I call Godwin!
August 23, 2003 11:09 AM   Subscribe

 
If you get bored with that, here's Henry the VIII.
posted by Espoo2 at 11:10 AM on August 23, 2003


Doesn't work in either Safari or Inet Exploder on OS X. Must be some of that annoying MS only coding.

Too bad. I wanted to see what Aldof thought was the average airspeed of an unladen swallow.
posted by ehintz at 11:19 AM on August 23, 2003


Me: What is the average airspeed of an unladen swallow?

Hitler: Life in Germany under the Nazis (National Socialists) depended very much on who you were. If you were an Aryan, then life could be good. If you were "an undesirable", then things were very different indeed!
posted by iconomy at 11:25 AM on August 23, 2003


He said "African or European?".
posted by Espoo2 at 11:26 AM on August 23, 2003


Teehee.

Me: What is the average airspeed of an unladen African swallow?

Hitler: Pay attention, you fool! Life in Germany under the Nazis (National Socialists) depended very much on who you were. If you were an Aryan, then life could be good. If you were "an undesirable", then things were very different indeed!
posted by iconomy at 11:34 AM on August 23, 2003


My name is Luka.

My name is Adolf Hitler. Note the spelling - it's not ADOLPH.

I live on the Second Floor.

I can't believe how stupid you are. I did not start a world war in 1939, and would not wish to start one if I was alive today. It only started because Britain and France would not accept my takeover of Poland. They declared war on me, not vice versa!

I think it's because I'm clumsy. I try not to talk to too loud.

You are obviously brainless as well as ugly. Does this face look bothered?.

You only hit until I cry!

My father Alois was illegitimate and his mother was called Schicklgruber; she married a man called Heidler, from which the surname 'Hitler' developed! He was cold and brutal and beat me and my mother occasionally.

Just don't argue anymore.
posted by Stan Chin at 11:47 AM on August 23, 2003


Hmmm... on the lighter side:

Do you suck balls?

Hmm.... There is a vicious rumour that I lost one of my testicles when I tried to urinate in the mouth of a goat for sexual thrills. Whether that is true or not is none of your business, but I am certainly not any less of a man because of it.

Did you burn in hell?

You ask idiotic questions. I am an atheist and I don't believe in the existence of heaven and hell. I told Albert Speer: 'it is easy for me to end my life. A brief moment and I'm freed of everything, liberated from this painful existence'.
posted by shepd at 12:07 PM on August 23, 2003


I am Hitler
posted by donth at 12:14 PM on August 23, 2003


Hitler doesn' know how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Told me to submit the question to the webmaster.

I'll stick with ZOD!
posted by WolfDaddy at 12:21 PM on August 23, 2003


I asked Henry VIII the following:

Who do you think is more dangerous, Bush or Bin Laden?

The answer I got:

I have no knowledge of Osama bin Laden. I think someone said he had a better beard than me, but I can't believe that!
posted by kaemaril at 12:23 PM on August 23, 2003


Me: Nice tache

Hitler: I used to have a 'handlebar' moustache like my father, but in 1913 my siter-in-law suggested that I should cut off the points. Years later, when she saw my picture in a newspaper she said, 'Adolf has gone too far!'. Well, at least it's distinctive, I suppose...recently some people even painted my 'tache onto a poster of Britney Spears, arguing she was trying to take over the (pop) world!

heh.
posted by DaRiLo at 1:25 PM on August 23, 2003


I got an 'atheist' quote too:

I am an atheist. I believe that all religions are worthless. The world is about survival of the fittest, not 'love thy neighbour'!

What total bull. Hitler never said he was an atheist, and invoked the name of God frequently in his speeches.
posted by dgaicun at 1:26 PM on August 23, 2003


"Who is the NL MVP - Bonds or Pujols?"

"Listen carefully. Adolf Hitler is my name, death and destruction and bigotry my game!"

I think he's voting for Smoltz

"What's your favorite Mel Brooks movie?"

"Whilst my hair is black, my eyes are brown - so knowing how self-obsessed I am, that is probably my favourite colour. Yes, I know they're supposed to be blue...I had bad eyesight and took cocaine eye drops to alleviate the discomfort. I refused to wear glasses, however, as I regarded this as a sign of weakness."

He's changing the subject..
posted by RobbieFal at 1:44 PM on August 23, 2003


I simply mentioned, "Alle sieben Sekunden stirbt ein deutscher Soldat" and he replied with "Either your English is terrible or there is a gap in my brain - why not submit that question to the webmaster?".

I guess he doesn't like being reminded of Stalingrad.
posted by sigma7 at 1:57 PM on August 23, 2003


>I am an atheist and I don't believe in the existence of heaven and hell.

