Comments on: Fun with Puns

Fun with Puns

kcmoryan — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 11:15:17 -0800

Tom Swifties! "I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon. Oh, the pun-ishment.

By: pizzasub

pizzasub — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 11:31:44 -0800

"That's an ugly hippopotamus!" said Tom hypocritically. Hee hee hee. Hippos are always funny.

By: mattpfeff

mattpfeff — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 11:48:16 -0800

Unfortunately, this list seems to value quantity over quality -- I'm sure there are some good ones in there, but I didn't have sufficient patience to find them. Also, "I will not serve the queen," Tom said arrogantly.

By: gluechunk

gluechunk — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 12:15:03 -0800

Am I the only one here that once wanted to write a Tom Swifty good enough to be published in Boy's Life? I usually couldn't do anything better than "And two plus two is four!" Tom added.

By: MrBaliHai

MrBaliHai — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 12:50:34 -0800

Hah! I'd forgotten all about Tom Swifties. Thanks for posting this. It's fun to mess with the book titles too: "Tom Swift and His Thermo-Prostate Dynamatron!"

By: joaquim

joaquim — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 14:13:21 -0800

"I spent the night with the girl's baseball team!" Tom said asininely.

By: snarkywench

snarkywench — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 14:20:53 -0800

"I have no underwear," Tom said expansively. "My extreme emotional instability arises from a psychoneurosis," hissed Eric. "Do you call this a musical?" asked Les miserably. I adore Tom Swifties. I used to write a text game using horrid puns for a chat service, and these were always the worst. Loved, I was. Tee hee.

By: alms

alms — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 14:40:35 -0800

"I'm experimenting with homosexuality," said Tom half in earnest.

By: staggernation

staggernation — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 15:07:02 -0800

"I'm experimenting with necrophilia," said Tom in dead earnest. "There's a lot of MDMA at this festive gathering," said Tom, speaking ex parte.

By: staggernation

staggernation — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 15:18:55 -0800

"I'm going to Hefner's circumcision," said Tom hubristically.

By: Skot

Skot — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 15:29:44 -0800

"Those Europeans have a crappy particle accelerator," said Tom discerningly. We're all going to regret this soon.

By: eriko

eriko — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 15:32:28 -0800

"I'm flat broke," Tom said innocently.

By: mattpfeff

mattpfeff — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 15:59:31 -0800

"My foot fell asleep," Tom said haltingly.

By: CountZero

CountZero — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 17:04:09 -0800

A couple of mine: "There's no room for your cargo!" bellowed Tom frightfully. "I want to gamble too, but I'm flat broke," murmured Tom in envy.

By: interrobang

interrobang — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 18:53:58 -0800

"Gee, baby, I'm sorry I didn't last very long," Tom ejaculated.

By: Oriole Adams

Oriole Adams — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 19:40:11 -0800

"Sure, I'd love to dance with Fred Astaire," Tom said gingerly.

By: Oriole Adams

Oriole Adams — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 19:41:16 -0800

"...and I still say my dog's in season," argued Tom heatedly.

By: yhbc

yhbc — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 19:55:58 -0800

"Numbers? not to or for, no. Three, five and nine you, see; these (n)umbers are the ones. oh, seven, too \iii/," quipped thom oddly.

By: Opus Dark

Opus Dark — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:04:16 -0800

"This thread is silly," needled Tom.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:32:08 -0800

"I try to avoid the Tom Hanks movie where he plays the dumb guy," Tom said with gumption.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:32:29 -0800

"I hope I win this eBay auction for the team of cheerleaders," Tom said rabidly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:33:12 -0800

"It's like I'm stuck in a giant video game, and I have to buy my way out" Tom said patronizingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:33:46 -0800

"I suck," Tom said vacuously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:34:19 -0800

"I'm dressed up as a bear" Tom inferred.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:35:34 -0800

"I'm a mutant. You shouldn't touch me," said Tom, roguishly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:35:51 -0800

"I'm an exorcist," said Tom dispiritedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:36:09 -0800

"I've had it up to here with these red parasites!" Tom cried, rusticly.

