Tags:

The male species has it easy.
October 18, 2002 2:22 PM Subscribe

The male species has it easy. Feminist magazine Amp meditates on whether women should hover or plonk when they go to the bathroom. "It's like learning how to whistle. You have to learn how to position your lips for the best results." This article isn't work safe. In fact I'm not sure if it's safe at all.
posted by feelinglistless (30 comments total)

God bless our women. I refuse to sit on a public toilet, even if it means physically holding my ass-cheeks together with my hands a'la Cheech in Up In Smoke until I can get home. If I were a woman I'd definitely opt for the hover.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:43 PM on October 18, 2002

You know how to whistle, don't you, feelinglistless? You just put your lips together and...blow.

I am so jealous of your point and shoot abilities, I really am. Especially writing stuff in the snow - that has to be so much fun. But I'm just not ready for this.
posted by iconomy at 2:45 PM on October 18, 2002

One thing a woman who learns this skill might have to worry about. Another woman in the bathroom, happens to see a pair of feet under the stall facing the porcelain, and the sound tells the story. This other woman will probably assume that there's a transvestite in there and call for security.
posted by George_Spiggott at 2:51 PM on October 18, 2002

Reminds me of a spacemoose (WARNING: Highly offensive... but damn funny) cartoon. Space Moose and a feminist are having a back and forth debate that women are equal to men and he trumps her with "Write your name in the snow... with piss"
posted by PenDevil at 2:53 PM on October 18, 2002

This skill was finely demonstrated, or list implied, in The Full Monty. True confession, I've tried this and there was, um, a bit of leakage.

I'd rather hover. Good for the thighs.
posted by Red58 at 2:54 PM on October 18, 2002

Also be aware that wayward overspray is not always due to bad aim. Any stream of water will have droplets which escape from the main flow and land out of the target area. (I mention this after yet another TV side plot of a women not undertstanding that water streams are NOT solids. Though considerate standers should always wipe away those trace escapees.)
posted by HTuttle at 2:59 PM on October 18, 2002

I've tested the method described on restrooms.org, and it works quite well. Having solid control of your kegel is key.
posted by arielmeadow at 3:09 PM on October 18, 2002

God bless our women

Whose women?
posted by Summer at 3:10 PM on October 18, 2002

"Whose women?"

Mine and my Pocket President's. The rest of you are on your own.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:14 PM on October 18, 2002

Hovering may be good for the thighs, but as mentioned in the article, is baaad for the bladder.

I personally have made it a goal to learn ever since I saw restrooms.org, but when you share a shower with 19 other people, practicing really isn't an option.
posted by SoftRain at 3:20 PM on October 18, 2002

Yesterday I had a forked pee--two streams at an angle just acute enough to fit inside the toilet from groin-height on a 6'4" guy. I stared, fascinated and aghast, wondering why but afraid to ruin the magic. Urethras are weird.
posted by mookieproof at 3:26 PM on October 18, 2002

It's possible to plonk when the perfect pee becomes necessary if you don't mind handling your whistler while wearing crotchless bloomers.

However I've yet to conquer the "floor ankle-deep in unidentifed liquid" when wearing long pants.
posted by oh posey at 3:34 PM on October 18, 2002

does this girl hover or plonk?
posted by kileregreen at 3:43 PM on October 18, 2002

) Raise the toilet seat.
2) Wash your hands.
3) Adjust clothing

And you do this, how? Are toilets in GB designed with a sink inside the stall?

I actually know how to do this (hint: practice in the shower) and use it when camping. Maybe I should start using it when I go out; here in the South apparently paper toilet seat covers are not mandated by law.

And by the way, to avoid the "floor ankle-deep in unidentifed liquid" grow up and stop hanging out in dives.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:47 PM on October 18, 2002

I'm sorry, the aiming ability of the human male penis while urinating is highly over-rated; female standup comedians and supposedly funny newspaper columnists are largely responsible. Cover your eyes if you're the sensitive type.

Ladies, have you ever held a garden hose in your hand and then turned on the faucet? What happened? Right, your aim was off, no matter how careful you were before you started the water. You instinctively had to self-correct in order to direct the flow. We men have to do that. It means we sometimes miss as soon as we start urinating.

Now, what happens when you put your thumb over the hose opening? Right, the spray is unpredictable. It's even harder to control. That's what happens to the male human penis: sometimes the valve isn't completely open and the spray is erratic and points in a direction other than the owner of the penis intends. (Forked urination is a common example).

These examples are why we sometimes miss the toilet or urinal. Most of us aren't doing it on purpose: we can't help it, and since we're no more likely to want to sit on strange porcelain where hundreds of unknown behinds have sat before, we stand, and spray, and miss. Even worse, most toilets are designed in such a way that a man sitting to pee risks direct genital contact with the toilet surface. Very unsanitary.

