Best damn news I've heard all day

July 16, 2003 1:40 PM

Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten you lower your chance of getting prostate cancer. Won't somebody think of the kittens?
posted by yhbc (64 comments total)

WHOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
posted by The Michael The at 1:43 PM on July 16, 2003

Not merely masturbating, but "frequent self-pleasuring", as in more than five times per week.

How...interesting.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:45 PM on July 16, 2003

Glad to know that five minutes extra in the shower this morning was for a greater good. That said...

those who had ejaculated more than five times per week in their twenties, for instance, were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer later in life

Five times a week? Every week? What am I, 15?
posted by Ufez Jones at 1:46 PM on July 16, 2003

Wait....self-pleasuring?! All this time I thought masturbation was a chore!
posted by graventy at 1:46 PM on July 16, 2003

If all you need is five times a week, my prostrate can probably bench-press about 250lbs now.....
posted by pjgulliver at 1:47 PM on July 16, 2003

I have heard of this theory before. . and in my line of reasoning, it goes under the "use it or lose it" heading.
posted by Danf at 1:48 PM on July 16, 2003

HALLELUJAH

I AM NEVER, EVER GETTING CANCER
posted by keef at 1:50 PM on July 16, 2003

Or, as quonsar might say:

A whappa a day keeps the doctor away.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:51 PM on July 16, 2003

Correction keef, you are never getting prostate cancer. You might have a problem with another type of cancer, with all of those post-orgasmic cigarettes you smoke.
posted by graventy at 1:53 PM on July 16, 2003

What's the female equivalent? Breast rubbing?

Hmmm.
posted by widdershins at 1:54 PM on July 16, 2003

Wait....self-pleasuring?! All this time I thought masturbation was a chore!

Try without the boxing gloves. Worked for me.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 1:55 PM on July 16, 2003

Great - now the HMOs are going to start requiring men to keep prevention logs.
posted by nickmark at 1:57 PM on July 16, 2003

nickmark -- that's what the webcam is for.
posted by graventy at 1:59 PM on July 16, 2003

Three comments:

1) I'm all for the promotion of masturbating, but I do wish they hadn't used the term "self-pleasuring".

2) This article, like most health reports, has some serious correlation/causation issues to work out. (I bet men who ejaculate more buy a lot more Kleenex, but that doesn't mean that Kleenex prevents prostate cancer.)

3) Well, guess all that masturbating will make up for the smokin'!
posted by tweebiscuit at 2:06 PM on July 16, 2003

"Men have many ways of using their prostate which do not involve women or other men," Giles adds.

Soups and salads?
posted by angry modem at 2:08 PM on July 16, 2003

There's just no words for how I feel about this. I think I'm going to go celebrate.
posted by insomnyuk at 2:26 PM on July 16, 2003

"Men have many ways of using their prostate which do not involve women or other men," Giles adds.

Soups and salads?

There's definitely a term for something you can do involving a prostate with the word "salad" in it. Though I don't know how you would pull it off without someone else's help.

So are we gonna see public health commercials soon? "Fight back against prostate cancer. Several times a day." (drumroll)
posted by nath at 2:26 PM on July 16, 2003

A great day for all men. Hell, even if it's a crock of...we get some fun out of it, right?

Unless you're part of the every "sperm is sacred" point of view. God's way of punishing the Catholics? (<-JOKE)
posted by Be'lal at 2:29 PM on July 16, 2003

soups and salads?

Well, I immediately thought of tossed salad, like nath, but
that doesn't really get to the prostate (I hope!).

But there're always helpful toys, like this. [NSFW]
posted by ursus_comiter at 2:31 PM on July 16, 2003

Okay, so sodomy is legal, and ejaculation prevents cancer... That's great, and I don't mean to be critical, but there has to be a more direct method of dealing with America's health care problems.

Unless it's all part of the philosophy of personal responsibility, I suppose.
posted by nickmark at 2:35 PM on July 16, 2003

In the Elizabethan era it was believed that every orgasm a man had shortened his life. This inspired many a sonnet in which the poet proclaimed his readiness to die for love.

Seems like no matter what the prevailing beliefs are, those monkeys are just made to be spanked.
posted by orange swan at 2:37 PM on July 16, 2003

Are you talking about these kittens?



Kill a kitten, prevent butt cancer? All in a day's work.
posted by fenriq at 2:39 PM on July 16, 2003

Well, guess all that masturbating will make up for the smokin'!

Only if you're doing something wrong Wrong WRONG with those lit cigarettes, me bucko.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:39 PM on July 16, 2003

Masturbation also helps prevent boredom.

Is there anything it can't do?
posted by Hildago at 2:48 PM on July 16, 2003

Only if you're doing something wrong Wrong WRONG with those lit cigarettes, me bucko.

If putting cigarettes up my you-know-what is wrong, I don't want to be right.
posted by tweebiscuit at 2:52 PM on July 16, 2003

Hmm, does it work if someone else is doing the manipulation? I.e. does a hand job count?

I wonder if its just orgasms or the actual jacking off that does it. Probably something to do with the clenching and unclenching of .......uhhh......nevermind. I'm not going there.
posted by fenriq at 2:53 PM on July 16, 2003

The article postulates that getting rid of seminal juices before they go stale may be the cause of the purported benefit.
posted by ursus_comiter at 2:55 PM on July 16, 2003

They called me crazy! Said I was a fool! Look who's laughing NOW!
posted by squirrel at 2:55 PM on July 16, 2003

Is there anything it can't do?

Well, it's not the best option if you want to have a child...
posted by nickmark at 2:56 PM on July 16, 2003

The best thing about this is being able to tell the doctor:
"No, you don't need to finger my bunghole. I'm a champ wanker."
posted by scarabic at 3:05 PM on July 16, 2003

Wow, all those times when i was depressed and joked, "Hell, I only masturbate any more out of loyalty to my prostate," I was speaking some medical truth!

Is this the proper thread to post good free porno links?
posted by notsnot at 3:09 PM on July 16, 2003

"If these findings hold up, then it's perfectly reasonable that men should be encouraged to masturbate."

I want to hear it from the US Surgeon General ... Wait a minute, we already did.

scarabic made me laugh.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:14 PM on July 16, 2003

"No, you don't need to finger my bunghole. I'm a champ wanker."

Can I get that on my MedicAlert bracelet?
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 3:15 PM on July 16, 2003

re: ursus' link

I see the profile of the Virgin Mary in that. Really. She's looking left and has a tail and penis. That can't be an accident. That, or I need Depakote or something.
posted by Mayor Curley at 3:38 PM on July 16, 2003

Does 'pumping the prostate' via the anus count (as used in Road Trip)? I find this method preferable, as it's more efficient and cleaner.
posted by wackybrit at 3:39 PM on July 16, 2003

This is obviously not true. If it was then the incidence of prostate cancer would be so low that nobody would ever have heard of it.
posted by willnot at 3:44 PM on July 16, 2003

random ejaculations from the hotel q

i have known this for years.

~~~

bill clinton was just trying to stay healthy.