By: yhbc

yhbc — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:36:37 -0800

"I don't get these," Tom said humorlessly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:36:51 -0800

"This kid is just plain dumb!" cried Tom asymptotically

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:37:18 -0800

"I'm going to the farmer's market to see if they have any cod," Tom said, standoffishly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:37:53 -0800

"Ms. Blanchett is once again totally immune to anthrax!" Tom reciprocated.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:38:25 -0800

"Worship my scrotum," said Tom sacriligiously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:38:45 -0800

"Look at this view!" Tom said atavistically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:39:18 -0800

"You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me," Tom said humanely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:39:49 -0800

"She returned from her trip to Jupiter's moons with something extra," Tom said periodically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:40:44 -0800

"I've just mailed Paul Weller a letter" Tom said postmodernly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:41:16 -0800

"That's where I used to burn bodies" Tom said and, with that, expired.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:42:20 -0800

"My leg fell asleep and now it feels funny," Tom said haltingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:42:53 -0800

"They call me the Ripper," said Jack horrendously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:43:14 -0800

"Let me check and see who I have to kill next" Tom said fatalistically.

By: yhbc

yhbc — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:43:31 -0800

"I just hope Matt leaves my thomcatspike joke," yhbc said cuttingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:43:42 -0800

"I stuck my tongue in the blades once, just to see what it would be like" said Tom fantastically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:44:13 -0800

"I only vote for candidates who are good friends with prostitutes," Tom said electrically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:44:33 -0800

"Gay people are born that way," Tom said homogenously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:44:56 -0800

"I won't be able to make up my mind whether to play golf or go see Hamlet" Tom foreordained.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:45:29 -0800

"That'll finally get rid of that figure skater," Tom said unwittingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:45:54 -0800

"My congressman can hang from a tree branch by his tail," said Tom reprehensibly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:46:21 -0800

"I slipped and drank a beer thirty-nine days in, so I'm starting all over again," Tom relented.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:46:39 -0800

"Our voices all sound the same," said Tom equivocally.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:46:59 -0800

"You're enthusiastic," Tom intuited.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:47:15 -0800

"My dad dresses like a girl" Tom said transparently.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:47:40 -0800

"This soil is still too acidic," Tom repeated.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:48:01 -0800

"I can't believe I'm dancing with Calista Flockhart!" exclaimed Tom frugally.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:48:57 -0800

"That tuna just saved our planet," said Tom superficially.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:49:25 -0800

"The Skipper died," Tom exhaled.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:49:47 -0800

"What do you think of the that cartoonist Rall? He makes me sick", said Tom disgustedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:50:36 -0800

"Matilda sure likes BassMaster.com," Tom said efficiently.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:50:59 -0800

"This iPaq has a terrible operating system," Tom winced.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:51:23 -0800

"You idiot, I'm damn sure we've got fewer than a dozen teeth altogether!" Tom said tendentiously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:51:53 -0800

"Why did I ever want a dozen children?" Tom brooded.

By: yhbc

yhbc — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:52:03 -0800

"Okay, the tuna one was funny, but still ..." yhbc said neu-ingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:52:50 -0800

"Believe it, baby -- I'm so good in bed that women pay me," Tom proclaimed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:53:23 -0800

"I thought about buying a house, but decided it was too risky for me," Tom said preferentially.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:53:42 -0800

"I stuffed the Velvet Underground drummer into a vase," said Tom mournfully.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:54:59 -0800

"I love late 70s glam rock," said Tom adamantly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:55:42 -0800

"This line spacing is the bomb," said Tom emphatically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:56:31 -0800

"My former girlfriend from Warsaw is going to fall into a pit," Tom extrapolated.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:56:55 -0800

"I have such small feet," Tom weeped.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:57:25 -0800

"My last girlfriend is doing sound effects work now" Tom exfoliated.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:58:05 -0800

"I'm wearing my new wedding ring!" said Tom with abandon.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:58:29 -0800

"But what was the cause of death?" asked Tom, wide-eyed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:58:50 -0800

"I got this ball-point pen from a Yugoslav friend," said Tom acerbically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 20:59:48 -0800