Unexcepeted are men who don't understand how to lift a toilet seat without touching it. They futilely try to aim within the hole. It's a narrow target, and as shown above, they are likely to miss. Gentlemen, use toilet paper or your foot to lift that seat. Lift it with the toe or the upper surface of any thick sole, the part that sticks out beyond the uppers. In toilets with non-automated flushes, this is how you flush as well: use your foot. Don't worry about it being unsanitary: the whole process is unsanitary. Anyone who will sit will clean the seat first, or do the layered toilet paper nest.
posted by Mo Nickels at 3:55 PM on October 18, 2002

God bless you, brother Mo, for telling the straight story. It isn't all wine and roses, urinating standing up. This is even without mentioning the agony of not being able to relieve onesself on "certain mornings" when the body's natural plumbing has rendered one, shall we say, tumescent?

Unexcepeted are men who don't understand how to lift a toilet seat without touching it. They futilely try to aim within the hole. It's a narrow target, and as shown above, they are likely to miss.

Yet is it not this challenge that appeals to the sharpshooter in all of us? I know that, though I fail as often as I succeed, I will never stop reaching for that brass ring.
posted by Hildago at 4:19 PM on October 18, 2002

Sure she talks like she's tough and liberated, but she's still a wuss for putting the seat back down when she's done. That alone singlehandedly destroys any semblance to the male experience of upright urination she so covets.
posted by Fupped Duck at 4:38 PM on October 18, 2002

A pee-on, Hildago? That's what the shower stall was invented for. Brush your teeth, piss, wash and shave all at the same time!
posted by five fresh fish at 4:49 PM on October 18, 2002

I am so jealous of your point and shoot abilities, I really am.

It is God's great gift to the male gender. I use to love writing my full name(including my mothers maiden name) in the snow when I whizzed(I used to drink a lot of beer). Nowadays though, half the time I sit down to pee just for the rest, here's to impending middle age.
posted by jonmc at 6:34 PM on October 18, 2002

" Many women seem to think that a guy is able to whip out his Johnson and be able to draw a precise rendition of a 16th century wood-cut in a snow bank. Well, that don't happen..."

From a a rant on Everything2. Amusing and even somewhat educational. Continues Mo Nickels' themes from above, and elaborates a bit.
posted by namespan at 6:38 PM on October 18, 2002

Another option not mentioned: assuming there is toilet tissue available, simply flush the toilet, catch water in mid-flush on a wad of tissue, and wash the seat (repeating if necessary if you're really paranoid) then dry it with more tissue. (I won't even bother addressing the point that the whole problem stems from mikrophobia rather than any real risk of catching any disease from a toilet seat).
posted by raygirvan at 7:01 PM on October 18, 2002

It is God's great gift to the male gender.

Indeed. And this explains what women got.
posted by Wet Spot at 7:37 PM on October 18, 2002

Yesterday I had a forked pee--two streams at an angle just acute enough to fit inside the toilet from groin-height on a 6'4" guy. I stared, fascinated and aghast, wondering why...

Internal adhesion usually.

Bloke I used to know had a genital piercing, and as a result, lost the ability to pee standing up. Well, not without becoming a garden sprinkler...

...which reminds me.
posted by inpHilltr8r at 8:57 PM on October 18, 2002

What Mo Nickels said. When I'm at home, I just pee sitting down. It's easier. Why stand when I can sit and rest a while? (Nice to have the urinal option in public though, of course.)

Hey females, I'm curious: Has anyone here tried any of the various technological solutions on the market?
posted by boredomjockey at 11:00 PM on October 18, 2002

I don't understand how anyone can think sitting on a public toilet seat is more icky than urinating in the shower.
posted by Summer at 3:48 AM on October 19, 2002

I can't imagine that the water "mid-flush" is anything even approaching non-toxic. Fucking icky!
posted by five fresh fish at 10:34 AM on October 19, 2002

When they got to the toilet, do psychics see the aura of all the people who've sat there before them?
posted by feelinglistless at 11:29 AM on October 19, 2002

I don't understand how anyone can think sitting on a public toilet seat is more icky than urinating in the shower.

Let's see:

1) In the shower, if I happen to touch any pee it will be my own pee-- not some stranger's dribble on the seat.

2) In the shower there is plenty of hot steaming water and soap available to immediately sluice down any body part that may have come into contact with my own pee (see above.)

It is just good clean fun, Summer!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:08 PM on October 19, 2002

The male species has it easy. October 18, 2002 2:22 PM Subscribe

The male species has it easy.
October 18, 2002 2:22 PM Subscribe