Do you think that having a soft heart is wrong? Is it not viable today?
September 30, 2022 4:16 PM   Subscribe

This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- loup



 
In my experience people who tell you to "toughen up" really want you to be as small as possible while they trample all over you. "TOUGHEN UP" they say to the tiny ant they are squishing under their finger.

Stay soft, build community, avoid fingers.
posted by muddgirl at 4:38 PM on September 30, 2022 [86 favorites]


(And I’ve also learned that when people tell me things about how I should change “for my own good” that my own good is normally the last thing that they care about and that I should run hard and fast in the other direction.) -QFT
posted by MtDewd at 4:53 PM on September 30, 2022 [22 favorites]


We absolutely make the world. It feels to me a lot like there aren't enough people fighting for the kind of world I want, but that isn't a reason to stop, it's a reason to fight harder, even if it feels bleak.
posted by Gorgik at 5:00 PM on September 30, 2022 [13 favorites]


While the reply is pithy, it doesn't feel very practical. Yes, we can be genuine and gentle but we also need good boundaries. For me having a strong moral compass has meant being soft when it's appropriate and tough and resilient when it's necessary. The person asking presents their question as if our behavior and attitude towards life is a binary of being soft versus hard; however, that's a vast oversimplification.

That said, the asker probably would best benefit from finding fellow kindred spirits to fill their life, people like Neil Gaiman, instead of a boyfriend who advises they become "cold-hearted" in order to deal with the "shitty people and harsh truths." We must be kind to ourselves first and foremost, and that involves finding people who support us and share our values.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:08 PM on September 30, 2022 [19 favorites]


Well, yeah, you have to have boundaries, but karma is a thing. Not like some cosmic scorekeeper paying it out in the next life, but the simple action of cause and effect. If you are hard and unforgiving, the world gets harder and less forgiving. If you are generous, the world becomes more generous. You may not directly benefit from this, mind you, but you can change the world around you.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:16 PM on September 30, 2022 [30 favorites]


"You got what everyone gets — one lifetime."

Why spend it being an asshole, to the extent one can resist all the incentives?

Plus, hardened hearts are prone to failure.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:18 PM on September 30, 2022 [12 favorites]


"You got what everyone gets — one lifetime." Why spend it being an asshole, to the extent one can resist all the incentives?

Today is National Truth and Reconciliation Day in Canada. It got me thinking about how much assholery has been perpetrated in the name of there being another lifetime after this one. "Let a child from a year old be taught to fear the rod and to cry softly; from that age make him do as he is bid, if you whip him ten times running to effect it…. Break his will now, and his soul shall live, and he will probably bless you to all eternity."

Gaiman's message would've been a better one to live by.
posted by clawsoon at 5:32 PM on September 30, 2022 [26 favorites]


Been both ways. Saw no measurable difference. Now I sort of ignore people and focus on work.
posted by Czjewel at 5:35 PM on September 30, 2022 [5 favorites]


In my experience people who tell you to "toughen up" really want you to be as small as possible while they trample all over you. "TOUGHEN UP" they say to the tiny ant they are squishing under their finger.

Certainly true for boyfriends. Move that one along! He's tough, he won't mind.
posted by praemunire at 5:40 PM on September 30, 2022 [33 favorites]


Sometimes you need to toughen up for someone else’s sake. If your partner has cancer, put your tenderness behind you so you can be supportive. If you’re feeling insecure and need some reassurance for god’s sake be direct and finite about it; don’t turn into a sucking vacuum of need. Be tender and thoughtful and dutiful about other people’s needs and learn to call time on your own so you can get on with living.

Of course if you’re self-neglectful and subservient to a bully you’ve gone too far. But I have known, and been damaged by, people who felt their neediness made them unimpeachable rather than manipulative. There really are uses for some callouses; you can use tools and be useful.
posted by argybarg at 6:13 PM on September 30, 2022 [9 favorites]


The choice isn't between having a soft heart and being an asshole, and the choice isn't between kindness and being an asshole. I will fully admit that I'm suspicious of people who think this way. It's possible to believe in goodness, tenderness, love, and background checks.

This isn't doxxing because it is right there on their profile, but Tumblr OP is a nurse, which might add some context as to why boyfriend is saying to be more cold-hearted. It might be that he is trying to weasel out of providing some tenderness that is missing from the relationship, or it might be that he is tired of seeing his partner get hurt.
posted by betweenthebars at 6:18 PM on September 30, 2022 [14 favorites]


whereas I'm suspicious of people who license themselves to be kind assholes. At least after adolescence. Not that it's impossible. 'Nice' assholes, on the other hand, proliferate.
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:29 PM on September 30, 2022 [4 favorites]


I have met Mr. Gaiman on two occasions.

