Metafilter
October 9, 2002 8:54 AM   Subscribe

Metafilter is a genetically-modified sheep that keeps your carpets clean! It communicates with wireless devices and makes reassuring noises.
posted by revbrian (129 comments total)
 
Amanda (my name) is apparently a credit card that swears! Excellent.

This kinda reminds me of Dack's Web Economy Bullshit Generator.

Both very funny sites.
posted by aacheson at 9:02 AM on October 9, 2002


pfuller is a burger carton that traps small animals! It responds to ambient light changes.
posted by pfuller at 9:03 AM on October 9, 2002


I'm a cufflink that has been featured in Star Trek and plugs into your fork.

What, that's like a transponder, right?
posted by cx at 9:03 AM on October 9, 2002


grum@work is like a normal gas-mask, but it responds to ambient light changes.

Blah.
posted by grum@work at 9:05 AM on October 9, 2002


I want to know what kind of reassuring noises a sheep can make. Sounds intriguing.
posted by aacheson at 9:06 AM on October 9, 2002


Harry Potter Nimbus Broomstick is a scooter that's programmed against harming humans! It may cause drowsiness and displays pornography.

I win.
posted by Stan Chin at 9:10 AM on October 9, 2002


jonmc is a baseball cap that anticipates your every move! It can only be operated by a trained professional.

Cool. I'm psychic headgear! Any trained professionals out there wanna operate me?
posted by jonmc at 9:11 AM on October 9, 2002


terrapin gardens is a lunchbox that has a human brain inside! It is only visible under ultraviolet light and is not suitable for children.

An invisible lunchbox with a human brain! Very cool.
posted by terrapin at 9:14 AM on October 9, 2002


Dr_Octavius is a handgun that disables itself if it's taken more than 100 feet away from its base and moves from side to side.

And with this I shall take over the world!!
posted by Dr_Octavius at 9:14 AM on October 9, 2002


Ufez is a wrapping paper that makes you invisible! It catches fire very easily.

I am the God of hellfire, and I bring you.....
posted by Ufez Jones at 9:15 AM on October 9, 2002


Dean Kamen's IT is like a normal jetpack, but it bleeps when you whistle for it.

Segway 2.0??? This is getting fun.
posted by Stan Chin at 9:16 AM on October 9, 2002


bhell13 is a wafer-thin plastic sheet that secretes a sticky glue!

nice.
posted by bhell13 at 9:16 AM on October 9, 2002


For more great product ideas, play The Big Idea, by Cheapass Games. Invent such products as Accelerated Cat (It's like a cat ... but twice as fast!), Dangerous Dot Com (It's like an e-commerce portal ... that could explode at any minute!), and Unholy Pants (It's like a good pair of pants ... that's an abomination of nature!). Get venture capitalists to invest in your product, and earn big money when it goes public.

The Big Idea is a security camera that will make your freezer obsolete! It loves you as a person.
posted by CrunchyFrog at 9:18 AM on October 9, 2002


Monju bosatsu is cigarette lighter that's water-resistant! It never needs repairing. Now that's a useful thing to have.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 9:19 AM on October 9, 2002


Sony Playstation 2 is a games console that fires plastic darts!

Must be an add-on Module that I haven't heard of.
posted by Stan Chin at 9:22 AM on October 9, 2002


goethean is a marker pen that catches small fish, connects to the Internet and sticks to the skin.

Can some geek/wizard explain how this website works?...it's not completely random...only partially so...?
posted by goethean at 9:24 AM on October 9, 2002


Time Cube is a cigarette lighter that asks trivia questions! It spins about its axis.

It's all so clear to me now...
posted by thewittyname at 9:25 AM on October 9, 2002


The Matrix is an iMac that detects evil and glows with an eerie green light.

Best one yet! Sorry for the multiple posts, but I keep finding new ones.
posted by Stan Chin at 9:26 AM on October 9, 2002


Adam Hindman is a contraceptive device that has a built-in motion sensor, runs on a single AA battery and looks really, really good.

