No Painted Hussies!

June 4, 2003 9:54 PM

Short of finding your spouse from Jailbabes, the "mail order bride" has to be the worst notion in the proud tradition of horrible spousal selection. But for too long now, the lonely women of the world have been shut out from this marketplace of love. Not anymore, thanks to MailOrderHusbands. Order now, going fast!
posted by jonson (8 comments total)

Exhibit A in the case against legalizing gay marriage?

I was hoping it was some kind of scheme for selling U.S. citizenship to relatively unattractive, yet relatively wealthy women from overseas. Sort of a different play on the classic mail order bride operation. This is just silly, though.
posted by son_of_minya at 10:43 PM on June 4, 2003

Silly, indeed. Consider:

"Would like to meet a girl who is open to creative marriage arrangements, including multiple wives. If you order me I promise to provide for you and treat you and your sister-wives respectfully."

"My parents are kicking me out after December and I'd like to meet a woman with a lot of money so we can have fun. I like women between 18-45, but would consider older if we do not have to touch a lot."

"I am looking for someone who can hold my atention, keep up with me, and who knows how to dress a wound. I am attracted to a girl with a job and a car. preferably a Camarro."

"I have 2 children, but do not need to bring them with me when we marry since I rarely see them anyway. My ex wife has them. I do not have any other kids with the other ex wives, whcih means I am free to party with you."

"Order me, I have good all-around hygiene."

"I like to write poetry and I have gained the trust of several small children and a few foreign people."

Pure. Comedy. Gold.
posted by trondant at 10:45 PM on June 4, 2003

If I hadn't stumbled on the perfect woman completely by accident on IRC one night (now engaged), I think I'd prefer a mail-order bride to any other form of spousal selection.

I mean, I pick & choose, pay, and there you go. How is this not a perfect arrangement? I don't mind earning the bread, and even helping out with the housework - outside of that and the occasional intercourse I mostly want to be left the hell alone with my computer (my fiance is also a computer geek, we sit side by side and websurf all night, every night, yes Friday nights too).

I dunno, I just don't see how anyone could consider mailorder brides anything but perfect. *shrugs*
posted by Ryvar at 11:52 PM on June 4, 2003

I know someone who's been happily married with kid and one on the way to a mail order bride for several years. I don't think that it is totally a bad thing. Depends on the people involved like much of life...
posted by woil at 2:16 AM on June 5, 2003

I found out a few weeks ago that my great-grandmother was a mail-order bride. She'd been poor, in Italy -- her first job was doing the laundry of a rich family by banging clothes between stones at the river. And at the time, mail-order brides had a better shot at a better life in America. (Interestingly, her husband caught pneumonia from a fellow sweathouse worker and died shortly after she came over... she married my great-grandfather after that.) Anyway, I'd imagine the same principle is at work.
posted by krewson at 6:34 AM on June 5, 2003

I dunno, I just don't see how anyone could consider mailorder brides anything but perfect.

I've done more than a few pro bono immigration cases for very nice, very beautiful, educated, intelligent Russian mail order brides that were now living in battered women's shelters and trying to escape their husbands while at the same time not getting deported. There really wasn't anything wrong with these women except they got themselves into a terrible situation out of their desperation to escape the poverty of their nation. Its the husbands like those guys that need the deportation.

Anyway, nice links, pure gold. I'll be headed down to Tutwiller Women's Correctional Institute to visit my Charlene soon, thanks Jailbabes!
posted by Pollomacho at 8:12 AM on June 5, 2003

Maybe this was meant to be obvious, but it ain't real, folks. Sorry.
posted by yhbc at 8:21 AM on June 5, 2003

I'm just pissed at them using my picture.
posted by Pericles at 8:56 AM on June 5, 2003