The first, was at a World Fantasy Convention, where I was working as part of the entertainment, as a member of a Lovecraft live action murder mystery, where we went around "killing" the guests of honor as part of the plotline. I killed Katherine Kurtz with a poisoned pen (at a signing of course), although I was under mind control at the time, so I'm not sure if that counts. In any case, it's orthogonal to the story, which was that there was a point where I was in the elevator going to another floor, and he and Jill Thompson came in. I am to this day proud that I quietly stood and did not interrupt their conversation, and left at my floor. They were their on their own time.

The second, was a Comic Book Legal Defense Fund tour, where he was doing meet-and-greets before readings. My girlfriend of the time had bought us the special meet-and-greet tickets, but was too starstruck to go and talk to him. I of course was having none of that. She'd paid for this, and this was her time. So I pulled her over to join a delightful conversation where he was amusing and friendly, and in a strange turn of chance, was telling a story about the fancy restaurant that we ourselves were going to the following night. She thawed quickly, and had a wonderful time.
posted by notoriety public at 6:55 PM on September 30, 2022 [8 favorites]


Those who are saying that having boundaries is at odds with "Kindness" and "having a soft heart" - something to consider.

"Having a soft heart" simply means that you are capable of being emotionally affected by things and people. And....righteous anger is an emotion, which can drive you towards taking action to enforce the boundaries you choose. The "not letting things get to you" leads to apathy and indifference.

As for kindness - that's just there to ensure that the righteous anger you're enforcing is protective of others, that's all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:18 PM on September 30, 2022 [39 favorites]


World tries to harden hearts, takes strength to keep them soft.
posted by VTX at 7:21 PM on September 30, 2022 [10 favorites]


The tragedy of the world is not that it makes victims of us all, although it does. The tragedy is that it teaches us to make victims of each other.
posted by notoriety public at 7:28 PM on September 30, 2022 [20 favorites]


For many years before the plague struck, I went to a lot of book readings/signings by a number of authors. I met Mr Gaiman twice. Both times he was present, approachable, and really friendly. He even drew the Sandman in one of my books. Almost all authors I’ve met were the same. Except one, a person who began to write very thick, overwrought SciFi novels. In person, a jerk.

I don’t think it’s a question of hard or soft, which I translate as unfeeling/uncaring versus feeling too much. In either case, not a productive way to be. Just be empathetic and do the appropriate thing to make the situation better than it is. And if you can’t do that, then at least don’t make it worse.
posted by njohnson23 at 7:28 PM on September 30, 2022 [1 favorite]


Neil Gaiman and Wil Wheaton are both delightful on Tumblr.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:33 PM on September 30, 2022 [4 favorites]


I've gone to Gaiman live readings a couple times — never tried to catch him in the signing press afterwards, but it's still a buoyant experience.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:44 PM on September 30, 2022 [1 favorite]


What goes around comes around. The less we each shit in the bathtub, the better we all smell.
posted by flabdablet at 7:46 PM on September 30, 2022


Caring about other people and trying to help them when you can do so (without harming yourself) is good.

There's a teenage boy from my city who would still be alive today if, after he'd been hit by a car, lots of joggers, dog walkers, cyclists and drivers didn't assume he was drunk [he wasn't], and ignore him being by the side of the road for hours before someone finally called an ambulance. And then the ambulance assumed he was drunk [he had a severe concussion] and took him home instead of to hospital.

And yes, this never would have happened if he'd been white.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:53 PM on September 30, 2022 [3 favorites]


It's good to care about other people, and to say "hungry kids rummaging in garbage bins for food is not okay, we need to bring back free school meals."

It's also good to have boundaries and to say "Random stranger on the train/plane/bus, just because I am a woman does not mean that I am a free therapist willing to listen to all your life woes at length."

These are not in opposition to each other. It's a matter of balance, not binaries.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:55 PM on September 30, 2022 [3 favorites]


It got me thinking about how much assholery has been perpetrated in the name of there being another lifetime after this one.