Yeah, pretty much. I do require the occasional taco in addition to the AA battery.
posted by Hildago at 9:27 AM on October 9, 2002


"ZachsMind is a newly-discovered breed of fish that's two inches tall! It is twenty feet tall and is bigger on the inside than the outside."

Well no wonder my aftershave isn't helping.

"The NPR 100 is a parachute that doesn't need oiling and plays Sokoban."

Great. Now you tell me.
posted by ZachsMind at 9:28 AM on October 9, 2002


Luriete is a robotic dog that kills fleas! It mimics its user.

Now that's an actually useful product right there. But why would a robotic dog even have fleas?
posted by luriete at 9:29 AM on October 9, 2002


Steve_At_Linnwood is a housebrick that hangs upside-down from the ceiling! It communicates with other copies of itself and works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect.

hmmmm.... Housebrick eh?
posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 9:38 AM on October 9, 2002


This is fun, and this is going to generate 150+ comments before the day is out, I'm sure.
posted by mcwetboy at 9:38 AM on October 9, 2002


Can some geek/wizard explain how this website works?...it's not completely random...only partially so...?

Well, I'm not a geek but I'll have a go. Basically you have a number of templates which are used to construct a sentence. For example "[item] is a [noun] that [adjective] [noun]. It [adjective] [noun] using ..." etc.etc. (I'm sure you get the idea).

Now if I was writing it, I'd do some maths with the letters of the name of the product. For example, assume A is 1, B is 2 and so on and then sum various bits of the product name. Then with those numbers you can pick out specific verbs and nouns from a long list.

Therefore, if you do it that way you'll always get the same sentence for the same word (it would appear to ignore case too).

Hows that for a description?

Ps. ralawrence is a credit card that remembers your personal preferences! It is used by the US military and flies like a rocket.
posted by ralawrence at 9:38 AM on October 9, 2002


"mr_crash_davis is a personal organiser! It can heat a small house!"

That's right, baby. I'm hot and organised.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:39 AM on October 9, 2002


"Ginger is a bathtub that's heavier than it looks! It comes in seven different colours and bleeps when you whistle for it."

I knew it wasn't that Segway thing.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:40 AM on October 9, 2002


"Grey Ask is a five-dimensional fishpond blessed by a priest. It boosts self-confidence"

what's up with all the fish references?
posted by G_Ask at 9:41 AM on October 9, 2002


Knitwit is a rubber fish that hums incessantly! It can be bolted onto a belt buckle and squeaks.
posted by KnitWit at 9:42 AM on October 9, 2002


Condom is a hole-punch that anticipates your every move, increases your sex appeal and is slightly hallucinogenic.

The Wonderbra is a mattress that comes with a variety of coloured fascias! It loves you as a person and traps mice in a humane fashion.

Never used it to catch mice before.

The Hello Kitty Vibrator is a walking stick that plays MP3s! It smells of flowers and stays exactly where you leave it.

I'll be here all thread folks, try the veal and tip your waitstaff.
posted by Stan Chin at 9:43 AM on October 9, 2002


Arqa is a wristwatch that has a built-in alarm clock! It makes you invisible and moulds vegetables.

I never knew I was so useful.
posted by Arqa at 9:43 AM on October 9, 2002


I put a random # in: Design #25489
It's a video recorder that can communicate with your CD-rom!


Yea and it saying, Thom don't get rid of the vcr, just because dvd is the only way you can rent new releases...........
posted by thomcatspike at 9:45 AM on October 9, 2002


I added a space between Zachs and Mind and got a dramatically different result. Wouldn't adding a space just alter the math slightly?

Ella Fitzgerald is a diamond ring that asks trivia questions! It sends and receives text messages and cuts through stone as if it were butter.

