'I am who I am'

October 8, 2002 11:27 AM

'I am who I am' A Florida man wanted to legally change his name to "God" but a judge denied his request. So he took a passage from the Bible where Moses asks God who he is and hears "I am who I am or I will be who I will be" I'm suprised that a government official would be protecting a religion-based request. Is there anything you shouldn't be allowed to change your name to?
posted by stevis (87 comments total)

Around 1986 I was in contact for awhile with an HP sales guy named, I kid you not, Warren God.

I wonder if he's still out there somewhere...
posted by ZenMasterThis at 11:29 AM on October 8, 2002

'Rembrandt Q. Einstein'
posted by jeb at 11:35 AM on October 8, 2002

Handsome B. Beautiful?
posted by jon_kill at 11:35 AM on October 8, 2002

Max Power
posted by Frank Grimes at 11:38 AM on October 8, 2002

Hootie McBoob ?
posted by jennyb at 11:39 AM on October 8, 2002

Oh damn, Grimey...
posted by jennyb at 11:39 AM on October 8, 2002

I'd like to change my legal name to my Social Security Number.

Please refer to me by my first name Fourtwentythree from now on. And that's Mr. Seventysixfifteen to the rest of you.
posted by Stan Chin at 11:40 AM on October 8, 2002

Surprised because you're not familiar with the first amendment?:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ...
posted by shoos at 11:42 AM on October 8, 2002

They turned down Heywood Jablome too.
posted by quercus at 11:43 AM on October 8, 2002

Abbott and Costello are entertaining the entire population of heaven with a brand new routine.
posted by orange swan at 11:44 AM on October 8, 2002

My favorite combination of the sacred and the profane was something a friend of ours made up, as his artist's name, 25 years ago: Buddah Flintstone. (But I gotta admit I also like Rembrandt Q. Einstein.)
posted by LeLiLo at 11:44 AM on October 8, 2002

So who wants to boggle the middle three digits of Stan's social security number?
posted by donkeyschlong at 11:44 AM on October 8, 2002

F*ck Q. Sh*t
Ayatollah Tufuqme
Chaim Cumming
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:46 AM on October 8, 2002

San Francisco residents may recall Jesus Christ Satan, who ran for mayor in the 1970's. It's hard to find references to him on the web now, but there are brief mentions of him here and here. I believe, though I cannot prove, that he later became the free-speech activist Jello Biafra. In each case, it was a legal name change, not a nom de guerre</i
posted by SealWyf at 11:49 AM on October 8, 2002

I'm a pretty average guy, and I'm all for having freedom to do this and that, but I'd have no problem refusing to let someone have the names
"Kill Whitey" or "Kill Nigga" or "Kill [insert ethnic background here]"
posted by grum@work at 11:52 AM on October 8, 2002

In the 1980's I heard of a guy who changed his name legally to "Trout Fishing in America". Nice to meet you Mr. America....
posted by Eekacat at 11:52 AM on October 8, 2002

Around 1995/6 when the WWW was new, phonebooks first started going online and they were incredibly useful and easy to use, with no ads, and with reverse number directories etc.

So my friend and I started looking up weird names and calling people. One of them was GOD who lived (strangely enough) in Hollywood, CA. So we call him up at around 3am Pacific time and he answers the phone in an incredibly deep voice. "Helllllllo". "Hello," I said, "Is this... God?" "Yes," he said, "This is God. How may I help you?"

We then got into a rather lengthy discussion about his pan-theistic beliefs, and how he fought the state for a few years and finally won the right to have his name changed to God and listed in the phone book. He said it was his dream to have an entire phone book filled with the name God. However he didn't have a good answer for when I asked him if that wouldn't make things a little confusing....

Checking out an online phonebook now, it seems that God may have moved to Sacramento.
posted by cell divide at 11:56 AM on October 8, 2002

Great link and great little story, stevis

The man is a Vietnam vet -- you can't blame him if he's a little, well, weird. (When I was 20 my life revolved around classes + parties, when he was 20 the poor bastard was in some rice paddie trying not to get his ass shot)

Last week, Who I Am bought a tombstone to be inscribed with his former name. He plans to plant in the tall grass on his property.
He said it will read, "'Charles Walter Haffey, born Sept. 23, 1948, and died Oct. 21, 1968, Republic of Vietnam.'"

I am too sentimental, but that's really, really sad
posted by matteo at 11:57 AM on October 8, 2002

Following the lead of folks like Prince, a few years ago, I announced that I was changing my name to "—." This of course is not unpronouncable as his was, so I told people to call me "Em Dash," or, perhaps, just "Dash" for short.

