Pink Slip Stocking Stuffer

December 20, 2003 11:44 AM

Santa lays off elves"Something will definitely be missing this Christmas." said Milja Vilmila, who was told her job as an elf helping Santa no longer existed.
posted by drezdn (6 comments total)

"I feel really dejected, because being an elf is part of my identity"

Identities, mythologies....nothing - not even its own sales effort - is immune to capitalism's cycles.

So what?
posted by lathrop at 1:49 PM on December 20, 2003

One of the last surviving items in my "office e-mail" folder:

-----Original Message-----
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Sent: Wednesday, December 20, 2000 11:27 AM
To: Wittler, XXXXXXXXXX
Subject: Christmas Restructuring

Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

-- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

-- The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

-- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
-- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

-- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high-technology stocks appears to be in order.

-- The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury that can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

-- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

-- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

-- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

-- Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

-- 11 pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings, which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over 12 days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("13 lawyers-a-suing").

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Real life is rapidly catching up to e-mail humor...
posted by wendell at 5:04 PM on December 20, 2003

Milly Vanilly just can't catch a break no how.
posted by mischief at 5:26 PM on December 20, 2003

These elves - they've been outsourced to India?
posted by troutfishing at 8:50 PM on December 20, 2003

Thanks, wendell! Of course by this year the string quartet will have been replaced with a recording, producing even bigger savings.
posted by languagehat at 7:04 AM on December 21, 2003

Santa had better lay off those elves. He's been putting on weight lately, and he nearly crushes them sometimes.
posted by troutfishing at 11:01 AM on December 22, 2003