I knew there was always a reason why I liked her...
posted by ZachsMind at 9:46 AM on October 9, 2002


PugAchev is a milk carton! It is actually just a solid block of plastic!

explains so much.
posted by PugAchev at 9:46 AM on October 9, 2002


penis is a razor that moulds to fit its user, floats in water and will not work outside of the UK.
posted by Fabulon7 at 9:47 AM on October 9, 2002


"nthdegx is like a normal billboard, but it looks bigger than it really is."
posted by nthdegx at 9:48 AM on October 9, 2002


Johnny Assay is a belt buckle that checks your spelling, is completely reversible and uses human blood for fuel.

Mwahahahahahaha!
posted by Johnny Assay at 9:48 AM on October 9, 2002


vito90 is a carpet that comes in seven different colours, can be used to deter muggers and works underwater.
posted by vito90 at 9:49 AM on October 9, 2002


Do not get the next upgrade for the iPod.
posted by furiousthought at 9:50 AM on October 9, 2002


dvd
"dvd is a security camera that cleans itself! It can run MAME roms and exists in five dimensions."

"big mac is a vacuum cleaner! It kills fleas!"

posted by nthdegx at 9:52 AM on October 9, 2002


The Prior-Art-O-Matic is a pair of shoes! It jams mobile phone frequencies!
posted by Fabulon7 at 9:52 AM on October 9, 2002


recockulous is a web page that sends and receives faxes, keeps children amused and is completely reversible.


suolukcocer is a TV remote control that pushes things down staircases!


My name backwards makes a better product.
posted by Recockulous at 9:53 AM on October 9, 2002


me3dia is a marker pen that stays sharp forever!

Cool! I've been meaning to replace this old rollerball for awhile now.
posted by me3dia at 9:54 AM on October 9, 2002


The Inanimate Carbon Rod is a first-aid kit that detects harmful gases, can be used in zero-gravity and cannot be moved.

Those who remember the Simpsons Episode, will find this to be completely true.

That's it, I'm going back to work.
posted by Stan Chin at 9:56 AM on October 9, 2002


mss is a deck of cards that can be used as a metal detector!
Guess I win for most boring. Sounds like a stud finder.
posted by mss at 9:57 AM on October 9, 2002


sit on my face is a wafer-thin plastic sheet! It secretes a sticky glue!
posted by Recockulous at 9:58 AM on October 9, 2002



Grod
is a bar of soap that self-replicates and counts your loose change.

Damn, a self replicating bar of soap would be pretty cool, think of all the money you'd save.
posted by Grod at 10:03 AM on October 9, 2002


witty is a belt buckle that has no moving parts! It sounds better than it looks and follows you around.

M'well alrighty then.
posted by Witty at 10:08 AM on October 9, 2002


Plunge
Plunge is a T-shirt that disposes of kitchen waste, is inflammable and emits dangerous radiation.

God
God is a sock that's covered with realistic fur! It improves blood clotting.

Satan
Satan is a toothbrush that looks like a fish! It has been featured in Star Trek and catches small fish.

President Bush
President Bush is a rocket launcher! It repairs itself!
posted by Plunge at 10:11 AM on October 9, 2002


Sorry... couldn't resist this last one.

Matthew Haughey's Metafilter is a hammer! It will drive you insane!

I formally challenge anyone else to find as many accurate descriptions as I have. This of course, requires having no life. Winner gets the hand of the fair maiden.
posted by Stan Chin at 10:13 AM on October 9, 2002


jazon is like a normal deck of cards, but it pings when it's ready.

ping ping ping
posted by jazon at 10:13 AM on October 9, 2002


the hand of the fair maiden is a candle that produces pure oxygen!

I'll take two
posted by jazon at 10:14 AM on October 9, 2002


moss is a personal organiser that's built and maintained by tiny nano-robots! It is only visible under ultraviolet light.

Cool! Not only am I a personal organiser, just like mr_crash_davis, but I've also got tiny machines!
posted by moss at 10:16 AM on October 9, 2002


Bill Gates is a human clone that's voice-activated!