I don't know what this subject has to do with the point of the thread. But it's worth pointing out that whether you believe in an afterlife or not, the idea of one has pretty often been presented as an incentive for people to do the right thing in this world, in hopes of receiving rewards and/or avoiding punishment in the next world.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 8:17 PM on September 30, 2022


I suspect that the reason there is so much belittling of kindness, so much tedious exhortations to "man up" is because given how heartless and pointlessly painful the world is it can be hard on a person to feel.
posted by Pembquist at 8:29 PM on September 30, 2022 [8 favorites]


I've noticed that some people conflate having a "soft heart" with being passive or overly yielding, whereas the truth is more often the opposite. Pushing emotions down lets people take more crap, and that is sometimes very convenient for others.

That might explain why whenever I've heard somebody say "you're too sensitive," the correct response was usually along the lines of "yup, I am too sensitive to take whatever you are dishing out." Imagine what the world would look like if we were all "too sensitive" to put up with half the things we're told we just have to live with?
posted by rpfields at 8:35 PM on September 30, 2022 [24 favorites]


"Poetry leads us to the unstructured sources of our beings, to the unknown, and returns us to our rational, structured selves refreshed. Having once experienced the mystery, plenitude, contradiction, and composure of a work of art, we afterward have a built-in resistance to the slogans and propaganda of oversimplification that have often contributed to the destruction of human life. Poetry is a verbal means to a nonverbal source. It is a motion to no-motion, to the still point of contemplation and deep realization."

-A.R. Ammons

أسرع طريقة لتغيير العالم، هي أن نحبه كما هو .
posted by clavdivs at 8:40 PM on September 30, 2022 [5 favorites]


> we can be genuine and gentle but we also need good boundaries

I know the internet zeitgeist says otherwise but good boundaries ARE genuine and gentle. There is no room for "but" in there.

Good boundaries are not when you stand up tall and shout NO!!! in a loud and commanding voice, un-gentle and opaque, and you say no more more words of explanation because ~no is a complete sentence~, rah rah, and the wind blows your hair back and the background music swells and those who dared to ask something audacious of you cower meekly in defeat.

That is not what good boundaries are at all.

Good boundaries are rules for yourself and information for others, good naturedly shared. Good boundaries are when you genuinely and gently tell the other person exactly how you're feeling and what you'd like in every appropriate little moment. Good boundaries are when you're thoroughly attuned to yourself and so, when you feel the very first twinge of unexplainable discomfort, you can say, genuinely and gently, "Ugh, I'm going to head out, I need to clear my head." Good boundaries are when you protect the relationship from your own rage and resentment by taking care of your own feelings this way, so that rage and resentment don't have a chance to build up.

Genuine and gentle is the only way to do good boundaries.
posted by MiraK at 8:46 PM on September 30, 2022 [32 favorites]


You can have a soft heart and still have calluses on your feet.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 8:51 PM on September 30, 2022 [13 favorites]


I might consider it by the same criteria often used to define the threshold between a condition and an illness: does it interfere with my ability get things done at home or at work.
posted by fairmettle at 10:25 PM on September 30, 2022 [1 favorite]


Soft heart in extreme is equivalent to hard heart in extreme. Neither is viable.
No, you’re not childish. And it wouldn’t matter if you were. Children tend towards kindness and are outraged, when they perceive it, by unfairness. (And another C.S. Lewis quote for you: “When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”)
The 'very grown up' is the important bit. Once one goes 'very grown up', they've switched sides. Desire not to go from soft to hard like it's a thing. There's still the not 'very' middle ground. Not necessarily the easiest thing to do. Not being set in your way so firmly that the only option is to flip to the other way. Be flexible enough to meet in the middle. Prove your soft heart by not being hard and very grown up. But you still have to grow up and so do they. The 'very' is the problem.
posted by zengargoyle at 10:36 PM on September 30, 2022 [1 favorite]


Not being set in your way so firmly that the only option is to flip to the other way.

There's a really common and really unfortunate pattern where a firebrand ideologue has some kind of personal crisis that flips them straight across to an absolutely opposed ideology which they then promote with even more zeal.

It does not follow from this that both ideologies were always equally inadequate.

It does follow from this that ideologues are best treated with suspicion if they start pushing views that treat people they don't like, as opposed to the views or beliefs of those people, as contemptible.

Treating another human being as contemptible is serious business and ought to be reserved only for a very small number of highly influential and exceptionally awful people like Tr*mp and Kissinger and Bolsonaro and Putin whom the world would be objectively better without. Treating whole classes of people as contemptible is just an error.
posted by flabdablet at 10:52 PM on September 30, 2022 [6 favorites]


From Meatbomb, quite some years ago:

The shepherd was on a remote hill, with the village just barely visible in the valley below, when the stranger arrived. He sat down beside the shepherd and from his bag pulled out his lunch and ate, sullenly, holding the scrap of bread tight to him. "And what brings you here?" asked the shepherd.

