Toilet Habits

August 23, 2003 5:07 PM

Hey, Asswipe! Sadly, there's a dearth of literature on toilet hygiene. Here in Portugal, being a clean-living people, after wasting a forest of bunched-up paper, we thoroughly wash our arses/asses in a bidet after - pardon my French - taking a dump. Men, it must be said, carefully wipe their dicks with toilet paper after a pee and flush twice. Women, though deprived of dicks in the tradition of old Freudian "penis envy", do the same. I wonder whether this is a universal tradition. Pray tell. Ugh!
posted by MiguelCardoso (84 comments total)

german toilets
posted by quonsar at 5:21 PM on August 23, 2003

up to the same old shit eh Miguel?
posted by clavdivs at 5:23 PM on August 23, 2003

Damn, quonsar, that's the funniest thing I've read in weeks. Thanks.
posted by ehintz at 5:27 PM on August 23, 2003

"Meu deus, um quilograma!" exclaims Miguel, joyful and relieved.
posted by angry modem at 5:29 PM on August 23, 2003

I once had a similar experience to this person, in a German pub. They must have been modern Germans. Our reaction was the same as the writer's. Animated gif of similar item here; but ours was elliptical and thus produced a very weird deforming-looking motion while it rotated.
posted by carter at 5:39 PM on August 23, 2003

carefully wipe their dicks

This phrase is a first for an FPP, I assume?
posted by y2karl at 5:47 PM on August 23, 2003

"Jetson, wipe my butt"
posted by clavdivs at 5:53 PM on August 23, 2003

Men, it must be said, carefully wipe their dicks with toilet paper after a pee and flush twice

No American man I've ever met does this. A simple shake should suffice.

. . . And why two flushes?? Sounds superstitious.
posted by dgaicun at 5:55 PM on August 23, 2003

the best way to deal with german toilets, in my experience, is to place a layer of toilet paper on the ledge first. this works like a little sledge.

do portuguese urinals have toilet paper dispensers?
posted by andrew cooke at 6:00 PM on August 23, 2003

Karl: I can't find it but I remember a highly enjoyable MeFi thread on how people showered - or went about bathing. You know, what they washed first and last. It was fascinating.

When I was studying in England I was very impressed by the slovenly habits of the British, French and Europeans in general. Mainy, they showered only on Fridays, before going out for their weekly sortie. Americans, Australians, Africans and Kiwis (like myself) were the only to bathe daily. Everyone else was - well - dirty and smelly.

Since then, having had an unusually large number of girlfriends from various countries, I've been naturally obsessed with habits of hygiene. Most nationalities are disgusting.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:01 PM on August 23, 2003

Agreed. No American man I know of wipes his dick. Line up at the urinal stalls (only alternating stalls if at all possible), piss-shake-shake, walk away (never flush). But then again, circumcision is only now falling out of vogue - going from something like 75% of the male babies to 50% in the past couple decades - so maybe this is changing and we just don't know it?
posted by Ryvar at 6:02 PM on August 23, 2003

. . . And why two flushes?? Sounds superstitious.

Because it's a long way to the cafeteria?
posted by trondant at 6:05 PM on August 23, 2003

Yeah, carter, that deformed elliptical rotating seat is worse than the bedspins if you're drunk enough.

French toilets: No one ever uses the bidet, except maybe after sex. The toilets often don't have enough water in the bottom, which can make for lots of work with the brush. And then there's the chiotte à la turque, found in every French cafe, where you precariously balance in a squatting position, with your feet on two special platforms and your ass hopefully aimed at the right angle, while you try not to piss and shit all over your pants around your ankles. The you pull the chain and water goes everywhere, on the floor and on your shoes if you're not careful. Lots of French people think it's cleaner to use a squatting toilet than one where your ass touches the seat.

English toilets: I never fully mastered the special pump action where you have to pull with speed but not too fast. It always took a few tries to get the flush to engage.

American toilets: Completely full of water, which means little brushwork is needed, but if you're not careful water can splash all over your ass.

Miguel, you do realize that every European nation thinks all the others are slovenly, don't you?
posted by fuzz at 6:09 PM on August 23, 2003

A thai squatty potty is about like a turkish potty, I think.

If you are female, wear skirts in Thailand. Life is much easier that way.
posted by konolia at 6:13 PM on August 23, 2003

Avert many potential hygiene problems with the Geberit Shower Toilet. Although if the truth be told, I favor this model, but you guys out there might be partial to this little number.