Where's that fair maiden?
posted by starvingartist at 10:20 AM on October 9, 2002


the meaning of life is like a normal greetings card, but it vibrates.
posted by starvingartist at 10:23 AM on October 9, 2002


our love:

"Our love is a diamond ring! It catches fire very easily!"
posted by Pinwheel at 10:24 AM on October 9, 2002


My ass is like a normal waffle iron, but it's laced with vodka.
posted by starvingartist at 10:25 AM on October 9, 2002


geekyguy is a piece of string that bleeps when you whistle for it!

Edsel Ranger, (my car), is a car that plays light music! I wish it had a radio.
posted by geekyguy at 10:26 AM on October 9, 2002


Last one, I swear...

Sex is a CD player that cannot be removed from your house! It produces 240v of electricity and probably won't work.

So, so true.
posted by starvingartist at 10:26 AM on October 9, 2002


pinkstainlesstail is a video recorder that has adverts on the side, responds to temperature changes and never gets tired.
Hmmm...
"pinkstainlesstail is a video recorder that has adverts on the side, responds to temperature changes and never gets tired" is a WAP device that can be bolted onto a fizzy drink and provides an RSS feed.
Hmmmm...
"'pinkstainlesstail is a video recorder that has adverts on the side, responds to temperature changes and never gets tired' is a WAP device that can be bolted onto a fizzy drink and provides an RSS feed" is like a normal screwdriver, but it folds away when not in use.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:26 AM on October 9, 2002


Strangely accurate.
posted by benjh at 10:28 AM on October 9, 2002


this thread is a strain of bacteria that will make your samurai sword obsolete! It plays MP3s.

Rockin!
posted by jazon at 10:30 AM on October 9, 2002


gsteff is like a normal Christmas tree, but it looks like a fish.
posted by gsteff at 10:35 AM on October 9, 2002


saddam hussain is a breakfast cereal that runs on compressed air! It can be implanted into the arm and plays a mean game of Go.

george w bush is an umbrella that irons your shirts!

osama bin laden is a wastepaper basket that has sleek curves! It knows your name and responds to ambient light changes.

it all makes sense now.
posted by quarsan at 10:37 AM on October 9, 2002


Nubian is a feather duster that comes with a variety of colored fascias, won't make a hole in your wallet and dispenses pills

Pederass is an electric drill! It can disable electrical hardware!
posted by SimStupid at 10:38 AM on October 9, 2002


zerofoks is a glass bead that's great for hammering in nails!
posted by zerofoks at 10:40 AM on October 9, 2002


woolcott'skindredgal is a golf club that's slightly hallucinogenic! It is fully recycleable and emits harmful gases.

Oh fine! Watch out for me...
posted by Woolcott'sKindredGal at 10:53 AM on October 9, 2002


Jason is a samurai sword that's heavier than it looks! It looks like a pot-plant.

JasonKaczor is a retinal implant that knows your name!

Kaczor is a button-badge that revolves and can be used by the whole family.

jKaczor is like a normal burger carton, but it will not work outside of the UK.

Hooo-haa! I love this thing... especially the iMac/Matric post above...
posted by jkaczor at 10:53 AM on October 9, 2002


kirkaracha is a security camera that's made of solid gold, can be used on the move and soothes babies.

Hey, two out of three ain't bad!
posted by kirkaracha at 11:01 AM on October 9, 2002


I just want to point out that if anyone is interested in trying to crack the code, we've had an exact duplicate on this list already:

"sit on my face" and "bhell13" produced the same result: "is a wafer-thin plastic sheet that secretes a sticky glue"

I don't see any direct relation between them: different number of letters, spaces vs no spaces, numbers vs no numbers.