"I am looking for a new place to live," said the stranger. "Pray tell me, shepherd, what is that village like, in the valley below?"

"I will tell you of this village, stranger, but first I should like to hear of the place from whence you come."

The strangers face twisted into an ugly mask of contempt. "Thieves! Thieves and liars! Nobody can be trusted there, everyone looking out for themselves. People there find no joy in life except when bringing misery to their neighbors. And now, shepherd, I have met my end of the bargain - tell me of your village? Is it a place worthy of my time?"

"Sadly it is not," replied the shepherd. "Here you will find that the people are much the same."

And the stranger carried on, taking the fork in the path away from the valley and onward into the wastes.

On the very next day, on that same hill, a second man came along and joined the shepherd where he sat. He spread his lunch between himself and the shepherd, and bid him share his dates and wine. After some time the conversation turned to the purpose of the stranger's journey. "I am looking for a home, good shepherd. The town that I am from was a lovely, friendly place, full of honest and hardworking folk, but I felt that surely there must be something new to see in this world. And so I have set out to find new friends and family among strangers. Tell me of your village, shepherd - is it a place that would welcome me?"

"Indeed it is," replied the shepherd. "You will find that people here are much the same as those you left behind. Come, let us walk together, and when we arrive I shall introduce you as my friend."

posted by deadwax at 11:40 PM on September 30, 2022 [33 favorites]


Cat Stevens has some apropos lyrics here:

"Well if you want to sing out
sing out.
And if you want to be free
be free.
'Cause there's a million things to be.
You know that there are.

And if you want to live high
live high.
And if you want to live low
live low.
'Cause there's a million ways to go.
You know that there are.

...

Well if you want to say yes
say yes.
And if you want to say no
say no.
Cause there's a million ways to go.
You know that there are.

And if you want to be me
be me.
And if you want to be you
be you.
Cause there's a million things to do.
You know that there are."
posted by zardoz at 12:17 AM on October 1, 2022 [7 favorites]


Mod note: One deleted. I think it's possible to talk about this without being actually insulting or attacking people (fellow members included) who may have a spiritual or religious belief you don't agree with. The question and the answer are not framed in terms of religion, so, while there may be aspects of that can reasonably be discussed here, let's not jump in with sweeping declarations of contempt, accusations, insults, etc.
posted by taz (staff) at 12:56 AM on October 1, 2022 [7 favorites]


The only thing that the OP in the tumblr post said about their boyfriend was:
We live in a decadent world full of shitty people and harsh truths; and my boyfriend thinks I should be more cold-hearted, because "life isn't like the books you read".
but then we jump straight to DTMFA
Certainly true for boyfriends. Move that one along! He's tough, he won't mind.
racking up faves? yikes. be the softness we wish to see in the world people, yeeeesh.

-----

thanks for this post! I especially liked learning of the Lewis modification of the old trope. This one is indeed much better:
When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.
posted by lazaruslong at 1:48 AM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]


Good boundaries are rules for yourself and information for others, good naturedly shared. Good boundaries are when you genuinely and gently tell the other person exactly how you're feeling and what you'd like in every appropriate little moment.

“Genuinely and gently.” This. Exactly this. It is a conversation I have had with one important person in my life who is swept up in the BOUNDARIES movement: set boundaries with a paintbrush, not a sledgehammer. Chances are what you say is already going to hurt or disappoint someone, either because of something they think they need, or something they want to share, or because it will challenge their concept of your relationship. The art of boundary-setting is learning to do it in a way that preserves the dignity of the other and the goodwill earned in the relationship.

Boundaries CAN be set with kindness and gentleness . It can take practice. But I content that, in boundaries set with anger or frustration, the anger is the point. And that is not a boundary - it is a veiled attempt to hurt or diminish.
posted by Silvery Fish at 2:54 AM on October 1, 2022 [7 favorites]


There's a distinction to be made between being hard-hearted, and being resilient. The former is about putting up walls to protect yourself from others, and often leads to a place where other people's motives are suspect until proven honest. Personally I don't like that place when I see it in people, and I'd rather be taken for a fool occasionally if that's what it takes to be the person I want to be. The latter thing, resilience, is a personal trait that really isn't about shutting people out; it's about learning to deal with the harsh parts of life and come out the other side with our humanity intact. Stoicism has a lot to say about that stuff (although like any philosophy, you have to pick out the good bits).
posted by pipeski at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2022 [5 favorites]


As others have noted, it's not either/or: One can practice kindness and empathy and still have specific boundaries for one's self, and an understanding that the world is not a perfect place.

