Wonder Woman's Still a Virgin?
February 19, 2003 6:49 AM   Subscribe

Wonder Woman to turn in her V-Card After 60 long years of chastity, everybody's favorite Amazon (you may remember the Lynda Carter TV show) will reportedly get it on with character Trevor Barnes in a "tasteful and peaceful" manner. Sequential Tart asks what the definition of 'virginity' is, claiming the strong possibility that on an island full of amazons there had to be some lesbian freaky freaky going on somewhere. However, I am far more concerned if she'll suffer from the same dilemma as Superman does in Larry Niven's Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex. Best. Controversy. Ever.
posted by Stan Chin (17 comments total)

 
Whoops, forgot a link. Let's all swoon over Trevor Barnes himself, and gossip whether she's right for him or not like teenagers. I think he's a dreamboat. He also works for the United Nations. There's hope for Hans Blix yet.
posted by Stan Chin at 6:58 AM on February 19, 2003


I hope the lasso is involved.
posted by pjdoland at 7:10 AM on February 19, 2003


Assuming you're a normal human being, chances are you've narrowly avoided disaster all day today. Your body mechanical possesses amazing reserves of strength compared to your relatively slight muscle mass; you could have turned that toast you had for breakfast into dust if you hadn't restrained yourself! Glasses and flatware are safe only because of your constant vigilance, it takes great focus not to rip the hair from your vulnerable human head when you brush and style in the morning. The Zenlike concentration you possess prevents you from snapping every pencil you use in two. You are an amazing creature indeed, that you can pound a fist on the snooze button and yet temper your massive strength enough even in sleep to ensure the snooze button will work tomorrow as well.

Oh wait. Nobody thinks about stuff like that, even though it's all true. People have a greater capacity for strength than they use on an everyday basis... just like Superman. Clark Kent doesn't shatter glasses when he picks them up, he doesn't rip doors off the hinges when he opens them, he doesn't toss hay into the next county when he only meant to heft the bale down from the loft- in short, he's just as in control of his strength as we are ours. No, he doesn't know his limits, but neither do we- how many stories have you heard of raging adrenaline rushes propelling grandma to lift a car off her grandbaby?

I doubt that Clark Kent is in any real danger of splitting his lover from stem to stern with a particularly vigorous thrust. He's well past puberty, nobody noticed him developping in a particularly odd way, so one assumes that up until that point, his body functioned pretty much as a human's would, aside from being especially strong and fast. Thus, no semen gunshot holes in the ceiling of the Kent Farm, no Kryptonian Uber Sperm taking over Smallville. I mean, do you think Lana Lang, that busy little bee who tormented the boy over his secret, would have failed to notice droves of flesh burrowing spooge wandering around town?

Instinctively, men know they can't just pound away like a jackhammer with the full force of their weight and strength behind it. And though it's possible, they also don't break their partners' limbs in the throes of an epileptic orgasm. So, I'm thinking it's probably pretty safe to nail Superman, and Trevor's going to be just fine with his face between Diana's legs.

And on that completely ubergeek note, I'd also like to add that Diana of the Amazons has given up her V-card more than once: most recently to (cue convergence horns) Superman in "Kingdom Come." Unless, of course, Superman just jacked off across the room and his aliensperm did the rest...
posted by headspace at 7:37 AM on February 19, 2003


The daughter of Wonder Woman and Superman features prominantly in Miller's "Dark Knight Strikes Again". Perhaps this is the first reference in the "official" series.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:56 AM on February 19, 2003


Not to go into full-on "comix dork" mode on y'all, but both Kingdom Come and the Dark Knight Returns/Strikes Again are both set outside of regular DC comics continuity. This would be the first time she "gets in on" in continuity.
posted by brand-gnu at 8:37 AM on February 19, 2003


In all of the Earth 2 stories with the alternate evil versions of the Justice League, isn't Evil Wonder Woman a skanky S&M type? Gets it on with Jimmy Olson in a broom closet, if I remember right...
posted by COBRA! at 8:57 AM on February 19, 2003


brand-gnu - that's why I find the controversy to be particularly baffling. It's a bunch of people jumping up and down saying, "Oooh, Wonder Woman is going to lose her virginity!" when what they should be saying is, "Oooh, you know that stuff Wonder Woman has been doing in all the other divergent comics? She finally gets to do them in her own!" Th'ain't nothing new here but the location/universe.

Give me the comic book where Bruce Wayne finally admits he's aroused by putting twinks in spanky pants, and maybe then I'll get excited. That would be something different.
posted by headspace at 10:07 AM on February 19, 2003


headspace, I generally agree with your analyzation of the Clark/Superman theories, however I am still concerned about the heat of passion variable. I'm talking about the big 'O' for Wonder Woman, an involuntary reflex perhaps uncontrollable for a pubescent supes, and also involuntary for a first timer like WW. During the big moment, I don't think she'd be able to control these muscle reflexes from crushing either of Trevor's heads (depending which is down there at the moment) like some terrible Bob Vila pressurized clamp device.