Oh, and I got this one:
World Wide Web is a blow-up doll that secretes a sticky glue and uses the Google API.
posted by grum@work at 11:01 AM on October 9, 2002


your mama is a postage stamp that's also available in white and can play chess.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:03 AM on October 9, 2002


Zulu is like a
normal rocket launcher, but
it recites haiku
posted by Zulujines at 11:58 AM on October 9, 2002


MetaTalk is a mattress! It looks like a pot-plant!
posted by PugAchev at 12:03 PM on October 9, 2002


Following Pinkstainless Tail's lead I resubmitted what the product description I got three times. ON the third I got this (you can deduce the first two from this one of course)
mushkelley is a webcam that produces hot tea or coffee! is a golf club that stretches to twice its original size! It helps around the home. is a speaker system that has been blessed by a priest! It flies like a rocket and vibrates.

Apparently I am only three degrees of seperation from the Harry Potter Broom thing.
posted by Mushkelley at 12:05 PM on October 9, 2002




the US military is like a normal rickshaw, but it inflates balloons.
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:45 PM on October 9, 2002


Tagline:

Metafilter: It is a hammer! It will drive you insane!
posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 12:46 PM on October 9, 2002


GeekAnimator is like a normal pair of shoes, but it emits harmful gases.

oh dear...
posted by GeekAnimator at 12:53 PM on October 9, 2002


jenmuller is a suppository! It doesn't always work!
posted by goddam at 1:02 PM on October 9, 2002


ewwgene is a breakfast cereal that changes colour to reflect your mood! It cleans itself.

yummy!
posted by ewwgene at 1:17 PM on October 9, 2002


a man

a man is like a normal pogo stick, but it's inflammable.
posted by taz at 1:20 PM on October 9, 2002


bokononito is a pair of roller-skates that destroys household pests! It sends and receives text messages and costs less than ?20.
J20. is a hammer that fetches your hat! It disinfects work surfaces and tells you when it's ready.
ready. is a robotic dog that sorts your mail! It hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

-i feel like i'm ready.
posted by bokononito at 1:27 PM on October 9, 2002


Browser Wars?

Internet Explorer is like a normal trouser press, but it can be assembled from common household parts.

Netscape Navigator is a stereo system! It floats in water!

Mozilla is like a normal waffle iron, but it looks like a wrapping paper.

Opera is like a normal pot plant, but it recites haiku.

Lynx is a blow-up doll that jams mobile phone frequencies! It anticipates your every move.


Thinking about it, they all sound pretty good. Got to hand it to Opera, though. That sure sounds useful.
posted by quarantine at 1:29 PM on October 9, 2002


Recursion is a pot plant that operates on a quantum level! It removes stubborn stains is a toaster that displays a slideshow of pictures and produces hot tea or coffee is a personal organiser! It responds to temperature changes! is an aquarium! It can only be operated by a trained professional! is an aquarium that revolves, does exactly what it says on the tin and detects explosives is like a normal credit card, but it doesn't need oiling is a gas-mask that fits into the boot of a car! It has been featured in Star Trek and comes with its own storage kennel is a video recorder that dissolves in water! It catches flies is a stapler that follows you around, glows with an eerie green light and takes high-quality digital photos.
posted by quarantine at 1:30 PM on October 9, 2002


Bush is a featureless cube that shoots laser beams and talks.
posted by Oddly at 1:44 PM on October 9, 2002


msacheson is a golf club that runs on methane! It squeaks and lasts for up to a week.

Appropriate...I like golf, and I fart.
posted by msacheson at 1:55 PM on October 9, 2002


DakotaPaul is a wastepaper basket that has velcro pads on the side! It shoots laser beams.

Sweeeeeet.

(upon preview, I see that I am now equipped defend myself against Bush)
posted by DakotaPaul at 1:56 PM on October 9, 2002


LoFi MeFi is a shoe that emits a constant high-frequency whine!
posted by gummi at 1:58 PM on October 9, 2002


XQUZYPHYR is a wristwatch that speaks randomly-generated sentences!

Well, duh.

XQUZYPHYR & Overboard is like a normal electric drill, but it self-replicates.