It uh...never caught on.
posted by NedKoppel at 11:59 AM on October 8, 2002

Did you go to school with God?

Hahahaha
posted by yhbc at 12:01 PM on October 8, 2002

I'll go with 'Mike Hunt'
posted by disgruntled at 12:03 PM on October 8, 2002

Ned: You are a man after my own heart (he says, posting as "stet")!
posted by stet at 12:04 PM on October 8, 2002

Eekacat: the guy who changed his name to 'trout fishing in america' was a 17 year-old highschool kid from carpenteria, ca, (a few miles south of santa barbara).
i remember it caused quite a stir at the time (i think it may have been the early '90's).
i did a google search but couldn't find much on him.
posted by dolface at 12:04 PM on October 8, 2002

There's a guy that owns an art store in Solana Beach (a ways north of San Diego) named Jack B. Quick.
posted by LionIndex at 12:08 PM on October 8, 2002

i believe most states prevent parents from registering birth certificates with baby names that are numerical (i.e. you can name your kid Eight but not 8) or "profane," and of course the latter is up to the local standards. as for the feds, the Social Security computer will not accept one-letter last names, like my friend James O, so he is "officially" James Oh.

names that should never have made the cut: those sisters from Texas named Ima, Ura, and Shea Hogg; all the Zappas; Dick Armey; and a (female) friend of a friend named Monday Morning Maile. seriously.
posted by serafinapekkala at 12:11 PM on October 8, 2002

NedKoppel - um.. in what character set/font is that symbol anything recognizable, and what does it look like (I can't imagine an "M-dash" character)? I just see the default "unprintable character" square.
posted by jozxyqk at 12:15 PM on October 8, 2002

In the 1980's I heard of a guy who changed his name legally to "Trout Fishing in America".

Wow - too much metafilter for me:

I thought you said Trout Fisting In America
posted by ao4047 at 12:17 PM on October 8, 2002

ao4047 - Needed a good laugh. Thank you!

serafina - Can't find anything supporting your Hogg family. Bummer!

My personal favorite: Richard Wype.
posted by widdershins at 12:23 PM on October 8, 2002

serafina - Can't find anything supporting your Hogg family. Bummer!

the Hogg sisters is a semi-urban legend, actually: there was a woman named Ima Hogg, and people just took that and ran with it.

I thought you said Trout Fisting In America

this has made my day... *wiping tears of mirth from face*
posted by serafinapekkala at 12:27 PM on October 8, 2002

There's someone in the Cleveland phone book named Zaphod Beeblebrox. No foolin'.
posted by starvingartist at 12:28 PM on October 8, 2002

This thread has some interesting names.
posted by jasonspaceman at 12:30 PM on October 8, 2002

starvingartist: There's someone in the Cleveland phone book named Zaphod Beeblebrox. No foolin'

You can usually get the phone company to list you in the book under whatever name you'd like, within reason. This gives you a somewhat unlisted number. Also, when somebody calls asking for the fake name you know it's a telemarketer.
posted by SteveInMaine at 1:02 PM on October 8, 2002

Uh ... Phil McCracken...
posted by ith at 1:11 PM on October 8, 2002

There's also a band called Trout Fishing in America. Why'd they pick that domain name though? Now we'll never have any of those barking dogs christmas albums down by trout. Bastards.
posted by Ufez Jones at 1:11 PM on October 8, 2002

A few favorites:

A guy was recently refused the right to change his name to Santa Claus on the grounds that it would upset children to see an obituary for Santa.

When Frank and Gail Zappa went to the hospital to have their first child, the nurse refused to allow them to name him Dweezil. He was instead born Ian Donald Calvin Euclid Zappa. Little Dweezil himself didn't know his real name until it was time to register for kindergarten, at which point he demanded that his parents change it.

My girlfriend is a teacher, and one of her colleagues had a student last year named Cutin Chubby. Go ahead, say it aloud. I imagine they thought it would be cute while he was a kid, not realizing that even if they changed it later, his birth certificate would always say Cutin Chubby, even if his business cards said Bill Chubby.
posted by Acetylene at 1:14 PM on October 8, 2002

At a recent business convention, a gentleman's name tage read Dick Rash.
I kid you not - you'd think he would at least go by Richard, but nope, he was all "Hi, Dick Rash; nice to meet you." I had to excuse myself and laughed myself silly in the restroom.
TRUE STORY!
posted by tr33hggr at 1:22 PM on October 8, 2002

Trout Fisting In America

Calling User 10313...
posted by languagehat at 1:23 PM on October 8, 2002

Not quite the same thing, but I knew a guy in college who changed his legal signature so he could sign his checks "Cap'n Dave".
posted by monosyllabic at 1:24 PM on October 8, 2002

When I was living in the Bay Area with my girlfriend at the time, we decided to get a second phone line for our apartment and wanted to use a fake name for the telephone book listing. Our choice: "Montgomery Bird"-- the name of one of our lovebirds.

