It ain't coming out.

August 14, 2003 9:55 AM

"I was thinking, 'The only way to make something that won't come off is to tie it on,' and then it just popped in my mind - go around the testicles." Ann Arbor man invents new condom, wife rejoices.
posted by sandor (47 comments total)

he wore his innovation for several days to see if it was comfortable

Several days in a row?
posted by vito90 at 9:58 AM on August 14, 2003

I'm wearing one right now! Oh and "I'm not just the inventor, I'm also a client!"
posted by shoepal at 10:08 AM on August 14, 2003

Someone hit me with the "Bones" McCoy joke that's not coming to me. "Damnit Martha, I'm not a gigolo."
posted by yerfatma at 10:08 AM on August 14, 2003

vito90- exactly what I was wondering. I hope they mean "several daily sessions of love-making in succession" because otherwise, it seems like he's trying to patent some sort of 24/7 penile covering. You know, for all those times hot women jump you when you're least expecting it.
posted by nelleish at 10:09 AM on August 14, 2003

Then he wore his innovation for several days to see if it was comfortable. "There was no pinching, no soreness," he said. "After a while I forgot I had it on."

Kind of like attaching clothespins to your nipples.... not that I've ever - okay, never mind.
This sounds great, but even though he states that there was no pinching.... I still think it would hurt.
I'm so glad I don't have to wear condoms anymore. I don't care what anyone claims - wearing a condom dramatically reduces the sensation involved - In my case, reducing it to the point where I would be unable to uumm.... finish up. In my opinion, this would be even worse.
posted by bradth27 at 10:10 AM on August 14, 2003

Ann Arbor man's dick falls off, wife rejoices
posted by shadow45 at 10:12 AM on August 14, 2003

condoms suck! these magnums aren't as bad... but still.
posted by shadow45 at 10:13 AM on August 14, 2003

"...every woman I've showed this to has said once this is out they'll never let a man touch them with the old kind"

You poor, poor bastards.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:15 AM on August 14, 2003

condoms suck! these magnums aren't as bad... but still.

I had a male friend once who claimed that he was going to just hang around the drug store and see who bought those Magnums. When I asked him why, he replied
"Because that's who my date is going to be with on Friday."
posted by bradth27 at 10:16 AM on August 14, 2003

The guy has impregnated his wife 9 times while using condoms? What on earth is he doing to induce that kind of failure rate? I haven't ever had a condom fail on me, or heard of more than one or two times ever among friends. The guy sounds like he's into the rough stuff or something.
posted by mathowie at 10:20 AM on August 14, 2003

nelleish - "several daily sessions of love- making in succession"

That's even worse, though. Wouldn't the thing eventually, uhh, fill up? Imagine the squishing sound when he walks!
posted by vito90 at 10:26 AM on August 14, 2003

Who knows? Maybe he wore those condoms several days in a row, too.
posted by WolfDaddy at 10:26 AM on August 14, 2003

ew ew ew ew ew. Guess I didn't think about that. Except for the line If you think about who really controls sex, it's women this guess teetered on the positive side of my personal Whacko Meter.
posted by nelleish at 10:30 AM on August 14, 2003

second "guess" = guy. sigh.
posted by nelleish at 10:31 AM on August 14, 2003

Maybe the McCoys only had one or two condoms break or slip off each year. I suspect with most people that might cause some worry for a few days. Some of us it wouldn't worry at all. However, she may just be very easily fertilized. If various medical reasons ruled out all other forms of birth control and they had no backup method other than abstinence, then the 9 pregnancies seems very plausible over the 15+ years of their relationship.
posted by onhazier at 10:31 AM on August 14, 2003

Mrs. Bueller: Nine times?
Ed Rooney: Nine times.
posted by Oddly at 10:35 AM on August 14, 2003

The guy has impregnated his wife 9 times while using condoms?

Maybe he was placing the traditional condoms over his testicles also. We men are loathe to read the directions.
posted by jonson at 10:38 AM on August 14, 2003

What on earth is he doing to induce that kind of failure rate?

Maybe he's part cat (search for the word "barbed").
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:40 AM on August 14, 2003

Nine times is a LOT of pregnancies. Assuming they were using the condoms correctly, they must be super fertile, both of them. I think if I were in that boat I'd pass on intercourse and go with the fun alternatives.
posted by orange swan at 10:52 AM on August 14, 2003

Now all I need is a dental dam that hooks behind the ears.
posted by basilwhite at 11:00 AM on August 14, 2003

Maybe the nine pregnancies weren't all the Real McCoy.
posted by SteveInMaine at 11:01 AM on August 14, 2003

Metafilter: several daily sessions of love-making.
posted by leapfrog at 11:07 AM on August 14, 2003

For you, basilwhite!
posted by Oddly at 11:10 AM on August 14, 2003

Makes sense to me, ever had one come off and get lost inside the woman? They don't like that.
posted by nyxxxx at 11:12 AM on August 14, 2003

How exactly does encasing the testicles in latex prevent insemination, exactly?

"He made a condom with lots of very stretchy latex and an elastic band at the end to keep it snug."
I know the newspaper would probably get sued for indecency if they ran a photo of this "supercondom," but the awkward descriptions in this article really make me wonder what this thing looks like.
posted by me3dia at 11:27 AM on August 14, 2003

I really hate the things, but I really don't get how anybody has a problem with them "coming off," unless the poor guy is, uh, phallically challenged. I'm not saying I'm overly endowed --- quite far from it --- but I've never had a problem with one falling off. Damned tight, they are.

