All marriage is gay marriage now. There is no need to file new paperwork

January 25, 2021 8:15 PM

A CONSERVATIVE’S GUIDE TO PREPARING FOR A BIDEN PRESIDENCY

satire, needless to say

posted by queen anne's remorse (42 comments total)

Highlights/alternative headline candidates include:
• "Gather your guns and place them in the government-approved rainbow trash bag."
• "Don’t worry if food gets on the guns. We’re throwing them all in one big dumpster we’ve established at the foot of Mount Rushmore."
• "Start smoking weed immediately. If you’ve been smoking weed this whole time, start brewing ayahuasca."
• "Mandatory drug tests will be performed to ensure you’re doing enough drugs every day."
• "Every citizen will be required to obtain at least one abortion each year that Joe Biden is in office. If you are not already pregnant, Joe Biden will correct that some time in the coming months."
• "Join your local coven. America is a Wiccan nation now. Our true leader is The Goddess, and our Constitution, the Wind."
• "Whatever car you drive, you will be provided with a smaller, more economic model. People who already drive Smartcars will be provided with recumbent bicycles."
• "From now on, the adage, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down,” will be federally enforced."
• "Bill Gates is going to come to your residence to administer it personally. Please be sure to offer him some vegan meat."
posted by queen anne's remorse at 8:18 PM on January 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

something something parody is indistinguishable form reality now... I've got relatives who've basically shared posts saying basically all this seriously
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:19 PM on January 25, 2021 [18 favorites]

Ok but when do they come install the solar panels, and can I get my own tiny wind turbine?

Also what flushing? Aren't we getting composting toilets?

I'm single, are they going to find the rest of my throuple for me or what.
posted by emjaybee at 8:25 PM on January 25, 2021 [20 favorites]

I don't have a smart car, can I still get the recumbent? Can I cash in Wiccan points for that?
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:32 PM on January 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

I don't have a smart car, can I still get the recumbent? Can I cash in Wiccan points for that?

You can redeem those for a flying broom.
posted by otherchaz at 8:36 PM on January 25, 2021 [10 favorites]

Whatever car you drive, you will be provided with a smaller, more economic model.

Okay now wait just a goldurn minute! A step too far, Joe...a step too far.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:42 PM on January 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

This is really disappointing. I was told that everyone would be legally required to use the women's restroom. The "T" in "mandatory LGBT dystopia" is not silent!
posted by J.K. Seazer at 8:43 PM on January 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

taco truck on every corner would be pretty handy nowadays

I’ve been musing for years about how to set that up without compressors and with adequate rest and restroom for the workers
posted by clew at 8:50 PM on January 25, 2021 [9 favorites]

Still nothing about student loan debt forgiveness. Smh
posted by Mizu at 8:56 PM on January 25, 2021 [9 favorites]

...is Bill Gates vegan.

"Bill Gates is not vegan. He was vegetarian for a year during his 20s, but later returned to his carnivorous diet and still cites hamburgers as one of his favorite foods.Dec 15, 2020"
posted by firstdaffodils at 8:56 PM on January 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

Expect to see your worst uncle unironically sharing this on Facebook like "HELL if I'm buying vegan meat for Bill Gates!!!!!"
posted by potrzebie at 9:03 PM on January 25, 2021 [10 favorites]

After the mandatory pot brownies, he'll even eat seitan.
posted by bonehead at 9:03 PM on January 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

In Biden's America and under Liberal Cultural Revolution conservatives will have to declare:

"I'm in a straight marriage. My pronouns are he/him. I drive a fuel car." And they shall have to show us their guns and tax returns.

MUAHAHA!
posted by ichomp at 9:21 PM on January 25, 2021 [9 favorites]

I’ve been waiting for a word to mean “satire of satire (that is/becomes reality)” to describe things like this since Colbert was invited to Bush’s Correspondence Dinner. Perhaps Baudrillard predicted this... simulacra it is!

It all feels so depressingly and confusingly post-modern “I don’t know which is reality anymore, was McSweeneys a Trumpian Patriot Party plant all along!?” I’m sure Q predicted this.
posted by rubatan at 9:50 PM on January 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

1968: a California conceptual comedy troupe projects out into the hippies actually taking over the culture in The Firesign Theatre's Le Trente-Huit Cunegonde. Groovy.

