This Parenting Book Actually Made Me a Better Parent

January 31, 2021 1:28 PM

‘How to Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk’ "The most important thing the Book has done is insist that I put myself in my child’s shoes rather than scream about where she leaves them. ... I have gotten a lot of bittersweet mileage out of the Book’s directive: “Give the child her wishes in fantasy,” a suggestion from the section on “Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings.” She and I conjure up outsize birthday-party ideas for after the pandemic, or a yearlong road trip in an R.V. with every single one of our friends and a lot of animals too. She is planning a sleepover that lasts two weeks or maybe eight! whole! months!"
posted by folklore724 (24 comments total)

This has always been my mom's favorite parenting book. Haven't read it but I guess I've lived it.
posted by little onion at 1:43 PM on January 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

Please also consider Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort.

Brings up some crucial conversations like how we, as parents, bring our own patterns, beliefs and trauma - and how to work with them. Also, sibling jealousy + violence between siblings. Leadership without coercion, without punishment and rewards. Building life-lasting trusting, healthy, connected relationships with your children.

I teach nonviolent parenting practices and this book is at the top of my recommendation list.

Also, Playful Parenting.
posted by andreinla at 2:32 PM on January 31, 2021 [16 favorites]

Somehow I don’t think you’d be wasting your time applying most of these tips to adults.
posted by Captain Chesapeake at 2:32 PM on January 31, 2021 [10 favorites]

I can't even open this in a private tab.

I read a book called Motherless Daughters or something like that because I am an orphan magnet and it really helped me understand people who grow up without one or with a cold one.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 3:25 PM on January 31, 2021

The key thing is that this book has cartoons that illustrate all the points because if you're a parent you definitely don't have time to read a book.

I had twin daughters and I feel like this book saved my wife and I from making a bunch of mistakes that were obvious as soon as you see the cartoons about them. The text of the book might have been good too. I don't remember.

We of course made other mistakes that the book didn't warn us about.
posted by straight at 3:33 PM on January 31, 2021 [14 favorites]

I might also be thinking of the other Farber book, Siblings Without Rivalry which also has cartoons that helped us avoid some parenting mistakes.
posted by straight at 3:37 PM on January 31, 2021 [4 favorites]

Somehow I don’t think you’d be wasting your time applying most of these tips to adults.

Ding Ding Ding! It's a good book because it's about how to communicate by respecting people. And kids are people!
posted by straight at 3:42 PM on January 31, 2021 [13 favorites]

I use this book in my leadership training for camp/childcare staff, as I was trained using it in 1986, and I highly recommend it.

It also changed my life in 1986 because I could identify when people weren’t talking to me respectfully.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:12 PM on January 31, 2021 [6 favorites]

Will check it out and thanks. We're big fans of the Hand in Hand organization, see Listen by the founder Patty Wipfler. I think this is where I'm supposed to say that I was so grateful that I started volunteering for the organization, and now I'm kind of on the Board. And too? 13 years down the road, I'm still just about as grateful (and my kid is happy and I'm proud of him, yup. It's a good feeling...)
posted by emmet at 5:15 PM on January 31, 2021

My kids love reading this book on their own over and over again... I was skeptical about how much truly gets through to them, but a few months ago my 12 year old called out his dad using terminology from this book, like, "Hey, instead of yelling at me to not bother you, why don't you listen to my feelings? Even older kids need to that sometimes." Reader, I died on the spot.

They came for the cartoons, stayed for the accessible relationship lessons! Best parenting book ever.
posted by MiraK at 5:28 PM on January 31, 2021 [36 favorites]

How to Talk is on my recommended reading list as a special ed teacher, but honestly it applies to all kids. All people really. Good book.
posted by Wretch729 at 6:30 PM on January 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

The article ends on the note that this really and truly is our life, time is really passing, and whatever the conditions are, if we have kids, this is their childhood. The message that the pandemic is not “a pause” but rather our actual lives has been popping up for me a lot lately and appreciate an additional reminder. Thanks for posting.
posted by CMcG at 6:35 PM on January 31, 2021 [9 favorites]

PS: to practice the fantasy part — I wish I could gave the in person relationship with my nephews that I’ve always wanted.
posted by CMcG at 6:36 PM on January 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

This is such a good book! I love it and I've recommended it. Best part is each chapter has a one page summary (good for posting on the refrigerator) as well as great "Do" and "Don't" cartoons.

And recently, I quoted Siblings Without Rivalry to say "Fair Doesn't Mean Equal" - a winning argument at the time.
posted by metahawk at 6:55 PM on January 31, 2021

When I became a parent 10 years ago, I realized that all my "instincts" were really just based on how my own parents raised me. In an attempt to avoid repeating their mistakes I read 40 parenting books. (This is how I cope with anxiety.) Some were good and some were not, but "How to Talk" was the only on that made it onto the "top 10 books that changed you" list a made I few years later.