Better.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 2:01 PM on October 9, 2002


inpHilltr8r is a sheet of paper that kills ants!

Oh, and the how is almost certainly Markov Chains
posted by inpHilltr8r at 2:03 PM on October 9, 2002


Cinematic mysteries finally resolved (and a disturbing trend revealed):

Inside the briefcase, in Pulp Fiction,
is a lightbulb that produces hot tea or coffee!

In 2001 the monolith
is a suitcase that produces hot tea or coffee and lasts forever.
posted by taz at 2:03 PM on October 9, 2002


"Nike is like a normal pair of shoes, but it emits harmful gases. "

Interesting...and possibly true.

"my shoe is a postage stamp that has been blessed by a priest! It has a built-in calculator and displays pornography."

I'm still looking for the other one...
posted by samsara at 2:13 PM on October 9, 2002


Along the lines of taz' clever uses:

The secret to a successful marriage is a hi-fi that cures all know illnesses! It shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger.

The most wonderful object in the universe is a stapler that makes popcorn, remembers your personal preferences and boosts self-confidence.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:15 PM on October 9, 2002


Your mom is a pair of shoes that runs on a single AA battery!

Porn is a false moustache that cannot be removed from your house! It communicates via Instant Messenger and comes with its own storage kennel.

Architecture is like a normal biro, but it glows with an eerie green light.

Indeed!
posted by plemeljr at 2:28 PM on October 9, 2002


Oh yeah, well your mother is a breathalyser that records everything you say!
posted by kirkaracha at 2:30 PM on October 9, 2002


The meaning of life is like a normal greetings card, but it vibrates.
posted by yhbc at 2:31 PM on October 9, 2002


Laura Jane is a diamond ring that flashes at intervals and traps mice in a humane fashion

So basically I'm like Witchblade, only prettier and with more emphasis on exterminating vermin of the non-human kind.

The Secret Life of Gravy is a pair of sunglasses that runs on six little wheels!

Well at least there is nothing about farting in there...I would be so depressed if the "secret" was something about emitting gases.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 2:42 PM on October 9, 2002


An iBook is a lunchbox that makes clicking noises! It plays Nethack.

Punk rock isn't dead, it is a trouser press that emits a constant high-frequency whine! It can read warchalking symbols.

Congress is a hair gel that runs on methane, obeys simple instructions and gets +2 to kill undead.

The senate is a button-badge that blocks spam email, kills ants and can be assembled from common household parts.

Ok I'm done! And I finally I found out what love, happiness, Ginger, and all those inspirational posters really mean :)
posted by samsara at 2:50 PM on October 9, 2002


amberglow is an iMac that's transparent, cures all known illnesses and looks like a false moustache.

anyone sick? come sit on my face! ; >
posted by amberglow at 2:50 PM on October 9, 2002


apparently, and i suspect rather accurately, my cat zasu is a handheld hole-punch (i have proof of this specifically) that has been featured in Star Trek! It is used by the US military.

tracy is a towel that does exactly what it says on the tin and glows with an eerie green light.

erm, ok.

katgyrl.com is a robot that's unbreakable! It can be taken apart and reassembled in thirty seconds and tracks infra-red.

LOL! i like this one
posted by t r a c y at 2:53 PM on October 9, 2002


How Borgesian - it's the Patent Office of Babel!
posted by Bletch at 3:10 PM on October 9, 2002


blowjob is a breathalyser that plays the American national anthem and works at any altitude.

Priceless...
posted by tomcosgrave at 3:12 PM on October 9, 2002


I posted this first. That means I am a nice person and deserve some of your respect.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 3:15 PM on October 9, 2002


It has a surreal, but somehow appropriate take on Israel vs. Palestine.
posted by DaRiLo at 3:41 PM on October 9, 2002


If you type in just numbers it does something slightly different. For instance the true nature of the number of the beast - Segueway II?
posted by DaRiLo at 3:52 PM on October 9, 2002


The reason for the budget deficit is a security camera that flies like a rocket! It fires plastic darts.

