Comments on: Best damn news I've heard all day

Best damn news I've heard all day

yhbc — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:40:22 -0800

Every time you masturbate, ~~God kills a kitten~~ you lower your chance of getting prostate cancer. Won't somebody think of the kittens?

By: The Michael The

The Michael The — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:43:14 -0800

WHOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:45:26 -0800

Not merely masturbating, but "frequent self-pleasuring", as in more than five times per week. How...interesting.

By: Ufez Jones

Ufez Jones — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:46:08 -0800

Glad to know that five minutes extra in the shower this morning was for a greater good. That said... those who had ejaculated more than five times per week in their twenties, for instance, were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer later in life Five times a week? Every week? What am I, 15?

By: graventy

graventy — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:46:29 -0800

Wait....self-pleasuring?! All this time I thought masturbation was a chore!

By: pjgulliver

pjgulliver — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:47:01 -0800

If all you need is five times a week, my prostrate can probably bench-press about 250lbs now.....

By: Danf

Danf — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:48:25 -0800

I have heard of this theory before. . and in my line of reasoning, it goes under the "use it or lose it" heading.

By: keef

keef — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:50:08 -0800

HALLELUJAH I AM NEVER, EVER GETTING CANCER

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:51:05 -0800

Or, as quonsar might say: A whappa a day keeps the doctor away.

By: graventy

graventy — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:53:08 -0800

Correction keef, you are never getting prostate cancer. You might have a problem with another type of cancer, with all of those post-orgasmic cigarettes you smoke.

By: widdershins

widdershins — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:54:41 -0800

What's the female equivalent? Breast rubbing? Hmmm.

By: PinkStainlessTail

PinkStainlessTail — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:55:53 -0800

Wait....self-pleasuring?! All this time I thought masturbation was a chore! Try without the boxing gloves. Worked for me.

By: nickmark

nickmark — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:57:27 -0800

Great - now the HMOs are going to start requiring men to keep prevention logs.

By: graventy

graventy — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 13:59:33 -0800

nickmark -- that's what the webcam is for.

By: tweebiscuit

tweebiscuit — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:06:12 -0800

Three comments: 1) I'm all for the promotion of masturbating, but I do wish they hadn't used the term "self-pleasuring". 2) This article, like most health reports, has some serious correlation/causation issues to work out. (I bet men who ejaculate more buy a lot more Kleenex, but that doesn't mean that Kleenex prevents prostate cancer.) 3) Well, guess all that masturbating will make up for the smokin'!

By: angry modem

angry modem — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:08:00 -0800

"Men have many ways of using their prostate which do not involve women or other men," Giles adds. Soups and salads?

By: insomnyuk

insomnyuk — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:26:02 -0800

There's just no words for how I feel about this. I think I'm going to go celebrate.

By: nath

nath — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:26:36 -0800

"Men have many ways of using their prostate which do not involve women or other men," Giles adds. Soups and salads? There's definitely a term for something you can do involving a prostate with the word "salad" in it. Though I don't know how you would pull it off without someone else's help. So are we gonna see public health commercials soon? "Fight back against prostate cancer. Several times a day." (drumroll)

By: Be'lal

Be'lal — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:29:47 -0800

A great day for all men. Hell, even if it's a crock of...we get some fun out of it, right? Unless you're part of the every "sperm is sacred" point of view. God's way of punishing the Catholics? (<-JOKE)

By: ursus_comiter

ursus_comiter — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:31:43 -0800

soups and salads? Well, I immediately thought of tossed salad, like nath, but that doesn't really get to the prostate (I hope!). But there're always helpful toys, like this. [NSFW]

By: nickmark

nickmark — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:35:01 -0800

Okay, so sodomy is legal, and ejaculation prevents cancer... That's great, and I don't mean to be critical, but there has to be a more direct method of dealing with America's health care problems. Unless it's all part of the philosophy of personal responsibility, I suppose.

By: orange swan

orange swan — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:37:52 -0800

In the Elizabethan era it was believed that every orgasm a man had shortened his life. This inspired many a sonnet in which the poet proclaimed his readiness to die for love. Seems like no matter what the prevailing beliefs are, those monkeys are just made to be spanked.

By: fenriq

fenriq — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:39:23 -0800

Are you talking about these kittens? Kill a kitten, prevent butt cancer? All in a day's work.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:39:48 -0800

Well, guess all that masturbating will make up for the smokin'! Only if you're doing something wrong Wrong WRONG with those lit cigarettes, me bucko.