So the phone company worker comes to install the new line, and wants to know what name we want on the line:

Me: "Montgomery Bird"
Installer: "Are you Mr. Bird?"
Me: "No, he's our lovebird." (pointing to cage)
Installer: "Oh.. I was just wondering because my uncle's name is Montgomery Bird, and I wondered if there was any relation."
Me: "Not that I know of."


Montgomery later laid a couple infertile eggs. So much for our sexing skills.
posted by starkeffect at 1:31 PM on October 8, 2002

Here and here will provide a few to pick from. I'll get back to work now.
posted by mss at 1:36 PM on October 8, 2002

Before my (older) brother was born, my parents toyed around with such first name possibilities as "Deutsch", "Trade", "Book", "Water", "Birth", "Pock", and "Bench".
posted by nickmark at 1:40 PM on October 8, 2002

i work with a gentleman whose given name is Max Paradise. he is by far the coolest person i know.

also, if i remember clearly, my 12th grade calculus teacher toyed with the idea of naming his kids from this list: Doctor, Grandma (after his recently deceased relative), Khamir, Normal (shortened to norm for a nickname), and a rather gutteral clicking noise which i can't seem to replicate in this font. oh, i believe a few prime numbers made the list as well. his wife objected.
posted by carsonb at 1:56 PM on October 8, 2002

sorry for the length.

(A cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant chatter.)

Host: Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbout. John Stokes, this is A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah!
Mr Git: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git.
John: Oh ... yes, yes.
Mr Git: We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh?
John: Yes, yes, I suppose so.
(Mrs Git approaches.)
Mr Git: Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr... what was it?
John: Stokes-John Stokes.
Mr Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old.
John: Oh, er, how do you do.
Mrs Git: How do you do.
(Mrs Stokes appears.)
Mrs Stokes: Darling, there you are!
John: Yes, yes, here I am, yes.
Mr Git: Oh, is this your wife?
John: Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits.
Mrs Stokes: (slightly shocked) What?
John: The Gits.
Mr Git: Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames?
John: Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this... this... this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.

the rest is here
posted by PugAchev at 1:57 PM on October 8, 2002

I knew a Justin Case. He liked to use his middle initial...
There was a local news anchor in Albany, NY for years-named? Dick Wood.
My sister went to school with an Anal Lipshitz.
Student at the high school I work at? LaTrine. Lots of Tywans (TyJuan), too. Millionaire graduated last year.
Friend from college, Christian Harold.
But my vote for banned name? Ben Dover.
posted by oflinkey at 1:59 PM on October 8, 2002

A friend of mine worked for a while with a woman named Aquanetta.
posted by Acetylene at 2:03 PM on October 8, 2002

A girl I work with used to work with someone who named her daughter Vaginal Delight.
posted by Apoch at 2:14 PM on October 8, 2002

Christian White
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 2:18 PM on October 8, 2002

There is always local Chicago politician Dick Devine, NBA assistant coach Dick Harter (pronounced "Harder") or former NBA star World B. Free.
posted by Bag Man at 2:20 PM on October 8, 2002

A company I worked for had a customer called Ellie Phant. Shame I never got to speak to her.
posted by Saima at 2:22 PM on October 8, 2002

My mother once had a client whose daughter was named Dementia. I've seen pictures.

And my ex-father-in-law did admin stuff in a school that contained one Zucchini Syndrome Thomas. So he said.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:29 PM on October 8, 2002

I have always been fond of: Joe Nova
posted by clavdivs at 2:32 PM on October 8, 2002

i went to highschool with Amanda Touch.
posted by jojomnky at 2:55 PM on October 8, 2002

My gynecologist is Dr. Cox.
posted by Alylex at 3:11 PM on October 8, 2002

Some admiration must be spared for the elegance of the name Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards.
posted by MUD at 3:15 PM on October 8, 2002

Jack Mehoff.
Fuh Q. Bush
posted by quonsar at 3:20 PM on October 8, 2002

Basketball God:
In fact, the only better name in the history of the world was God Shamgod. He was a basketball player for the University of Providence a few years ago, until an NBA scout offered him the opportunity of a lifetime: to play in approximately three games in the National Basketball Association and never be heard from again. All he had to do in exchange is give up his education and agree to disappear off the face of the earth. Regardless, he has "God" in his name, twice. And his last name is "Shamgod."
posted by cholstro at 3:24 PM on October 8, 2002

well a turkish couple was banned earlier this year by the German court from naming their baby "Osama Bin Laden". i think given the current feeling in the west about that name that the court made a wise ruling. poor kid. no doubt his parents will try and mess him up in many other ways.
posted by henriettachicken at 3:32 PM on October 8, 2002

Alylex, my contact at my recently deceased father's bank is Bernadette, which I always have trouble not sniggering at.