The Missile Shield!
posted by cx at 3:53 PM on October 9, 2002


Design #006699: It's like a normal sheet of paper, but it looks better than it sounds.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:12 PM on October 9, 2002


melissa is a fridge magnet that hums incessantly! It can pick locks.

if only...
posted by melissa at 4:34 PM on October 9, 2002


MetaTalk is a mattress! It looks like a pot-plant!

Thanks PugAchev, now a know why I go to my mattress from both of these devices, they tire me out..........
posted by thomcatspike at 4:35 PM on October 9, 2002


Anna Nicole Smith is a credit card that works at any altitude and is also available in white.

Scary how accurate this thing is!
posted by Dinzie at 4:40 PM on October 9, 2002


Davros42 is a cigarette lighter that extends at the touch of a button and doesn't take no for an answer.

Go on, touch the button... I won't take no for an answer :-)
posted by davros42 at 5:26 PM on October 9, 2002


Davros, you light my fire! Especially fitting since my head is a crematorium that looks like a Christmas tree! Darn.
posted by cx at 5:53 PM on October 9, 2002


hippugeek is a small plastic pyramid that has a million household uses, works underwater and can be used on the move.

My mother's name comes up as an odd blend of homey and eerie:
[She] is like a normal credit card, but it's great for hammering in nails. is a new type of vegetable that can be taken on holiday and has been blessed by a priest. is a chainsaw! It keeps food warm! is a contact lens that uses human blood for fuel, has been featured in Star Trek and doesn't take no for an answer.

Life is a shopping bag that checks your spelling, is laced with vodka and glows with an eerie green light.
Death is like a normal airbag, but it can be used in zero-gravity.

Religion:
Religion is like a normal walking stick, but it's also available in white.
Jesus Christ is a biro that sings comical songs, remembers your personal preferences and can only be operated by a trained professional. (So is the Universe. Coincidence?)
The Book of Mormon is a saucepan that may have harmful side effects! It can be assembled from common household parts.
Jerry Falwell is a hearing aid that makes amusing belching noises, knows what you want before you do and obeys simple instructions.

Mysteries solved:
The cure for the common cold is a speaker system that helps around the home, can be implanted into the arm and runs on tapwater.
A better mousetrap is a chocolate bar that can be controlled by willpower alone, keeps food fresh for up to eight weeks and sticks to the ceiling like a gecko.
(You know, that might just work.)

Literature:
Macbeth is a shoelace! It mimics the movements of a lizard! is a parachute that repairs itself, speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones and glows with an eerie green light. is an explosive device! It removes stubborn stains!
Chekov is like a normal greetings card, but it lasts for up to a week.

And finally, the explanation for an awful lot of things:
The world is a toilet seat that can be used by children!


(For figuring-this-thing-out purposes, any three-letter word ending with "-at" comes up as "a baseball cap that fits into the boot of a car!")
posted by hippugeek at 6:22 PM on October 9, 2002


damascene is a billboard! It bounces up and down!
look at me!
posted by eddydamascene at 7:13 PM on October 9, 2002


stavros the wonder chicken is a fusebox that's voice-activated, makes popcorn and speaks randomly-generated sentences.

Near enough.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:57 PM on October 9, 2002


grabbingsand is a piece of string that sings comical songs! It works upside-down and dispenses pills.

lydia, oh lydia, say have you met lydia....
posted by grabbingsand at 8:37 PM on October 9, 2002


I knew this stuff was good!
posted by littlegirlblue at 8:46 PM on October 9, 2002


And, at last, proof this stuff is up to no good!
posted by littlegirlblue at 8:48 PM on October 9, 2002


Help! I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but I can't stop...

Love is a tricycle that fetches your hat, revolves and affixes to any flat surface.
I think that's rather sweet.

