user RedPooD2thehemodroid has offered an authoritative answer

May 6, 2020 10:28 AM

How big are dicks in Skyrim? [Reddit] “Since my friend and I have been fiercely debating this, I would like to see the community's thoughts on what we have come up with. All of this is open for discussion, but I would prefer that you use evidence rather than personal bias. [...] As for the question about the shape of a Khajiits’ appendage raised by user Mrvalenti2000, it seems actual official Elder Scrolls lore has got that one covered – according to this Daggerfall: The Real Barenziah, Part III extract, their penises have “tiny little barbs”.” [via: PCGamesN] [Warning NSFW: discussion of dick.]

Imperial- 5"
Breton- 4.5"
Nord-6"
Redguard- 5.5"
Altmer- 6.5"
Dunmer- 5"
Bosmer- 3.5"
Orc- 7"
Khajiit- 5"
Argonian- 6"
Metric for literally every other country Imperial- 12.5cm
Breton- 11.5cm
Nord- 15cm
Redguard- 14cm
Altmer- 16.5cm
Dunmer- 12.5cm
Bosmer- 9cm
Orc- 17.5cm
Khajiit- 12.5cm
Argonian- 15cm

RedPooD2thehemodroid, has offered an authoritative answer to end all answers.

“Aight you idiots let's get down to brass tacks.

Length isn't everything, girth matters too.

Non-combat or stealth focused races are less likely to be in shape, so they have inferior bloodflow to the cock. This will not be accounted for in this report.

Height is more likely to correspond with length, so peepee length is roughly proportional to height.

So by MW standards: altmer(1.1)>nord(1.06)>orc(1.05)>argonian(1.03)>redguard(1.02)>every one else(1)>bosmer (.9)

Likewise, a race's propensity for thiccness (weight) should also correspond to girth

MW: orc(1.35)>nord=imperial(1.25)>redguard=argonian(1.1)>everybody else>bosmer(.95)

Now, the cock volume is proportional to length*girth2 (remember, it doesn't matter whether girth is measured by circumference, diameter, or radius, as those are all proportional to one another c=πd=2πr)

After factoring in some other vital criteria – like the various races’ unique abilities – the user arrives at the all-important order of penis-size-per-race:

Orc (best case); Redguard; Argonian; Nord; Imperial; Breton; Altmer; Bosmer; Dunmer; Orc (worst case); Khajiit.

posted by Fizz (35 comments total)

Look- size doesn’t matter, skill matters, and the Dunmer tribunal/reclamations have a god/goddess/both because vivec of literal sex magic so- as with all things- go dark elf.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 10:55 AM on May 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

The barbed penis thing is kind of a shame because you have to assume the Khajit have a pretty solid chassis in terms of like haunch musculature that could be a real qualitative standout otherwise.
posted by cortex at 11:05 AM on May 6, 2020 [8 favorites]

It should be noted that I have a google alert set up for the terms: "skyrim" & "elder scrolls". Reading this headline on my phone was interesting. This is not a subject or a headline I ever expected to get a breaking alert for. Yet here we are.
posted by Fizz at 11:09 AM on May 6, 2020 [12 favorites]

We can agree that the Gears of War penises are very small, right?
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 11:21 AM on May 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

haunch musculatures LOL
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:24 AM on May 6, 2020

every day we stray further from gods light
posted by lalochezia at 11:27 AM on May 6, 2020 [24 favorites]

There was a time when I was very excited to install nude mods in games that let you take clothes off bodies. Seemed more realistic. But sadly, i had to really hunt for one that included nude male genitalia. Looks like that's changed since my day, thankfully.
posted by rebent at 11:34 AM on May 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

I am pretty sure all of these numbers are much smaller than anything the Schlongs of Skyrim mod is gonna add. (NSFW, everything on loverslab.com is very NSFW.)
posted by egypturnash at 11:49 AM on May 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

All Khajiit should have six nipples.
posted by SoberHighland at 11:55 AM on May 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

Skyrim is pretty cold but I don't see any accounting for shrinkage. So there's a topic for a future paper.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 12:01 PM on May 6, 2020 [4 favorites]

Well folks, I fell down That Hole and ended up Googling "human pearly penile papules" as possibly vestigial penis spines similar to what cats pack normally and I gotta find something else to do now.
posted by SoberHighland at 12:06 PM on May 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

Heck, play Age of Conan. Then there will be no question.
posted by Splunge at 12:25 PM on May 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

This is not a subject or a headline I ever expected to get a breaking alert for.

Methinks Fizz doth protest too much.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:26 PM on May 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

Heck, play Age of Conan. Then there will be no question.

