October 8, 2002

1:16 PM

Executive Chute. Sorry, middle managers, staff, administrative support. Why don't you, uh, go ahead and try that elevator again.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders (23 comments total)

i think you officially have my favorite mefi handle.
posted by donkeyschlong at 1:20 PM on October 8, 2002

Double post... kind of.
posted by starvingartist at 1:20 PM on October 8, 2002

uh, i really hope that's a joke.

Anyhow, how would a parachute system work? There's not enough horizontal clearance between a person and the side of a building to do this safely. Hang gliding would be more appropriate.
posted by PrinceValium at 1:21 PM on October 8, 2002

If you don't believe it, smart guy, you can read the testimonials.
posted by Samsonov14 at 1:29 PM on October 8, 2002

donkeyschlong: Stop looking at my chest.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 1:31 PM on October 8, 2002

Strangely, no mention of leaping from buildings in those testimonials.
posted by Samsonov14 at 1:31 PM on October 8, 2002

Does it come in a nice golden color?
posted by moonbiter at 1:38 PM on October 8, 2002

Great link! I think it might work. Base jumpers jump from buildings and steep cliffs all the time. And the chute is just a repackaged old model of reserve chute that skydivers have used for years. Sure, it's more dangerous jumping from a building than from an airplane, but if the alternative is certain death, I'd give it a try.

I don't think the product will sell too well, though (if it is a real product). Installing these in an office is like telling your employees that they work in a very hazardous environment. Also, there's the cost. Will you buy enough for everybody, which is expensive, or only for the top brass? As stupidsexyFlanders alluded to, how do you tell them and not the others?
posted by Triplanetary at 2:21 PM on October 8, 2002

PrinceValium
Anyhow, how would a parachute system work? There's not enough horizontal clearance between a person and the side of a building to do this safely.

Of course it's a joke. Without a reliable launching system, this thing is worthless.


The red helmet is optional.
posted by facapulco at 2:26 PM on October 8, 2002

There's not enough horizontal clearance between a person and the side of a building to do this safely.

I think the intent is not so much to be safe, but rather just safer than jumping without one.
posted by HTuttle at 2:34 PM on October 8, 2002

I could see a thief using this product to rob people on the higher floors of buildings and then parachuting out the window. Its probably not the most practical way to escape but I'm sure someone would try it.
posted by Stynxno at 2:41 PM on October 8, 2002

The problems I see with this:

1. You have to get into the harness to use it, and this is no small trick to do by yourself. In a dire situation, would you trust your secretary to gear you up?
2. Skydiving ain't like dustin' crops, boy! People who want to use this had best get training and then remain current. Not doing this would increase the risk factor significantly.
3. It looks like they are selling reserve chutes, which are not as controllable as main chutes. Considering the weird wind currents you see in major urban areas, you are just asking to smack into a building or the pavement at a high rate of speed.

I wouldn't waste my money. But then, I'm not a frightened business executive in a high rise.
posted by moonbiter at 3:03 PM on October 8, 2002

Well, even if the clearance from the building isn't great enough, you'd maybe slow down enough not to kill people you may land on, right?

I've always thought that everyone in super high rises should have one of these. I sure as hell want one for where I work, and I'm only on the 32nd floor.
posted by Busithoth at 3:09 PM on October 8, 2002

So, instead of the executive ball clicker, we have the executive ass saver?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 3:25 PM on October 8, 2002

And Stynxno- I don't exactly see how slowly parachuting out a window in using a device specifically designed to make you take a slow amount of time to reach your destination is a beter alternative for theives than blending in with the rest of the building employees and sneaking out in a crowded elevator. A daring escape via parachute would seem to me to give enough time for a few cops to, say, stand right under you with shotguns.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 3:28 PM on October 8, 2002

sure as hell want one for where I work, and I'm only on the 32nd floor

That's about a five-second fall, assuming 4 meters a floor. I could be wrong, but I think it is unlikely that your parachute would open up and slow you down enough to save you, even assuming that you had a static line to open it for you as soon as you jumped. When jumping from an aircraft, I was taught that the six-second mark is when you check to see if your canopy opened correctly.
posted by moonbiter at 3:54 PM on October 8, 2002

I like this idea better - but it is apparently only developed for up to about 22 floors so far. The inventors claim that they are working on more advanced systems for higher floors.
posted by madamjujujive at 4:14 PM on October 8, 2002

I like the caption beneath the image. For illustration only. No actual jump from this building took place. Damn. No jump from *that* building? What about some other building?
posted by pjgirl at 5:51 PM on October 8, 2002

For XQUZYPHYR - I agree with you that its probably not the most practical way to rob a building but here's my reasoning. The makers of this product claim that the descent speed is roughly 1000 feet per minute. It would take, assuming that there was no major breezes that day, roughly two minutes to descend to the bottom. Cops usually take longer than that to respond to a robbery call so you would have time to escape. Also, it might be possible to float down onto a neighboring building, allowing you an even easier way to flee the scene. But if you really wanted to pull this type of robbery off, you'd want to be very skilled at parachuting and probably could design your own chute that would work better than this device.
posted by Stynxno at 6:51 PM on October 8, 2002

I vaguely remember reading that Donald Trump had something like that made for him after September 11th. I wouldn't normally believe that, but I think Trump really is that vain. He just better hope it's still there by the time he needs it.
posted by SimStupid at 7:16 PM on October 8, 2002

Dammit people! Hasn't anyone seen the 1994 Wesley Snipes thriller Drop Zone???

It details the exploits of a wily skydiving team led by Gary Busey who infiltrate a bank during a Fourth of July fireworks exhibition by parachuting onto the rooftop of the building. There escape plan? Base jumping onto an awaiting dump truck adjacent to the building. Thank god we have heroes like Mr. Snipes and Yancy Butler (Witchblade herself!) to foil the attempts of criminals like these!
posted by Stan Chin at 7:25 PM on October 8, 2002

moonbiter:
I was taught that the six-second mark is when you check to see if your canopy opened correctly.

Why? What's the point? Is this when one would pull a reserve chute if one saw clear blue sky? Just wondering what good it does you, or if you're better off not knowing...
posted by vito90 at 9:12 PM on October 8, 2002

Why? What's the point? Is this when one would pull a reserve chute if one saw clear blue sky?

Sometimes. There are more than a few ways that a parachute can malfunction, and many of these are correctable if you have time to implement some simple procedures.

The key element here is time. Time is life, and altitude is time. The higher you are, the more time you have to fix problems when they occur. That's the big problem with these executive parachute thingies. If you're a novice jumper, even the highest buildings simply don't give you enough time. It's more of an emotional feel-good measure than an effective life-saving device.

I guess in a certain-death situation jumping would be a risk to take, but how does one judge a certain-death situation? I can just see executives bailing off rooftops with these things whenever they think there is an emergency (whether there really is one or not), and getting killed in the process.

I just wouldn't waste the money. But then I live in rural Indiana.
posted by moonbiter at 11:50 PM on October 8, 2002