She's ingenuity personified!

April 29, 2021 11:02 AM

Fastest PB&J winner? (SLTwitter) She saw a record to be broken, and she figured out how to break it.
posted by I_Love_Bananas (62 comments total)

That jelly reveal was genuinely shocking. A+
posted by saladin at 11:05 AM on April 29, 2021 [27 favorites]

I remain completely impressed, and yet, will not be adopting this technique for our own household.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:18 AM on April 29, 2021 [9 favorites]

In my opinion, "pre-prepping" the jelly seems contrary to the spirit of the competition. Funny, though.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:20 AM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

How do you know that's not just her everyday jelly?
posted by howfar at 11:31 AM on April 29, 2021 [31 favorites]

I was slightly taken aback by your comment for a moment; my first thought was that you were suggesting she regularly manufactures it...
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:33 AM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

We can't know what is normal for people on the other side of the screen.
posted by Horkus at 11:35 AM on April 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

How do you know that's not just her everyday jelly?

Exactly. She could be a giant queen bee, with a human face filter. On the internet no one knows you're a bee.
posted by otherchaz at 11:42 AM on April 29, 2021 [19 favorites]

"I'm not a human. I'm here, I'm live."
posted by hanov3r at 11:43 AM on April 29, 2021 [6 favorites]

I know a girl who
Is really on track
She’ll make you breakfast
Then gobble it back
posted by miles per flower at 11:47 AM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

I really, really want to comment, but I’m speechless.
posted by TedW at 11:47 AM on April 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

(And not because I tried the same technique but with the peanut butter and jelly reversed)
posted by TedW at 11:49 AM on April 29, 2021 [9 favorites]

She could be a giant queen bee, with a human face filter.

Do bees like PBJ? Why aren't we funding this!?
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:51 AM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

Missed opportunity to title the post "I don't think you're ready for this jelly".
posted by ktkt at 12:15 PM on April 29, 2021 [17 favorites]

👩🏻‍🍳💋
posted by FallibleHuman at 12:19 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

This thread started out as a laugh and now I can't stop dreaming about having a jelly-creating sac in the back of my throat and the way that would feel. Like I see the benefit, but also at what cost
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:26 PM on April 29, 2021 [11 favorites]

I don't think I'm ready for that jelly.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 12:31 PM on April 29, 2021 [6 favorites]

I was going to complain that the hand-smeared glob of peanut butter was not applied evenly, but I'm willing to believe she's smoothing it out with her tongue after it hits her mouth.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:31 PM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

See, ordinarily what you'd do is apply a layer of jelly to the top of your tongue, and the stickier peanut butter to the underside. Then you'd just stick your tongue out, wrap a hot dog bun around it, retract and munch away. But this whole "assembly-outside-the-mouth" thing? It's a game changer!
posted by phooky at 12:39 PM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

now I can't stop dreaming about having a jelly-creating sac

If it was petroleum jelly, you could use a lighter and breathe fire!
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:40 PM on April 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

My buddy's response, when I showed him this and he began thinking about the logistics of the saliva involved: "the human mind was not intended to come up with things like this!"
posted by sleeping bear at 12:41 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

big an-qi energy
posted by i used to be someone else at 12:46 PM on April 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

The Flaming Lips were so wrong
posted by gwint at 1:00 PM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

if she put the peanut butter on the dominant hand side & the bread to be jellied on the other side she could do both at the same time I bet
posted by taquito sunrise at 1:06 PM on April 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

Eye of the Tiger.
posted by adamrice at 1:06 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Me, during the prologue: Where's the jelly?

Me, moments later: oh. There it is. Ok.

Me, at the end: Don't hate the player. Hate the game. Although I kind of now also hate the player.
posted by GuyZero at 1:08 PM on April 29, 2021 [13 favorites]

In my opinion, "pre-prepping" the jelly seems contrary to the spirit of the competition.

Yeah, this isn't so much about breaking a record as it is about establishing the boundaries of the activity. Like if you can pre-apply PB or J then it's just about picking bread up and slapping it together. Can you pre-load a spoon or knife? Or hands? How far apart does everything need to be?

I need an IOC activity definition here.
posted by GuyZero at 1:10 PM on April 29, 2021 [4 favorites]

It's like the old joke about the difference between jelly and jam, but instead proving that you can, in fact, jelly a sandwich in your mouth.
posted by Dip Flash at 1:12 PM on April 29, 2021 [11 favorites]

After this, goober jelly seems like a paragon of restraint.
posted by Flexagon at 1:30 PM on April 29, 2021 [4 favorites]

can we all just take a moment and admire that she not only decimated the other PBJ challenger, but had the audacity to stuff that sandwich into her maw also?

