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help me find a wife
May 11, 2003 3:54 PM   Subscribe

one mans quest for a soulmate. i feel sorry for this likeable lad, can any of our pot bellied metaladies help him out ?
posted by sgt.serenity (64 comments total)

 
So if you are that very special lady who's potbellied, flat chested, left handed, and a smoker... this guy loves you and wants to marry you!!!
posted by sgt.serenity at 3:56 PM on May 11, 2003


The man boobs aren't gonna help his cause much.
posted by moses at 3:59 PM on May 11, 2003


I won't kiss anyone on the mouth, so don't ask. And don't even MENTION oral sex to me. I think the whole idea of it sounds pretty bizarre and sick-making.

Poor man.
posted by donovan at 4:03 PM on May 11, 2003


I hate to be judgmental, but he needs to find a likable personality before he finds a wife.
posted by MegoSteve at 4:15 PM on May 11, 2003


He's a virgin who's more interested in hugs than sex?
posted by halonine at 4:18 PM on May 11, 2003


i guess that means you're not cut out to be his wife, MegoSteve. i find the site pretty weird, but i guess there's someone who won't. good luck to him.
posted by andrew cooke at 4:19 PM on May 11, 2003


and what's a BBW? (see google ads)
posted by andrew cooke at 4:21 PM on May 11, 2003


ah. it's kinda obvious if you follow a link.
posted by andrew cooke at 4:22 PM on May 11, 2003


[T]o me, a pretty lady who smokes is a comfy nostalgic reminder of my boyhood. It's the strangest thing, but I'm VERY turned on by the thought of hugging a pretty lady whose breath is delicately perfumed with ciggy smoke.

Does this scream "Oedipal Complex" to anyone else?
posted by Johnny Assay at 4:22 PM on May 11, 2003


BE SURE TO SPECIFY "Re: WifeOdyssey" IN THE SUBJECT SPACE, OR YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE DELETED.

Ok Dad. Oh, wait...
posted by scarabic at 4:26 PM on May 11, 2003


Yeah, gotta say, I like the nipple preview we get on the front page.
posted by kaibutsu at 4:36 PM on May 11, 2003


Does this scream "Oedipal Complex" to anyone else?

More like gently hums it, like a lullaby that mom used to sing to me ...
posted by WolfDaddy at 4:40 PM on May 11, 2003


Since I know he's probably gonna read this:

gimme a break guy. the one thing i as a 23-year-old have come to learn is that love can be found in the most unusual scenarios, places, and styles. You don't travel, you don't like much of anything, your standards are sooo high and the attitude is even higher than that-I'm not surprized the dating services have gotten no where. You don't kiss anyone on the mouth, I mean what kind of horrific-childhood experience (for which you probably are still in denial) did u go through to come up with that? It's not even like you gave reasons...
Well that said, if anything - the vast span that is the Internet may be able to come up with some viable choice through the the law of raw numbers (yet counteracted by your geographical restrictions) - simply: Good luck man - you can do it!
posted by omidius at 4:42 PM on May 11, 2003


Oedipal Complex indeed.

and do you HAVE to admit you live with your mom by implying that she'll be glad to have someone else to hang out with?

I don't know. I just got the impression that he's getting married because his mom wants him to.
posted by Busithoth at 4:42 PM on May 11, 2003


Oh. And who the hell told him Beethoven 'didn't get any?'
I like the rationalization. The tone of his page reminds me of myself at the apex of high school.

That's not necessarily a good thing while scouting for the wife. I wish him luck, too.

Hey, if Rush Limbaugh can find a wife online, surely this man can!
posted by Busithoth at 4:45 PM on May 11, 2003


metafilter : kindness, kindness, and more kindness!

the red sketch is pretty good, maybe he'll put his wedding photos up , i'd like to see the replies he gets.
i too wish this brave man lots of luck.
posted by sgt.serenity at 4:46 PM on May 11, 2003


This guy seems cool.
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 5:00 PM on May 11, 2003


You will NOT have to put up with:

* me sitting around watching ballgames on TV
* me telling you to wash the dishes
* me drinking
* me inviting obnoxious friends over... I showed them the door years ago
* me pestering you for sex (I WILL pester you for hugs, though)
* me getting arrested and put in jail
* me getting sick all the time, because I don't need stuff like herbs and therapies to stay healthy
* me gambling
* me seeing other women
* me staying out late or disappearing without saying anything
* male chauvinism


Um... aside from point number one (baseball games) and perhaps number seven (being generally healthy) all this other stuff seems to me to be the least that one should expect. If I were looking for a husband, I don't think I would be too inspired by him telling me that he doesn't drink, gamble, disappear, getting arrested, see other women, "pester" for sex (I'm assuming he means insisting even when his wife to be isn't up for it, so to speak), or that he isn't a male chauvinist. This would be the baseline, at least for me. So I guess I won't be moving to Los Angeles anytime soon...
posted by jokeefe at 5:01 PM on May 11, 2003


Besides, my lady would much rather have hugs and get her soft, beautiful belly massaged!