There was a guy called Radion Automatic a while back.

The man (I think) and the washing powder (which has disappeared. I hate you Unilever...)
posted by twine42 at 3:40 PM on October 8, 2002

A guy at my school---I think he graduated last year---was named 'St. Paul'. I live in St. Paul, MN, but more amusing is the redundency that would be if he were to be declared a saint: St. St. Paul. (Not that it would be likely according to his observed behavior...)
posted by Utilitaritron at 3:41 PM on October 8, 2002

Elvis Hercules graduated from my school last year.
What a great mix of modern and ancient mythologies.
posted by Newbornstranger at 4:01 PM on October 8, 2002

My 2¢:

I went to high school with a girl whose last name was "Herr" (pronounced "hair"). Her dad's name was Dick.

Also, I used to know a man who changed his name to Mr. Dover. First name? Scab.

Please, help me understand.
posted by triggerfinger at 4:04 PM on October 8, 2002

Oliver Klozov. And I would get to keep my first name.
posted by owillis at 4:13 PM on October 8, 2002

The name everyone should change theirs to immediately: Majestic Mapp, who plays for UVa's basketball team. His brother's name is Scientific.
posted by Kotch at 4:21 PM on October 8, 2002

I'm suprised that a government official would be protecting a religion-based request.

You are??

Is there anything you shouldn't be allowed to change your name to?

No.
posted by rushmc at 4:30 PM on October 8, 2002

Is there anything you shouldn't be allowed to change your name to?

No.

Why shouldn't I be allowed to change my name to No?
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 4:31 PM on October 8, 2002

How about NFL player/commentator Dick Butkiss? That should really be illegal...
posted by jono at 5:02 PM on October 8, 2002

The highlight of my reporting career was when I got to interview Smoki Bacon (it was so anticlimactic after that, I had to change jobs).
posted by agaffin at 5:14 PM on October 8, 2002

Well, if he really is God, that judge is in for one Hell of an afterlife.
posted by prodigalsun at 6:11 PM on October 8, 2002

NedKoppel - um.. in what character set/font is that symbol anything recognizable, and what does it look like (I can't imagine an "M-dash" character)? I just see the default "unprintable character" square.

The M-dash is a dash the width of the letter M. It's used to indicate a sudden break in thought, open ranges (1981—), missing letters, etc.

It looks like: — (&#8212;), which should work pretty much everywhere, even in NS4. mefe's comment system looks like it replaces HTML entities for their actual characters though, so you might have to write a quick HTML document to see for yourself.

Failing that, most people type it as --.
posted by Freaky at 6:13 PM on October 8, 2002

(Ah, no, it only does that for preview. \o/)
posted by Freaky at 6:14 PM on October 8, 2002

How about NFL player/commentator Dick Butkiss? That should really be illegal...
Actually, some friends and me were discussing that the other day when we came to the conclusion that he can get away with that name because he can kick your ass. Think about it...one of the most feared football players of all time. Men like that can be called whatever the hell they want, and if you don't like it, welcome to the beating of a lifetime =)
posted by jmd82 at 6:36 PM on October 8, 2002

That NFL player/commentator is also further insulated by the fact that his last name isn't Butkiss, it's Butkus.

My gynecologist is Dr. Cox.

The woman who delivered two of my children was named Bay Brahma-Berediatienda. She was affectionately known as Dr. Bay Bs. (Say it aloud.) She's unfortunately passed on, I feel badly that more children couldn't be brought into the world by Dr. Babies.
posted by Dreama at 7:11 PM on October 8, 2002

My wife and I talked about naming our first child Crazy Old Man.
"Who's that cute little boy over there in the sandbox?"
"That's CRAZY OLD MAN SIMS!"
He would have been doomed to living in a house full cats and old newspapers and yelling at kids to stay out of his yard by the time he was 25.
We also thought Aryan Zulu would've been funny. We weren't very smart.
Both of our children ended up with good names, though. (Aaron Levi and Alexander Lynn)
posted by agentfresh at 7:14 PM on October 8, 2002

Bernadette, which I always have trouble not sniggering at.