I bow to her
posted by elkevelvet at 1:30 PM on April 29, 2021 [15 favorites]

As a long-term, passionate PBJer, and one highly skilled in the arts of dignity-untethered functional eating, I have opinions.

I respect this competitor’s transgressive deconstruction of the genre.

However, I maintain that, for truly expeditious PBJ consumption, the bread is simply a historical artifact, and an obstructive substrate when your tongue will suffice most admirably.

I also urge my contemporaries to eschew jelly, and even most jams, as the flavored congelation that it often is, and shift to preserves, which is notable for actually having a modicum of fruit in it.

Anyway, to the task:

While standing near, or ideally adjacent to, the kitchen sink, secure two spoons. One is used to get a large dollop of preserves from its jar into your mouth. The other, subsequently, to do the same for the peanut butter. It is important that the preserves are first, to provide lubrication to the oral cavity, else the peanut butter coats and overloads the surfaces, preventing efficacious processing.

If you are living alone, and do not particularly mind contaminating your peanut butter, then one spoon will suffice.

The high art of this, which comes with long practice, is to develop the ability to gauge just how much of each ingredient can be used without overloading the dental arcade and potentially resulting in critical egress of the mixture.

But I mean, hands? That is not a serious method for serious PBJ consumers. Unless you are in competition with a pack of wolves to see which of you can eat the peanut butter faster. In which case, subtleties of form and efficiency may be relaxed.
posted by darkstar at 1:45 PM on April 29, 2021 [12 favorites]

She's beauty and she's grace
She's queen of 50 states
She's elegance and taste
posted by Carillon at 1:55 PM on April 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

Apropos of this hero, my kids thought Marge making hundreds of PB&J sandwiches on the latest Simpsons episode was insanely funny, even if she did get the continuity of Homer's love of trucks wrong and spoke disparagingly of music from England.
posted by The_Vegetables at 2:04 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

I expected good comments and you haven't let me down, metafilter.
posted by theora55 at 2:10 PM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

You know that novelty bar Margarita cocktail trick, where you sit in a barber chair, then someone tilts you all the way back, pours tequila and cointreau straight from the bottles into your open mouth, then grabs you by the cheeks, shutting your mouth and shaking your head back and forth to mix it, then sits you up straight?
I'm now imagining two squeeze tubes full of pb and j, then they spin you around and stuff a piece of toast in your mouth and everyone goes WOOO! Snacks! Snacks! Snacks!
posted by bartleby at 2:26 PM on April 29, 2021 [4 favorites]

Setting the jelly-pouching aside for a moment: Ryan wasn't really trying very hard to beat the record, was he?
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 2:31 PM on April 29, 2021 [9 favorites]

Metafilter: flavored congelation
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:59 PM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

I suspect Ryan was a plant - a stooge - a deliberate patsy, who was only there to provide a putative framework in which the woman's heroic/barbarous deed could be highlighted to greatest comparative effect.

But maybe I'm just cynical.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:02 PM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

Ryan wasn't really trying very hard to beat the record, was he?

I didn't want to say anything but that was some amateur fumbling with the jelly cap, come on Ryan
posted by taquito sunrise at 3:18 PM on April 29, 2021 [7 favorites]

My buddy's response, when I showed him this and he began thinking about the logistics of the saliva involved: "the human mind was not intended to come up with things like this!"

In fairness, pretty much all food you eat is just differently-flavoured and differently-textured saliva. Your own spit is the one constant.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:29 PM on April 29, 2021 [4 favorites]

Eww. That is all.
posted by Splunge at 3:37 PM on April 29, 2021

There was no so-called “pre-prep” of the jelly. Was not Ryan’s jelly in a container from which it could be forcibly expelled?
posted by skyscraper at 3:48 PM on April 29, 2021 [5 favorites]

Exactly. She could be a giant queen bee, with a human face filter. On the internet no one knows you're a bee.

You may note that the linked Twitter account is human_not_bees:
https://twitter.com/human_not_bees/status/1386441526788694025

So we can safely assume that she is in fact a human and not bees.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 4:02 PM on April 29, 2021 [10 favorites]

I...actually draw a different conclusion from that evidence.

