Wat's So Bad Aboot Canada, eh?

February 28, 2003 1:27 PM

Everyone hates Canada. Here are a few of the reasons I do. Since it's invade Canada day on MeFi, let's take a moment to realize what Canada has given us. Their most precious gift to us Americans? Canadian Celebrities. Bryan Adams, Bachman-Turner-Overdrive, Jim Carrey, Hayden Christensen, Celine Dion, Avril.... and even Robert Goulet! Oh it goes on and on! My friends, the decision to attack Canada is not pre-emptive. We're already under siege.
posted by Stan Chin (46 comments total)

I've always loathed this warmed-over South Park-mimicking semi-meme with a passion, but that's probably only because I'm Canadian. It was only marginally amusing the first time around.

(Also, [meta] this was three threads ago...[/meta])
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:41 PM on February 28, 2003

(...or, uh, seven, if you insist on counting the way that the government wants you to count!)
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:46 PM on February 28, 2003

Um, but I don't hate Canada. I actually kind of like Canada. They've got a country that's quite nearly as nice as mine (USA).

Canada has been one of the nicest neighbors we could have. Political squabbles don't change that.

Now, France...
posted by Lafe at 1:47 PM on February 28, 2003

Of course, the best way for Canada to avoid American military action is to follow the lead of North Korea and threaten the US with total annihilation. C'mon, Canada! Fire up those nuclear reactors and ready your next wave of pop stars! We'll only ignore you harder.
posted by junkbox at 1:53 PM on February 28, 2003

I am sending this on to Canada Customs so that Stan is denied entry when he tries to come up to Vancouver for the AIGA conference.

Yeah, NOW let's see who wants to complain!!! Come on, speak up? What's that? No one? Yeah, that's what I thought......

The fact that hating Canada is interesting enough to warrant an FPP is a compliment, I think. There's no shortage of anti-american, or anti-french, sites out there.
posted by Salmonberry at 1:54 PM on February 28, 2003

Poutine

Actually I do hate Canada for that. When I was 12, and living in the UK, I thought I'd invented cheesy chips and gravy. It's only since I've turned thirty that the Canadians discovered it independently of me. I don't like that.

I wish it was called Canadia too. It rolls off the tongue more.

Otherwise, Canada is cool. That you have to pick nits to be annoyed with Canadians says a lot about the place to me.
posted by vbfg at 2:00 PM on February 28, 2003

I know this is supposed to be humorous but fuck it. To me hating Canada is like hating your best friend that's a little cooler and little more mellow than you are. And his family's way better than yours. You know you can kick his ass, but you can't b/c he's your best friend. But when he does something better than you do, it really pisses you off.
posted by Ufez Jones at 2:03 PM on February 28, 2003

As long as we're tossing around invasion suggestions, here's mine: I thing Canada should invade Russia. I figure, the main reason invasions of Russia fail is because the place is so damn big and you have to start at the edges and by the time you get to the middle, it's cold. But Canada's in a great spot! They're already used to the cold, and if you take the polar route - bam! You're already in the middle! So all you have to do is spread out and take the edges, which is cake!

I solemnly vow that if Canada ever invades Russia via the North Pole, I will never ever make another joke about our new hemisphere-dominating overlords to the north.
posted by nickmark at 2:04 PM on February 28, 2003

That would be "think." Not to be confused with "proofread."
posted by nickmark at 2:05 PM on February 28, 2003

Stan, for posting this, I'm gonna go NOT FRAGILE all over your ass. (I used to love playin' that in high school band.) Now you better RUSH on outta here, before I really get all USA in your face!

BTW, half of America think the state I live in is part of Canada anyway. You Canuck's want our supply of Nukes? Trust, we got a bunch of 'um, just a hop across the border. No problems moving them, really!
posted by Wulfgar! at 2:06 PM on February 28, 2003

For salary reasons, Canada also accounts for many medical professionals in the US. And poutine isn't Canadian; it's Québecois. Je me souviens!
posted by freakystyley at 2:11 PM on February 28, 2003

Canada is also the world's leading exporter of power trios, and it's the only country with a national breakfast meat.
posted by kirkaracha at 2:21 PM on February 28, 2003

it's easy to pick on the little guy
posted by mb01 at 2:25 PM on February 28, 2003

We've also got a sense of humour about ourselves. Jeez, if this "fuck Canada" guy can't be competently satirical about Celine Dion rather than just irritated, what can he be funny about?
posted by orange swan at 2:29 PM on February 28, 2003

I go up to Montreal a couple days a year with my friends... imagine a miniature New York, only cleaner, friendlier, and with a casino, $2 CDN Goldschlager shots, and apparently some kind of city council law requiring you to have to be between the ages of 17 and 24 to live there.