I think it made me a better person as well as a better parent, because I didn't really know anything about how to validate people's feelings or describe a problem in neutral language instead of resorting to personal criticism. I sent quotes from this book, only slightly tweaked, to a manager I know who was struggling with how to give employee feedback. And one time I boasted on MeFi that I had learned social skills from books, and then had to admit over MeFi mail that actually all my social skills for dealing with adults come from this 70s parenting book.

Like another FPP recently said, implementing these lessons really felt awkward and artificial at first, but that's how you know you're actually using a new skill and not just relying on bad old impulses. Now I can do this and still feel like I am being my authentic self, because I've become a more sensitive version of myself thanks to these practices.

And my relationship with my kids is better than the one I ever had with my parents, which is what I wanted originally.
posted by OnceUponATime at 7:27 PM on January 31, 2021 [19 favorites]

Also in this vein is "Between Parent and Child," which is basically about communicating respectfully with your children. The anecdote I remember so vividly from the book was, when your kid knocks their cereal bowl off the table and spills on the floor, you jump right to, "Why are you always DOING that? I've TOLD you and TOLD you, stop acting wild at the table and spilling your milk!" But if you had a guest at your house at a party or for a drink, and they were telling a story very animatedly and knocked their red wine onto your white carpet, you would NEVER be like, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???" They would be like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry" and you'd be like, "It's not a big deal, it's just a carpet!" and run to get towels and they'd be asking to help and everyone would be apologizing and assuring each other it was fine! No big deal! Even though the red-wine person has far more ability to foresee the accident than your preschooler does! And the author's like, "So maybe be that nice to your kids, then?"

And part of it is, you have to coach your kids so they respond like the wine-spiller -- apologizing and helping clean up. Because they don't know that yet. But you calmly and gently say, "Whoops! When you spill something like that, you need to help clean it up. Come over here and I'll show you how, we'll do it together." And then gently remind them that that's why we don't play Batman at the breakfast table. Usually they say sorry on their own, and you say, "It's okay, you're still learning, and I'll help you. It's okay to make mistakes. It's just important to help fix them!"

Not that my home is always an oasis of calm parental coaching in the wake of disasters, especially 10 months into pandemic quarantine, when I'm like, "Singing Jingle Bell Rock in late January is a violation of the Geneva Convention, I SWEAR TO GOD, PLEASE learn a different song." But that point of view has been really helpful when my kids are being particularly aggravating -- if this was an adult who was a guest in my home, how would I respond to this? -- or when facing a particularly large or flummoxing disaster. If this were my best friend instead of my kid, how would I respond? If this were a coworker instead of my kid, how would I respond? It's been a wonderful rule of thumb since my oldest was a toddler in framing how to respond when I don't know what to do or when I'm losing my chill.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:31 PM on January 31, 2021 [44 favorites]

(This is the other FPP to which I was referring, about real personal change feeling horribly awkward.)
posted by OnceUponATime at 7:41 PM on January 31, 2021

Dear thrifty bibliophile friends in the USA: I have just noticed that the follow-up book How to Talk So Teens Will Listen is on sale in electronic format for $1.99 pretty much everywhere right now.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:52 PM on January 31, 2021 [2 favorites]

Aimed at younger kids, but Janet Lansbury's "No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame" was another Ask MeFi fave which I found very useful. She also has a kind-of blog.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 10:41 PM on January 31, 2021 [1 favorite]

I also recommend this book to new managers!
posted by spindrifter at 5:51 AM on February 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

This sounds like second wave feminist ideas about "non-defensive communication" but applied to kids. Always a fan of that school, will check this out
posted by eustatic at 6:32 AM on February 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

The message that the pandemic is not “a pause” but rather our actual lives has been popping up for me a lot lately and appreciate an additional reminder.

I really dug that aspect of the article, too: I'd love to see more essays targeted more deeply at that thesis outside of parenting focus. It applies to so many things that would get pretty far afield of the childcare context.

I read the book some years ago, and enjoyed it. In my case, it was focused at intending on being the best uncle figure I could, rather than the much more difficult position of parent. It almost certainly had some positive effect! (They're still delighted at visits, and are teenagers now. And I remember being an adolescent: being happy with an old visiting is one of the highest compliments payable!)
posted by Drastic at 8:27 AM on February 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

I just finished this an hour or two before this post went up! Are you stalking my goodreads?
posted by Kwine at 12:57 PM on February 1, 2021

This was a gut punch:

Regardless of how we feel about this period, it is happening, and the days continue to pass. My daughter is doing the hard work of growing up. I won’t have another chance to help her.

Thanks for the post. (I love this book, too.)
posted by eirias at 3:05 AM on February 2, 2021