Age of Conan is where I learned of the phrase: "dick slider", something that could easily be overheard in the film Boogie Nights.
posted by Fizz at 12:35 PM on May 6, 2020 [1 favorite]

Khajit has wares haunch musculature if you have coin.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:16 PM on May 6, 2020 [5 favorites]

Complicating matters, the Khajit have multiple sub-types depending on the phase of the moon. Given that they range in size from a housecat to as big as a large horse, I doubt there is a single penis size.

This is before we get into the Argonians and their symbiotic relationship with sentient trees that worship the primal outer darkness. Argonians consume the sap of these trees in a ceremony that apparently can determine their gender and growth patterns. So that's another wrinkle, the Argonians probably have penises however large as the sentient trees feel are necessary to serve the goals of the primal darkness.

Elder Scrolls is great because it looks like a standard sword and sorcery universe, but the deeper you go the more utterly bonkers it gets.
posted by Grimgrin at 1:31 PM on May 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

In a world where lizard ladies have boobs, every single assumption they make here about biology is questionable. I'm not even sure we can even trust that formula for calculating volume. Does pi even have the same value in Skyrim?
posted by straight at 1:32 PM on May 6, 2020 [10 favorites]

In fairness, the lizard ladies only have boobs because the trees that created them only had intelligent mammalian species as a template. Not knowing anything about animal reproduction, they concluded the boobs must be important somehow, probably, and stuck them on.
posted by a power-tie-wearing she-capitalist at 1:58 PM on May 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

And yet somehow Khajiit still lack the standard 6-8 nipples they should have on their body.
posted by Fizz at 2:12 PM on May 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

Only seems small until A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON.
posted by dephlogisticated at 2:13 PM on May 6, 2020 [7 favorites]

and I gotta find something else to do now

Is this the quarantine version of "I'll be in my bunk"?
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:31 PM on May 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

I don't know what I was expecting to get from this thread, but now I can't stop hearing "human pearly penile papules" to the tune of "Flying Purple People Eater."

Thanks?
posted by Graygorey at 2:57 PM on May 6, 2020 [10 favorites]

every day we stray further from gods light

you're gonna have to be more specific, they got a whole lot of 'em in Tamriel

Does pi even have the same value in Skyrim?

well if you accidentally take one of someone's shelf the guards will come after you, so
posted by cortex at 2:58 PM on May 6, 2020 [8 favorites]

Among primates, penis length does not correlate simply with size. Average human penis size is 13 cm, but this is matched by chimps. For gorillas it's 6 cm.

On (or in) the other hand, chimps are way ahead in ball size, with testes more than three times the size of a human's.

This is all due to differing behavior patterns. Chimps have enormous balls due to sperm competition: there's a lot of sex so the males want to deliver as much sperm as possible. Gorilla males monopolize females by force, so they don't put any energy into genital configuration.

All of which is to say that "peepee length is roughly proportional to height" is poor methodology. You'd want to look at the ancestral behavior of the species involved.
posted by zompist at 3:09 PM on May 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

I can't stop hearing "human pearly penile papules" to the tune of "Flying Purple People Eater."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
posted by paper chromatographologist at 3:12 PM on May 6, 2020 [7 favorites]

I don't know what I was expecting to get from this thread, but now I can't stop hearing "human pearly penile papules" to the tune of "Flying Purple People Eater."

for me it was:
human pearly penile papules
heroes in a half-shell
TURTLE POWER!
posted by taquito sunrise at 3:12 PM on May 6, 2020 [5 favorites]

If you're going to choose that as a topic to explore and you don't immediately -- and perhaps exclusively -- focus on discussing the dragons, then there's probably no help for you.

I mean, do hemipenes count as a multiplier or an additive bonus?
posted by sourcequench at 3:26 PM on May 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

so they don't put any energy into genital configuration.

Neither do I. It sounds exhausting.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:13 PM on May 6, 2020 [4 favorites]

You're going to make me link to this strip from The Order of the Stick, aren't you?
posted by dannyboybell at 5:46 PM on May 6, 2020 [1 favorite]

I can't stop hearing "human pearly penile papules" to the tune of "Flying Purple People Eater."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

teenage mutant ninja turtles variants...forever...
posted by lazaruslong at 6:03 PM on May 6, 2020

It's all penile fun and games until Sheogorath points his Wabbajack at it.
posted by delfin at 6:39 PM on May 6, 2020 [4 favorites]

You know, penis lengths just aren’t impressive in metric units.
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 7:15 PM on May 6, 2020 [1 favorite]

That's why you give 'em in angstroms.
posted by zompist at 7:20 PM on May 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

hangstroms, surely
posted by lazaruslong at 7:54 PM on May 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

You're going to make me link to this strip from The Order of the Stick, aren't you?

No, but don't let that stop you.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:36 PM on May 6, 2020 [1 favorite]