At Blort, we know our shit.
posted by madamjujujive at 6:13 PM on August 23, 2003

I think they call that one the "R. Kelly model", madamjujujive
posted by dgaicun at 6:20 PM on August 23, 2003

I thought the german toilet I encountered was an oddity, didn't realize it was common in germany. I never enountered one in a public rest room, only in the private bath room of the family I was staying with, which had other odd things about it, in that it was out on the back porch. The toilet also had some motorized box under it that did something-or-other every few flushes. It shouldn't have been a pump, this was on the 2nd floor. I assumed the shelf in the toilet and the motorized box were somehow connected.

I've encountered the spinning-seat toilets in NYC. The seat is threaded through a box at the back of the toilet, and when you flush it spins round, assumedly performing some cleansing ritual in there. Another one which I only somewhat remember had some robotics that wrapped the seat in fresh plastic with each flush.
posted by duckstab at 6:24 PM on August 23, 2003

Except for any obvious contamination after defecation, the medical reason for the washing of hands is the "bacteria belt", from about knees to navel, between which fecal or coliform bacteria are much more concentrated. The skin there is saturated with bacteria, which really can't be scrubbed off, just reduced, with bathing.
The next factor is that hands are #2 behind feet for collecting contamination--but feet are usually protected by shoes.
Combine the two and you have your own personal unique multi-strain culture and an excellent dispersal system.

It's also noteworthy that it takes a while for people's different multi-strain cultures to "get used" to each other by swapping bacteria with physical contact, so it's much more likely to get sick from being intimate with someone you've just met, then someone you've had slight physical contact with for a while.
posted by kablam at 6:43 PM on August 23, 2003

I'm sure the the International Centre for Bathroom Etiquette have something to say about all this.

The German toilet experience is on ethat I can relate to...but worse still is the experience of toilets in the Middle East and Asia...which are often nothing more or less than a hole in the floor.

The japanese have gone one step further...and gone all techno on us in the restroom...check these out. The last link tells us they are coming west with their turd technology! (sorry 'bout that)
posted by mattr at 7:16 PM on August 23, 2003

Miguel, you were studying: of course most of the people you met were unwashed. I personally only licked my hand and rubbed it over myself for the whole four years of my degree course. Gosh, I'm trying hard not to leap in to defend our brave (and smelly) island race.

Forgive me though, but ...having had an unusually large number of girlfriends from various countries... made me smirk. You international man of mystery.
posted by calico at 7:20 PM on August 23, 2003

You international man of mystery.

Hey, there's a lot to be said for the domestic man of obviousity?

right?
posted by jonmc at 7:24 PM on August 23, 2003

re's a lot to be said for the domestic man of obviousity

spoken from experience!
posted by quonsar at 7:26 PM on August 23, 2003

Depends how much I've drunk, jonmc
posted by calico at 7:28 PM on August 23, 2003

calico, it can't be as much ayh7uhjop
posted by jonmc at 7:39 PM on August 23, 2003

Can't believe no one's mentioned "The Love Toilet".
posted by Espoo2 at 8:09 PM on August 23, 2003

No American man I've ever met does this. A simple shake should suffice.

Tomorrow's Health headline: 'Unjustifiable circumcision saves on toilet paper: lose the foreskin, save the forests!'

When I was studying in England I was very impressed by the slovenly habits of the British, French and Europeans in general.

The wider provision of showers in the UK since your academic years has, thankfully, arrested this. Though the lack of workplace showers is a problem when you end up working next to someone who cycle-commutes five miles across town each morning.

Most London plumbing, though, still leaves much to be desired, which backs up fuzz's point. I assume the stingy landlords' approach is: 'if it survived the Blitz intact, why bother updating it? And if it didn't... well, let's wait until the next one before we go to that expense again.' I've rarely found a lavvy that doesn't require the dexterity and quick reactions of a ping-pong player to flush properly, or a bath that doesn't take three hours to fill with water tinted a colour that varies between 'rust', 'unflushed tampon', and 'dilute shit'. I'm sure that this isn't always the case, but I don't have much experience of the kind of multi-million-pound Docklands abodes where there's both decent water pressure and new piping.
posted by riviera at 8:28 PM on August 23, 2003

Oh, I forgot to mention my favourite urinals: the ones at Amsterdam's Schiphol airport, with their little off-centre files that subconsciously get men to piss in the pot. I should do that fbefore the next time I have guests.
posted by riviera at 8:33 PM on August 23, 2003

Karl: I can't find it but I remember a highly enjoyable MeFi thread on how people showered - or went about bathing.