Additionally, none of us are the perfect versions of ourselves, or the best versions of ourselves at every moment; we will fail at kindness (and other things) from time to time. We don't need to be perfect in the practice of kindness. We should still practice at it.

Especially these days, I am aware that there are people and entities in the world whose only goal is to set us against each other, for their own purposes. Kindness, forgiveness and empathy is a fighting stance against that sort of nihilism.
posted by jscalzi at 6:47 AM on October 1, 2022 [16 favorites]


I feel like "a soft heart" is the wrong phrase. I often write in my journal, "BE KIND," and that is true even if you are saying no to someone. You can do it even whilhe wakling out of a car dealership after the paperwork, or while turning down a panhandler on the street. There is no need to be unkind, and it's not being a patsy, and just because other people are less than kind, that does't mean you have to respond in the same currency. It makes you whole, and costs nothing, to be kind.
posted by Peach at 7:07 AM on October 1, 2022 [6 favorites]


If you are hard and unforgiving, the world gets harder and less forgiving. If you are generous, the world becomes more generous. You may not directly benefit from this, mind you, but you can change the world around you. - GenjiandProust

This is lovely and speaks to my soft heart, which I deeply value.
posted by cooker girl at 7:34 AM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]


I feel like "a soft heart" is the wrong phrase.

I think that's important to see the reactions to that phrase. So many of us, myself included, reflexively reject any notion of "softness" to our character because we grow up in a culture that trains us to be hard-hearted.

So many words of praise are violent and ruthless: "killer", "badass", "pimp", "savage", etc etc.

"Soft" is seen as contemptible, an indication of a crack in our armor.

It's true, we need balance, we need boundaries, but we also need to be aware how much our culture trains us to reject any notion of "softness", and how that affects our humanity.

Like being anti-racist in the affirmative, to be "soft" we must actively reject our cultural training.
posted by ishmael at 8:20 AM on October 1, 2022 [8 favorites]


The phrase 'harden your heart' a very old one. I became interested in it when I was reading the Jewish Publication Society translation and commentary for the Torah, and saw that references to Pharoah hardening or stiffening his heart (or others making it so) were fairly literal.
Like much of Torah, I'm sure it could be traced back much further - which I take to mean that this struggle we all have - of finding a way to have a soft heart versus a hard heart - is pretty fundamental to human nature - maybe at the core of who we are.
After reading Gaiman's Graveyard Book, I'm not surprised that he believes in the value of softness - and in preserving a child's view of the world.
I value my own practice of Aikido specifically because it is a martial art that was founded by a pacifist who believed in somehow resolving the apparent contradiction of simultaneously protecting yourself while protecting your attacker. Thirty years into it, I'm still working on fully understanding that one - and I think it's worth doing. I know that on the mat, when I stiffen up, I make those I interact with do the same. When I remember to relax and soften, I feel the same in my partner.
I hope someday, I'll really remember all of the softness and kindness I had when I came into this world.
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 8:26 AM on October 1, 2022 [9 favorites]


When I think of softness and its place in the world, I keep coming back to a line in the song "Hold On When You Get Love And Let Go When You Give It" by the band Stars:

Take the weakest thing in you / and then beat the bastards with it

I want to conceptualize softness, kindness, gentleness, vulnerability, as a kind of power - a kind of power that is unknown and overlooked by the worst people in the world. The challenge is to keep getting your heart broken and keep turning into it rather than turning away from it.

And yeah, that can coexist with having good boundaries and not being naive or a doormat. We could tell a million stories about the letter-writer's boyfriend being either sneering and cruel and cynical or a fundamentally good guy who just doesn't want his girlfriend to keep getting emotionally trampled by manipulative people and the sadness of everyday life; we don't have much evidence one way or the other. But I think that if we try to destroy or repress the weakest things in us, we will not have much left to beat the bastards with.
posted by Jeanne at 8:48 AM on October 1, 2022 [11 favorites]


I want to conceptualize softness, kindness, gentleness, vulnerability, as a kind of power

Waymond strength is the best strength.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:04 AM on October 1, 2022 [13 favorites]


racking up faves? yikes. be the softness we wish to see in the world people, yeeeesh.