By: Hildago

Hildago — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:48:54 -0800

Masturbation also helps prevent boredom. Is there anything it can't do?

By: tweebiscuit

tweebiscuit — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:52:54 -0800

Only if you're doing something wrong Wrong WRONG with those lit cigarettes, me bucko. If putting cigarettes up my you-know-what is wrong, I don't want to be right.

By: fenriq

fenriq — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:53:35 -0800

Hmm, does it work if someone else is doing the manipulation? I.e. does a hand job count? I wonder if its just orgasms or the actual jacking off that does it. Probably something to do with the clenching and unclenching of .......uhhh......nevermind. I'm not going there.

By: ursus_comiter

ursus_comiter — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:55:27 -0800

The article postulates that getting rid of seminal juices before they go stale may be the cause of the purported benefit.

By: squirrel

squirrel — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:55:48 -0800

They called me crazy! Said I was a fool! Look who's laughing NOW!

By: nickmark

nickmark — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 14:56:33 -0800

Is there anything it can't do? Well, it's not the best option if you want to have a child...

By: scarabic

scarabic — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 15:05:04 -0800

The best thing about this is being able to tell the doctor: "No, you don't need to finger my bunghole. I'm a champ wanker."

By: notsnot

notsnot — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 15:09:49 -0800

Wow, all those times when i was depressed and joked, "Hell, I only masturbate any more out of loyalty to my prostate," I was speaking some medical truth! Is this the proper thread to post good free porno links?

By: mrgrimm

mrgrimm — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 15:14:10 -0800

"If these findings hold up, then it's perfectly reasonable that men should be encouraged to masturbate." I want to hear it from the US Surgeon General ... Wait a minute, we already did. scarabic made me laugh.

By: Ignatius J. Reilly

Ignatius J. Reilly — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 15:15:43 -0800

"No, you don't need to finger my bunghole. I'm a champ wanker." Can I get that on my MedicAlert bracelet?

By: Mayor Curley

Mayor Curley — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 15:38:01 -0800

re: ursus' link I see the profile of the Virgin Mary in that. Really. She's looking left and has a tail and penis. That can't be an accident. That, or I need Depakote or something.

By: wackybrit

wackybrit — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 15:39:09 -0800

Does 'pumping the prostate' via the anus count (as used in Road Trip)? I find this method preferable, as it's more efficient and cleaner.

By: willnot

willnot — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 15:44:35 -0800

This is obviously not true. If it was then the incidence of prostate cancer would be so low that nobody would ever have heard of it.

By: quonsar

quonsar — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 16:16:31 -0800

random ejaculations from the hotel q i have known this for years. ~~~ bill clinton was just trying to stay healthy. ~~~ i have some of those things ursus linked. in my bathroom. i always thought they were hangers... ~~~ if it's on the wall, in the bathroom, i assure you: it's a clothes hanger.

By: ursus_comiter

ursus_comiter — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 16:27:22 -0800

Curley, there's no need to go stretching the truth about seeing mary in a sex toy.

By: WolfDaddy

WolfDaddy — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 16:59:08 -0800

I am thinking of the kittens when I masturbate.

By: orange swan

orange swan — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 18:16:08 -0800

...because everyone hates kittens....

By: Wet Spot

Wet Spot — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 18:20:44 -0800

Have to watch out for side effects.

By: TedW

TedW — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 18:27:30 -0800

I have to say, the actual scientific support for this assertion is... On preview, oh, hell; never mind...

By: GrahamVM

GrahamVM — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 19:10:09 -0800

I guess this brings new meaning to the concept of mistreating animals in the search for a cure for cancer.

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 19:23:55 -0800

"I am thinking of the kittens when I masturbate." *shudder*

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 19:26:59 -0800

Oh, and does anyone think there's any relationship with this story?

By: rxrfrx

rxrfrx — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 19:34:22 -0800

^<---------------- baaaaahahah

By: jokeefe

jokeefe — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 20:09:13 -0800

It's a prostatic stagnation hypothesis," says Giles. "The more you flush the ducts out, the less [carcinogens, etc.] there are to hang around and damage the cells that line them." His findings suggest an intriguing parallel between prostate cancer and breast cancer, as recent studies indicate that lactating reduces a woman's risk of breast cancer, perhaps because this also flushes out carcinogens. Great. You guys get all the fun. *sulks*

By: troutfishing

troutfishing — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 20:34:44 -0800

Downer time............ OK - so, humans dump all this toxic shit into the environment, and some of it concentrates in men's gonads. So men get testicular cancer unless they masturbate a lot and flush it out. The same "cleansing effect" seems to hold true for women, except that, in that case, the very same toxic shit gets flushed out of women's lactating breasts into nursing human babies. [ back to yuck yuck channel ]

By: insomnia_lj

insomnia_lj — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 20:42:31 -0800

Funny thing is, I seem to remember an interview with Timothy Leary before he died bemoaning the fact that he should have masturbated more often. I wish I could find the source, though... Timothy was right, I guess!