Truly of a similar stock, I think.
posted by hippybear at 10:18 PM on January 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

...is Bill Gates vegan.

"Bill Gates is not vegan. He was vegetarian for a year during his 20s, but later returned to his carnivorous diet and still cites hamburgers as one of his favorite foods.Dec 15, 2020"

Bill Gates is a major investor in Impossible Foods, hence the "offer him some vegan meat" bit.
posted by reventlov at 10:21 PM on January 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

satire, needless to say

I wish it was. Professional hand wringer Rod Dreher was well ahead of the curve. He's been going on and on for years about the "soft totalitarianism" of the Democrats/Left, which means people will think poorly of him for being a bigot, and manages to make what goes on between everyone's legs his business. Asked about the "hard totalitarianism" of the Right, and all he can do is stand there with his ass blowing in the wind, at least being self aware enough to know that his side has presided over some failures so tremendously lopsided and egregious so as to change the subject faster than a cat on fire.

Satire died light years back. Who knows when/if it's coming back?
posted by 2N2222 at 10:25 PM on January 25, 2021 [7 favorites]

Hmm. I don’t know about Impossible, but Beyond’s brats are really damn tasty. Do you think Bill Gates accepts competitor vegan meat?
posted by nat at 10:42 PM on January 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

Jon-evil,

The phrase is Poe's law. It is not that satire is dead, but that satire can never seem to go far enough. Humans have a diversity of opinions and sometimes those opinions are so far up the a$$ of madness that the actions of Florida Man seem reasonable in comparison. Who can compete with the Conspiracy Singularity [previously on MeFi..]. No idea of a sane writer is so far out that some bugf#ck nuts whack job wasn't, a) there first and b) kept going further out.

I have been told that Kenneth Hite has said, "Thank you crazy people for coming up with this stuff so I don't have to," and I can believe it. He takes the crazy, irons it out a little, and Cthulu or vampires running things seems tame compared to a vast semi-public Satanic pedophile ring involving people under intense amounts of public scrutiny run out of the nonexistent basement of a pizza parlor.

The kind of paranoia that requires an ordered universe with a clear chain of good and evil, that can be pinned to specific individuals making all the decisions that matter, mandates that this kind of worldview which is detached from all nuance and complex interaction be acted upon. It makes humor sad.
posted by Ignorantsavage at 12:03 AM on January 26, 2021 [10 favorites]

All men are now required to wear jewelry. Men, please wear at least two rings and one turquoise power brooch at all times. You may alternate one ring with a leather bracelet of your choosing.

Seven pieces of flair optional.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:48 AM on January 26, 2021 [5 favorites]

Whatever car you drive, you will be provided with a smaller, more economic model.

I am intrigued. I drive a K-series Smart Car (several inches narrower than a regular Smart Car). I mean, I'm game to try, but I'm not sure how my husband and I can fit into anything smaller.
posted by tumbling at 1:24 AM on January 26, 2021 [3 favorites]

@hippybear Beat the Reaper, Tom Swift said eponysterically.
posted by away for regrooving at 1:26 AM on January 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

It's a bit of an uncomfortable read because I've seen this sort of stuff shared unironically. Like, where is the satire in saying that a Democratic administration will make people turn in their guns? It's literally repeating a Republican talking point. Just saying that they'll have to be deposited in rainbow-coloured bags doesn't make it intrinsically ridiculous.
posted by Joe in Australia at 1:51 AM on January 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

Flair counts will be recorded in your permanent blockchain ledger via the newly implanted Biden microchip.
posted by srboisvert at 2:14 AM on January 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

Satire is fun, but taking guns away from crazy, angry, violent people, and putting them into a garbage bag, that does sound like pretty smart policy.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 2:23 AM on January 26, 2021 [15 favorites]

I am legit wondering how some of these would poll #paint-all-guns-pink
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 4:08 AM on January 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

None of this is as ridiculous as what Qanoners believe and circulate among each other. And some of it are things they already believe anyway.
posted by at by at 4:45 AM on January 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

Still waiting for my throuple, y’all.
posted by thivaia at 5:15 AM on January 26, 2021 [4 favorites]

It's way too similar to the crazy. And the crazy is exhausting.
posted by From Bklyn at 6:24 AM on January 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

The lefty social media joke format of reposting right-wing scare comics with "I wish" "where do I sign up" "this is awesome actually".
posted by subdee at 6:35 AM on January 26, 2021 [3 favorites]

I'm single, are they going to find the rest of my throuple for me or what.

