Comments on: Roy Orbison in cling film.

Roy Orbison in cling film.

Spoon — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:24:00 -0800

Roy Orbison in cling film. "Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film." You think you've seen everything and then...

By: Pretty_Generic

Pretty_Generic — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:33:45 -0800

This is a funny joke. Look at the homepage.

By: divrsional

divrsional — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:37:52 -0800

That made me so happy.

By: sebas

sebas — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:40:52 -0800

It always starts the same way. I am in the garden airing my terrapin Jetta when he walks past my gate, that mysterious man in black. 'Hello Roy,' I say. 'What are you doing in Dusseldorf?' That's just so wrong.

By: Hjorth

Hjorth — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:50:31 -0800

'I'm not a philosophical man,' says Roy thoughtfully, 'but it seems like we are bound together in some way.' 'Yes - by cling-film!' I say. Pure gold.

By: grabbingsand

grabbingsand — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:52:04 -0800

'That is a well-groomed terrapin,' he says. This will be my phrase for the day.

By: jontyjago

jontyjago — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:52:16 -0800

Wunderbar. Just unexampledly lovely. Thank you.

By: grabbingsand

grabbingsand — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:55:59 -0800

Wait a minute.... Away with you, you beastly scrubs. This will be phrase for the day instead.

By: biffa

biffa — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 04:58:34 -0800

Either I've got hayfever from the rapeseed field over the road or Pretty Generic's recommendation is funny enough to bring tears to me eyes. See 'lost art of seduction' for WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME TO PUT ON A CONDOM? You should put on a condom as soon as you're certain that full sex is going to take place. Not, however, while you're still in the restaurant, in the taxi, etc., or while she's out in the kitchen making coffee. AND Women often fantasize about seducing a Catholic priest. Well, I had a fantasy about seducing a Nun and being so good at sex and nibbling her ear like a Frenchman and so on that she would say, "You are my God now, Mike." And getting a grip of a priest is probably a woman's equivalent of that.

By: mkultra

mkultra — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 05:14:03 -0800

He's definitely contributing to the process of global healing with his Bush/Chirac slash (NSFW).

By: sebas

sebas — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 05:20:30 -0800

Coffee preferences can be used to indicate sexual preferences, e.g.: .."Cappuccino" = Blow-job .."Brown sugar" = up the Gary Glitter .."with a wee tot" = paedophilia This is great

By: richard m

richard m — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 05:22:44 -0800

Herbert Van Thal is a bit similiar. "It was a dark and stormy night, and next day I could not get Michael Stipe off the phone."

By: anathema

anathema — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 05:24:15 -0800

Damn. You people get so easily wrapped up in crap like this!

By: ?!

?! — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 05:32:40 -0800

anathema: "Wrap that man in black in cling-film at once or it will go badly with you."

By: MegoSteve

MegoSteve — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 05:58:39 -0800

It makes me happy as a little girl to read these stories with the voice of Dieter from Sprockets.

By: Cyrano

Cyrano — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 06:21:07 -0800

To hell with cling film! Break out some of that Homeland Security duct tape!

By: squealy

squealy — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 06:30:31 -0800

That homepage is the funniest thing I've read in a long while. His critique of search engines is my favourite - Pet owners of a literary bent are a particular bane. 'Here's a photo of my rabbit, Ford Madox Ford. He's very sleepy at the moment!!' I hope he dies and you can't sell the hutch. Nice redirect Pretty Generic.

By: jpburns

jpburns — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 06:59:57 -0800

I just think that the term "cling film" is unusual. Is he afraid of being sued by the makers of Saran Wrap™? He should really Xerox™ some Kleenex™ whilst eatting Jello™.

By: rusty

rusty — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 07:36:01 -0800

Metafilter: Perhaps you would like to see my cling-film?

By: Songdog

Songdog — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 07:43:50 -0800

Good laughs -- thanks, Spoon and PG!

By: Pretty_Generic

Pretty_Generic — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 07:44:05 -0800

Cling film is what British people say. We're very funny.

By: rory

rory — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 07:45:38 -0800

That's great. But this is better: This is the text of a novel I wrote five years ago. It was rejected by 76 publishers and agents, although only four of them actually bothered to read it, which may partly account for my unbridled hatred of everything living. I have posted it here in an attempt to move on. ¶ I can't honestly imagine anyone having the sitzfleisch to wade through a 250-page comic novel by an unknown writer on the internet. In case anyone does, I would like to take this opportunity to partially disown it. I dunno what sitzfleisch is, but I wants me some. To the laser-printer!

By: rory

rory — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 07:48:05 -0800

"Seat meat"? Arse? Damn - got some already.

By: sebas

sebas — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 07:50:58 -0800

Sitzfleisch, sit-flesh or more commonly known as your ass. So rory, what kind of ass are you looking for?

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 07:58:33 -0800

Well, he certainly was the hottest of the Willburies.