By: yhbc

yhbc — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 20:53:29 -0800

troutfishing, I actually did think the same thing (just before I forced myself to beat all the other yuck-yucks to posting the story) - whoa: so men (maybe) can prevent their particular cancer by whacking off, but women (maybe) can only prevent their particular (and yes, I know men get breast cancer too) cancer by actually having the baby and doing the nursing. Yes, it's unfair, but it didn't stop me from posting the story.

By: namespan

namespan — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 20:56:28 -0800

OK - so, humans dump all this toxic shit into the environment, and some of it concentrates in men's gonads. So men get testicular cancer unless they masturbate a lot and flush it out. And everybody's OK with this? I understand it's going to fit right in to the plan for many guys, but frankly, I don't want to have to play hot potato with my reproductive fluids.

By: spazzm

spazzm — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 21:05:37 -0800

How is this a surprise to anyone? "Wow, it turns out that something humans enjoy doing is actually a form of self-preservation!" "Gee, ya think?"

By: spazzm

spazzm — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 21:07:56 -0800

I mean, what's the next thing they'll come up with? Laughter is good for you?

By: troutfishing

troutfishing — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 21:41:49 -0800

"Yes, it's unfair, but it didn't stop me from posting the story." - yhbc - and it shouldn't have stopped you. Kurt Vonnegut once wrote a mean, brilliant short story about fairness, and "handicapping" and, besides, the truth is, as ever, beautifully sour. [ And, some, writers have a thing for commas, too. ]

By: Ufez Jones

Ufez Jones — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 22:39:30 -0800

One more for the road: So every MetaTalk circle-jerk is just group therapy?

By: jokeefe

jokeefe — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 23:42:17 -0800

Starting masturbation too young will cause the neuro-endocrine dysfunction. Your brain/pituitary-adrenal-testicular function cannot support a testosterone burst for holding up an erection due to a low level of bioelectric potential in your brain/parasympathetic nervous system. Uh oh... the bad news, via the charmingly named wet spot's link...

By: jokeefe

jokeefe — Wed, 16 Jul 2003 23:49:07 -0800

What are the dangers of masturbating too much? Dr Lin's Response: You have trained your prostate ejaculation nerve to come quickly. This kind of masturbation training is the same as the martial art that trains the hands to intuitively react once the visual nerve is stimulated by other people's hands. This site is a comic's delight, I'm telling ya.

By: nath

nath — Thu, 17 Jul 2003 01:15:32 -0800

re jokeefe's links: I was reading this week's Savage Love and Dan Savage suggests a different reason why these problems happen. (Not that I think herbolove.com is to be taken particularly seriously, after seeing Wet Spot's link and jokeefe's, but still.) Besides, what exactly is masturbating "too young"? I mean, if you can get an erection and you can have an orgasm, you're not too young, right?

By: bwg

bwg — Thu, 17 Jul 2003 04:41:47 -0800

MetaFilter: No, you don't need to finger my bunghole.

By: TedW

TedW — Thu, 17 Jul 2003 06:45:47 -0800

I believe troutfishing is referring to Harrison Bergeron.

By: Ynoxas

Ynoxas — Thu, 17 Jul 2003 08:19:03 -0800

I am proud to have been a leading advocate of this health care measure since 1982.

By: goethean

goethean — Thu, 17 Jul 2003 08:54:54 -0800

...an interview with Timothy Leary before he died bemoaning the fact that he should have masturbated more often. That is one regret that I'm quite sure that I will not have.

By: soyjoy

soyjoy — Thu, 17 Jul 2003 13:18:09 -0800

mrgrimm said it first (practically), but it's obvious that Joycelyn Elders deserves a major apology. And mr_crash_davis, that link made me laugh more than anything I've seen all day (even the Metallica hoax).

By: zeoslap

zeoslap — Sat, 19 Jul 2003 20:11:37 -0800

Doh! Just saw my deleted post, tis true I did nay search. In my defence I did a quick scan down the front page but it had already dropped off. New born baby has cut in on valuable MeFi time thus reducing my previously deep deep knowledge of each and every post. Sigh.