Miguel, my father was a great reader, and in his later years, a great buyer of remaindered books. One of these was entitled The Bathroom Book. (There are so many books by this title or variations thereupon, that it is impossible to Google it up) It was an entertainment, yet well researched, about toilets and toilet behavior.

Three facts have stuck with me.

One is that it is impossible to design a men's urinal that does not have spray. No matter the shape or design, urine droplets fly forth. Not that this is as major an issue insofar as spreading bacteria as #2--fresh urine in comparison to fresh feces is far closer to sterile. But as a matter of esthetics, it is a problem, as any visit to a tavern bathroom will demonstrate.

I notice that at Sea Tac Airport, the urinals come with a slightly offcenter spiral placed just below and left of center--I have always assumed this is to provide the optimal minimum of escaping spray. They all flush automatically when you step away. No hand contact is made near the urinal. I like this concept very much. When I leave a men's room after washing my hands, I grab a piece of paper towel and pull the door handle open with it.

The second fact was that, no matter, how you wipe, you just don't get it all. Hence bidets. We lag behind you culturally in this matter. Of course, the Japanese are horrified that we Americans place toilet and bathtub in the same room...

The third fact was that, among Europeans, Germans changed their underpants the least often--something like once very week and a half. At least, this was what the statistics were in the 1970s, when I read the book. I quite innocently reported this observation to a German born harridan of a supervisor at a temp job and got a call from the agency when I got home that night that I was not to go back the next day.

Upon spellcheck: for 1970s, personality is the suggested alternative. I beg to differ.
posted by y2karl at 8:41 PM on August 23, 2003

What a crappy subject.
posted by Trik at 8:44 PM on August 23, 2003

I quite like the facilities here.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:56 PM on August 23, 2003

What a crappy subject.

Hey, who invited you to defecate all over this thread?
posted by jazzkat11 at 9:00 PM on August 23, 2003

Has there been any actual research on whether a bidet or paper is more sanitary? Some of my friends have suggested the bidet fares even worse at "collecting".

I remember a couple of years ago one of the big name corporations tried to market some sort of baby wipe alternative to toilet paper for adults. The TV and magazine commercials were pretty funny, b/c they tried to make adult baby wipes seem like some sort of hip choice. I actually thought it was a good idea at the time, but I lived in a dorm then and hence didn't buy my own TP. I think the idea seemed strange or repulsive to consumers b/c it seemed to fold pretty quickly.

Now that I have my own house I only buy TP very rarely. I'm pretty regular, so I can always do my daily business and then just hop in the shower, which has to be the most sanitary method possible. I very rarerly have to go more than that or use public restrooms.
posted by dgaicun at 9:02 PM on August 23, 2003

Actually, I've lived in America all my life and I do the wipe thing. I'm not circumcized though - you have to do more to keep it clean if you're not circumcized (all you fellow uncircumized males know what I'm talking about.)
posted by Veritron at 9:06 PM on August 23, 2003

What a crappy subject.

Nothing a Bottom Buddy won't clean up.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:15 PM on August 23, 2003

No American man I know of wipes his dick.
As an American, I'd be quite ready to concur, except that you've obviously done a survey I haven't. However, my (sweet, Iowa-native) grandmother did once teach my this rhyme:
No matter how much you jiggle and dance
There's always a drop that gets in your pants.
...But we were going to do the laundry anyway, right?
posted by uosuaq at 9:17 PM on August 23, 2003

The only conceivable explanation is that Germans love to inspect their stool,

This is entirely consistent with, and even implied by, that other well-known fact about Germans, to wit: Germans love David Hasselhof.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:20 PM on August 23, 2003

"No American man I know of wipes his dick."

I do, but it's always on the guest towels.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:26 PM on August 23, 2003

For hygienic reasons, once the package has been opened, this product is not returnable.

corporate ripoff bastards.
posted by quonsar at 9:34 PM on August 23, 2003

to quote Don King:

I wash my hands before i touch my dick.
posted by shadow45 at 9:48 PM on August 23, 2003

No American man I know of wipes his dick.