Notice that the "OP" wasn't asking this question personally in AskMe. I was being hyperbolic in the key of the quoted comment, to illustrate its folly--though I do think that men you're dating telling you to toughen up is rarely a good sign.
posted by praemunire at 9:52 AM on October 1, 2022 [3 favorites]


I want to conceptualize softness, kindness, gentleness, vulnerability, as a kind of power

Waymond strength is the best strength.


First part (Jeanne's comment): Yes, this exactly! Thank you so much for putting it that way.
Second part (from Parasite Unseen): Thank you! I hadn't heard about Everything Everywhere All At Once yet - it sounds great - going to check it out.
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 10:48 AM on October 1, 2022


I do wonder how many different things we all mean when we say "harden our hearts" or "toughen up". We probably think it means different things than Tumblr OP's boyfriend does, right? To use the most generous possible interpretation, maybe to them it means "don't fall apart, pull yourself together, there's work to be done, keep your eyes on the ball and ignore everything that might tug on your heartstrings enough to distract from the essential thing that need to be done."

Which is... ugh. To me it's obvious that if someone is falling apart and getting distracted from the essential thing, they can't help it! Telling them to "tighten up" or "harden their hearts" in response to something they can't help is unkind, wrong, and patronizing. But OP's bf is starting from the premise that we have control over this, that we are CHOOSING to be weak rather than succumbing to unavoidable weakness, and so falling apart is, at best, self-indulgent. Or, if they do understand that we can't help falling apart, that we can't help but be weak sometimes, they see our weakness as a moral failing, a character flaw. Another implication is that straying from a continuous, unremitting pursuit of one's own goals is failure.

And that's the most generous interpretation. Less generously I could interpret them as saying, "Stop wasting your time caring about unprofitable others, loser," or "Quit playing the victim, you attention-seeking whiner," or as suggested above, "Shut up and don't bother me with your emotional needs, woman!"

I started this comment trying to steel-man this OP's question but I just can't think of a way they can possibly mean it in a good way! Maybe someone else can do better.
posted by MiraK at 11:10 AM on October 1, 2022 [2 favorites]


I learned about this book from Ask, but When Things Fall Apart is really all about this - of “leaning into the sharp points”, as she puts it. Staying open hearted and kind, to oneself and others, during difficult times is incredibly hard, but immensely important. It’s so so easy to shut feelings down or lock them behind anger, but while it can bring immediate relief, it doesn’t fix anything.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:13 PM on October 1, 2022 [1 favorite]


METAFILTER: goodness, tenderness, love, and background checks
posted by philip-random at 5:41 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]


This is really timely for me.

I think that often we say someone has a “soft heart” or is a “romantic” rather than having a “hard heart” or being “practical”, because vulnerability opens us for pain. But it’s also the only way we have a hope of getting what we want.

I have, in my life, always been closest to what I wanted when I was at my most vulnerable, and when I made the “practical” choice, the farthest.
posted by corb at 7:42 PM on October 1, 2022 [4 favorites]


So many words of praise are violent and ruthless: "killer", "badass", "pimp", "savage", etc etc.

To the extent that this kind of usage has become current in Australia, it's been super obvious how much of it has been imported from the US.

I've always had the impression that US culture glorifies violence and domination to a much greater extent than we do. Here, we only really glorify the kind that our military has inflicted in the various overseas wars we've been so easily roped into and even then, the military event we glorify the most was not any kind of victory but the completely pointless loss of life that both sides suffered at Gallipoli.

The ruthless violence that the colonizing "civilization" has been continuously inflicting on the indigenous ones since the First Fleet got here is absolutely not glorified; in general it's ignored and/or denied.

There's a certain amount of violence glorification associated with the popular football codes, but much of that is a side effect of the sheer spectacle of its infliction rather than any domination it demonstrates.
posted by flabdablet at 1:55 AM on October 3, 2022 [2 favorites]


I don't think this is a terribly deep answer, but I don't think it's a very deep question, either. What I like about the answer is that he doesn't promise that if you're kind, the world will be kind back to you. It's more that you should be the person you would like to see in the world. We'd like to see kind people, but we also wouldn't like to see kind people taken advantage of, and letting people take advantage of you isn't really the same thing as being kind.

Also, I applaud Neil Gaiman for not telling her to DTMFA, which I know I would have done. He's either a better person than I am or just has less time to devote to social media.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:13 PM on October 3, 2022 [3 favorites]


DTMFA

(googles); ahhh.
posted by ishmael at 11:12 PM on October 3, 2022


« Older Experimental Film   |   Silent Movie Saturday Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments