absurd! How are you paying for this?
DRAGON: I got bored of gold and it turns out you humans seem to love the stuff. I set up some accounts and paid--
[buzzer rings twice]
DRAGON: That should be it. Today I'm expecting Fitbit Wristband of the Month Club, Keto Granola, and Leggings Galore.
ADVENTURERS: Uh... well, does the granola have raisins in it?
posted by ardgedee at 6:03 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: we're here for your treasure
DRAGON: [tearing up] have a good time at prom, sweetums
posted by phooky at 6:03 AM on November 15, 2019 [20 favorites]

The Dragon is a troll of epic proportion
posted by nubs at 6:16 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

These remind me somewhat of Lore's "Monster Manual Comix" on the apparently defunct badgods website. Wasnt' able to find an archive anywhere, although admittedly I did not try too hard so perhaps someone else will have more luck.
posted by hearthpig at 6:48 AM on November 15, 2019

Apparently the average dragon horde fits in a 2-liter bottle with room to spare.

No, the dragon definitely has a large hoard to lounge on (though for comfort's sake, it's actually a beanbag chair with gold coins on top). The 2-liter bottle amount is the max amount that your party can take back to the town.

It's pretty similar to how you could shoot 12 elk and 4 bison in Oregon Trail, but you could only ever bring a max of 100 lbs of meat to you wagon.
posted by explosion at 7:18 AM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Excellent! Right this way, the presentation will start shortly
ADVENTURERS: Presentation?
DRAGON: Just a short one. About the timeshare opportunity.
ADVENTURERS: Time share?
DRAGON: And afterwards, you get your free gift!
posted by nubs at 7:27 AM on November 15, 2019 [17 favorites]

DRAGON: I'm here for your treasure?
ADVENTURERS (in unison): !dlrow sdrawkcab ot emocleW
posted by lalochezia at 7:53 AM on November 15, 2019 [4 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Hold up! I don't usually deal with cannibals.
ADVENTURERS: Wait, wha? How did you know?
DRAGON: C'mon, I can smell it on your breath! Everybody in the magic forest knows!
ADVENTURERS: But, but, but....
DRAGON: Listen, I want you to sit and think about the consequences of your actions, and maybe, just maybe, you'll finally realize that the real treasure was the friends you ate along the way.
posted by Chrischris at 8:05 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Here, have this list of the best 100 movies of the 2010s! And if you don't like movies, here are the best 100 novels! How about video games?
ADVENTURERS: We want treasure not lists!
...
ADVENTURERS: Hey let me see that list, I think it's wrong...
posted by treepour at 8:06 AM on November 15, 2019 [5 favorites]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Here, my brothers, is my treasure, I am happy to share.
ADVENTURERS: *unfurls banner* "Peace on Earth"?
DRAGON: Your just reward!
posted by nubs at 9:47 AM on November 15, 2019 [7 favorites]

Apparently the average dragon horde fits in a 2-liter bottle with room to spare.

Not in early (A)D&D. In 1st Ed, all coins were roughly the size of a US silver dollar and weighed about 1 oz, so, 16 coins to the pound. (They ignored the whole "troy ounce" concept.)

There was an article in Dragon Magazine at some point, describing the traits of the hypothetical metal each of the coins had been alloyed with, and the percentage of this other metal, to make copper and gold coins weigh the same at the same size.

So hauling out a dragon's hoard became, "how many silver dollars can you carry?" A backpack full? Sure. Between the party, with a bit of ingenuity with making an impromptu sledge, maybe you can haul 500 lbs of coins, right? So... 8000 gp. Of course, you'll have to drop all the silver and copper you've collected so far. And that's if you're not carrying wounded comrades or other bulky gear.

No wonder dragons have huge hoards, no matter how many adventurers they encounter. The average adventuring party can only carry out a couple thousand gold.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:37 AM on November 15, 2019

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Alright, give me the particulars of your patent and where you are in the application process with USPTO.
ADVENTURERS: What?
DRAGON: Don't waste my time, I'm usually billing clients at $550/ hour on IP representation
ADVENTURERS: We want your treasure!
DRAGON: Getting an engineering degree, a CS degree, going to law school, and being a registered patent attorney isn't cheap. Now, do you have any drawings or descriptions of what you're hoping to patent?
posted by LeRoienJaune at 12:29 PM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

mstokes650: "I have to admit, the hyperinflation issue has crossed my mind before."

I'm reminded of multiplex's articles from Critical Hits. I loved them so much.
posted by charred husk at 1:00 PM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Here, my brothers, is my treasure, I am happy to share.
ADVENTURERS: *unfurls banner* "Peace on Earth"?
DRAGON: Your just reward!

"It's bringing peace on Earth, don't let it get away!" "Roll for initiative!"
posted by haileris23 at 1:00 PM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

> "The average adventuring party can only carry out a couple thousand gold."

That's what bags of holding and portable holes are for.

Also, convert as much as possible to gems. Saves so much space and weight.

These are crucial techniques when you have a GM who calculates your encumbrance down to your damn shoelaces.
posted by kyrademon at 1:06 PM on November 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

Also, we didn't have any "spell component pouches" when I was a kid, so if you were a magic user who wanted to cast a lightning bolt you'd better have an amber rod and a piece of fur on hand, and if you started running out of amber rods in the middle of the Desert of Desolation you had to pray you'd find some somewhere in that big pyramid or suddenly you were just some jerk in a robe with a +1 Dagger in the middle of a combat and grumble grumble grumble actually it kind of sucked and I'm glad they changed it.
posted by kyrademon at 1:12 PM on November 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

Monster Manual Comix can be found in the Wayback Machine through a kludgy calendar interface archive of badgods.com. Poking around on this page brought many of them up for me.
posted by hippybear at 5:59 PM on November 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

I will admit it was pretty hilarious how excited I was to find a cave FULL OF BAT GUANO that I could dig up and collect so I could cast fireball again.

Kind of hard not to wonder now what my magic user smelled like.
posted by kyrademon at 1:34 AM on November 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Kind of hard not to wonder now what my magic user smelled like.

I've always assumed that D&D wizards smell like that guy who's always lurking in the farm shop, wearing the same sweater with suspicious stains on it.
posted by garius at 1:55 AM on November 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

ADVENTURERS: We're here for our plums!
DRAGON: Oh, the ones in the icebox?
ADVENTURERS: Yes, we were saving them for breakfast.
DRAGON: Forgive me, they were delicious.
posted by automatronic at 3:34 AM on November 16, 2019 [5 favorites]

> Kind of hard not to wonder now what my magic user smelled like.

After hearing D&D adventurers describes as “murder hobos”, I’ve had a pretty good idea of what any of them smell like.
posted by ardgedee at 5:54 AM on November 16, 2019