A Gentleman's Battle

October 3, 2002 8:08 AM

A Gentleman's Battle Sounds like a good idea to ME.... seems a bit more fair than the "World's Strongest Military" versus an army on it's last legs.
posted by Espoo2 (45 comments total)

This idea is perfect. Let the guy with grudge ("He tried to kill my father") put his own life on the line, rather than the lives of thousands of Iraqis and a few dozen american soldiers.

All wars should be fought this way.
posted by malphigian at 8:12 AM on October 3, 2002

And it could be staged in Vegas, some of the proceeds going to the needy in both (yes: both) countries...It is, after all, to be a rich man's war and a poor man's fight.
posted by Postroad at 8:20 AM on October 3, 2002

And just imagine the TV ratings!
posted by frallyth at 8:21 AM on October 3, 2002

One word: Cheney.
posted by goethean at 8:22 AM on October 3, 2002

goethean: How about if Cheney *and* Bush go over to fight Saddam? I'd pay to see that.
posted by soyjoy at 8:27 AM on October 3, 2002

Cheaper than a war, isn't it Mr President? Mr President? Where did he go?
posted by norm29 at 8:28 AM on October 3, 2002

Nah, send Charlton Heston. Even with Alzhiemers, you know he's quick on the draw.
posted by gsteff at 8:29 AM on October 3, 2002

You people obviously don't understand the chickenhawk war strategery.
posted by goethean at 8:33 AM on October 3, 2002

strategery?

Seriously, I'm all in favor of this. It's his grudge, let him go over there to settle it.
posted by mkultra at 8:45 AM on October 3, 2002

This reminds me of Frankie Goes To Hollywood's song "Two Tribes" with Reagan and Gorbachev mud wrestling.
posted by MrBaliHai at 8:47 AM on October 3, 2002

Howzabout a demolition derby in helicopters over the ocean?
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:53 AM on October 3, 2002

Would be amusing to watch. Saddam would probably cream Dubya in any competition physical or mental except for maybe running and baseball.
posted by quirked at 8:56 AM on October 3, 2002

Okay, did anyone else just literally hear the Fox Network exeuctive boardroom collectively orgasm?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:56 AM on October 3, 2002

Fox my ass! The only promoter capable of handling this spectacle would be Vincent K. McMahon! George "the Animal" Bush and Madman Saddam in a steel cage!
posted by norm29 at 9:02 AM on October 3, 2002

Lucky for both it's not a duel of wits.
posted by TskTsk at 9:04 AM on October 3, 2002

Fox's When World Leaders Clash! Slammin' Saddam Hussein vs. George "Dead or Alive" Bush! Be there!
posted by karmasalad at 9:06 AM on October 3, 2002

mkultra, in case you're asking - "strategery" is the Bush version of the word "strategy." But since it came up, I wanted to take this opportunity to try to get this straightened out. I never heard the original Bush quote, so I never know when I'm saying this whether I'm supposed to say "strat-a-jury" or "stra-TEE-gery." As you all are so knowledgeable and helpful, can someone clue me in?
posted by soyjoy at 9:10 AM on October 3, 2002

I suggest a sort of one-on-one mini Olympics, Bush v. Hussein, to be held in a neutral country to be determined later.

Possible events:
dick-swinging
podium pounding
fluffy bunny

unlikely to be included: chess

also: soyjoy, "strategery" came from Will Ferrel's portrayal of Bush on Saturday Night Live.
posted by Ty Webb at 9:17 AM on October 3, 2002

I predict a disqualification when Saddam bites into W's giant ears...
posted by mooseindian at 9:23 AM on October 3, 2002

I've got $10 on Cheney. Anybody else want some action?
posted by Galvatron at 9:39 AM on October 3, 2002

The only promoter capable of handling this spectacle would be Vincent K. McMahon!

And if Cheney could run in at a opportune moment with a steel chair and smack Saddam over the head with it, all the better.
posted by Cyrano at 9:41 AM on October 3, 2002

One question. Would Bush face a single Saddam, or would he have to go against all four of them?
posted by herc at 9:48 AM on October 3, 2002

Do we have to send Bush? Can't we send Ditka? Or mini-Ditka?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:03 AM on October 3, 2002

I believe the Bush administration has said on numerous occasions that their issue is with Saddam not the Iraqi people. Obviously any conventional military operation is going to involve Iraqi casualties (not to mention American casualties). A Bush spokesman this week said that 'One Bullet' would be less costly than war. This seems like a very good solution to me. I'd like to see President Bush step up to his rhetoric. If Bush wins, Iraq gets a new President. If Saddam wins the US gets a new President. It's a no lose situation.