"I've never heard of analingus," said Tom, tongue in cheek.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:00:17 -0800

"I love the fresh smell of this floor cleanser," Tom opined.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:01:09 -0800

"I'm glad that I can make a living writing shell scripts," said Tom properly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:01:46 -0800

"There we were, almost out of the big house, when -- BOOM -- our bodies merged!" explained Tom confusedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:03:39 -0800

"It saddens me that welfare only reaches a few. Everyone should be on welfare," said Tom dolefully.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:04:35 -0800

"I have frosted the treepeople," said Tom enticingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:05:15 -0800

"This educational grant keeps me sane," said Tom pellucidly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:05:53 -0800

"I wish to court your living room," said Tom woodenly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:06:43 -0800

"I heard the Russian ruler was a switch-hitter," Tom claimed bizarrely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:07:17 -0800

"When I was done with them, Vaughn, McMahon and Lombardi weren't worth a penny," Tom said convincingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:07:39 -0800

"I will not buy anything ahead of time," said Tom unprepossessingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:08:14 -0800

"I wish I hadn't sold my NES," Tom said disconsolately.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:08:34 -0800

"I am against microscopic hairs," conciliated Tom.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:09:13 -0800

"We could pass the secret messages inside the agents' food containers!" cried Tom inspirationally.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:09:44 -0800

"All we hear is radio ga-ga," Tom said mercurially.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:10:51 -0800

"What a stupid set of rankings," Tom adumbrated.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:11:28 -0800

"Professor, your new weather machines ensures that no one will ever fly a kite again," said Tom disgustedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:12:04 -0800

"I am packed amongst fish delicacies!" cried Tom insouciantly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:12:33 -0800

"I think, therefore I am," the camping gear said existentially.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:13:31 -0800

"Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits," said Tom, befuddled.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:14:14 -0800

"I keep track of all my conquests," Tom boasted ballistically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:14:57 -0800

"Apparently, donkeys talk about Eastern philosophy all the time," said Tom brazenly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:15:25 -0800

"27.34 grains!" exclaimed Tom dramatically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:15:54 -0800

"I'm not sure I can get over my shoe fetish," Tom balked.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:16:30 -0800

"I'll never be one of the cool kids," said Tom hypnotically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:17:41 -0800

"I heard that guy with The Police has a bad back," Tom said trustingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:18:27 -0800

"Can I borrow your apartment?" Tom asked flatulently.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:18:59 -0800

"Women's suffrage was a mistake," said Tom devotedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:20:04 -0800

"Keep that infernal racket down! I'm trying a new dipilatory cream in here," Tom shouted ordinarily.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:24:53 -0800

"I don't want to install Windows, Linux, and OS/2 Warp!" Tom said morosely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:25:28 -0800

"Bring me the pope and Galadriel!" Tom pontificated.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:26:34 -0800

"This weighs precisely 480 grains," Tom announced.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:27:04 -0800

"I follow function," Tom said formally.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:27:43 -0800

"I need a breath mint," Tom asserted.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:28:18 -0800

"Reading this sci-fi magazine cures my erectile dysfunction," said Tom omnipotently.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:29:07 -0800

"F=MA," Tom said forcefully.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:29:32 -0800

"Yes doctor, it's a nice day, but I prefer to have my fillings done in the office," Tom said incidentally.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:30:24 -0800

"Have some pretzels," barfed Tom.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:31:36 -0800

"I was dating a gynecologist, and I think she gave me mono!" said Tom obstreperously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:35:03 -0800

"Improv comedy creeps me out," Tom said skittishly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:36:04 -0800

"I hate flying through Chicago," Tom said inordinately.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:36:32 -0800

"And so there I was, surrounded by a quartet of grizzlies!" said Tom, with forbearance.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:37:26 -0800

"I weally wuv the bones in my foweawm," said Tom wistfully.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:38:03 -0800

"This colander was owned by Hitler's girlfriend," said Tom evasively.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:39:11 -0800

"The giant insects were shocking at first, but we've learned to live with Them," said Tom tolerantly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:39:54 -0800