Something tells me this guy is looking for a pet not a woman.

Between Mr. WifeODDesy and this ebay prize , I am starting to wonder if it is true, all the good ones ARE taken or gay.
posted by necessitas at 5:07 PM on May 11, 2003


If people on the net can band together to relieve some dumb tart of her credit card debt the least we could do would be to hire this guy a nice hooker to relieve him of some of his fears / hangups.
posted by Space Coyote at 5:10 PM on May 11, 2003


At least he knows exactly what he wants. A lot of people fall into relationships because they *don't* know what they want and then painfully find out that this one isn't it.

I also wouldn't call his standards high. I would call his standards weird.

And good luck finding a woman who is 6' 3" and doesn't play or like sports. (I'm sure some girl here will now claim they are 6' 3" and hate sports. :) )
posted by astrogirl at 5:13 PM on May 11, 2003


What, no belly rubs before marriage?
posted by NortonDC at 5:22 PM on May 11, 2003


dude just needs to start a band!
posted by mcsweetie at 5:27 PM on May 11, 2003


Apparently he's looking for Bigfoot.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:35 PM on May 11, 2003


You people are so gullible.
posted by konolia at 5:45 PM on May 11, 2003


At least he knows exactly what he wants. A lot of people fall into relationships because they *don't* know what they want and then painfully find out that this one isn't it.

knowing exactly what you want might be useful if you're god or dr. frankenstein but in the real world, having absolutely specific details like this is only useful if you're thinking of a specific real person you hope will read the site. I mean, what percentage of women are over 6' tall and left handed? His starting pool is amazingly small; to find within it someone who he has chemistry with and who finds him attractive too is close to impossible.

Which I don't think is an accident. I doubt he wants to be married at all. Seems a high likelihood he's in the closet...
posted by mdn at 5:57 PM on May 11, 2003


The armchair psychoanalysis is unnecessary, guys.
posted by Hildago at 6:00 PM on May 11, 2003


God damn, that's discusting. Lightly perfumed with ciggarett smoke? Big belly?
posted by delmoi at 6:03 PM on May 11, 2003


"I've tasted piranha, brains, barbecue sauce, sweet-&-sour sauce, and cocoa beans straight from the tree..."

I think the fact that he's eaten brains proves my theory that he is looking for a creepy zombie bride with whom to destroy the earth.
posted by catfood at 6:03 PM on May 11, 2003


Are we 100% sure this isn't Steven den Beste?
posted by Ufez Jones at 6:10 PM on May 11, 2003


Hello, my name's Bunny. Goonigoogoo.
posted by LinusMines at 6:11 PM on May 11, 2003


This guy doesn't come close to holding a candle to this classic Internet personal ad, which has become even more complicated and just a bit wackier since the last time I looked at it.
posted by Prospero at 6:29 PM on May 11, 2003


PA


THE



TIC


!
posted by alicesshoe at 6:34 PM on May 11, 2003


Hello my future girlfriend...
posted by stifford at 6:45 PM on May 11, 2003


From Prospero's link: If a man doesn't masturbate, he won't get sick.

Tough decision.
posted by skryche at 6:50 PM on May 11, 2003


I wish you people would stop making fun of me! I just wanted to meet a beautiful woman with a sweet little potbelly, and you bastards have pissed all over my dreams!!! Go to Hell, Metafilter, go to hell!!!!
posted by jonson at 6:59 PM on May 11, 2003


Damn, Prospero. Beat me to it.

But apparently she's marygentle now. Who woulda thunk.
posted by gramcracker at 7:11 PM on May 11, 2003


And the big old freak show of this world keeps rolling along...
posted by xmutex at 7:11 PM on May 11, 2003


The best things in life are freaky!

so true. so true.
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 7:13 PM on May 11, 2003


I am starting to wonder if it is true, all the good ones ARE taken or gay

ugh, i'm gonna have to disagree with this: all the good ones who aren't taken or gay are too damn shy or "antisocial" to approach a women they don't already know as a friend (and by then the woman considers them just a friend). Of course i'm moving to San Fran, so maybe i am gay afterall.
posted by NGnerd at 7:16 PM on May 11, 2003


I was cut out to be a one-woman man, and I'm tired of being a no-woman man.

i just had to quote that. it's quote-a-licious.
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 7:24 PM on May 11, 2003


" I myself never spent a day in college. I waited 12 years to get OUT of school. I majored in Industrial Ed and English"

Wuh? So he didn't go to college, where did he get a double major? High school? Even if this is fake, that bit doesn't compute to me.
posted by GaelFC at 8:02 PM on May 11, 2003


I think that line translates to "too dumb to take science in high school"
posted by Space Coyote at 8:16 PM on May 11, 2003