Dude, you can't snigger at Bernadette! Have you not heard the song? The Four Tops at their best...
posted by BinGregory at 7:26 PM on October 8, 2002

While I was working at a university here in New Zealand, I noticed the enrolment system contained an entry for Ocean Sunflower Africa Springsteen. Yes, she was a real student, not test data. Not so sure about Genghis Cohen, though, who was enrolled in the late 70s...
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:40 PM on October 8, 2002

A friend of my wife's works in Labor & Delivery at the local hospital. Some of the names that have passed through there:

Millennia Perez (born 12/29/99)
Twin girls named Princess Diana and Beth (playing favorites already?)
Jiminy Tricket
Jack Frost (several actually)
Lykin James Bond (my favorite)
Many many more that I can't bring to mind at the moment.

Oh, and I used to work for a telemarketing company that worked specifically with doctors...had to call a Urologist name Dick Hertz. I swear!
posted by lasthrsman at 7:57 PM on October 8, 2002

'I am who I am'

I thought that was Popeye..
posted by jonmc at 8:06 PM on October 8, 2002

Oh man, i can't believe i forgot this earlier: my friend's sister worked as a nurse in a local clinic where they would read out the patient's first name and last initial in the waiting room to call them for their appointment. Michelle looks at the list one day and the name "Vagina H." appears. she is too mortified to blurt it out, so she tries it with a bit of a Spanish inflection: "Is *Va-hee-nah* H. here?" a large and bemused woman stood up and boomed, "Honey, my name's VAGINA!" true story.
posted by serafinapekkala at 9:10 PM on October 8, 2002

I used to know a guy who had his name legally changed to Lunatic. Wonder what happened to him.

And speaking of unfortunate names, I used to work with a guy named Harry Ball.
posted by kindall at 9:28 PM on October 8, 2002

Further hilarity ensues if you speak a little-known language.

The title of this site, for example:
www.getfitta.co.uk
translates to, in Swedish, a rather rude expression for the genitalia of a female goat.
posted by spazzm at 11:43 PM on October 8, 2002

In Australia voting is compulsory, or at least turning up at the electoral booth and having your name marked off the roll is. About three percent of voters leave their forms blank, fill it out incorrectly or leave a message telling the officials just were they can shove the form. These are called informal votes. A local guy decided to take advantage of this system and changed his name to "Informal" which did not sit well with the Australian Electoral Commission.

I'll go with 'Mike Hunt'. I am serious when I tell you that I know a guy with that name. Strangely, he tends to avoid telling people his real name but his mates quite often call him "Yorick".
posted by Tarrama at 1:20 AM on October 9, 2002

I've yet to find out if it's an urban legend, but there was a story a while back about a woman who had her child by C section. When she was with it enough to pay attention to her daughter, she discovered that the nurses had already named her child.

WHat had actually happened was that the midewife had posted a medical not to the end of the cot, telling the nurses that she needed tests done.

The girl is now called Urine, pronounced You-Rean-e...
posted by twine42 at 1:23 AM on October 9, 2002

On second thoughts, maybe I should just give up... ;)
posted by twine42 at 1:27 AM on October 9, 2002

The father of 1976 Olympic cross-country ski medalist Bill Koch got tired of people misprouncing his last name and went to court to legally change it to "Coke-Is-It". Details here.
posted by beagle at 9:46 AM on October 9, 2002

I went to school with a girl named Windy (not Wendy) Winters. Also a classmate was William Faulkner, as was Terra Foreman (which sounds like terraformin', at least to sci-fi fans.) And then there was the girl with the last name of Nappi.

Of course, there is also the podiatrist Dr. Foote.

I once saw a post on an online message board by [e-mail]. My first thought was that "niggsta" was something that Dr. Dre might say, as in "I'm the number 1 niggsta in da house!" I emailed niggsta and found out that her company's convention for email addresses was the first 7 letters of the last name, and if the last name was too short letters from the first name would be used. Her name was "Stacy Nigg". She noted that her sister was "Leslie Nigg" who, if she worked at the same company, would be niggles.
posted by quarantine at 3:29 PM on October 9, 2002

. . . God Shamgod. He was a basketball player for the University of Providence a few years ago

This made me think of Wonderful Terrific Monds, the baseball player. And not only that, he's W.T.M. the Third.
posted by LeLiLo at 1:01 AM on October 10, 2002

I wanted to call my first son Dig Dug, after my favorite youth video game character, but my wife vetoed it. Would have been nicely alliterating with his last name though: Dig Dug Dijk.
posted by Berend at 2:05 AM on October 10, 2002