August 30, 2000

9:12 AM

I Have A Cunning Plan, My Lord... - According to Al Fayed it was Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, who masterminded the plot to kill Diana and Dodi and now he's gotten the CIA to help with the cover up. Perhaps he's been watching too much Blackadder or something.
posted by Nyarlathotep (15 comments total)

why is it so hard to believe they killed her, the British Royalty sells dope, trades weapons, slaves, incest etc. etc.
I put nothing beyond these people, the very rich live by rules of their own
posted by matucana at 10:02 AM on August 30, 2000

I'm leaning towards the beleif that she was killed by the british royalty as well. Diana was throwing her relationship to Dody in their face. Grandchildren to the royal crown with middle eastern ethnicity? It's a grand insult, and they felt that they had to do something about it. It's pretty easy to slip something into a limo driver's drink, or pressure him to 'have just one more'.
posted by tomorama at 10:17 AM on August 30, 2000

Readers of Private Eye, or observers of the recent libel trial, will know all too well that Mohamed Fayed is a consummate fantasist. He and Diana would have made good in-laws, I suppose.
posted by holgate at 10:56 AM on August 30, 2000

Particularly when you find that all the information about their supposed "relationship", particularly the "engagement" and the "engagement ring", comes from Daddy. Who has a longstanding axe to grind with the British establishment.
posted by dhartung at 12:36 PM on August 30, 2000

Princess Margaret came to Chicago and called all the Irish citizens pigs. I don't imagine the royal family has a great regard for the Arabs either. Still, I can't imagine they would go around murdering.
Speaking of smearing the royals, how come nobody is trying to get the Lyndon LaRouche in on the debates? Or is he even running this time around?
posted by thirteen at 12:50 PM on August 30, 2000

Like Blackadder, the problem I have with a conspiracy theory re the Windors bumping off Diana is... who in the world thinks they're competent to do it? About the only member of the family I have any respect for is Charles, and that's because we share a few interests -- the Goons, Christopher Alexander and architectural theory, Kenneth Branagh's Renaissance Theatre Company, that sort of thing.

But, ferchrissakes, Phillip? (snort) As if... Phillip seems to have been sleepwalking through the last few decades...

posted by aurelian at 2:21 PM on August 30, 2000

seems being the operative word. hamlet knows not seems, madam, but Claudius does
posted by chaz at 2:58 PM on August 30, 2000

Remember, it's well documented that Fayed was THE arms dealer to Papa Doc Duvalier, and he did indeed have CIA contact in that era (he had a handler, at least, though it's doubtful they helped him). So maybe he thinks he knows of what he speaks?

Anyhow - most of the conspiracies begin with the question why he hasn't been knighted yet. Well, cause he supported a ruthless murderer and owns Harrod's off the proceeds - it's pretty simple. To me, anything he says is questionable.

Not that I love the Royal family or anything either. But c'mon - they don't have much interest in bumping off someone compared to the risks in doing so.
posted by mikel at 9:40 PM on August 30, 2000

Did I mention that Diana is really an alien from the Zandor system. She has gone home now, her work is here is done.
posted by lagado at 10:30 PM on August 30, 2000

"You'd better get in there," Moneypenny said, finding a way once again to rebuff his mock advances. "He's having quite a time of it."

"Moneypenny, time is one thing you and I never have", James said, before steeling his face and slipping through the bulletproof door.

"Double-Oh Seven," M noted gruffly, his cigar stubbed out in the ashtray. "We've got a situation. Good you were in the office."

"I was just following up on some nasty paperwork regarding the Russian plutonium smuggling operation, Sir," the agent stated with just a hint of casualness. It was clear M was having none of it, though.

"You'll have to finish it later, Bond. Something's come up. Or rather, something's been up for a long time and now we're being put on it." He was clearly extremely unhappy.

"Let's get to it, then, Sir. I can be packed in an hour and and on my way to ...?" Bond mentally scanned recent headlines, trying to be ready for whatever M might throw at him. The rebel movement in South America? The terrorist threats at the Gulf oil fields? Perhaps the kidnappings and piracy that had become an unfortunate fad in Oceania.

"Paris, 007." He looked cross. "It's the Diana situation. It's completely out of control and we're being charged with doing something about it."

Bond, who had been standing, sat in one of the plush chairs facing the desk. "The Princess?" Bond replied, emphasizing the last syllable even more than usual.

"Yes. It's her and that damned Egyptian, al-Fayed. You may remember some dealings with him a while back. Actually, it's his son."

Bond grunted. "Some sort of Mediterranean playboy, as I remember." Sometimes it was better to read the tabloid papers. Pretty rarely in his line of work, but here it paid off.

M brightened a shade. "That's right. Apparently he and the Princess have become involved in some way.I've just been to Number 10, and the PM and the Palace are very keen on a resolution. An immediate one. Prince Philip is adamant that the future King cannot have an Egyptian stepfather. "

"So I'm to go to Paris, and what, precisely, Sir?" Bond had met with a few of the royals in his day, certainly for the palace ceremonies, and had run into a few at some of the better gambling resorts. But he'd generally stayed discreetly away, and completely anonymous, for obvious reasons. This was new territory for him.

M picked up the stale cigar and chomped on the end thoughtfully. "We don't have any protocol for this. Normally it wouldn't even be something they'd ask us to do, more of an MI-5 thing. But they asked for us specifically."

007 reached for a Dunhill himself, and offered his superior a light. "Because it's on foreign territory, no doubt," he suggested matter-of-factly.

"No, 007." M took a long drag on the cigar to bring it back to life. "Because of your licence to kill."

There was a loud chord of music and drums. Bond's face, in close-up, raised an eyebrow.

"What WAS that?" M said distractedly. "I've told Moneypenny time and again not to leave her radio so loud. Anyway ..."

Bond was all business now. "Sir, must I remind you, that under the recent Parliamentary debates about intelligence work, they insisted that all such operations have a clearly justified case -- the agent's own life, the life of another agent, or national security."

"James," M said, one of the rare times he'd addressed his understudy by his Christian name, "They're saying it's national security." He glared at Bond and held his cigar aloft for a full long minute.

Bond stared back. "National security?" It was impossible. He couldn't stifle a chuckle.

That was all it took to set M off. "That's right," he said, little puffs of smoke bursting out of his mouth and nose. "National security."

Now Bond was laughing uproariously. "You know there's going to be hell to pay when this comes out."

M laughed until a small cough interrupted him. "Damn, James." He got up and opened his liquor cabinet. "I miss the old days. I really do."
posted by dhartung at 8:36 AM on August 31, 2000

Bravo dhartung!
posted by wiremommy at 4:12 PM on August 31, 2000

The people who worship at the grave of that mad sad stupid woman are the same people who think that Kennedy was a great President rather than a dangerous warmongering fool. A lucky bullet that was!
posted by mike l at 4:41 PM on August 31, 2000

Yep, we can thank that bullet for the renowned peacemonger LBJ and its cousin for Nixon too. Lucky us.
posted by nikzhowz at 5:11 PM on August 31, 2000

dhartung, that was inspired - thanks!


posted by mikel at 9:15 PM on August 31, 2000

Thanks for the kudos; I had fun writing it. It'll move to a "rant" location on my website so it won't be buried here ...
posted by dhartung at 10:24 AM on September 1, 2000