Single people will be upgraded to douples, once someone at Berkeley figures out what that is.
posted by InfidelZombie at 6:41 AM on January 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

For years now I've been responding to extremist conservatives that legal gay marriage is just the first step to mandatory gay marriage. It does tend to make them shut up for a short while.
posted by hypnogogue at 7:59 AM on January 26, 2021 [5 favorites]

Just saying that they'll have to be deposited in rainbow-coloured bags doesn't make it intrinsically ridiculous.

A Republican facebook friend took a picture of a rainbow IKEA bag the other day and said Ikea was virtue signalling.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:00 AM on January 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

This is a really funny and well-written article. Queen Anne's remorse, thanks for posting it.
posted by yankeefog at 8:07 AM on January 26, 2021

Agreed, I enjoyed this!
posted by Too-Ticky at 8:10 AM on January 26, 2021

I’ve been musing for years about how to set that up without compressors and with adequate rest and restroom for the workers

I think you mean generators, and I will point out that every streetlight has an electrical circuit, although it's both illegal,and you-WILL-die-if-you-try-it levels of unsafe to tap into them, they COULD be fitted with NEMA 14-30 sockets to provide safe electricity to vendors, although some d-bag with an electric car will probably cause trouble.
posted by mikelieman at 8:13 AM on January 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

The problem here is that each side, the left and the right can no longer see the satire in things. We all need to learn to compromise. There is plenty here with which to work. Let's start with the weed thing. Check. We can all agree that smoking weed would mellow out the population. The government could put up posters that say, "Don't harsh my mellow". Ok, so the guns thing won't work. But we can all get behind free trash bags no matter what color or rainbow of colors they are, amirite? Mandatory drug tests? Ha, we can't even test for Covid. But that is a job creation law. More union jobs. Monitors to watch you pee, the test analyzers, the folks who have to report the stats, the cops to come arrest you, the jailers, the list goes on and on. American jobs! Who is against that? Mt. Rushmore? Sure, pile things up at the foot and we can all come and watch. We already do that. It is called Sturgis. Just have to give an American made Harley to every family and we can all go. There is common ground here I say. Come on sheeple. Let's all hug it out.
posted by AugustWest at 8:28 AM on January 26, 2021 [3 favorites]

Along these lines, there was a Doonesbury strip in '84 that contrasted life in a Reagan America with life under Walter Mondale.

Via the LoC: Walter Mondale's America: "Five bucks for a quart of milk? Psst! Billy! want some coke? I'm off for my abortion, dear."
posted by the sobsister at 9:12 AM on January 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

^ I am trying to imagine a US of A where Mondale took the 1984 election with Geraldine Ferraro as his running mate.

The Reagan years really helped shaped the now. Man it's depressing.
posted by elkevelvet at 9:51 AM on January 26, 2021 [3 favorites]

Like, where is the satire in saying that a Democratic administration will make people turn in their guns? It's literally repeating a Republican talking point.

It is a Biden administration talking point (where "assault weapons" presumably means AR-15s and "high capacity" means anything over 10 rounds):
Biden will also institute a program to buy back weapons of war currently on our streets. This will give individuals who now possess assault weapons or high-capacity magazines two options: sell the weapons to the government, or register them under the National Firearms Act.
posted by King Bee at 4:59 AM on January 27, 2021

A Republican facebook friend took a picture of a rainbow IKEA bag the other day and said Ikea was virtue signalling.

I have to admit that Republicans really are pretty excellent at hiding their virtue.
posted by srboisvert at 5:50 AM on January 27, 2021 [4 favorites]

Hilarious, but if I post it my rightie relatives will probably take it seriously and freak out.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 2:08 PM on January 27, 2021