Willard appointed assault commander

March 27, 2003 6:55 PM

According to UPI, the United States has been offered by coalition partner Morocco its tide-turning force of 2,000 monkeys trained to detonate land mines. It wouldn't be so unbelievable if the U.S. wasn't already training dolphins and sea lions to do the same. Considering the carnage already happening to humans in Iraq, this news doesn't inspire thoughts of happy endings for our animal friends.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (28 comments total)

the dolphins only point out the mines, they do not detonate them. But don't let facts stand in the way of yet another pointless war post,
posted by Mick at 7:57 PM on March 27, 2003

i am hoping the monkeys do the same. i can't imagine they send the monkeys out to actually set the mines off. there are, however, 2000 of the monkeys but only two dolphins. that doesn't sound good.
posted by centrs at 8:00 PM on March 27, 2003

Dolphins, yes...but also COWS!


posted by davidmsc at 8:05 PM on March 27, 2003

the dolphins only point out the mines, they do not detonate them. But don't let facts stand in the way of yet another pointless war post,

Mick, I am scouring the greatest depths of ancient tomes in the annals of this country's archives of recorded knowledge to ascertain even the remotest presumption of what could possibly have crawled up your ass.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:06 PM on March 27, 2003

Man, monkies can do ANYTHING.
posted by cinderful at 8:06 PM on March 27, 2003

I saw two dolphins.
posted by WolfDaddy at 8:09 PM on March 27, 2003

OMG...this was in our school paper as in editorial comic..classic, in that sick, morbid kinda' way (would post the image, but my html skills are lacking)
posted by jmd82 at 8:18 PM on March 27, 2003

Humans suck.
(Excluding Charlotte Ross, of course.)
[/boyzone]
posted by Shane at 8:21 PM on March 27, 2003

If David Brin finds out about this, he's gonna be pissed.
posted by vraxoin at 8:21 PM on March 27, 2003

what could possibly have crawled up your ass.

Speaking of which, we can thank our lucky stars they're not blowing asses up.
posted by hama7 at 8:34 PM on March 27, 2003

Now if India would only send their Monkey man killer to take out Saddam.
posted by gyc at 8:34 PM on March 27, 2003

Isn't this a Double Post of the Food-Eating Battle Monkeys thread?
posted by wendell at 8:53 PM on March 27, 2003

the dolphins only point out the mines, they do not detonate them. But don't let facts stand in the way of yet another pointless war post,

Mick, I am scouring the greatest depths of ancient tomes in the annals of this country's archives of recorded knowledge to ascertain even the remotest presumption of what could possibly have crawled up your ass.

ya know, it sounded like he kind of had a point going with the whole "facts" thing.
posted by lotsofno at 9:12 PM on March 27, 2003

Is there anyway that a little orange kitty who poops on couches could help with mine clearance? I'd galdly pay for the shipping ...
posted by Jos Bleau at 9:31 PM on March 27, 2003

MeTa.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:47 PM on March 27, 2003

Monkeys are funny.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:56 PM on March 27, 2003

Eh. Military technology. It's been going downhill since the Reagan years, I tell ya.
posted by furiousthought at 9:57 PM on March 27, 2003

Guess that Darwin dude was way ahead of the curve.
posted by Mack Twain at 11:08 PM on March 27, 2003

Heard a joke that saddam may use pigeons to deliver messages to his troops since other communications channels are either destroyed or being intercepted. Sounds like tales from the Arabian Nights.
posted by taratan at 12:24 AM on March 28, 2003

If the military really is training dolphins to detonate land mines as the FPP claims, then it is final proof the military intelligence is an oxymoron.
posted by obfusciatrist at 12:33 AM on March 28, 2003

The bonus by-product is humanitarian aid...although cows would make more sense.
posted by lightweight at 12:59 AM on March 28, 2003

I may know how to detonate landmines, but I ain't goin' over there!
posted by Katemonkey at 1:18 AM on March 28, 2003

Training video of our next secret weapon (opens directly to a .asf link)
posted by ElvisJesus at 3:30 AM on March 28, 2003

I wonder how many of those specially trained mine-seeking dolphins we've lost owing to their instinctively swimming backwards on their tails and bouncing the mines on their noses.

Probably more than a few.
posted by dong_resin at 6:15 AM on March 28, 2003

Helper monkey, eh?
posted by bondcliff at 6:56 AM on March 28, 2003

Here's a bit on the dolphins from the excellent BBC reporter's log:

Sir Galahad :: Owen Bennett Jones :: 1109GMT

The port of Umm Qasr is being de-mined by dolphins attached to cameras. Apparently they go down and see something suspicious, then come back and tell their handler there's something suspicious. He then gives them an explosive charge, they take it down, put it next to the suspicious object, come back, it blows up, and then they go down and look at it again!

It sounds implausible, but the Australians are using them, and everyone around here - including a very senior American commander - says it works. I hope to see it for myself when the Sir Galahad gets to Umm Qasr.
posted by Yogurt at 11:11 AM on March 28, 2003

Takoma the dolphin is Awol

Well, if it was good enough for the Commander in Chief...
posted by homunculus at 3:20 PM on March 29, 2003

It's bad enough that Morocco has an army of monkeys at its disposal. What if the Great White North finally gets around to organizing the Canada geese into a mighty aerial armada, burying entire states hip-deep in goose crap?

But geez, guys! How do we know the monkeys are just going to walk up and detonate the mines? Do they keep the monkeys all depressed-like and suimacidal, or are they brainwashed like the kamizake scotsmen were?

How do we know they won't just run up to the mines AND TAKE THEM?!?!?!? Run off with them to their burrows or yurts or whatever and make eeevil monkey WAR against us? What if they take a mine and add a meter or so of monkeypoo to it and make the world's greatest flung-crap bomb?

Foresight, guys, foresight. [sinead] FIGHT THE REAL ENEMY!!! [/sinead]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:42 PM on March 29, 2003