Comments on: He groaned, 'Oh! Chairman Mao!'

He groaned, 'Oh! Chairman Mao!'

mookieproof — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 17:55:18 -0800

The Literary Review Bad Sex Prize 2002. A runner-up: "In one fluid movement Herman rolled forward on to his knees, grasped Dorian by the shoulders, and kissed him. Such suction. They were like two flamingos, each attempting to filter the nutriment out of the other with great slurps of their muscular tongues. Adam's apples bobbed in the crap gloaming."

By: rushmc

rushmc — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 18:21:48 -0800

I feel ill.

By: Slagman

Slagman — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 18:23:26 -0800

You had me at "flamingos."

By: Slagman

Slagman — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 18:26:07 -0800

From Ethan Hawke's novel: There's something about the feeling of snorting cocaine till your brain freezes and you weep 'cause you can't fall asleep that I enjoy - it's a fear of death or an awareness of life - and there was something about being near Christy, kissing her, feeling her wetness, that touched the same pulse, only with her it was the opposite of poison. It was more like some ancient healing elixir.

By: pots

pots — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 18:34:15 -0800

Oh Chairman Mao!

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 18:56:33 -0800

"When our orgasms come, it's like a naked electric cable dropped into a fish tank." I bet you can get some ointment for that.

By: superfem

superfem — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 19:04:18 -0800

Franklin Delano Roosevelt? I've had better.

By: hippugeek

hippugeek — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 19:21:46 -0800

the crap gloaming What the hell does that mean?

By: PrinceValium

PrinceValium — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 19:48:37 -0800

Is that THE Ethan Hawke?

By: RJ Reynolds

RJ Reynolds — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 20:00:44 -0800

Scarily enough, it is indeed the Ethan Hawke, "actor." TWO novels to his, uh, credit.

By: risenc

risenc — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 20:02:15 -0800

Pots, yah beat me to it. It's only on the short list, but they definitely saved the best for last: Our bodies came together again. . . He groaned, 'Oh! Chairman Mao!' Hew-boy.

By: four panels

four panels — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 20:57:41 -0800

I spanked her bottom and cranked up the tunes. - Hawke "He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God. So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning-fork that had been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her. At his lips' touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete." - Fitzgerald

By: hippugeek

hippugeek — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 21:30:42 -0800

Four panels, that reminds me of a line from the folks at the Style Invitational (slightly paraphrased): "You may have noticed that most of today's winning entries were submitted by Russell Beland (?). There is a reason for it. You may also have noticed that the library carries more books by Charles Dickens than books by you. There is a reason for that, too."

By: josh

josh — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 21:46:54 -0800

Yep, it is the Ethan Hawke -- who is married to the Uma Thurman. As they'd say on Fark: Sad.

By: dhartung

dhartung — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 21:54:45 -0800

It's always heartening to see authors free enough of ego to rummage up a parody like this and enter it in a ... oh.

By: hama7

hama7 — Wed, 04 Dec 2002 23:22:06 -0800

I can't believe I read the whole thing.

By: aenemated

aenemated — Thu, 05 Dec 2002 02:58:57 -0800

four panels -- beautiful.

By: boomchicka

boomchicka — Thu, 05 Dec 2002 04:27:06 -0800

I'm a little concerned for the fella with the pin-striped balls. He should get that checked out.

By: Bletch

Bletch — Thu, 05 Dec 2002 04:59:17 -0800

I kind of liked a couple, though admittedly I've never read a single 'literary' novel published after 1997. Still, some of these passages are vivid and imaginative. Even the "flamingos" bit which you guys deride successfully evoked for me that sense of the animal taking over, like a physical lust for something in a partner, of which one becomes conscious during sex. "Bobbed in the crap gloaming" is a great dark-sounding sentence too. The challenge facing writers of sex scenes is to turn a clinical description of people coupling into a meaningful and interesting piece of prose - and to describe it in a way that's uncliched and fits with the rest of the story. Some of these passages may do just that in the proper context. And others really are awful (the winner) or unbelievably pretentious - and the "Chairman Mao" one just has to be tongue-in-cheek. four panels' example-by-contrast ignores the context - I can't see the Fitzgerald passage you've quoted, being narrated by some sleazy guy who has sex and drugs as the only things in his life - but the Hawke passage on the other hand could well be (at least with a bit of editing). Does sex always have to be accompanied by the Holy Ineffable Fitzgerald Choir?

By: oissubke

oissubke — Thu, 05 Dec 2002 04:59:48 -0800

Yep, it is the Ethan Hawke -- who is married to the Uma Thurman. As they'd say on Fark: Sad. Any man who can write this badly and still marry Uma Thurman has my respect. Yowza.

By: Fabulon7

Fabulon7 — Thu, 05 Dec 2002 06:19:27 -0800

As a long-time fan of truly terrible writing, I have to thank you for that link. Some of those were just horrific. 'Oh, you must let me stroke your balls, they are so beautiful - like . . . like a dog turd. A dog turd nestling under your . . . ' Your what? Tears. Can't stop laughing.

By: ook

ook — Thu, 05 Dec 2002 07:03:31 -0800

Two of the books cited are on my wife's christmas wish list. Should I be concerned? Or pleased?

By: risenc

risenc — Thu, 05 Dec 2002 07:21:03 -0800

The best description of sex I've ever read is, in fact, an extremely clinical one: In Slaughterhouse Five, Vonnegut writes: "After he emptied his seminal vesicles into her ..." And that's it. Classic.