But apparently some English men zuffle.
posted by homunculus at 10:06 PM on August 23, 2003

No American man I've ever met does this. A simple shake should suffice.

Chalk me up as a wussy american who actually does. You never know when a plo chop moment presents itself, would you offer YOUR S/O a less than clean member?member?
posted by DBAPaul at 10:07 PM on August 23, 2003

ONLY ONE MEMBER, I'm not THAT freaky!
posted by DBAPaul at 10:08 PM on August 23, 2003

What a crappy subject.

Hey, who invited you to defecate all over this thread?

Now, now. Let's not get all pissy.
posted by jonson at 10:22 PM on August 23, 2003

to the guy defecating on my front lawn
posted by quonsar at 10:26 PM on August 23, 2003

Line up at the urinal stalls (only alternating stalls if at all possible)

Just in case someone hasn't seen it yet: The Urinal Game (flash)
posted by Galvatron at 10:41 PM on August 23, 2003

You, too, might be a clean-living, double-flushing, dick wiper, but according to some, your colon can't be clean as a whistle without Nature's Platform.
posted by samuelad at 11:10 PM on August 23, 2003

Speaking of the dread Urinal Splashback -- I had some damn kid piss on my foot the other day. His father obviously hadn't clued him in about urinal etiquette, 'cause he took the middle bloody urinal of a set of three. Proceeds to let it rip all over the freaking place, including my sandaled foot.

I suppose I could have escalated the situation, but I'm kidney-shy at the best of times. Sigh.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:38 PM on August 23, 2003

Germans, eh? They're the ones who think that life is like a chicken coop ladder. It's true about the toilets, too.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:02 AM on August 24, 2003

having had an unusually large number of girlfriends from various countries

Uncle Migs, I just don't want to think about that. Now can you make me another caipirinha?

FFF, there is a urinal etiquette guide. Which clearly hadn't been read by the bloke in the Raglan hotel who leaned over on New Years Eve to tell me: "Mate, if you could recycle that, you'd make a fortune."
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:17 AM on August 24, 2003

MetaFilter: Hefty Pellets At Tremendous Velocity
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:38 AM on August 24, 2003

Nothing a Bottom Buddy won't clean up.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
posted by qDot at 1:24 AM on August 24, 2003

The funniest and grossest (most gross?) of all toilet stories. The Infamous Steakhouse Incident. It is a bit long, but worth it.
posted by wsg at 1:32 AM on August 24, 2003

The Bottom Buddy - this sounds like a movie some folks might consider renting.

Or not.
posted by RubberHen at 1:41 AM on August 24, 2003

carefully wipe their dicks

MetaFilter: Where men carefully wipe their dicks

I wrote about the Hong Kong style public toilet, which is similar to many Asian-style potties.

I won't self-link, but it's in the Dim Sum section (on the sidebar) listed as "Traumatic Toilet", for those who are interested.
posted by bwg at 2:36 AM on August 24, 2003

What about Asian Pig Toilets (sorry, couldn't find a decent link) ? These toilets are always outside, obviously, you do your business and pigs stick their heads through a hole in the back to get at the resulting goodness. Sometimes not waiting until you are finished in their desire for the freshest produce.
posted by Joeforking at 2:40 AM on August 24, 2003

What about Asian Pig Toilets

This may occur elsewhere, but here in Korea, Cheju-do (Cheju island) is famous for this. The pigs lived under the house. The people pooped into holes above the pigs. The pigs ate the poop. The people ate the pigs. The people pooped some more. And so on.

Ah, the timeless beauty of it all.

It does still happen in the villages, apparently, but is a dying tradition. All Koreans know that the pork from those pigs tastes better than the usual, though.

Me, I'll pass.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:47 AM on August 24, 2003

You don't need to keep pigs to recycle your waste at home!

All this reminds me of Uncle Harvey:

'Harvey has had a special delivery today. A new toad to add to his collection. A Columbian Natterjack, also known as the Devil's Toad, rumoured in legend to posess magical powers. If only it could conjure up a self-lowering toilet seat for its master, Harvey wouldn't have to go through all that rigmarole with rubber gloves and tweezers every time he makes toilet.'