It really does seem like a much more sensible solution than killing thousands people.
posted by gruchall at 10:04 AM on October 3, 2002

Cyrano, the chair to the head thing is always a big swerve, so it would probably go more like this:

Cheney runs out with his chair to smack Saddam... then suddenly turns and levels Bush! The crowd goes nuts, nobody can decide whether to cheer or boo him for doing it! "Investigate my corporate buddies, will you?" he shouts over Bush's limp and bleeding body. "We'll show you... we're taking Enron and Haliburton to Iraq!"

Next week: what will Bush do now? Will his dad come out of retirement to help the USA faction???

Ok, I'm going back under my rock now.
posted by frallyth at 10:18 AM on October 3, 2002

If only Jesse Ventura were president.
posted by callmejay at 10:29 AM on October 3, 2002

If Saddam lost he would have to let inspectors into his off-limits palaces (some of which are 11 sq miles!) and support the Halliburton pipeline.

If Bush lost he would have to be Sadam's punk-ass chump instead of Cheny's.

As George Carlin reportedly said: "I can't help thinking, if this president's name had been George Boner...well, he might have felt a little better about himself, and he wouldn't have had to kill all those children."
posted by ahimsakid at 10:33 AM on October 3, 2002

To be fair, neither Bush not Cheney has any significant military experience. Hussein and his two V.P.s are (or at least were) soldiers. This would be as lopsided a battle in its own way as the U.S. sending in its enormous, highly trained army to fight their small, poorly trained army. Thus, I wouldn't blame Bush at all if he was yella and turned down this "High Noon" style offer.
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:41 AM on October 3, 2002

soyjoy: "stra-TEE-gery." Try to see the skit.
posted by goethean at 11:55 AM on October 3, 2002

I seem to recall that Mullah Omar, also, challenged Bush to duel during the build up before Afghanistan. Letterman joked that Bush replied, "Sure ... in Florida."
posted by electro at 12:03 PM on October 3, 2002

Let the guy with grudge ("He tried to kill my father") put his own life on the line

"My name is Inigo Montoya...you killed my father...prepare to die." not that W. has ever seen that movie, but still...
posted by serafinapekkala at 12:36 PM on October 3, 2002

goethean: Thanks. If you're talking about SNL, I think I have seen one along those lines. But I was hoping for a little more credible ultimate source. As I recall, SNL followed Seinfeld's lead in saying "cli-TOR-is," for example.
posted by soyjoy at 12:41 PM on October 3, 2002

This has been a fantasy of mine since I was kid and I imagined Carter and the Ayatollah Khomeini dooking it out in a ring.

Why is it Saddam and Co. have such an easy time making this administration look like a bunch of heavy handed chumps? It's both funny and annoying... like that Marx bros film (hail hail Fredonia...) .

I would venture it's because this country, historically and to it's credit, has never done a good job of playing the preemptive strike aggressor...

Of course if there was proof....as opposed to a personal grudge (Bush) and oil greed (Cheney)...that would be a different story....and I fear that in retrospect this going to be a shameful time for this country....why the f**k don't we let the inspectors back in see how it goes and deal with Al Queda first??

Ugg....
posted by BruceLee_Archdiocese at 1:51 PM on October 3, 2002

could pies be involved? I love pie.
posted by clavdivs at 1:59 PM on October 3, 2002

I wish Saddam and
George Bush would duel using socks
filled with horse manure.
posted by xowie at 2:28 PM on October 3, 2002

You fools will never learn. We can't have a fair fight between Dubya and Saddam because SADDAM DOESN'T FIGHT FAIR. For years he's had a secret brass-knuckles development program!
posted by Hildago at 4:00 PM on October 3, 2002

Thus, I wouldn't blame Bush at all if he was yella and turned down this "High Noon" style offer.

Don't some rules of dueling allow for a proxy or champion to stand in for an important leader?

What about choice of weapons? Does the American president get to use American hardware?

Oh well, it doesn't matter. Regardless of who won or lost, neither of the respective governments wouldn't abide by the outcome.
posted by moonbiter at 4:05 PM on October 3, 2002

Bush was an aircraft pilot, wasn't he? How about a dogfight?
posted by moonbiter at 4:06 PM on October 3, 2002

Strangely, Bush was AWOL the week they taught dogfighting.
posted by Ty Webb at 4:44 PM on October 3, 2002

dogfighting with pies?
I will supply the kites.
posted by clavdivs at 4:57 PM on October 3, 2002

How about dueling banjos? Squeal like a pig, Saddam...
posted by scottfree at 5:26 PM on October 3, 2002

I'm laughing my ass off having read the FPP. Not because I've looked at the link -- which I can well imagine and won't waste my time on -- but at (probably unintended) comic juxtaposition of warfare and fairness. Yeah, as if.
posted by alumshubby at 6:38 PM on October 3, 2002

this is by my friend eriktown...