"My two favorite 1998 movie trailers featuring an actress playing Queen Elizabeth I are those of Elizabeth and Shakespeare in Love," Tom adjudicated.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:40:33 -0800

"I swear upon my mother's grave - I will kill Scott Stapp!" Tom decreed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:41:04 -0800

"I really love gefillte fish, noodle kugel and kreplach," said Tom judiciously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:41:47 -0800

"I am here with my friend Hamlet," said Tom with disdain.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:42:10 -0800

"I am familiar with all demonic history," Tom said imploringly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:43:55 -0800

"I wish to hear nothing of your so-called 'Comedy Jam'," said Tom, turning a deaf ear.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:44:16 -0800

"I swear to you, I saw cattle on the runway at Bergstrom Airport," said Tom austerely.

By: daveadams

daveadams — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:45:16 -0800

"I dropped my toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:45:22 -0800

"I was once run down by a frog riding side-saddle on my old TV show," croaked Lee hoarsely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:46:09 -0800

"I think we need to run the funeral scene again," Tom rehearsed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:48:45 -0800

"I still haven't gotten my K-1's from that idiot fiduciary," Tom said mistrustfully.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:49:58 -0800

"Could you get me a trephine at the store?" asked Tom, boringly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:50:23 -0800

"I resent your insinuation that I am a Communist spy!" Tom hissed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:51:01 -0800

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness!" Tom howled.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:52:32 -0800

"I have a mitral valve prolapse," said Tom brokenheartedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:53:00 -0800

"I can't believe what a bitch you are, Mom," Tom sobbed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:53:49 -0800

"Acting is great, but I want to move on to other things," Tom said directly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:54:28 -0800

"Darling, there is nothing so fabulous as a little finely chopped onion in your quiche," Tom minced.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:55:09 -0800

"I jutht hate thethe thilly loopth," Tom lisped.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:55:59 -0800

"Is there a sale on spray paint, man?" Tom huffed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:56:29 -0800

"I'm going to measure how far that insect can walk," Tom said pedantically.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:56:52 -0800

"We are going to turn this ship left twice in a row!" Tom reported.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 21:59:54 -0800

"I've invented a fabulous new device for attatching doors to frames, but nobody will look at it!" Tom whinged.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:00:45 -0800

"Horses don't fuck donkeys," said Tom mulishly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:01:36 -0800

"I'm going to take your pilaf away if you kids don't behave better," said Tom derisively.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:06:12 -0800

"I don't know why exactly, but you are just not a good neighbor," said Tom defensively.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:06:40 -0800

"We heartily approve of this laundry detergent!" the crowd all temperately cheered.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:07:19 -0800

"I guess I'd better dig up that body," said Tom disinterestedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:08:10 -0800

"I guess I lose this round. But hey, you know what they say," replied Tom winsomely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:08:50 -0800

"If only someone would come along and, I don't know, something and dhine me," whined Tom.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:09:28 -0800

"What fools these mortals be," said Tom puckishly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:10:08 -0800

"I wouldn't drink that wine if I were you; you never know what they might have put in it," Tom said, vindictively.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:11:11 -0800

"Would you like to see my Marv Albert impression?" Tom asked backbitingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:11:33 -0800

"Better close up the windows; it looks like there's a storm coming," said Tom, shuddering.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:12:01 -0800

"You forgot to add some of the numbers," Tom said presumptuously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:12:27 -0800

"Looks like Gary's not going to get another term in office," the voters said reconditely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:13:28 -0800

"I'll never thank you for that croissant!" said Tom mercilessly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:14:37 -0800

"I think I'm going to be in pain very soon," Tom preached.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:15:06 -0800

"My body is falling apart," said Tom incoherently. "Won't someone put me back together?" he called out gloomily.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:16:38 -0800

"Wow, there's a second thing I have to cast out of mine own eye," said Tom remotely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:17:46 -0800

"Rachael is not my favorite Blade Runner character -- not by a long shot," said Tom prissily.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:18:11 -0800

"Why, that's a portable house!" Tom said attentively.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:18:36 -0800

