Bad Erotica

May 26, 2003 2:21 AM

His Turgid Member, Her Heaving Bosoms, My Gag Reflex: There's nothing like really bad erotica to take your mind off sex. There's no sentence like "Brooke ripped off Randy's mesh jersey. His abs were undulating hills, with heavy underbrush around his navel." to make you think of lint and tumbleweed. For our undelectation, Nerve.com's readers have chosen the very worst examples of lurid chastity-inspiring unsexiness. [Safe for work and Viagra-proof thanks only to downright descriptive incompetence. If you're excited by any of this, seek psychiatric assistance immediately.]
posted by MiguelCardoso (31 comments total)

Your "gag reflex"? I've heard they have exercises that ease it.
posted by RavinDave at 2:29 AM on May 26, 2003

[this is good!]
posted by plep at 3:39 AM on May 26, 2003

Pick up useful tips at How to write sex scenes. (NSFW)
posted by plep at 3:42 AM on May 26, 2003

"Your "gag reflex"? I've heard they have exercises that ease it."

Anaesthetic throat lozenges.

*cough*

Or so I'm told ;)
posted by pixeldiva at 3:43 AM on May 26, 2003

And somehow incorporating the term "Anaesthetic throat lozenges." into your erotic fiction is pretty much guaranteed to make it unsexy, as well.
posted by dgaicun at 4:02 AM on May 26, 2003

Mig's posts always turn me on ;-)
posted by i_cola at 4:07 AM on May 26, 2003

Well, I made it halfway through number 2...

AAAAAAAAAAAH!

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

FLEE! TO THE TREES!!!!!!

(dashes off screaming and incoherently gouging at his eyes)
posted by Samizdata at 4:22 AM on May 26, 2003

"It's so big!", Jenifer insinuated, as Marvin the paranoid android wriggled wildly, and plop went her flatulant card catalog into her crusty roody-poo candy ass."
posted by Opus Dark at 4:25 AM on May 26, 2003

"And somehow incorporating the term "Anaesthetic throat lozenges." into your erotic fiction is pretty much guaranteed to make it unsexy, as well."

... and of course you'd have to mention that the strong smell of eucalyptus or menthol or whatever would more than likely knock out the intended participant, or at the very least, make at least one of their eyes water.

Unless of course that floats their particular boat, in which case, that goes into an area of erotica that I'd rather not paddle in, thankyouverymuch.
posted by pixeldiva at 4:34 AM on May 26, 2003

Randy's sex marmot yearned to escape.

Fantastic! All other euphemisms are now redundant. I do hope Joel Veitch takes note - I can almost see it now. And I really wish I couldn't (thanks Miguel, this will keep me, erm, entertained all morning..)
posted by zygoticmynci at 4:44 AM on May 26, 2003

Although the ALF fanfiction amused me, I have read worse. Much. Much. Worse.

And the RPG Guide To Sex cracks me up.
posted by Katemonkey at 5:16 AM on May 26, 2003

"... he freed my puppies from their underwire kennels."

Heh. Funny.
posted by debralee at 5:20 AM on May 26, 2003

I couldn't get past the first paragraph of the first one. I can't imagine where it went from there.

No, wait, maybe I can.
posted by tommasz at 6:27 AM on May 26, 2003

Yeah but how often do you actually get to see the word *turgid* used.
posted by Trik at 7:09 AM on May 26, 2003

Don't forget the British version: the Bad Sex in Fiction Award.
posted by Vidiot at 7:14 AM on May 26, 2003

"...or at the very least, make at least one of their eyes water."

Jap's?
posted by Blue Stone at 7:25 AM on May 26, 2003

Maybe we could have a Worst "Featured Personal" award, too?

"swede31 -
Most humbling moment: "Realizing my Swedish touch didn't match the American way.""

(((puke)))

Guess he's trying to pull neo-con Republican chicks, then?
posted by Blue Stone at 7:29 AM on May 26, 2003

Yeah but how often do you actually get to see the word *turgid* used.

Semi-frequently when discussing literary wanks. ;)
posted by romakimmy at 7:49 AM on May 26, 2003

. . . Alf bucked and a jet of jism burst from Herbert's eye and . . . into the chip dip . . .

I don't kow about anyone else, but I just hate it when that happens.
posted by madamjujujive at 8:39 AM on May 26, 2003

bukka...
bukkak;;;
buckacrack
ah, fuck it
posted by clavdivs at 8:44 AM on May 26, 2003

Quonsar: Metafilter's Turgid Member
posted by quonsar at 8:45 AM on May 26, 2003

I much prefer the Bad Sex in Fiction awards linked above, because of their limitation to actual published fiction. Writing bad sex scenes deliberately for a contest isn't hard. Finding bad sex scenes in slash is ridiculously easy. Finding sex scenes that aren't bad in anything even tangentially related to D&D approaches the impossible.

On the other hand, Miguel's post text is one of the most amusing things I've read in weeks.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:53 AM on May 26, 2003

What the hell are sentimental breasts?
Do I have sentimental breasts?
posted by Zulujines at 8:53 AM on May 26, 2003

Well if you are concerned about the possibility of suffering from sentimental breast syndrome Zulujines, you could always change their attitude.
posted by madamjujujive at 9:54 AM on May 26, 2003

I like your food porn better, Miguel ;)
posted by trondant at 9:57 AM on May 26, 2003

Read this:

"My name is Julio, Julio Gottstein," he said, his smoldering eyes aflame in the victory he would soon celebrate. "And soon, I shall have you."

Now read it again.

Again.
posted by Hildago at 11:14 AM on May 26, 2003

Just mention the word "girdle" and i'm stuffed.
girdle,
girdle
girdle...
(>_<)
posted by xtian at 11:30 AM on May 26, 2003

"Randy's sex marmot yearned to escape."
I love this place.
posted by Salmonberry at 11:31 AM on May 26, 2003

What - no stories about Roy Orbison wrapped in cling film?
posted by FormlessOne at 11:52 AM on May 26, 2003

What - no stories about Roy Orbison wrapped in cling film...

and singing... anything you want, you got it.....?
posted by orange swan at 1:42 PM on May 26, 2003

I took deep breaths, and the heaving of my nipples against my tight cashmere sweater rendered them as erect as Dirk's rod used to get when he licked the perspiration from my armpit.... I was impaled on his love rod. The windshield was fogged up. The SUV was rocking. I leaned back against the dashboard and grabbed at the radio dial... I hadn't heard the extended version of "Freebird" for years, but he stuffed my love muffin while singing with Skynyrd.

Errr....
posted by Pericles at 5:54 AM on May 27, 2003