Quonsar, whatever will I do? Wherever will I go?

December 3, 2003 9:10 AM

Metafilter as a screenplay.
posted by Vidiot (21 comments total)

An excerpt:

FADE IN.

INT. TRENDY CAFE

WINONA RYDER is lovelorn and sad. She is complaining to her best friend METAFILTER.COM about the lovelorn and sad state of her life.

WINONA RYDER

Oh, METAFILTER.COM, do you think that I will ever find my true love? I am so lovelorn and sad. Surely, you, as my best friend, have some wisdom to offer.

METAFILTER.COM

Because unceasingly we are bombarded with pseudorealities manufactured by very sophisticated people using very sophisticated electronic mechanisms.

(by the way, link via RachelleB.)
posted by Vidiot at 9:13 AM on December 3, 2003

Like anyone would ever take Metafilter shopping for crockery. We'd never be able to make up our 17,000 minds about anything. Though I vote for Le Creuset.
posted by orange swan at 9:19 AM on December 3, 2003

This one's fun too:

JULIA ROBERTS

I don't believe it, CNN.COM! It's that horrible man I instantly disliked. (Gasps) Oh no, he's coming this way. What should I say to him?

CNN.COM

White House hopeful John Kerry talks foreign policy .

JULIA ROBERTS

I'm not sure that's quite appropriate.
posted by Vidiot at 9:19 AM on December 3, 2003

WINONA RYDER: Hahahahahaha. How delightfully witty you are, METAFILTER.COM!

I bet this dream has often been dreamt.

Teehee, Vidiot - this is just the ticket for certain people I know who need to be a part of something. :)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 9:20 AM on December 3, 2003

Wow. Mine seemed to make some sense... (changed some formatting around)

KATE WINSLET: (staring after him) What a creep.

TITTERGRRL.LIVEJOURNAL.COM: I really dislike the radio in Washington, DC, and pretty much most places.

KATE WINSLET: Boy you said it, TITTERGRRL.LIVEJOURNAL.COM. (sighs) I certainly hope I never see him again.

and

TITTERGRRL.LIVEJOURNAL.COM: Thanks to MetaFilter, I am now aware of two Web sites dedicated to the truly macabre.

KATE WINSLET: Yes, TITTERGRRL.LIVEJOURNAL.COM, good point. So you see, GEORGE CLOONEY, we can never fall in love.

Shit, I've been sitting on a GOLD MINE all this time!
posted by tittergrrl at 9:30 AM on December 3, 2003

I like that they used my quote about abstinence and condoms in a very appropriate place. :-)

(Been in LA only one month, and already I'm mixed up in someone's screenplay...*sigh*)
posted by Asparagirl at 9:37 AM on December 3, 2003

From a BBC documentary on medical research:

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Phew! What a workout, NEWS.BBC.CO.UK (BBC NEWS | HEALTH | EAT WORMS - FEEL BETTER). Let's go get a coffee.

NEWS.BBC.CO.UK (BBC NEWS | HEALTH | EAT WORMS - FEEL BETTER)

Dr Brown examines his own faeces under the microscope to try to guage how many worms currently reside within him.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

What a strange thing to say.
posted by trondant at 10:14 AM on December 3, 2003

METAFILTER.COM suddenly climbs on top of the roof of the taxi.

METAFILTER.COM (yelling): Reformation Monk Martin Luther came second, with communist philosopher Karl Marx third.

The other cars, hearing what METAFILTER.COM has to say, suddenly all pull over and let the taxi through. It races to the airport just in time.

This made me laugh. Many thanks, Vidiot.
posted by Johnny Assay at 10:14 AM on December 3, 2003

Sadly, red hot anal sluts.com doesn't work. But sex.com gives this remarkable dialogue:


KATE WINSLET: Phew! What a workout, SEX.COM. Let's go get a coffee.

SEX.COM: Panty, Foot, Peeing, Legs, Pregnant, Smoking Lesbians, Pussy Licking, Lesbian Sex Shemales, Transsexuals Anal, Orgy, Oral Sex, Ass, Pussy .

KATE WINSLET: What a strange thing to say.
....