"I just shoved a digital watch up my nose," Tom sniffled.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:19:06 -0800

"I have had a successful solo career," said Paul Simon artlessly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:19:54 -0800

"I believe Mr. Ripken is infested with mites," said Tom callously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:20:20 -0800

"Hi, I'm Justin Timberlake," Tom said n*sincerely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:21:15 -0800

"Dustin Diamond is the greatest actor ever!" Tom screeched.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:22:55 -0800

"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow! Baby, shake it!" Tom leered.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:23:24 -0800

"I really enjoy this one section of Highlights for Children," Tom said gallantly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:25:19 -0800

"Madeline, I was also in that movie!" said Tim Curry inclusively.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:26:05 -0800

"I regret my adolescence," said Tom routinely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:26:36 -0800

"Did you hear that dhartung got a sex change?" asked Tom redundantly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:27:33 -0800

"I do believe there's a supporting argument under that old rock," Tom said profoundly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:27:56 -0800

"What do you mean I can't use this metal spatula on the Teflon?" Tom panicked.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:28:44 -0800

"Well, I never went blind," said Tom handily.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:29:36 -0800

"What do you call a fat monarch?" asked Tom unthinkingly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:30:14 -0800

"Who put the Exxon Valdez in this Ball jar?" asked Tom cantankerously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:30:37 -0800

"The executioner aimed way too low," Tom said defeatedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:31:30 -0800

"Why, it's the baby Moses!" exclaimed Tom reedily.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:32:16 -0800

"Will you still love me when I take over the government?" Tom cooed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:32:43 -0800

"So, I'm trying to defeat three no-trump?" Tom whistled.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:33:20 -0800

"I'm here to pay off my phone bill!" Tom bellowed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:34:07 -0800

"I wonder which road I should take...?" thought Tom frostily.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:35:45 -0800

"This is what happens after the Arab women stop singing," Tom postulated.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:37:17 -0800

"I haven't answered questions in a fan chat-room since I was on Night Court," Markie posted.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:38:06 -0800

"I have written a condensed edition of The Raven," said Tom politely.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:38:48 -0800

"I will only say 'Fee' and 'Fo'," said the giant defiantly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:39:13 -0800

"I like to play frisbee," Tom discussed.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:40:52 -0800

"You tock!" Tom said meticulously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:42:36 -0800

"Thank God we converted to metric," Tom expounded.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:43:15 -0800

"Why, yes, I directed A Nightmare on Elm Street," said Wes cravenly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:43:41 -0800

"Why do you need two signatures?" asked Tom resignedly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:44:07 -0800

"Dorothy's aunt was from Warsaw," said Tom polemically.

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:44:27 -0800

"bradlands seems to like this thread," mr_crash_davis said without using any adverbs.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:44:49 -0800

"I have exactly six beers," said Tom brutally.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:45:24 -0800

"I wish you would stop sleeping with members of both sexes," Tom said ubiquitously.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:46:06 -0800

"I like the cut of your . . . whatever that is," Tom gibbered.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:46:43 -0800

"Missed it by that much," Tom said smartly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:47:18 -0800

"You got some 'splainin' to do," Tom said lucidly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:51:12 -0800

"Someone has exsanguinated me!" cried Tom huskily.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:52:22 -0800

"We can solve all our problems by eating the Irish babies," Tom said swiftly.

By: bradlands

bradlands — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:53:29 -0800

"There is no cabal," Tom said, bereft.

By: thirteen

thirteen — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 22:58:12 -0800

"Where did Brad go?" Tom asked fruitlessly.

By: wendell

wendell — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 23:57:01 -0800

"Matt made me take a Meta-TimeOut", Brad said outlandishly.

By: wendell

wendell — Wed, 06 Aug 2003 23:59:32 -0800

"They're going to do a MetaTalk thread complaing about this one, too," said Ana grammatically.

By: wendell

wendell — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 01:21:49 -0800

"I always support MeFites with very small user numbers", Wendell metastasized.

By: taz

taz — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 02:53:00 -0800

"Wendell nailed it", said Tom pointedly.

