September 13, 2002

2:28 PM

"The fight America has on its hands militarily is one thing. A fight our American intelligence and soldiery will not lose. Drunken, doped-up third world peasants paradise-bent on living as if it is still the stone age challenge us, now let them taste the full, unadulterated wrath of America's force. Let them drown in pools of their own blood." Call it "the ultimate pre-match promo:" the well-thought-out and eloquent political pundrity of The Ultimate Warrior. Yes, that one.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (23 comments total)

Okay, so just to make sure: first of all, I don't agree with 99.9% of this guy. The humor is found in the fact that this is comign from The Ultimate Warrior, born Gary Lee Weinrib, who legally changed his name to his "stage name" as a member of the World Wrestling Federation. He is, many would argue both wrestling fan and non-fan, completely and utterly insane.

Peronally, I just like reading this and imagine him reciting it at the top of his lungs right before he goes out to fight the Iron Sheik.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 2:32 PM on September 13, 2002

Correction: his birth name was Jim Hellwig, just in case, for some strange reason, you cared.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 2:36 PM on September 13, 2002

I think Mr. Warrior has some issues. Anyway, does this mean that the rumour that there were 7 ultimate warriors, all brothers, and whenever 1 died of steroid abuse the next would replace him, is an untrue one?
posted by robself at 2:37 PM on September 13, 2002

Isn't that the the premise of a martial arts movie I've seen?

"Seven Ultimate Warriors"

aka

"Iron Fists in Steroids' Shadow"
posted by eyebeam at 2:44 PM on September 13, 2002

I just can't pick one pun apart from another so I'll just have to do a straight link: Foke. He really is insane.
posted by robself at 2:50 PM on September 13, 2002

Evil will inevitably meet up with the big-knuckled fist of good and get its ass kicked. Always. Happy kicks sad's ass. Always. Triumph kicks tragedy's ass. Always.


He sounds like a deranged version of The Tick
posted by substrate at 2:52 PM on September 13, 2002

he truly is psycho and an ass--that bit about punching an activist and pretending you didn't and doing it again and again is truly evil (see, ultimate warrior--no relativism here!). Maybe he needs to be back "wrestling" or something...

i used to think he was hot tho...
posted by amberglow at 2:52 PM on September 13, 2002

where's Sgt. Slaughter now that we need him?

side note: I once passed Sgt Slaughters limo on the highway. It was done up in camoflauge. How frappin' cool is that
posted by jonmc at 2:53 PM on September 13, 2002

I'm in complete disbelief. I haven't even thought about this guy since I was in sixth grade (for those keeping score, that would be 1987), and now he's the Ultimate Blogger? Wow.

I actually remember the Ultimate Warrior as the only guy who actually "beat" Hulk Hogan without "cheating" back when Hogan was a good guy. The fact that I remember the result of Wrestlemania VI does really not reflect all that well on me, I suppose. Ah well.

"Saddam! The U.S. military will blow you TO PAAARTS UNKNOOOOOOWN!"
posted by textureslut at 2:54 PM on September 13, 2002

That story about punching anti-war protestors was posted on the Fucked Company message board by some creepy right-wing hawk a week or so ago. That meme must be spreading around some of the conservative kook sites or something.
posted by MegoSteve at 3:06 PM on September 13, 2002

That story has been around as long as war protestors have been around, MegoSteve. Someone e-mailed me once with it and asked me if I see how I have to be a man and learn to fight back; I told him of course I wouldn't hit him back, that might get my hands bruised- I'd just blow up his house and kill all his family members and neighbors. He never wrote me back.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 3:21 PM on September 13, 2002

"Drunken, doped-up third world peasants paradise-bent on living as if it is still the stone age challenge us, now let them taste the full, unadulterated wrath of America's force. Let them drown in pools of their own blood."

Someone should call Ann Coulter and tell her this guy is stealing her act.
posted by Ty Webb at 3:31 PM on September 13, 2002

So do's he wear the facepaint to the anti-war rallys?

I would like to see him shake down some of these nu-hippies. in full face paint in his trunks and armbands. It would be quite a sight...

::red skull mode::

"Oh how i wish i had that cosmic cube and could bend time & space to make this vision become reality...

::red skull mode::

Well least he is not milking 911 like the "Boss"
posted by Dreamghost at 3:34 PM on September 13, 2002

Ladies and gentlemen, I have perused the site in its entirety, and I have discovered the reason behind Mr. Warrior's personality:

Every morning, an hour and a half to two hours after awakening, Mr. Warrior consumes Quacker Oatmeal.

That is all.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:11 PM on September 13, 2002

Registrant:
ultimatewarrior (ULTIMATEWARRIOR-DOM)
8711 E. Pinnacle Peak Rd.#185
Scottsdale, AZ 85255
US

Domain Name: ULTIMATEWARRIOR.COM

Administrative Contact:
Warrior, Mister (GKNHIFTFYI) [e-mail]
Ultimate Warrior
8711 E Pinnacle Peak Rd Num 185
Scottsdale, AZ 85255
US
4805951614


Man. I remember Ultimate Warrior from when I was a kid. He was the guy that I liked because he [his character] was a good guy and stood up against "evil."

Here's random info for those who care:
"Before Jim Hellwig was the Ultimate Warrior, he wrestled under the name of ROCK in the old UWF as one half of a tag team called the Blade Runners. His partner was the wrestler now known as STING. Once leaving the UWF, Hellwig went to World Class Championship Wrestling where he became known as the DINGO WARRIOR. From there of course he went to the WWF, where he became the ULTIMATE WARRIOR..."

- More pearls from UW.
- Here's an UW FAQ.
- Here is a picture of the bunny with corn on his head.
posted by Hankins at 4:43 PM on September 13, 2002

Hankins, you sneaky devil.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:54 PM on September 13, 2002

Foke.

Um, so: We focus; I foke; I had focuned(?)

Hilarious.
(What's up with that picture on the top left corner of the Foke page, though? It looks like a sketch by legendary Tarzan artist Burne Hogarth. Wonder if it's used with permission? Oh well.
posted by Shane at 5:32 PM on September 13, 2002

So he lives in an apartment?

That address is just down the street from me... maybe I'll stroll by, drunk and doped up, naturally.
posted by gelatinouscitizen at 6:07 PM on September 13, 2002

Hankins, you are my new hero. That is the best laugh i have had all day.
posted by quin at 6:33 PM on September 13, 2002

Ha " the full,unadulterated wrath of American force ? " is that the same unbeatable force that went to " kick ass " against the primitive peasants in Vietnam ???
Never underestimat the determination of your enemy !!!
posted by johnny7 at 12:10 AM on September 14, 2002

Mr Ultimate Warrior should be the poster boy for the acronym of The War Against Terror.
posted by jackspot at 2:44 AM on September 14, 2002

There's no need for the dissing of Papa Shango in that ultimate warrior FAQ. He was easily my favourite wrestler. Forget jumping around for half an hour- enter the arena, kill the lights, set the other guy on fire, then leave. Piece of cake.
posted by robself at 2:49 AM on September 14, 2002

I told him of course I wouldn't hit him back, that might get my hands bruised- I'd just blow up his house and kill all his family members and neighbors. He never wrote me back.
Mr. Warrior obviously hasn't been to a peace march recently--you wouldn't have to lift a finger against him, just enjoy watching him get hauled away to jail by about 10 bored cops and pepper-sprayed if he tried to give 'em lip.
posted by Raya at 8:36 AM on September 14, 2002