By: rory

rory — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 08:14:19 -0800

what kind of ass are you looking for? The frostbitten kind.

By: RylandDotNet

RylandDotNet — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 08:18:27 -0800

I gotta believe that there's a "Roy Orbison wrapped in cling film" web ring out there somewhere. Maybe they call themselves "Orbiclingers." Maybe the US Orbiclingers have debates with the European Orbiclingers about whether it should be called "cling film" or "Saran wrap." This is what the internet is for.

By: btwillig

btwillig — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 08:47:31 -0800

'I have a surprising amount of clingfilm,' I say with a nervous laugh. Roy merely nods. Pure gold—but I have to ask: How does someone come across a site like this?

By: sklero

sklero — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 09:06:05 -0800

This is the final and greatest achievement of mankind.

By: onlyconnect

onlyconnect — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 09:48:36 -0800

I am no expert at foreplay. I am, however, a master at stroking cats into a state of ecstasy, and a woman shouldn't be too different. If your bird is anything like my cat, the following manouevres are guaranteed to get her really frothed up: * Run your hand along her spine * Scratch her ears * Tickle her under her chin * Push her on her back, take hold of her feet and move her legs up and down like levers * Poke her repeatedly in the belly with one finger while going, "You love it, don't you, you big fat furry f***er," (or some more appropriate endearment) *snort*

By: jmackin

jmackin — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 10:00:24 -0800

This caused me to think, on quite a tangent: What ever happened to Walter Miller?

By: haqspan

haqspan — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 11:15:25 -0800

'Are you perchance a doctor?' 'No. I studied at a catering college for some years but was forced to leave for reasons I prefer not to disclose.' My day has officially been made.

By: LeLiLo

LeLiLo — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 12:22:07 -0800

If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site. I knew there was something I forgot to do on Tuesday.

By: prototype_octavius

prototype_octavius — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 12:43:51 -0800

'What? What are you saying? Are you saying your terrapin should eat worms out of my dog's ass?' Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!

By: miss-lapin

miss-lapin — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 13:52:35 -0800

I have to support any site that has a piece entitled Pro-Celebrity Hedgehog Buggery .

By: kavasa

kavasa — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 15:07:21 -0800

Oh shit. Man this is funny. Thank you so much.

By: jokeefe

jokeefe — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 16:10:57 -0800

"There was a time not so long ago when soul artistes could be heard to sing things like this: My man's a loser He can't get a job He drinks and gambles and exposes himself to nuns He smells bad and he beats me like a gong He would stick his dick into the toaster if there were no women around But I love him Whatever happened to that kind of loyalty and compassion? *wiping away tears of laughter* Bless you, spoon, and pretty generic, for posting this.

By: wendell

wendell — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 17:43:10 -0800

Hey, didn't you know that Reynolds Plastic Wrap comes in colors, so you can enfold your favorite dead rock star in the color of your choice! What shall it be? Elvis in Green? John Lennon in Purple? Hendrix in Pink? Buddy Holly in Blue? Yes, I know it would be inappropriate to wrap the "Man in Black" in anything but Clear... BTW, did Orbison ever resolve his custody dispute over the phrase "Man in Black" with Johnny Cash? Or did they just decide that Roy was "Man in Black/Rock n Roll" and Johnny was "Man in Black/Country"? If so, who's the "Man in Black/R&B"? (And anybody who says "Will Smith" gets whacked upside the Meta!!!)

By: onlyconnect

onlyconnect — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 17:49:14 -0800

[A street in Baghdad. The SMART-BOMB makes its way down the street whistling casually, dodging from tree to tree and hiding behind lamp-posts. It goes down some steps and knocks on a metal door. A grille opens.] BOMB: Is Saddam there? GUARD: Who is it? BOMB: It's, er, Pete. GUARD: Who? BOMB: I mean Tariq. Come on, let me in. GUARD: You're a smart-bomb. BOMB: No, I'm, er, Tony Benn. GUARD: Go away. BOMB: Home and Bunker magazine? GUARD: Piss off. BOMB: F*** it. [Zooms into old people's home and explodes] It's like reading Monty Python sketches that never got filmed. I wonder if he does any magazine writing.

By: miss-lapin

miss-lapin — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 18:00:23 -0800

Actually it reads closer to the "land shark" sketch from the original Not Ready For Prime Time Players on Saturday Night Live (I can not find a link to a full description or clip of the sketch-maybe someone else can help me out?) No matter what it reads like, its still damn funny. And whoever thought that a ridiculous sketch like land-shark would later be re-incarnated to criticize war reporting and military jargon?

By: Zonker

Zonker — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 18:46:25 -0800

Here ya go, miss-lapin.

By: onlyconnect

onlyconnect — Thu, 17 Apr 2003 23:45:26 -0800

I stand corrected, miss-lapin, you're quite right. Land shark!