By: wendell

wendell — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 03:44:21 -0800

"I am such a devil," said taz maniacally. Your namesake is my favorite Looney Tunes toon... even his saturday-morning re-incarnation: any 'kids' cartoon that based characters on Bing Crosby (as "Dad"!) and Woody Allen (a character named Wendel), not to mention the real John Astin, had some real sub-surface subversiveness to it...

By: sgt.serenity

sgt.serenity — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 04:00:59 -0800

"has my example meant nothing ?" sgt.serenity wailed.

By: taz

taz — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 04:15:16 -0800

"Sarge, your pun is undone" said Tom openly, "what you should really say is, 'has my example meant nothing,' asked sgt. serenity blankly."

By: wendell

wendell — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 04:28:21 -0800

"sgt.serenity annoys me", Tom rankled.

By: wendell

wendell — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 04:52:10 -0800

"I do want to keep my job," Grey Davis recalled. "I want his job", Arnold totally recalled. "Vote for me 'cause I'm diff'rent", Gary Coleman stroked. "Don't forget me," Arianna huffed. "Buy my thongs" Georgy panted. "You know what I'll do," Brian Flemming said resignedly. "Politics needs more nudity " Larry Flynt barely spoke. okay, I've done enough damage...

By: grumblebee

grumblebee — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 05:08:28 -0800

"I keep buying coffins on Ebay," Tom said morbidly.

By: grumblebee

grumblebee — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 06:39:32 -0800

"We've only mastered half the game," said the Table Tennis coach weepingly.

By: grumblebee

grumblebee — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 06:40:51 -0800

I'll never give you back your nose!" Tom told the elephant trunculently.

By: vraxoin

vraxoin — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 07:35:12 -0800

"You should never have left Northern Exposure," Tom will say tomorrow.

By: quonsar

quonsar — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 08:19:57 -0800

"either you love this thread or hate this thread", tom said choicely.

By: Civil_Disobedient

Civil_Disobedient — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 10:05:03 -0800

"Muslims hate this thread," Elle said.

By: taz

taz — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 11:18:47 -0800

"Civil_D gets a gold star", said Tom Siriusly.

By: Snyder

Snyder — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 23:16:32 -0800

"I think Rush is the greatest band ever!" said Tom lovingly.

By: wendell

wendell — Thu, 07 Aug 2003 23:56:28 -0800

"I think Rush is the greatest band ever!" said Tom giddily.

By: Civil_Disobedient

Civil_Disobedient — Fri, 08 Aug 2003 01:06:16 -0800

"I think Rush is the greatest band ever!" Tom said slowly.

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 08 Aug 2003 01:30:08 -0800

Some basics: "I'm awed by evergreens," Tom opined. "I am California," Tom stated. "I love doze French stuffed pastries," Tom decared. "This yard needs another layer of moss," Tom repeated. "Do you think I'm gay?" Tom queried."' "Can you meet me in the chorale?" Tom inquired. "Senator Kennedy always puts me to sleep," Tom snorted. "We don't put that promise in our advertising anymore," Tom exclaimed. "I love to Vogue," Tom proposed. "Blackened food is immoral" said Tom sincerely.

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 08 Aug 2003 01:32:44 -0800

"Rush is a band, too?" Tom dittoed.

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 08 Aug 2003 05:41:32 -0800

"I love the TV show where they re-design rooms," Tom said decorously. "I love the TV show where they voted away the comics'," Tom said standoffishly. "I love the TV show with the remorseful vampire," Tom said bloodlessly. "I love the TV show with the gay guy and the straight gal," Tom said willfully and gracefully. "I love the TV show about the secrets of teeth," Tom said incidentally. "I love the TV show about the famous chef's new business," said Tom in a rococo style... Ladies and gentlemen: Tom SwifTV's...

By: aws17576

aws17576 — Fri, 08 Aug 2003 10:41:57 -0800

"The customer is always right," Tom said peremptorily.

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 08 Aug 2003 18:46:33 -0800

"I'm adding Wendell's Swifties to my collection," said Brad copiously. "I already downloaded Brad's Swifties to my database," Wendell squealed. "Well, maybe not all of Wendell's Swifties; some of them really suck," Brad orated.