Oh, yeah... I just can't stand all that crap.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 2:31 PM on February 28, 2003

XQUZYPHYR: Not actually between the ages of 17 and 24, but looking like that until 60. :)

Meanwhile, an American.
posted by ?! at 2:55 PM on February 28, 2003

One of his reasons for hating Canada is their hatred of America.
posted by Hildago at 3:04 PM on February 28, 2003

Can we all just get together and hate the french? Or if that's not working, hate the French-Canadians and leave us English-Canadians alone?
posted by blue_beetle at 3:11 PM on February 28, 2003

blue_beetle: Ta gueule, le bloke.
posted by ?! at 3:20 PM on February 28, 2003

There is only one thing I hate about Canada: Whenever there is the SLIGHTEST sense of disrespect (upside down flags, mangled national anthem, overlooked friendship), Canadians go absolutely nuts. They rant, they rave, they make big speeches and protests and dedicate time on the national news to point it out to everyone how slighted they were. Canadians have a serious inferiority complex.

I should know. I am Canadian.
posted by grum@work at 3:29 PM on February 28, 2003

Tabernacle!
leave the canadians alone! i'd rather still hear 'i hate the french', and i'm french.
if there's a GREAT country out there, damn, it's canada. Ot's too bad ppl would think 'celine dion' when there are TONS of great artists out there...
Need i say, philosopher kings, choclair, hawklsey workman, ron sexsmith, our lady peace, ECT ECT ECT?
posted by Sijeka at 3:29 PM on February 28, 2003

Tabernacle!
leave the canadians alone! i'd rather still hear 'i hate the french', and i'm french.
if there's a great country out there, damn, it's canada. it's too bad ppl would think 'celine dion' when there are TONS of great artists out there...
Need i say, philosopher kings, choclair, hawklsey workman, ron sexsmith, our lady peace, ECT ECT ECT?
posted by Sijeka at 3:30 PM on February 28, 2003

A proposal: All North American conflicts, national or regional, should be solved with a best of 7 Hockey series. If this is unacceptable, then perhaps with a best of seven American Football series, NFL rules. The US will, of course be able to field their national Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but Canada gets to choose the venue. (I suggest the Northern Yukon, or The Northwest Territories. Instead of soccer streakers, games could be disrupted by roaming Grizzly bears..."Run Away, Run Away!")
posted by Wulfgar! at 3:30 PM on February 28, 2003

Hey -- Let's not forget getting them back for all those "Canadian Air Masses" they send our way every winter.
posted by fpatrick at 3:55 PM on February 28, 2003

oh yeah?

http://www.standonguard.com

we're gonna get cha....

you just wait.
posted by drinkmaildave at 4:01 PM on February 28, 2003

We send you our clean air and you complain? Ok, sure it's a little cold but come on, we're trying.

And remember, when Yellowstone needed wolves, it came to us. We gave you wolves. What more could you ask?
posted by Salmonberry at 4:02 PM on February 28, 2003

i know the joke is tired out but . . .
Switch to Canada.
posted by nyoki at 4:05 PM on February 28, 2003

Coo coo-coo-coo coo coo-coo-coooooooo.
posted by chipr at 4:22 PM on February 28, 2003

Can we all just get together and hate the french? Or if that's not working, hate the French-Canadians and leave us English-Canadians alone?

Those jokes are getting kind of old, especially with all the "Just for Laughs" reruns. I'd suggest picking on Nunavut, the territory everyone forgets about. There's bound to be some really funny Inuktitut to English puns if we look hard enough.
posted by Gary at 4:28 PM on February 28, 2003

I always thought the South Park Blame Canada thing was mimicking how the rest of America views Coloradans. Their stereotype of Coloradans and Canadians are the same: they think we all live in log cabins, wear a lot of plaid flannel, and have moose for pets. But they don't think Coloradans say "eh?" at the end of every sentence.
posted by CoFenchurch at 4:43 PM on February 28, 2003

We gave the world Max Webster and nobody ever thanked us.
posted by davebush at 5:04 PM on February 28, 2003

I can't remember the comedian that said it originally but he said Canada should surprise the world and invade Turkey and rename it Chicken.
posted by birdherder at 5:36 PM on February 28, 2003

Two words: Crown Royal.