And this one has a certain internal logic: Mud is like a normal first-aid kit, but it's guaranteed to save you a hundred pounds a month.

(Oh. So that's why I'm not making any progress.)
posted by hippugeek at 10:10 PM on October 9, 2002


dg is a bubble-car that loves children, waters your plants and blocks UV light.

Boring but useful.

stavrosthewonderchicken - no cheating! You are really like a normal toilet seat, but you send and receive faxes.
posted by dg at 10:21 PM on October 9, 2002


If I feed the results back into it enough times I find that dg doesn't always work, hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet and keeps food warm.

Sounds about right.
posted by dg at 10:35 PM on October 9, 2002


dg - Yeah, true, but I liked the other one better.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:53 PM on October 9, 2002


hama7 is a unicycle! It can pick up digital radio!

What's not to like?
posted by hama7 at 11:48 PM on October 9, 2002


God is a sock that's covered with realistic fur! It improves blood clotting.

lonelyness is a pager that scans its user's fingerprints!

suicide is a coffee cup! It shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger!

existentialism is a sticky label that can be controlled by willpower alone! It is water-absorbent.

surrealism is an umbrella that can emulate a ZX Spectrum! It looks really, really good.

I just can't stop playing with this....
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:23 AM on October 10, 2002


monkey closet is a rickshaw! It can be used on the move!
I suppose 50% accuracy isn't bad.
posted by monkey closet at 1:04 AM on October 10, 2002


You beat me to existentialism, elwoodwiles! But here's the battle of the political philosophies:

Communism is like a normal kettle, but it doesn't always work.
Capitalism is a featureless cube! It may cause drowsiness! is a teddybear that catalogues its contents, fits into the boot of a car and hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet… It doesn't need oiling. (some would disagree...)
Pacifism is an electric drill that kills all known germs dead and squirts water…it stays exactly where you leave it...It is powered by clockwork and keeps children amused.
Nationalism is a golf club that's unbreakable, detects explosives and is used by the US military.

The wishful thinking department:
Congress is a hair gel that runs on methane, obeys simple instructions and gets +2 to kill undead… It is programmed against harming humans and can move faster than the speed of light.
The Supreme Court is a sticky label that works at twice the normal speed! It cures all known illnesses. (Upon further investigation, it is also an armchair that requires a sample of DNA, will drive you insane and has a built-in alarm clock. That's more like it.)

The U.N. is a human clone that's not suitable for children, traps small animals and is voice-activated...is a pot plant that kills all known germs dead! It shoots laser beams and will not work outside of the UK.

Ann Coulter is an electric drill! It kills weeds down to the root! is a pair of underpants! It receives data from any nearby new type of vegetable! is a wastepaper basket! It scares dogs!
posted by hippugeek at 1:16 AM on October 10, 2002


And who could deny these fundemental truths?

The ideal man is a mattress! It is made entirely of wood! is a bedside table that produces pure oxygen! It traps small animals. is a freezer that dehumidifies the air, keeps you warm at night and fetches sticks.

The perfect woman is a DVD player that checks your spelling! It can light cigarettes and doesn't distract you from your work. is a robot that uses human blood for fuel and lasts forever. is a lunchbox! It looks really, really good!
posted by hippugeek at 1:19 AM on October 10, 2002


carfilhiot is a sticky label that's made of solid gold! It gets +2 to kill undead and fits in your pocket.

- well fairly accurate actually.
posted by carfilhiot at 2:27 AM on October 10, 2002


Inside my pants is a tricycle that plays Nethack!

Under my bed is an ornately-engraved sphere that costs less than £20, is slightly hallucinogenic and can speak twelve languages.

Hanging from my rear view mirror is an office whiteboard that can move faster than the speed of light, can move faster than the speed of light and doesn't distract you from your work.
posted by straight at 9:25 AM on October 10, 2002


The United States military is a marker pen that knows what you want before you do and shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger.
posted by hippugeek at 9:52 PM on October 10, 2002


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