By: aws17576

aws17576 — Sat, 09 Aug 2003 05:03:42 -0800

Well, it's a little late. But just because I can: "Didi's Evita now? I -- damned I am! Eh? The maiden mad I won at Ives? (I did!)" Tom said palindromically. Oh, and: "Dentists, shmentists. My cavities will heal themselves," Tom said recalcitrantly. "This cave system is really something," Tom said sublimely.

By: none

none — Sat, 09 Aug 2003 07:05:26 -0800

*cough* none said cacophonously

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 17:34:37 -0800

"Throwing up is funny," Tom gagged.

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 17:36:40 -0800

"Putting my head in a clamp makes me change my mind", Tom revised.

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 17:39:19 -0800

"The way cartoonists censor their profanity is so @#$%&!" Tom swore comically.

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 17:41:14 -0800

"Are you now or have you ever been a melted cheese sandwich?" Tom was grilled.

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 17:47:06 -0800

Ladies and Gentlemen, Schoolhouse Rockies... "Conjunction Junction, what's your function?" Rocky added. "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your adverbs here!" Rocky verbalized. "I'm just a Bill," said Rocky in legalese. "Three is a magic number," Rocky tripped.

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 18:42:37 -0800

"Yes, I'm a hacker," Tom coughed.

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 21:28:36 -0800

"Wish I could sing like that legendary country singer named Williams", Tom hankered.

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 22:37:45 -0800

And now, the Hitchhiker's Swifties to the Galaxy... "I translate for Arthur", the babelfish said incidentally. "Musty harmless", said Ford imperfectly. "Never seen a need to panic", said the book, without a hitch. "Don't bug the author", said Douglas adamantly.

By: wendell

wendell — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 23:08:09 -0800

"Your abs are like Kansas," Tom flattered.

By: wendell

wendell — Mon, 11 Aug 2003 04:23:35 -0800

"Submitted for your approval", Rod Serling said underhandedly.

By: none

none — Mon, 11 Aug 2003 12:42:13 -0800

"Shit shit shit", Tom cackled.

By: none

none — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 11:43:38 -0800

"Can you see me?", asked Tom insightfully.

By: wendell

wendell — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 12:04:37 -0800

"Can you hear me now?" Tom said, giving the hard sell.

By: wendell

wendell — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 12:09:56 -0800

"Where's the beef?" Tom steered the conversation. "Coke is the real thing!", Tom collated. "Yeah, real fair and balanced," said Tom foxily.

By: none

none — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 13:04:14 -0800

"Arghh! vampires", Tom cried cryptically. "I'm afraid of blubber", Tom wailed. "Where is my f'ing saucepan", Tom panicked.

By: wendell

wendell — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 13:33:28 -0800

"I bought this cleaner I saw on TV!", Tom sid oxymoronicly.

By: none

none — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 13:35:01 -0800

"Death to windmills", Don said quixotically. "Just dump it anywhere", Tom said literally.

By: none

none — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 13:42:37 -0800

"This fertilizer is awful", Tom said forlorn.

By: none

none — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 13:53:13 -0800

"I know this is illegal but my wife loves blubber", Tom wailed. "There appear to be some apples missing Adam", God insinuated. "Its dark in here", Tom said delighted.

By: none

none — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 15:45:07 -0800

"I didn't eat your gold leaf", Tom said guiltily.

By: wendell

wendell — Tue, 12 Aug 2003 19:09:56 -0800

"None of the above," Tom pointed out. "I can't get none", Mick said satisfactorily. "Alone together", Tom said to none.

By: norm

norm — Wed, 13 Aug 2003 14:30:23 -0800

"This thread is dead," Tom said gravely.

By: kliuless

kliuless — Wed, 13 Aug 2003 19:54:45 -0800

"You're all going to hell for this!" Tom said punishingly :D

By: norm

norm — Thu, 14 Aug 2003 06:59:10 -0800

"I was SURE this thread was dead!" Tom cried, mortified.