I feel a great deal of pity for WW, as I assume she'll probably fake it for fear of turning Trevor's fruits of passion into a fruit roll-up, or he will finish up early out of fear also, leaving her unsatisfied. Perhaps it would be wise to ask Green Lantern if he could finger her with a manifested dildo or something to test her out first.

Also, let's consider if anybody else BUT Supes could get WW pregnant. Remember, Trevor is but a normal man, with normal wiggly sperm, while I would assume WW's egg walls are an impenetrable barrier. I have no doubt that Supes' sperm could blast through into the egg using sheer kryptonian force, which has allowed them in other universes to bear children, but will Trevor's be up to the task?

Go Trevor go Trevor go! You're the man now dawg!
posted by Stan Chin at 11:30 AM on February 19, 2003


Also, let's consider if anybody else BUT Supes could get WW pregnant.

That is, of course, presuming that Kryptonian genetic structure is compatible enough with Human (or is WW a member of a subspecies? Amazonian? Olympian? I don't know enough of the universe involved) to produce anything viable whatsoever.

Yeah yeah, Star Trek has numbed us to the idea that anything humanoid can reproduce with anything else humanoid. Klingon-Vulcan-Human hybrid, anyone? If that's part of this universe, then so be it.

I have now officially spent way to many cycles thinking about Wonder Woman. I hope she enjoys herself, liberated Amazon Princess in a strapless bathingsuit and high heel knee boots that she is. Just don't forget to save the world in the morning.
posted by ilsa at 11:44 AM on February 19, 2003


This is another one of those "torn between tradition and the shock of the new" situations that rocks the world of us comic book aficionados. On the one hand, wouldn't it be nice if we could stick to 60 years of tradition? On the other hand, the world has changed and for characters to stay relevant, they sometimes need to change with the time.

In general, entertainment needs to adjust to the times to survive. In addition, a writer often needs to follow the story in the direction the story wants to go. If this means that the story demands WW lose it, well, then she should.
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:11 PM on February 19, 2003


Oh, stan, stan, stan...

headspace, I generally agree with your analyzation of the Clark/Superman theories, however I am still concerned about the heat of passion variable. I'm talking about the big 'O' for Wonder Woman, an involuntary reflex perhaps uncontrollable for a pubescent supes, and also involuntary for a first timer like WW. During the big moment, I don't think she'd be able to control these muscle reflexes from crushing either of Trevor's heads (depending which is down there at the moment) like some terrible Bob Vila pressurized clamp device.

Are you assuming that Diana has never ever had an orgasm? That dildos and fingers do not exist in her plane of existence? This may well be her first sexual encounter with a man in her continuity, but dude- the woman's well grown, fiercely independent, and I betcha she's figured out how to make herself come by now, and what happens when she does. Now, for certain, the variables are slightly different with an actual partner, but if she knows she crushes dildos to dust with her mighty orgasmic action, she wouldn't have sex with a puny mortal in the first place, now would she? Maybe she'd say, "The goddess wills you finger my clit, and I'll blow you later."

As for your Green Lantern scenario, why not make it a threesome? Green Lantern manifests an uncrushable dildo, and The Flash uses the Speed Force to vibrate in delightfully unearthly ways?

Boy, I betcha the pressure to create the comics code never ever took into account the kinds of discussions its puritanical content would create, huh?

And ilsa- I still can't figure out why the Kryptonian can knock up the Amazon, but I'm sure magic has something to do with it...
posted by headspace at 1:20 PM on February 19, 2003


Th'ain't nothing new here but the location/universe.

This is a phrase I can see being useful in all sorts of contexts. An all purpose critique if you will. Thanks, headspace.
posted by adamt at 2:44 PM on February 19, 2003


Maybe I'm just naive, but I always assumed that comic book characters generally had sex off-page, same way they paid rent on their apartments off-page, went to movies off-page, etc etc, just like characters in TV series or books or movies.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 3:40 PM on February 19, 2003


On or off page, glad I don't have to collect rent from Wolverine.
posted by ilsa at 3:51 PM on February 19, 2003


Oh look, something big and controversial happening in comics so they can prop up sales and be featured in newspapers and on tv to be "validated". Death of Superman! Gay Rawhide Kid! Blah, blah, blah...

Remember when they actually put thought into these things.
posted by owillis at 4:12 PM on February 19, 2003


Wow, I've seen this conversation in Mallrats.
posted by Lord Chancellor at 11:07 PM on February 19, 2003


"The goddess wills you finger my clit, and I'll blow you later."

*files away to use later*
posted by jennyb at 10:46 AM on February 20, 2003


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