'..and these are the brushes we use to clean the brushes.'
posted by asok at 4:55 AM on August 24, 2003

I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen.
posted by Zurishaddai at 7:24 AM on August 24, 2003

Redd Foxx said it best:

"You got to wash your ass!! I'm not talkin' bout your whole ass! I'm talkin' bout your ass hole!"
posted by jonmc at 7:38 AM on August 24, 2003

Ah, the timeless beauty of it all.

Cue Elton John: ...Circle... the Circle of Life...

Thanks STWC.

You just saved me a trip to Cheju-do. Not that I'd planned to go or anything, but forewarned is forearmed.
posted by bwg at 8:15 AM on August 24, 2003

to the guy defecating on my front lawn

He'd probably received one of these.
posted by carter at 8:18 AM on August 24, 2003

Of course, I should have posted the Rabelais text.

And I've often wondered about German toilets, so thank you.

The whole thread put together is more information than I really need, though.

*glares at dgaicun*

If only I could find a decent Clochemerle site.
posted by Grangousier at 8:28 AM on August 24, 2003

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Please be neat and wipe the seat."
posted by JanetLand at 10:13 AM on August 24, 2003

I'm proud to note that Miami is the home of Mr. Bidet. Visitors driving south on I-95 can pass a sign featuring a smiling stick figure getting his ass hosed down, with the slogan "For a healthy clean tush" alongside. More than one vacationing friend has asked me to turn the car around so they could take a commemorative snapshot.
posted by mkhall at 11:30 AM on August 24, 2003

while we are on the subject of asses ... a new term in american politics has been coined "whistle ass"
posted by specialk420 at 11:41 AM on August 24, 2003

y2karl: When I leave a men's room after washing my hands, I grab a piece of paper towel and pull the door handle open with it.
Please renew my faith in Metafilter members and tell us your not one of those inconsiderate, litterbug bastards who, after keeping themselves clean insist on dropping said piece of towel on the floor. I swear, sometimes going into a busy bathroom is reminiscent of old time bars with sawdust on the floor.
posted by Mitheral at 11:52 AM on August 24, 2003

As a child I never used to "wipe my dick" with toilet paper after a wizz. Then a friend of mine said he did, I asked him why, and he said, to stop his pants becoming all pissy (no more post-piss drips into the underwear.)

I thought this sounded sensible and have done it ever since.

I also roll up a couple of feet of toilet aper before I do a poo, and drop it in the bowl. I used to hate, as a child, when I'd poo, and the cold toilet water would splash my butt. ~shiver~

Then I discovered I could do that and eliminate the problem, not to mention poo-splash-noise, which I have always disliked either hearing other people's or foisting my own toilet noises on others.

Two turds with one stone, as it were.

Maybe that's what the German toilets are all about?
posted by Blue Stone at 12:57 PM on August 24, 2003

I have always disliked either hearing other people's or foisting my own toilet noises on others.

Hear, Hear. Public rest rooms are for urination only.

When Tina and I were at the Blues and Heritage Festival in Port Townsend three weeks back, I went to the men's room between acts during the afternooon show and heard the ultimate in my experience. Some poor guy had eaten the wrong thing or else had a case of major dysentery. And it was so loud and it went on and on for the whole time I was in there--it sounded like an elephant playing endless Wagnerian fanfares on a tuba underwater in a mud filled swimming pool. It was so gross at first but eventually became comic--we there were rolling our eyes at each other as we washed our hands. I came so close to saying, Hey buddy, now you're talkin' shit! But the poor guy--I figured it would only add more embarrassment to an already unpleasant experience, so I didn't.

Mitheral--I always throw the paper towel into the restroom garbage can if I can get a toe in the door and kick it back or else carry it out to a trash can nearby. Consider your faith restored.
posted by y2karl at 1:39 PM on August 24, 2003

Dookie blood is after me!
posted by homunculus at 2:27 PM on August 24, 2003

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Please be neat and wipe the seat."

you know, I've never understood this. If you're gonna do the hover, PUT THE SEAT UP! Seats are for sitting on. If you're just gonna aim, put the seat up, like the boys.
posted by mdn at 3:16 PM on August 24, 2003

I'm an American and I wipe with a wet tissue. In fact, I try to stay just about completely clean down there in the whole, uh, crotchal, eh, region. I'm with DBAPaul on this - why would you subject someone you love (or like a lot, or just met at a beach party and have really hit it off with even though they are exactly half your age) to any unnecessary inguinal funk?