Then again, I haven't had sex in 5 years. Maybe I have a memory problem.
posted by yesster at 11:28 AM on August 14, 2003

It's really easy to imagine. Take an existing condom, make the part just inside the rubber band much bigger around, and slip your entire package into it.

So the rubber band at the opening of the condom goes behind your balls, not in front of them.
posted by yesster at 11:31 AM on August 14, 2003

yesster, i'm not umm, phallically challenged, but i've had more than one partner who was strong/talented enough to grip hard enough to strip a condom right off of me.
these things sound like a good idea to me.
posted by dolface at 11:35 AM on August 14, 2003

dolface, you might want to think through what its going to do to you if you meet someone like that whilst having your nuts in a noose.
posted by biffa at 11:42 AM on August 14, 2003

Nine times? Yikes. Maybe it's time to come to terms and realize that those Magnums are too damn big, fella...
posted by bucko at 11:43 AM on August 14, 2003

So what we're talking about is essentially a condom with a built-in cock ring? I guess he's just wasn't willing to go to a sex shop...
posted by me3dia at 11:44 AM on August 14, 2003

"then it just popped in my mind - go around the testicles,"

An outtake from "Gulliver's Travels" or a damn cool t-shirt?

You be the judge.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:48 AM on August 14, 2003

These sound horrible.

One, I fear for the hair that generally abounds on these areas that are now to be covered. I know why the inventor wore the thing for so many successive days- he was afraid to remove it.

Two, regular condoms and their post-coital contents are messy and hard to remove. If you wait just a few seconds too long for removal and become too flacid, the contained fluid is going to move and your scrotum is going to take a bath in your salt babies. Not a huge deal, but a lot messier than regular condoms.
posted by Mayor Curley at 11:48 AM on August 14, 2003

Okay, apropos of nothing other than "not knowing how things work wrt sex", here's a little anecdote my psychology of sex teacher told me (he being a respected marriage/sex counselor).

Two (engineering?) graduate school students, smart people both (or so he said), came to him with problems getting pregnant. They had tried everything, went to doctors (who proclaimed them perfectly virile and able), talked to counselors, and were at their wits end. They had many sessions with my professor, and he asked every question he could think of regarding the physical, emotional and psychological problems one can run into while attempting to have a child. None of which seemed to be the problem. So, exasperated, he asked them one session: "What are you doing when you try to have kids?"

Well, you see.. neither of them had had any real sex education schooling, and for some reason were under the impression that one impregnates the other through the belly button. True story.

So, don't feel too bad about not being able to put on a condom correctly. Things could be infinitesimally worse for others.
posted by tittergrrl at 12:10 PM on August 14, 2003

Argh, I meant infinitely worse. :)

Damn these condomed fingers!
posted by tittergrrl at 12:12 PM on August 14, 2003

tittergrrl - that story sounds absolutely impossible to believe

some things are just too instinctual -- don't you remember "blue lagoon"? if brooke shields and, uh, whassisname, can figure it out without any peers around, I think anybody can

far, far too unbelievable
posted by yesster at 12:20 PM on August 14, 2003

Yesster, you just refuted a (theoretically) real life event by citing a movie.

You do know that movies are written by people, don't you? People who probably know how to have sex, and assume everyone else knows how too.

Belly-button sex is unlikely, but entirely believable. How it didn't come up when the couple was talking with their doctor I don't understand. You would think that in addition to virility tests the doc would make sure their style of copulation was feasible...
posted by me3dia at 12:37 PM on August 14, 2003

He could just leave these rubber bands on for "several days" and problem solved, no more fooling with condoms.
posted by Frank Grimes at 12:39 PM on August 14, 2003

tittergrl, that joke is at least 50 years old. Sorry.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:40 PM on August 14, 2003

biffa, that gets my vote for quote of the day.
posted by MetalDog at 12:41 PM on August 14, 2003

m3dia - yeah, I know I did that, which is part of why I thought my response was funny. And, as i-a-j-s points out, the joke is 50 years old.
posted by yesster at 12:51 PM on August 14, 2003

It may very well be a joke. And if it is, I am mistaken and apologize profusely for it.

That being said, however, my professor didn't couch it as a joke by my recollection. I may have to contact him to find out, because if it is, I'm highly embarrassed.
posted by tittergrrl at 12:57 PM on August 14, 2003

Yeah, sorry, but I heard that as a Hellen Keller joke in grade school (why is her belly button so huge? Her boyfriend's blind too...)
posted by NortonDC at 1:26 PM on August 14, 2003

Metafilter: Go around the testicles.
posted by emelenjr at 2:04 PM on August 14, 2003

tittergrl, that joke is at least 50 years old.

Not only that, but it's in Catch 22 and is missing the... Then when the doctor demonstrated how to have sex using dolls, the husband punched him.
posted by drezdn at 2:35 PM on August 14, 2003

Ann Arbor man: "My wife is pregnant again!"

Exasperated doctor: "Before lovemaking, are you putting the condom on your organ as I instructed?"

Ann Arbor man: "We don't have an organ so I just put it on the piano."
posted by sharksandwich at 4:38 PM on August 14, 2003

Yeah, sorry, but I heard that as a Hellen Keller joke in grade school (why is her belly button so huge? Her boyfriend's blind too...)

First heard it when Blonde jokes were the thing:

q: Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A: Blonde boy friends.

And I have to say there isn't anything like the adrenaline rush and panic mixed with hilarity that trying to retrieve a "lost" condom induces.
posted by Mitheral at 8:41 AM on August 15, 2003