I got to thinking, though, about what would have happened if all previous conflicts in American history had been decided by duels, rather than battles. Here's a small
sampling:

THE MATCH: The Founding Fathers vs. King George III, Rex Britannia

THE PLAY: King George is ambushed on his way to the dueling grounds by
revolutionary soldiers who, for some inexplicable reason, refuse to wear
brightly-colored uniforms and march in a straight line. No replacement can
be found. The French judge declares a win for the Americans (after a hefty bribe).

THE OUTCOME: The British go home, have a cup of tea and sulk about their
newly-discovered inferiority complex. The Americans decide that they are
immortal.

THE MATCH: Prime Minister Winston Churchill vs. Der Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler

THE PLAY: Winston and Adolf play football (that's soccer, to you
Americans). Hitler commits suicide after overextending his reach without
adequate defense, and his body is immediately eaten by a pack of rabid
Manchester United fans.

THE OUTCOME: Winston has a cigar.

THE MATCH: President Harry Truman vs. Emperor Hirohito of Nippon

THE PLAY: Truman, in our reality, ordered two Japanese cities to be
vaporized. Hirohito was mostly interested in fish, between bouts of world
domination. Since Truman was the challenged party, he got to choose how
the duel would be fought. "Projectile weapons", he says. Hirohito agrees
and goes to get his pistol. Meanwhile, former field artillery captain
Truman directs the offshore bombardment of the dueling ground from the
safety of the bridge of a battleship.

THE OUTCOME: The Americans win because they have bigger guns. Everyone
agrees except for the Japanese, who tell their children that the match was
a draw because the Americans didn't play fair.

THE MATCH: President John F. Kennedy vs. Soviet Premier Nikita Khruschev

THE PLAY: Premier Khruschev beats Kennedy to death with his shoes.

THE OUTCOME: The Soviets win the Cold War, but their economy collapses
before they can take over the NATO bloc.

THE MATCH: President Richard Nixon vs. Hoh Chi Minh

THE PLAY: Nixon and Hoh Chi Minh have a sparring match. Hoh Chi Minh beats
the crap out of Nixon, since he's a hardcore revolutionary martial artist,
but Nixon keeps getting up and going back for more, until finally he loses
consciousness and has to be dragged out of the ring by the Democratic
Party.

THE OUTCOME: The Vietnamese get to just do their thing, and the Americans
go home in shame.

THE MATCH: President Bush the First versus President Saddam Hussein

THE PLAY: Saddam challenges Bush the First to a game of hide-and-seek in
the desert. Despite air-dropped supplies and a GPS navigation system, Bush
never does find Saddam.

THE OUTCOME: Driven mad by his master's defeat, General Norman
Schwartzkopf bombs the hell out of Iraq anyway, while the rest of the
world screams in protest. Saddam lives to fight Gulf War II against Bush
the Second.

THE MATCH: President Bill Clinton vs. President Slobodan Milosevic of
Serbia

THE PLAY: Solobodan fights Bill in a Serbian mass graveyard at midnight.
As they shake hands before the fight, Bill keels over because of the
contact poison Slobodan put on his glove. Slobodan buries Bill in the
grave, and later claims that Bill never showed.

THE OUTCOME: An investigation run by the Duel Crimes Tribunal at The Hague
uncovers Slobodan's treachery. He goes to jail, and the Americans bomb the
hell out of Serbia.

THE MATCH: President Bush the Second vs. Osama bin Laden

THE PLAY: Bush and bin Laden try to hunt each other down in a mountain
pass in Afghanistan. Bush gets lost and ends up in Iraq.

THE OUTCOME: Bush mistakes Iraq for Afghanistan, and orders the American
Air Force to bomb it anyway. Bush kills Saddam, but the judges rule the
move illegal, and the Americans are forced to make reparations. Bush says
that the judges must be in league with the Taliban.
posted by dmd at 7:17 PM on October 3, 2002

You know, if the President Bush or his administration were on the ball, they'd put out a press release accepting the duel, and make it known that three one-way tickets to Washington for the event had been sent to Bagdad.

That, or send Air Force One over to pick him up.

"What, you wanted to fight in Iraq?"
posted by moonbiter at 9:22 PM on October 3, 2002

callmejay Dude, I'm all over Jesse Ventura being the champion for the US. That's be hella cool since after Ventura kicked is ass and pushed his face in some dog doo, he'd make fun of him for being a wuss and wax poetic about when he was *cough* a Navy Seal. Mostly, I'd be in it for the pre-fight coverage.

Oh, or we could have each country put forth a giant fighting robot to determine the outcome! Even though Saddam is wrong, evil, destructive and in violation of UN resolutions, the world would abide by the result because it makes more sense than war!
posted by askheaves at 9:27 PM on October 3, 2002