Hello, my name's Bunny. Goonigoogoo.
posted by LinusMines at 9:11 PM EST on May 11


This had me literally laughing out loud....I am still laughing. I just had to thank you LinusMines! Best laugh I have had in days....
posted by SweetIceT at 8:31 PM on May 11, 2003


I'm stunned that any of you think this is real.
posted by Ynoxas at 8:36 PM on May 11, 2003


I'm with the non-believers...I think it's a put-on.
posted by dejah420 at 8:48 PM on May 11, 2003


Should be a pretty easy quest - a woman 27-35, 6'3 tall, left-handed (at least that part of his requirements I can understand), a smoker, lives in West LA, pot-bellied and flat-chested. That should narrow the choices down to maybe 3 or 4.

Apart from the age, my guess is that he is describing his mother
posted by dg at 9:21 PM on May 11, 2003


I'm stunned that any of you think this is real.

It's gets harder and harder to greet stories like this with the disbelief that they deserve. Strange days, my friend, strange days.
posted by SPrintF at 9:32 PM on May 11, 2003


Busithoth, Beethoven was celibate... but he was deeply in love, with a mysterious someone.
posted by taz at 10:39 PM on May 11, 2003


It's gets harder and harder to greet stories like this with the disbelief that they deserve.

Good point. Maybe we could set him up with "non-fictional" blogger isabella v.
posted by necessitas at 11:38 PM on May 11, 2003


I'm stunned that any of you think this is real.

I've met weirder guys than this. Believe me. He seems entirely plausible; though the six foot tall left handed virgin thing is pretty over the top. Or perhaps he took to heart the advice to ask for exactly what you want...
posted by jokeefe at 12:06 AM on May 12, 2003


I'm stunned that any of you think this is real.

Well, the name on the whois info ("Martin Goss") fits the M.G. initials on the paintings.

Also, read his many newsgroup postings for some more info on him. Seems to be legit.
posted by gluechunk at 12:23 AM on May 12, 2003


Thank goodness I never articulated and sought exactly what I wanted... my imaginary ideal would have been a poor substitute for what I found. The truth is that the subtleties and complexities of real personalities defy and shame our anticipations. I have great powers of imagination and logic, but neither of these has ever helped me penetrate the mysteries of love. For what it's worth, my paltry and cryptic advice to the lovelorn would be this: there are certain key moments in your life when personal bravery is the quality that will be most eloquently rewarded.
posted by taz at 12:44 AM on May 12, 2003


metafilter : true nocturnal emissions
posted by sgt.serenity at 4:42 AM on May 12, 2003


Wuh? So he didn't go to college, where did he get a double major? High school?

Hmm, correspondence course maybe?
posted by plep at 6:20 AM on May 12, 2003


I'm stunned that any of you think this is real.
I put this page together in the hope that some very lucky, lovely lady out there will want to be my wife. I tried web dating services, but ...

But what?...couldn't find a date to go out with through the web. So in turn, asks the web to find a date for him. Why do folks torture themselves. Can't find a date using the web, so I'll post on the web to find a wife. Good luck is right, he's waiting for some lucky soul to find him, jackpot for her he says...but.
posted by thomcatspike at 7:04 AM on May 12, 2003


These are some of my interests: chemistry (both kinds)...

It's so rare to find a man who appreciates organic, too.

I'm stunned that any of you think this is real.

David Gonterman
the Pixyland guy
Alex "Timecube" Chiu

These people are all chillingly real and sound like utter put ons. Why not this guy?
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 7:30 AM on May 12, 2003


I have to agree with Taz.

I am happily married and deeply in love with my wife. However, had you asked me what I wanted before I met her, it would have been nothing like what I currently love.
posted by Samizdata at 8:05 AM on May 12, 2003


If this guy and the Pixieland guy could both realize that they are gay, they could end up being really happy together.
posted by vraxoin at 12:44 PM on May 12, 2003


i thought he was married to some russian chick?


posted by specialk420 at 12:56 PM on May 12, 2003


Though I confess I find appendix scars on poochy female tummies very appealing.

I suddenly feel better about every bad date I've ever had - none can compare to this guy. And I needn't worry about every winding up on a date with someone like him, as I'm not a smoker, lefthanded, flat-chested, or potbellied, and my appendix is intact. I'd be rejected, and it would be all to the good.
posted by orange swan at 12:58 PM on May 12, 2003


All these years, and I'm still trying to figure out my mother... you have to be careful around her because her "freakout threshold" isn't very high.

Every sentence on this website reveals some new horror.
posted by orange swan at 1:01 PM on May 12, 2003


The best things in life are freaky!

I'm glad somebody finally noticed. That "are" should be an "is", though, and I'm singular.
posted by Freaky at 1:45 AM on May 14, 2003


<looks back at comment and wishes for an [edit] link>
posted by Freaky at 1:59 AM on May 14, 2003


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