By: wendell

wendell — Thu, 21 Aug 2003 03:27:23 -0800

"This thread will live on as long as this semi-defective pump continues to operate in my chest," Wendell said, wholeheartedly (but not really).

By: soyjoy

soyjoy — Thu, 21 Aug 2003 19:15:50 -0800

These are all so good (except for the ones that are really lame, of course), and yhbc's thom joke was especially rich. But this reminded me, while we're on the subject of Tom Swifties, that Robert Anton Wilson, in one of the Schrodinger's Cat books (the second?) suddenly lapsed into Tom Swifties as the narrative form for half a chapter, while the story continued "normally." I only recall this because the section ended with the rest of the group leaving and one guy's line "'Wait, I'm coming too," he ejaculated."

By: amandaudoff

amandaudoff — Sat, 30 Aug 2003 07:36:03 -0800

"Watch out for that candle!" Tom quickly shouted.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Mon, 01 Sep 2003 15:54:13 -0800

"Do you smell fish?" asked Tom cunningly.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Mon, 01 Sep 2003 15:56:28 -0800

"I've just turned eight!" giggled Tom childishly.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Tue, 02 Sep 2003 12:09:07 -0800

"I'm gay!" Tom shouted.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Wed, 03 Sep 2003 21:26:19 -0800

"my car is really old" said Tom slowly

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Wed, 03 Sep 2003 21:29:29 -0800

"i dont think this will provide much shelter" ventured Tom hesitantly.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Wed, 03 Sep 2003 21:32:46 -0800

"Board games make me horny" whispered Tom risquely.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Wed, 03 Sep 2003 21:39:21 -0800

"There are many reasons for visiting a brothel" Tom broadly declared.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Wed, 03 Sep 2003 21:43:50 -0800

"I seem to have sex on the brain" deduced Tom instinctively.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Wed, 03 Sep 2003 21:48:57 -0800

"Don't worry Tom we all have" cackled Tom schizophrenically

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Wed, 03 Sep 2003 21:54:00 -0800

"Obscure references from Tintin and Gollum won't be understood" reasoned Tom precisley.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Wed, 03 Sep 2003 22:02:00 -0800

"That was as funny as a one legged dog" muttered Tom lamely.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 05:43:24 -0800

"what would happen if I dug a hole and filled it with water....?" Tom pondered.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 05:47:07 -0800

"That Chelsea defender is a load of rubbish" Tom decided.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 05:51:50 -0800

"dash dash dash dot dot dot dash dash dash" said Tom with remorse.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 05:55:32 -0800

"My bicycle has a flat" said Tom tiredly.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 10:25:57 -0800

"Well make the top ten most commented threads yet" said Tom constructively.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 10:27:25 -0800

"Still 49 posts to go" Tom added.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 10:49:07 -0800

"We'll need to post 24.5 posts per day" Tom pointed out.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 10:53:02 -0800

"That might be tough to do" said Tom mistakenly.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 14:29:10 -0800

"I 0wnz0r3d Sarge with my BFG" said Tom gibberishly.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 14:34:10 -0800

"I've decided to become a vegetarian" Tom revealed.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Thu, 04 Sep 2003 14:41:29 -0800

"I'mth writhing an AI pwogram" Tom lisped.

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 05 Sep 2003 00:21:30 -0800

"Where did carfilhiot go?" asked Tom metaphorically. or something.

By: wendell

wendell — Fri, 05 Sep 2003 00:24:30 -0800

"I want to run into the guy who played Captain Kirk", said Tom shatteringly.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Fri, 05 Sep 2003 06:22:22 -0800

"carfilhiot has returned" Jack advanced.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Fri, 05 Sep 2003 06:24:35 -0800

"But I'm afraid of heights" Tom complained.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Fri, 05 Sep 2003 06:26:02 -0800

"Your butt is nice" Tom confirmed.

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Fri, 05 Sep 2003 06:29:19 -0800

"I like to have a few beers before the show" said Tom melodramatically

By: carfilhiot

carfilhiot — Fri, 05 Sep 2003 06:34:38 -0800

"Wendell, wherefore art thou?" Tom literally asked.