Any entity who finds themselves in need to go to such steps to convince others that they are not, in fact, a hive of bees, raises certain questions about what past evidence, however circumstantial, may exist and to which they are reacting, that suggests they are indeed one.
posted by darkstar at 4:13 PM on April 29, 2021 [6 favorites]

There was no so-called “pre-prep” of the jelly. Was not Ryan’s jelly in a container from which it could be forcibly expelled?

I haven't yet seen a jelly container that could instantaneously dump a sandwich's worth of jelly like she did with her mouth, especially a squeeze-bottle with a small opening like the one he was struggling to open. I stand by my assessment, as this is an extremely high-stakes issue!
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:57 PM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

darkstar what if there were some quotations marks added for emphasis: "human" not bees, would that settle your doubts about her humanity?
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:01 PM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

I haven't yet seen a jelly container that could instantaneously dump a sandwich's worth of jelly like she did with her mouth,

Which simply calls into question the efficacy of design of jelly bottles. Perhaps they should have a graduated dispenser that could be pre-set for volume, like on our lab carboys, into which you can siphon up a sandwich-load of jelly all at once, and then splorp it all out in one swift go.
posted by darkstar at 5:02 PM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

darkstar what if there were some quotations marks added for emphasis: "human" not bees, would that settle your doubts about her humanity?


Yes, it would “settle” my doubts, inssmuch as they would be confirmed.
posted by darkstar at 5:04 PM on April 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

It feels like my "I am NOT a sentient agglomeration of bees" t-shirt is raising a lot of questions, which are already answered by the shirt.
posted by bartleby at 5:21 PM on April 29, 2021 [12 favorites]

How both wonderfully innovative and entirely repulsive! Hats off to you, jelly oozing world record holder. I did not expect....that.
posted by but no cigar at 5:39 PM on April 29, 2021 [3 favorites]

Which simply calls into question the efficacy of design of jelly bottles.

Fair point, but that's outside the scope of this specific "competition".
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:40 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

I mean, where does it all end!?
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:43 PM on April 29, 2021

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:45 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Greg_Ace: "I haven't yet seen a jelly container that could instantaneously dump a sandwich's worth of jelly like she did with her mouth"

What if it was a regular jar that happened to have a single sandwich's worth of jelly in it, which was then just turned over onto the bread? Would that be acceptable?
posted by team lowkey at 5:48 PM on April 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

What if it was a regular jar that happened to have a single sandwich's worth of jelly in it, which was then just turned over onto the bread? Would that be acceptable?

This video is like one of those ethical philosophy problems that exist not to be answered, but to better illuminate the questions.
posted by Horkus at 5:52 PM on April 29, 2021 [10 favorites]

"There is a runaway trolley barreling down the railway tracks. Ahead, on the tracks, there is a squeeze bottle of jelly. If you pull a lever, the trolley will switch to a different set of tracks with one person holding a mouthful of jelly. Which will squirt more jelly when run over?"
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:07 PM on April 29, 2021 [7 favorites]

I considered it that post title, ktkt - but felt perhaps that was too much of a giveaway.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 6:32 PM on April 29, 2021

I haven't yet seen a jelly container that could instantaneously dump a sandwich's worth of jelly like she did

YOU JUST NEED TO SMASH IT HARD LIKE KRONAR!

BLOOD AND THUNDER!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:49 PM on April 29, 2021 [2 favorites]

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN

Oh, I did! I sent it to my 13 year-old so he can disseminate throughout his cohort.
posted by Big Al 8000 at 8:58 PM on April 29, 2021 [7 favorites]

Yeah, that’s fucking disgusting.
posted by holborne at 9:48 PM on April 29, 2021

I tried her method. Props to her. First, getting that much jelly into your mouth is not easy. Need to put your head back and use a squeeze bottle. Second, when you, uh, distribute the jelly, it is hard to hit the bread right there in the middle from so far up. Practice! Third, the sugar from the jelly in my mouth for a good 30 seconds, I think, has given me two new cavities and a taste I cannot get out even with repeated brushing. It is also hard to get the peanut butter out from under your fingernails.

Then, I realized that I did not hit the record button on my phone so no evidence of my efforts. Will not try again.

She is my kid humor hero.
posted by AugustWest at 1:10 AM on April 30, 2021 [7 favorites]

Royal Jelly
posted by filtergik at 7:42 AM on April 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Yeah, it's been a while since I uttered an explosive snort, and then cry laughed for four full minutes.
Thank you.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 8:25 PM on April 30, 2021 [1 favorite]