You better ask before you try and stick your finger up there.

January 31, 2004 9:34 PM

Uncle Patrick’s Advice to Children-- a collection of rules to live by. Some highlights: Wear the condom. No, for the love of Pete, not the mint-flavored one. Jesus, that thing burns. and Here’s a helpful tip for job interviews: try not to stab your future boss in the arm with a freshly sharpened pencil. If you must stab someone with a pencil, have the common sense to dull the point to a state where you can be sure it won’t easily break the skin. (via boingboing)
posted by amberglow (23 comments total)

Thank you, amberglow. That's the funniest thing I've read all week.
posted by cryosis at 9:51 PM on January 31, 2004

it is good, isn't it? read the comments to it too (they explain the minnesota wristwatch thing, and lots about krazy glue) : >
posted by amberglow at 10:00 PM on January 31, 2004

Yeah, those just completed it for me. Unfortunately, I knew what a Minnesota wristwatch was. (Mental note: Get more mature friends.) And I have to admit that I have Krazy Glue solely for the purpose of patching myself up.
posted by cryosis at 10:04 PM on January 31, 2004

I never heard of either of those--weird
posted by amberglow at 10:06 PM on January 31, 2004

And I have to admit that I have Krazy Glue solely for the purpose of patching myself up.

I've used it too and it works great, although only for wounds up to a certain size. Fortunately, I've never been injured that badly to have to push the limit.
posted by moonbiter at 10:30 PM on January 31, 2004

Oh, and the comment about vets using tissue glue it is right on. My ex-girlfriend, a vet, is the one who taught me the use. However, the medical glue she used was purple, and has a different chemical composition than typical hardware store super glue. Normal super glue contains methyl alcohol, which means that you just don't want to use large quantities of it (i.e., on large wounds) because it can cause inflammation. The surgical tissue glues that are used contain a different curing agent which is more expensive to produce (butyl ester (sp?), or something like that).

I've never noticed any side effect from using normal super glue on small cuts.
posted by moonbiter at 10:51 PM on January 31, 2004

This made me giggle, in a non-fetching, non-schoolgirl-like way. My diaphragm thanks you.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:16 PM on January 31, 2004

I've used it too and it works great, although only for wounds up to a certain size. Fortunately, I've never been injured that badly to have to push the limit.

As amberglow pointed out, from the comments:

"I promise you, the Krazy Glue thing is bad. I damn near lost the foot to it, and had to suffer through an incredibly condescending lecture on the Evils of Believing Stuff You Read In Tabloids About Health and the supreme idiocy of squirting petrochemical goo in an open wound and so on."

Dungeons and Dragons never goes away. Girls will still sense that shit 20 years later.

Damn.
posted by namespan at 11:21 PM on January 31, 2004

From Kevin Kelly's Cool Tools:

Superglue is ethyl-cyanoacrylate. While fine for small cuts, it has several weaknesses when used as a substitute for heavy-duty suturing. An improved version, butyl-cyanoacrylate was developed for heavier surgical repairs, and this stuff was used widely in the Vietnam War to patch up soldiers in the field. Butyl-cyanoacrylate is a little more flexible on a wound than commercial superglue, generates fewer toxic byproducts, and is now commonly used by vets to repair animal wounds. You can buy the stuff as 3M Vetbond. This is also what midwives have started using.

In 2000, the FDA approved a new version of tissue adhesive for human use, sold as Dermabond. This new composition, octyl-cyanoacrylate, is a longer chain, still more flexible, and possess the yet-unexplained ability to inhibit bacterial growth -- a godsend in surgery. It's strong enough that it will likely replace a lot of suturing altogether someday. Small quantities of octyl-cyanoacrylate are sold to non-medicals for "research purposes" -- it's the genuine stuff, only in dispensers that aren't sterilized, and therefore not approved for human use (only animal use).
posted by nicwolff at 12:10 AM on February 1, 2004

[this is good] I even learned a couple of things. Not things I can use in public but, hey, knowledge is power.
posted by dg at 4:05 AM on February 1, 2004

He's a funny guy, thanks amberglow.
posted by Tarrama at 7:25 AM on February 1, 2004

I add my thanks. And do read those comments.

Never carry fireworks in your man-purse. You WILL loose your unused condom, toiletries, and the mascara you use to make your moustach darker, in the blaze. And you will scream in such a way that explains why you carry -- or carried -- a man-purse.
--something that I saw a friend learn once, long ago.

Great stuff.
posted by languagehat at 8:27 AM on February 1, 2004

The cops never think it’s as funny as you do.

truer words were never spoken.
posted by whatnot at 9:38 AM on February 1, 2004

I've seen this excerpted on other sites, and they always excerpted the lamest ones, the ones that just made him sound like a cheap Cliff Yablonski rip-off. Reading the whole entry is way better. Thanks.
posted by Hildago at 11:23 AM on February 1, 2004

Loved that list, but to add one piece of ol' Elwood wisdom: Never trust a cop wearing a rubber glove.
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:17 PM on February 1, 2004

Very funny read, amberglow. I spotted a few potential metafilter taglines in there too.

Metafilter: The rash won't go away on its own.

Metafilter: Now that you've climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn't it? Dumbass.
posted by madamjujujive at 4:37 PM on February 1, 2004

Yeah- this is good stuff. Be sure to read the archives, too. Funny as well. Scraping... my... fucking... eye.
posted by pissfactory at 5:38 PM on February 1, 2004

Try not to get too depressed. There’s always something to look forward to. Keep alert, and sooner or later you’ll see someone slip and hurt themselves.

...

You better ask before you try and stick your finger up there.

...

Powdered cocoa won’t put out the fire.

Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken. ;)
posted by Dreamghost at 6:12 PM on February 1, 2004

Entertaining and informative. Thanks for sharing.

While I was reading this, the voice I was hearing was the next-door neighbor guy in the movie "Office Space," (who was played by the guy that is also is one of the main characters on the Drew Carey show).
posted by jaronson at 6:16 PM on February 1, 2004

You better ask before you try and stick your finger up there
But that removes the essential surprise element and, therefore, much of the pleasure.
posted by dg at 7:50 PM on February 1, 2004

The Renaissance Faire may not be the source of all your problems, but it sure as shit isn’t helping any.

Lord, that is funny.
posted by oflinkey at 8:23 PM on February 1, 2004

You better ask before you try and stick your finger up there.

But that removes the essential surprise element and, therefore, much of the pleasure.

And as I heard recently; 'its easier to get forgiveness than permission'.
posted by biffa at 7:10 AM on February 2, 2004

After stumbling across this over the weekend, I really, really wanted to share it with my mother, but, in the end, I didn't dare. It was scrumptiously funny! (I suspect amberglow & I surf a few more sites in common besides MeFi....)
posted by Lynsey at 9:39 AM on February 2, 2004