KATE WINSLET: If only I'd got his letter that explained how our breaking up was all just a ghastly misunderstanding sooner. Read me the PS again, SEX.COM

SEX.COM: (reading) Abnormally Big, Dicks, Hard Cocks Plumpers, Fat Pussy, Fat .

KATE WINSLET: I still don't understand what he meant by that.
posted by Pericles at 10:23 AM on December 3, 2003

MEG RYAN

Oh, SLASHDOT.ORG (SLASHDOT | RIAA TACTICAL LEGAL VICTORY VS SBC), do you think that I will ever find my true love? I am so lovelorn and sad. Surely, you, as my best friend, have some wisdom to offer

SLASHDOT.ORG (SLASHDOT | RIAA TACTICAL LEGAL VICTORY VS SBC)

It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards".

MEG RYAN laughs

++++++++

MEG RYAN

If only I'd got his letter that explained how our breaking up was all just a ghastly misunderstanding sooner. Read me the PS again, SLASHDOT.ORG (SLASHDOT | RIAA TACTICAL LEGAL VICTORY VS SBC)

SLASHDOT.ORG (SLASHDOT | RIAA TACTICAL LEGAL VICTORY VS SBC)

(reading)

We need people chaining themselves to chairs, stairrails and doors in their offices.

MEG RYAN

I still don't understand what he meant by that.
posted by Blue Stone at 10:24 AM on December 3, 2003

JULIA ROBERTS

Gosh, OBSCURESTORE.COM, there really is nothing like a Sunday afternoon drive, is there? Just you and me out on the road with the wind in our hair and not a care in the world. Why, at this moment I don't even care that I am single and alone.

OBSCURESTORE.COM

Only if they are about to run over a pedestrian who isn't paying attention.

well, it *almost* makes sense...
posted by GhostintheMachine at 10:32 AM on December 3, 2003

METAFILTER.COM: The only problem with this argument is that it's wrong.

WINONA RYDER: No, not that one. The other one.

Bloody brilliant.
posted by DrJohnEvans at 11:07 AM on December 3, 2003

KATE WINSLET : You know, WENDELLWIT.COM, sometimes I think I should give up my independent florist ways and settle down with a decent man who will take care of me.

WENDELLWIT.COM : I know my keyboard drops the letters "c" and "e" constantly!

KATE WINSLET nods in thought.

-----

GEORGE CLOONEY : (whispering to WENDELLWIT.COM) What can I say to make her love me?

WENDELLWIT.COM : (whispering back) Nowadays he would probably try to get on Big Brother.

-----

KATE WINSLET : Oh... WENDELLWIT.COM, can it really be only a week since I met GEORGE CLOONEY? I am so very deeply in love with him. Do you know what he said to me last night?

WENDELLWIT.COM : Thanks to the brilliant Gael "can't-spell-OR-pronounce-your-middle-name" Cooper for the greatest writing assignment of my life.

KATE WINSLET (nodding) Exactly. (sighs) He's such a romantic.

-----

KATE WINSLET is crying. WENDELLWIT.COM is consoling her.

KATE WINSLET : I can't believe we accidentally saw GEORGE CLOONEY out with another woman! I thought he loved me. You were closest to the two of them, what was he saying to her?

WENDELLWIT.COM : Dilbert.com's Second Annual Exuberantly Non-Scientific Weasel Awards have been announced.

KATE WINSLET bursts into renewed tears.

-----

GEORGE CLOONEY : I guess I will take that job in that other country then.

GEORGE CLOONEY leaves

WENDELLWIT.COM : I'll proudly lie and cheat and shred to keep my honor clean.

KATE WINSLET : Thank you, WENDELLWIT.COM. That's just what I needed to hear now that I have a broken heart. No wonder you are my best friend.

-----

KATE WINSLET : I love you, GEORGE CLOONEY.

GEORGE CLOONEY : I love you, KATE WINSLET.

WENDELLWIT.COM : I love the TV show where they voted away the comics, Tom said standoffishly.

GEORGE CLOONEY and KATE WINSLET : Hahahahahaha!!!!