~~~

i have some of those things ursus linked. in my bathroom. i always thought they were hangers...

~~~

if it's on the wall, in the bathroom, i assure you: it's a clothes hanger.
posted by quonsar at 4:16 PM on July 16, 2003

Curley, there's no need to go stretching the truth about seeing mary in a sex toy.
posted by ursus_comiter at 4:27 PM on July 16, 2003

I am thinking of the kittens when I masturbate.
posted by WolfDaddy at 4:59 PM on July 16, 2003

...because everyone hates kittens....
posted by orange swan at 6:16 PM on July 16, 2003

Have to watch out for side effects.
posted by Wet Spot at 6:20 PM on July 16, 2003

I have to say, the actual scientific support for this assertion is...
On preview, oh, hell; never mind...
posted by TedW at 6:27 PM on July 16, 2003

I guess this brings new meaning to the concept of mistreating animals in the search for a cure for cancer.
posted by GrahamVM at 7:10 PM on July 16, 2003

"I am thinking of the kittens when I masturbate."

*shudder*
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:23 PM on July 16, 2003

Oh, and does anyone think there's any relationship with this story?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:26 PM on July 16, 2003

^<---------------- baaaaahahah
posted by rxrfrx at 7:34 PM on July 16, 2003

It's a prostatic stagnation hypothesis," says Giles. "The more you flush the ducts out, the less [carcinogens, etc.] there are to hang around and damage the cells that line them." His findings suggest an intriguing parallel between prostate cancer and breast cancer, as recent studies indicate that lactating reduces a woman's risk of breast cancer, perhaps because this also flushes out carcinogens.

Great. You guys get all the fun. *sulks*
posted by jokeefe at 8:09 PM on July 16, 2003

Downer time............

OK - so, humans dump all this toxic shit into the environment, and some of it concentrates in men's gonads. So men get testicular cancer unless they masturbate a lot and flush it out.

The same "cleansing effect" seems to hold true for women, except that, in that case, the very same toxic shit gets flushed out of women's lactating breasts into nursing human babies.

[ back to yuck yuck channel ]
posted by troutfishing at 8:34 PM on July 16, 2003

Funny thing is, I seem to remember an interview with Timothy Leary before he died bemoaning the fact that he should have masturbated more often. I wish I could find the source, though...

Timothy was right, I guess!
posted by insomnia_lj at 8:42 PM on July 16, 2003

troutfishing, I actually did think the same thing (just before I forced myself to beat all the other yuck-yucks to posting the story) - whoa: so men (maybe) can prevent their particular cancer by whacking off, but women (maybe) can only prevent their particular (and yes, I know men get breast cancer too) cancer by actually having the baby and doing the nursing.

Yes, it's unfair, but it didn't stop me from posting the story.
posted by yhbc at 8:53 PM on July 16, 2003

OK - so, humans dump all this toxic shit into the environment, and some of it concentrates in men's gonads. So men get testicular cancer unless they masturbate a lot and flush it out.

And everybody's OK with this?

I understand it's going to fit right in to the plan for many guys, but frankly, I don't want to have to play hot potato with my reproductive fluids.
posted by namespan at 8:56 PM on July 16, 2003

How is this a surprise to anyone?

"Wow, it turns out that something humans enjoy doing is actually a form of self-preservation!"

"Gee, ya think?"
posted by spazzm at 9:05 PM on July 16, 2003

I mean, what's the next thing they'll come up with? Laughter is good for you?
posted by spazzm at 9:07 PM on July 16, 2003

"Yes, it's unfair, but it didn't stop me from posting the story."
- yhbc - and it shouldn't have stopped you. Kurt Vonnegut once wrote a mean, brilliant short story about fairness, and "handicapping" and, besides, the truth is, as ever, beautifully sour. [ And, some, writers have a thing for commas, too. ]
posted by troutfishing at 9:41 PM on July 16, 2003

One more for the road:

So every MetaTalk circle-jerk is just group therapy?
posted by Ufez Jones at 10:39 PM on July 16, 2003

Starting masturbation too young will cause the neuro-endocrine dysfunction. Your brain/pituitary-adrenal-testicular function cannot support a testosterone burst for holding up an erection due to a low level of bioelectric potential in your brain/parasympathetic nervous system.

Uh oh... the bad news, via the charmingly named wet spot's link...
posted by jokeefe at 11:42 PM on July 16, 2003

What are the dangers of masturbating too much?

Dr Lin’s Response:

You have trained your prostate ejaculation nerve to come quickly. This kind of masturbation training is the same as the martial art that trains the hands to intuitively react once the visual nerve is stimulated by other people's hands.

This site is a comic's delight, I'm telling ya.
posted by jokeefe at 11:49 PM on July 16, 2003

re jokeefe's links: I was reading this week's Savage Love and Dan Savage suggests a different reason why these problems happen.

(Not that I think herbolove.com is to be taken particularly seriously, after seeing Wet Spot's link and jokeefe's, but still.)

Besides, what exactly is masturbating "too young"? I mean, if you can get an erection and you can have an orgasm, you're not too young, right?
posted by nath at 1:15 AM on July 17, 2003

MetaFilter: No, you don't need to finger my bunghole.
posted by bwg at 4:41 AM on July 17, 2003

I believe troutfishing is referring to Harrison Bergeron.
posted by TedW at 6:45 AM on July 17, 2003

I am proud to have been a leading advocate of this health care measure since 1982.
posted by Ynoxas at 8:19 AM on July 17, 2003

...an interview with Timothy Leary before he died bemoaning the fact that he should have masturbated more often.

That is one regret that I'm quite sure that I will not have.
posted by goethean at 8:54 AM on July 17, 2003

mrgrimm said it first (practically), but it's obvious that Joycelyn Elders deserves a major apology.

And mr_crash_davis, that link made me laugh more than anything I've seen all day (even the Metallica hoax).
posted by soyjoy at 1:18 PM on July 17, 2003

Doh! Just saw my deleted post, tis true I did nay search. In my defence I did a quick scan down the front page but it had already dropped off. New born baby has cut in on valuable MeFi time thus reducing my previously deep deep knowledge of each and every post. Sigh.
posted by zeoslap at 8:11 PM on July 19, 2003