Nonsense. From infidels.org

Adolf Hitler was emphatically not an atheist. As he said himself:

The folkish-minded man, in particular, has the sacred duty, each in his own denomination, of making people stop just talking superficially of God's will, and actually fulfil God's will, and not let God's word be desecrated. [original italics]

For God's will gave men their form, their essence, and their abilities. Anyone who destroys His work is declaring war on the Lord's creation, the divine will. Therefore, let every man be active, each in his own denomination if you please, and let every man take it as his first and most sacred duty to oppose anyone who in his activity by word or deed steps outside the confines of his religious community and tries to butt into the other.

[...]

Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord. [original italics]
[Adolf Hitler, from "Mein Kampf", translation by Ralph Mannheim.]

Hitler certainly appeared at times to be a theist, and claimed to be a Christian:

The F├╝hrer made it known to those entrusted with the Final Solution that the killings should be done as humanely as possible. This was in line with his conviction that he was observing God's injunction to cleanse the world of vermin. Still a member in good standing of the Church of Rome despite detestation of its hierarchy ("I am now as before a Catholic and will always remain so" [quoting Hitler]), he carried within him its teaching that the Jew was the killer of God. The extermination, therefore, could be done without a twinge of conscience since he was merely acting as the avenging hand of God -- so long as it was done impersonally, without cruelty.
[John Toland (Pulitzer Prize winner),
from "Adolf Hitler", pp 507, talking about the Autumn of 1941.]

The "I am now as before a Catholic..." quotation from Hitler was recorded in the diary of Gerhard Engel, an SS Adjutant, in October 1941. Hitler was speaking in private, not before a mass audience, and so it is difficult to dismiss the comment as propaganda lies.
posted by skallas at 2:10 PM on August 23, 2003


Doesn't work in either Safari or Inet Exploder on OS X. Must be some of that annoying MS only coding.

I just thought he was being taciturn.
posted by jpburns at 2:11 PM on August 23, 2003


"what the fuck?"

"Why is it that the first thing people ask me is whether I am gay, or just swear at me?."
posted by adampsyche at 2:20 PM on August 23, 2003


So a while back, I tore down an old shed on my parent's property. Stuffed into the walls were several magazines from just before the war broke out. One of the most interesting articles that I found was an interview with stalin, talking about hitler. (1939 or so.) I've scanned it and put it online for your reading pleasure. I thought about posting to the front page... but didn't want to be a self-linking bastard. Enjoy: http://www.woil.ws/hitler/
posted by woil at 2:31 PM on August 23, 2003


Q: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

A: During World War One I won the iron cross twice for bravery after acting as a 'runner' delivering messages between different sections of the front. It was not luck that was responsible for me surviving the flying bullets of world war one and the Munich Beer Hall Putsch. It was FATE. As I said in 'Mein Kampf', I was always destined to be the messiah for Germany.

Reminds me of those Onion "Ask a........." articles.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 2:41 PM on August 23, 2003


Woll:

One of the most interesting articles that I found was an interview with stalin, talking about hitler. (1939 or so.)

This just brings up another question. Who the heck was the author of the piece, Princess Catherine Radziwill?
posted by jpburns at 3:15 PM on August 23, 2003


Woil, what magazine is your interview from?
posted by dgaicun at 3:53 PM on August 23, 2003


Q - Why couldn't Germany and the rest of Europe stay at peace?

A - That's an interesting point. I did not start a world war in 1939, and would not wish to start one if I was alive today. It only started because Britain and France would not accept my takeover of Poland. They declared war on me, not vice versa!

Q - Was invading Poland a good idea if it led to war?

A - I did not start a world war in 1939, and would not wish to start one if I was alive today. It only started because Britain and France would not accept my takeover of Poland. They declared war on me, not vice versa!

Q - Would it have been better to send the Jews to Israel than to kill them?

A - In my view, Jews in particular have no loyalty to any nation and only look out for themselves. I felt that it was their profiteering in World War One that divided the Master Race and brought us to a humiliating defeat and needed to be punished. Wherever I went I began to see Jews and the more I saw, the more sharply they became distinguished in my eyes from the rest of humanity. Julius Streicher was one of the first people I used to promote anti-semitism.

Q - Does it disturb you to know you are a universally despised man now?

A - I am a controversial character - racist, sexist, evil, perhaps!. I believe that races are naturally inclined to conflict and fight for supremacy, and that the Aryan Race must triumph in this battle of 'Social Darwinism'.

Q - Aren't races actually a myth?

A - In my view, both world wars were caused because the world ganged up on Germany; Germany lost both world wars because it was 'stabbed in the back' by the 'enemy within'. In World War One, the spineless leaders of democracy insisted on humiliating surrender. In World War Two, the German people were infected with propaganda and were a disgrace to the Aryan race. Naturally, I bear no responsibility at all - I am a genius!

