October 24, 2002

10:52 AM

"That's not funny, that's sick!" goes the old National Lampoon comic caption. Well, maybe this link's both... Again, not for the faint of heart.
posted by BentPenguin (32 comments total)

Oooh, how I wish I could say that I saw a bumper sticker that said "My pee smells like ham"

...but I can't.
posted by tpl1212 at 11:01 AM on October 24, 2002

I'm curious to know if anyone could possibly read that description and not click on the link.
posted by BigPicnic at 11:09 AM on October 24, 2002

Oh, but you can, tpl1212, thanks to the good folks at makestickers.com.
posted by ewagoner at 11:11 AM on October 24, 2002

If anyone was wondering what the true purpose of Metafilter should be, or what kind of posts are good posts... Well look no further. A truly enjoyable read! Thanks BentPenguin.
posted by Mushkelley at 11:12 AM on October 24, 2002

Yeah, good post, BentPenguin... so that's why you picked that name.

Oh, and Bigpicnic... I say: No.
posted by soyjoy at 11:23 AM on October 24, 2002

Enjoyable? Really?
Unnerving, I would say.
My last period looked like meat.??
Dear God.
posted by Fabulon7 at 11:26 AM on October 24, 2002

I like the ones that are like, "I'm messin' around with my wife, my three girlfriends, my sister-in-law, etc etc and they're all dirty whores!" puh-lease...and hey, did you read this on ObscureStore, BentPenguin? give Jim Romenesko his due, if so...
posted by serafinapekkala at 11:26 AM on October 24, 2002

Actually, Serafina, my source=Filepile for the trackbackers in the crowd.
posted by BentPenguin at 11:29 AM on October 24, 2002

I should have put my sandwich down before I read that. Luckily it was not a ham sandwich. I want the whole list of hundreds so i can read it every time I think I'm having a bad day.
posted by archimago at 11:34 AM on October 24, 2002

Frank Zappa sang it best with "Why does it hurt when I pee?"

"My pee smells like ham" Could have been a part of a Monty Python sketch if only they had said "Spam" instead.
posted by Eekacat at 11:43 AM on October 24, 2002

A friend of mine in college had a biochemistry degree and later came back for a degree in chemical engineering. In between, he worked at the Lubbock, TX health department in the section that dealt with VD & other public health issues. He had some wacked-out stories to tell (which was part of his motivation to get an engineering degree to get the hell out of there). The one that stuck with me was the one about an employee at Church's Fried Chicken that called in and said that they had seen the manager whacking off in the chicken batter. My friend was the one who had to go down and talk to the guy about it - what a job.....
posted by Pressed Rat at 11:46 AM on October 24, 2002

I swear I've seen this somewhere else earlier today, but of course that's impossible.
posted by yhbc at 11:52 AM on October 24, 2002

yhbc, it's just "deja vu all over again" monkeying around with your noggin.
posted by pardonyou? at 12:04 PM on October 24, 2002

I think that was a double post. It was here earlier, anyway.
posted by konolia at 12:14 PM on October 24, 2002

That must be it pardonyou. I was afraid I was going bananas there for a minute (or even potatoes - eughh!)
posted by yhbc at 12:21 PM on October 24, 2002

I swear I've seen this somewhere else earlier today, but of course that's impossible.

Good stories travel fast.

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

I may never stop laughing.
posted by ColdChef at 12:25 PM on October 24, 2002

Or at least for about nine more days, eh, Chef?

Hey, no linking, dammit!
posted by yhbc at 12:37 PM on October 24, 2002

Yeah, it's pretty funny until it happens to you, ColdChef.
posted by Samsonov14 at 12:40 PM on October 24, 2002

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

That may perhaps be the dirtiest sentence I've ever read.
posted by ColdChef at 12:43 PM on October 24, 2002

The one that stuck with me was the one about an employee at Church's Fried Chicken that called in and said that they had seen the manager whacking off in the chicken batter.

I've heard the same rumour about the KFC in my hometown, and a KFC in my current town.

Methinks it's either a corporate policy, or an urban legend...
posted by five fresh fish at 12:45 PM on October 24, 2002

Meat?
posted by Songdog at 12:54 PM on October 24, 2002

fivefreshfish

Normally I'd discount rumors like that, except that I knew the guy personally who had to go out from the health department and bring the subject up with the manager, so no urban legend here. You're right about the corporate policy thing, though - I've heard too many stories about guys taking dumps in the chocolate shake machine, that kind of stuff.

The old adage about how people wouldn't go out to eat if they knew what went on in the kitchen is definitely based on some element of truth, however. I've seen waitresses at country clubs pick steaks/prime rib up off the floor and plop it back on the plate when it fell off & walk right out the door to serve it up. Spitting contests at burger joints to see who could spit farthest to hit the grill, etc.

When I worked at the UNiv. of Tennesee student center in the 60's another student I worked with was working as the hamburger chef in the line. Some obnoxious clown wanted a hotdog right now & kept bitching about how long it was taking to get (we were out of cooked ones & it had to cook on one of those rotating hotdog cookers). Finally, tired of the bitching, Alexander took a dead mouse he'd found back in the kitchen, put it on a bun and shoved it out to the guy. He got fired, but it was funny as hell.
posted by Pressed Rat at 1:07 PM on October 24, 2002

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

Vagina Juice great name for a band...or a health food store!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 2:37 PM on October 24, 2002

Hmmm... I don't know about everyone else, but I think people are embarassed enough about going to their sexual health clinic, without the added worry that their complaints (surely said in privacy to the health workers at the clinic?) might be broadcast to the masses.

Sure, nurses from facility sharing their cases, but this just seems a bit wrong, even if it is completely anonymous.
posted by chrismear at 2:57 PM on October 24, 2002

Chris - maybe, but the quotes aren't attributed to anyone. The potential harm to the quoted is pretty much zero, I'd say. Besides. Her last period looked like meat - getting linked to from MeFi is the least of her worries.
posted by kavasa at 3:23 PM on October 24, 2002

Agreed, they are completely anonymous. I have to say that as a hypochondriac, some of the things I have said to my doctor are pretty ridiculous. I don't have a problem with them being shared, so long as it's really, really and truly anonymous.
posted by Woolcott'sKindredGal at 4:25 PM on October 24, 2002

Pressed Rat: That was you in that bun, wasn't it?
posted by languagehat at 4:31 PM on October 24, 2002

The one that stuck with me was the one about an employee at Church's Fried Chicken that called in and said that they had seen the manager whacking off in the chicken batter.

I've heard the same rumour about the KFC in my hometown, and a KFC in my current town.

Methinks it's either a corporate policy, or an urban legend...

So that leaves just 10 secret herbs and spices left to identify.
posted by adamt at 4:40 PM on October 24, 2002

Me too! I want the whoooooole list.

Priceless post, thanks.
posted by adamgreenfield at 5:33 PM on October 24, 2002

I worked in a country club years ago. They were having some sort of outside party...the hired help was bringing out the potato salad and tripped, with the food going all over the asphalt. They scooped up the mess and went inside. When they came out everyone was commenting "good thing they had another batch back in the kitchen."

There WASN"T another batch in the kitchen....

That's why I like Waffle House. At least you can WATCH what they do to your food.
posted by konolia at 7:20 PM on October 24, 2002

freakin' hilarious, I have to say though if it looks like meat then it don't sound too healthy love.
posted by johnnyboy at 4:04 AM on October 25, 2002

20 minutes of fun isn't worth a lifetime of topical salve.
posted by elwoodwiles at 2:36 PM on October 25, 2002