God bless Canada!
posted by Cyrano at 6:09 PM on February 28, 2003

I call this Spazzms theorem:
As more and more n00bs pour onto the net, more and more discussion boards will turn into fark.
posted by spazzm at 6:24 PM on February 28, 2003

We gave the world Farley Mowat, Timothy Findley, Emily Carr, Rich Little, Margaret Atwood, Oscar Peterson, Wayne Gretzky, the Bronfman's, Mordecai Richler, Guy Lombardo, Pamela Anderson(nsfw), Paul Anka, Diana Krall, and a host of other wonderful people. We really are everywhere!
posted by ashbury at 6:34 PM on February 28, 2003

Do we have to answer for Shatner?
posted by mcwetboy at 6:45 PM on February 28, 2003

I guess no one on this thread has seen "Bowling for Columbine"........ in this documentary, Mike Moore concludes that the reason that murder rates in Canada are only a tiny fraction of those in the US has nothing whatsoever to do with typical anti-gun US liberal theories. You see, Canadians have LOTS of guns too! But it simply does not occur to them to turn those guns on their follow citizens. They do, however, enjoy hunting quite a bit.

Even before 9-11, US citizens were consumed by fear. How else can one explain the "FEAR THIS" window/bumper sticker - ubiquitous in the US? People are afraid and so become aggressive and hostile. Now, with the constant, random terror alerts, people are in a state of near constant panic: the new status quo, perpetual terror.

So much fear, so much anger. Whenever I cross the border into Canada (from the US), it's like I just left an unpleasant dream. The adrenaline slowly seeps from my body and then I relax and begin to enjoy life.

This sense of mine is actually well borne out by empirical evidence: Comparative firearm deaths around the world and is brought into even sharper contrast by comparing Detroit, Michigan, USA with Windsor, Canada which is just across the border from Detroit. Detroit's murder rate, per 100,000 people, is 42.63. Windsor's murder rate per 100,000 is 2.18

Crazy canucks. can't shoot straight or something. We'll teach 'em a thing or two.
posted by troutfishing at 9:05 PM on February 28, 2003

A gunshot is so noisy and it disturbs the neighbours - we have bylaws about that sort of thing. But if it makes you feel any better, we have our share of trouble.

Saskatoon police allegedly leave natives to die by dropping them off outside of town in winter, without proper clothing. It took 6 years for the government to help people in Davis Inlet, a community with incredibly high suicide rates and substance abuse problems. 19% of our kids live in poverty.

We also have higher unemployment (though our minimum wage tends to be more rational). Our senators aren't elected but appointed for life, which is like giving a politician tenure. We have a Federal government which is practically dominated by the Prime Minister if there is a majority government, as there is right now.
posted by Salmonberry at 9:32 PM on February 28, 2003

19 things Canada needs to work on. :-)
posted by shepd at 10:00 PM on February 28, 2003

Further Mike Moore's movie : there was much to like about the film but making out like we don't lock our front doors in Canada was just laughable. Christ, it's not Mayberry.
posted by btwillig at 4:54 AM on March 1, 2003

And what exactly is wrong with Bachman-Turner-Overdrive?
posted by NormieP at 9:19 AM on March 1, 2003

They have better commercials.

And, the Hanson Brothers.

[please, if you savor all of the glorious memories of Slap Shot, do not, under any circumstances, watch Slap Shot 2]
posted by adampsyche at 9:26 AM on March 1, 2003

To vbfg and anyone else who thinks poutine is just "cheesy chips and gravy": poutine is cheese curds and gravy. Very big difference, believe me. If you're ever in Montreal, do the following and know the truth:

Go to the Peel Pub and get their poutine. It's got shredded mozzarella and gravy. Crap.

Then go to Mama's Pizza on Pins (I think). Mmmm...gooey.

Best late-night, post-bar food ever.

Of course, I haven't been up to Montreal in a while, so these places may be gone.
posted by mzanatta at 10:23 AM on March 1, 2003

mzanatta: Nope, Peel pub is still there -- the one at Peel and Ste-Catherine at least; they opened a couple of others that have since closed because of various health-code violations. And Mamma's is still on Pine -- just three blocks from where I'm typing this.

And, yup, it's still the best poutine in the city.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 1:26 PM on March 1, 2003

Those annoying artists just get made up here -- it's America that gives them money.
posted by frenetic at 7:05 PM on March 1, 2003

Newfies aren't smart enough to stay away from bingo halls, but they wisely avoid Canadian beer... Instead they drink SCREECH (cheap-ass scotch).
If you are going to try to be funny, you should at least get your shit correct.
1. 'Newfie' is a term, that to some Newfoundlanders, is offensive on the level of the infamous 'n' word. It's not taken lightly by a lot of the natives.
2. Screech is rum.
posted by Fabulon7 at 9:54 AM on March 2, 2003