Q - Is it true you were abused as a child?

A - Despite having a horrible childhood myself, I genuinely liked children and young people - who would form the new generation of violent warriors for the 1000 year Reich. I never had any of my own (I was not interested in sex, to be frank), although I am sure that they would have been 'supermen' like me if I had any. I encouraged women to have children for the Fatherland and even offered SS men to provide the service - these children were part of the 'Lebensborn' programme..

Q - Some of your generals claim you interfered with war plans.

A - During World War One I won the iron cross twice for bravery after acting as a 'runner' delivering messages between different sections of the front. It was not luck that was responsible for me surviving the flying bullets of world war one and the Munich Beer Hall Putsch. It was FATE. As I said in 'Mein Kampf', I was always destined to be the messiah for Germany.

Q - But then it was your FATE to lose the war.

A - In my view, both world wars were caused because the world ganged up on Germany; Germany lost both world wars because it was 'stabbed in the back' by the 'enemy within'. In World War One, the spineless leaders of democracy insisted on humiliating surrender. In World War Two, the German people were infected with propaganda and were a disgrace to the Aryan race. Naturally, I bear no responsibility at all - I am a genius!

Q - So, how about those Tigers?

A - I'm not too bad considering I have been dead since 1945. Thanks for asking!

Obviously a Cubs fan.
posted by pyramid termite at 4:11 PM on August 23, 2003


Q - What do you think of America?

A - I hate all Americans and all things American. The 'Swing Youth' in Germany were mainly middle class youngsters who wanted the freedom to wear stupid American clothes and listen to their decadent music such as jazz. The Americans have no class and no pride! Saying that, I liked Henry Ford....

Q - Why did you like Henry Ford?

A - had a large picture of Henry Ford in my office. While Ford publicly protested that he did not like totalitarian governments, in practice that Ford profited from both sides of World War II - from French and German plants producing vehicles at a profit for the Wehrmacht, and from U.S. plants building vehicles at a profit for the U.S. Army!

Was Henry Ford a racist? Use this translator on this page.
posted by Keyser Soze at 5:01 PM on August 23, 2003


This is very very useful...I've finally been able to clear up this rumour.

Q : How many balls do you have?

A: There is a vicious rumour that I lost one of my testicles when I tried to urinate in the mouth of a goat for sexual thrills. Whether that is true or not is none of your business, but I am certainly not any less of a man because of it.

Brilliant...just brilliant....
posted by mattr at 7:23 PM on August 23, 2003


Hitler doesn' know how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Ha! I asked him the same thing.
posted by jpoulos at 9:44 PM on August 23, 2003


i asked "do you spit or swallow?"

he said to ask the webmaster.

he swallows...
posted by triv at 4:02 AM on August 24, 2003


woil - nice scanned articles, thanks.
posted by dabitch at 4:45 AM on August 24, 2003


Q: What are you wearing?

A: I loved the uniform like the one you see me wearing. It gave me a sense of importance. I had a wide variety of uniforms, including a completely white one for the Summer months, and was never seen in public out of uniform once I had discarded the pretence of being a Parliamentary politician. Only at the Berghof did I wear "casuals."

Q: Wanna cyber?

A: I don't understand your question - please submit it to the webmaster to update my brain.
posted by kirkaracha at 8:21 AM on August 24, 2003


Q: Is that shit on your moustache?

A: Foul language is the symbol of a weak intellect.


Zing!
posted by pooligan at 10:06 AM on August 24, 2003


He doesn't know who let the dogs out, either.

Someday, we'll know the answer.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:11 AM on August 24, 2003


He doesn't seem to know whether he likes pancakes.
posted by Dan Brilliant at 4:07 PM on August 24, 2003


The articles were from Liberty magazine (as it says in the corners of both of them I believe.) Glad ya'll liked em.
posted by woil at 1:18 PM on August 25, 2003


Q: "Oh, Hitler, can't you do anything right?"

A: "Those sorts of value judgements do not interest me in the slightest. Keep your spineless moralising to yourself. History is made by people like me who take tough and perhaps unpopular decisions, not by lily-livered cowards like you!"
posted by kaibutsu at 5:56 PM on August 25, 2003


q: do you blame hypercelibacy for your misery?
a: World Wars are caused by a combination of many motives which I cannot hope to cover here. As far as I am concerned, though, the Second World War only broke out because other countries were not willing to accept that the German people needed Lebensraum - probably because the Jews had given them false information about my peaceful motives!
posted by sa3z at 10:01 PM on August 25, 2003


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