On the other hand, I don't care how "soft and flexible" this product Migs linked to is, I showed my asshole this picture and it started crying and called its lawyer:


posted by nicwolff at 3:19 PM on August 24, 2003

Boy, that seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to post until (after I previewed) someone I kinda-maybe dated once or twice posted right before me. Pretty embarrassed now!
posted by nicwolff at 3:27 PM on August 24, 2003

I showed my asshole this picture and it started crying and called its lawyer

Beware of talking assholes.
posted by homunculus at 3:51 PM on August 24, 2003

There must be something about the Pacfic NW and cacophonous public bathroom events. Dooce had something to say about it too.
posted by lobakgo at 5:49 PM on August 24, 2003

A co-worker once shared this entertaining bit of advice for men:

"You can shake it, you can squeeze it
You can beat it on a wall
But you gotta put it in your pants
For the last three drops to fall."

Although I wouldn't know.

And mdn, let me say that the nastiest loos I've encountered were in New York City, in the 7th floor ladies room at the Cardozo School of Law building on Fifth Avenue. Those women hovered from a fax-worthy distance. The result was perfectly foul.
posted by datawrangler at 5:53 PM on August 24, 2003

One of my very first jobs was a bicycle assembly-man/shopping cart wrangler/washroom tidier at a Zellers (maybe it was KMart? I don't really remember.)

The women's toilets were always far dirtier than the men's. Maybe it was just the women in that city, but they seemed to consistently throw a few squares of toilet paper on the floor. And they flushed less often. And missed the toilet more often. It was rather disgusting, really.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:30 PM on August 24, 2003

All right, since we're quoting the Poetry of the Crapper, here's an old favorite:

Here I sit,
broken-hearted—
came to shit
and only farted.

posted by languagehat at 7:38 PM on August 24, 2003

No matter how you shake and dance
The last two drops go in your pants.

- Stephen King
posted by bwg at 8:10 PM on August 24, 2003

^Behold the best of the Web...

Something new, something we haven't see or read...

Pee-yew...

*juicy fart noise*

Hmm, now there's a nic.

lobakgo, I wasn't listening to a five syllable production, I was listening to a reading ofWar and Peace, with The 1812 Overture thrown in. Not merely cacophony but stentorian cacophony.

I love this thread. No doubt because I've been so full of it all weekend. I now claim it for me and my descendants forever. Now, to work in The Dark Light Years reference that probably only wobh will get without even mousing over. Actually, that is one of my favorite Aldiss books..
posted by y2karl at 8:14 PM on August 24, 2003

Here's the Poop Sheet, just scroll past the, ah, advertisement, and , um, The Poopie List for the Real Poop on Poop..

Because a large part of feces is not of dietary origin, feces continue to form and are passed even during prolonged starvation.

I did not know that. /Johnny Carson

They have a section on the history of the toilet and things related, as well. I remember reading somewhere that Roman public lavatories had no stalls--everyone sat in a row on a bench with holes hung over running water. I'm now thinking of my recent experience in that format. *shudder*
posted by y2karl at 9:00 PM on August 24, 2003

Man, they have even more poop on poop.

Corn poop is one of the mysteries in life. When we chew corn, the outer coating slips off the inner kernal. This outer yellow coating is almost entirely cellulose, and is indigestible. It passes through the gut untouched, and emerges looking like a whole kernel, although it is mostly just the outer skin. The inside of the kernel is starchy and digestible, and that is the part that we succeed in chewing up.

Man, this is the shit. Eeyew, that pinworm test!
posted by y2karl at 9:10 PM on August 24, 2003

Here I sit,
broken-hearted—
came to shit
and only farted.

Later on I took a chance,
Tried to fart and shat my pants.

And the best potty scrawl ever:

Cod sack
Rod sack
John sack
Ass sack.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:22 PM on August 24, 2003

y2karl: Nah, I got the reference too. Still haven't read the actual book, though.

On the topic of the "last few drops" verse, let's not forget the variant that starts:
No matter how you jiggle and prance...
posted by languagehat at 7:14 AM on August 25, 2003

Here it is! It's no big deal!

I too always use my paper towel to open the door since I see so few people wash their hands. Is a missed shot from the door worse litter than the litter of someone's bacteria colony schmear left on the door handle? I've noticed many places noting the trend by sensibly placing a trash can by the door.

Pull my finger - createafart.com
posted by roboto at 7:22 PM on August 25, 2003