THE END

Think of it as Genefilter with a Hollywood development deal.
posted by wendell at 12:15 PM on December 3, 2003

As a screenwriter, the formatting is all wrong and the action is terribly written. You can't write what people are feeling; you have to show it.

/raining on your parade.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 1:27 PM on December 3, 2003

Why has no one gone to the source to see how quonsar would fare?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

I don't believe it, EVERLASTINGBLORT.COM! It's that horrible man I instantly disliked. (Gasps) Oh no, he's coming this way. What should I say to him?

EVERLASTINGBLORT.COM

-- remember to let those bastards in washington know how unhappy you are about this!

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

I'm not sure that's quite appropriate.

Actually, it fits pretty well ;)
posted by filmgoerjuan at 1:41 PM on December 3, 2003

Fun!

GEORGE CLOONEY

(whispering to ACETYLENE.NET (ACETYLENE, A WEBLOG))

What can I say to make her love me?

ACETYLENE.NET (ACETYLENE, A WEBLOG)

(whispering back)

The keyboard is surprisingly comfortable for the size, and the system is responsive and fast.

GEORGE CLOONEY shrugs and dutifully whispers this in KATE WINSLET's ear

KATE WINSLET

(swooning)

I love you, GEORGE CLOONEY

----

ACETYLENE.NET (ACETYLENE, A WEBLOG)

How come I never find anything interesting in my toilet?

KATE WINSLET

Thank you, ACETYLENE.NET (ACETYLENE, A WEBLOG). That's just what I needed to hear now that I have a broken heart. No wonder you are my best friend.

I really think they've captured the essence of my weblog here.
posted by Acetylene at 2:51 PM on December 3, 2003

It ends up reminiscent of The Onion's semi-regular "Ask A ----" columns. Have they done Ask A Blog[ger] yet? That'd be at least as funny as anything they've been doing lately.
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:28 PM on December 3, 2003

WINONA RYDER

I love you, RICHARD GERE.

RICHARD GERE

I love you, WINONA RYDER.

BILLOREILLY.COM (BILLOREILLY.COM: ARTICLES - SCHOOLING AROUND)

Both have been poorly served by our rapidly degenerating social system.

RICHARD GERE and WINONA RYDER

Hahahahahaha!!!!
posted by graventy at 4:59 PM on December 3, 2003

Dammit, even through the impartial eye of a random web script, Dong Resin is *still* funnier than me:

JULIA ROBERTS

Oh... DONGRESIN.KATGYRL.COM, can it really be only a week since I met RICHARD GERE? I am so very deeply in love with him. Do you know what he said to me last night?

DONGRESIN.KATGYRL.COM

Sure, you're young, unwed, and knocked up by a relative stranger, but at least the kid will be fun-loving!

JULIA ROBERTS

(nodding)

Exactly. (sighs) He's such a romantic.
posted by arto at 8:23 PM on December 3, 2003

YHBC.BLOGSPOT.COM is making a wedding toast.

YHBC.BLOGSPOT.COM: The ball rolls slowly, agonizingly, poisonously, toward Fitzgerald's ball, hesitates, and then delivers a decorous kiss of death.

WEDDING GUESTS : Hear, hear.

YHBC.BLOGSPOT.COM: In my defense, I've been thinking really, really, hard about writing something interesting, so that should count for something.

Everybody laughs

GEORGE CLOONEY and CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: Hahahahahaha!!!! Oh YHBC.BLOGSPOT.COM. You are one of a kind.

THE END
posted by yhbc at 8:32 PM on December 3, 2003

FADE TO.

INT. KEVIN KLINE AND WINONA RYDER'S WEDDING

METAFILTER.COM is making a wedding toast.

METAFILTER.COM: Bets are on and early predictions from the bravest punters are welcome.

WEDDING GUESTS: Hear, hear.

METAFILTER.COM: Abstinence is preached first and foremost and condoms are mentioned only as a last resort.

Everybody laughs

KEVIN KLINE and WINONA RYDER: Hahahahahaha!!!! Oh METAFILTER.COM. You are one of a kind.

THE END
posted by taz at 9:37 PM on December 3, 2003