Speed Novels

February 28, 2004 12:33 PM

Novels in 25 Words or Less: A contest at "I Love Books." Here's one entry: "I'm stupid, I'm smart, I'm wicked smart, I'm wicked wicked smart, I'm stupid again. And I have a mouse called Algernon." Some are funny, some are lame, some aren't novels. Give it a whirl.
posted by Slagman (42 comments total)

OK: "They're listening, I'm alone, I'm afraid, my legs hurt, there's this girl who understands. O'Brien too. Rats! Maybe not, after all. I love Big Brother."
posted by adamgreenfield at 12:57 PM on February 28, 2004

"Diminuitive gluttons pluck up courage and tighten belts for miserably long hike over and under mountains to deliver very bad man's favorite jewlery."
posted by scarabic at 1:42 PM on February 28, 2004

Hmmm... looks like the "or less" part is in question there. I think maybe nailing it in exactly 25 is more fun and challenging.
posted by scarabic at 1:49 PM on February 28, 2004

I'm homeless, one leg works, whoops, now both are shit. I'm a detective, I've got a son, whoops, now I don't. Who's writing this anyway?
posted by logovisual at 2:26 PM on February 28, 2004

A better site with short reviews is Book a Minute, part of the glorious Rinkworks site (home of the dialectizer. Slap my 'fro!)
posted by Happydaz at 3:05 PM on February 28, 2004

Drugs are good. Shit, my girlfriend's awfully hairy now. So's my doctor. So are my colleagues. What the hell is going on here? Look, Bonobos!
posted by Ufez Jones at 3:09 PM on February 28, 2004

Some men should be above the law, for the good of mankind. Die, you greedy wench! I feel so horrible though... oh nevermind. Hello religion!
posted by themadjuggler at 3:26 PM on February 28, 2004

Earth's gone. Bad poetry. Stolen spaceship. The meaning of life. Hey, I'm a suborbital whale! Superintelligent mice want my brain. Sad, angry robot. I'm hungry.
posted by ColdChef at 3:29 PM on February 28, 2004

ColdChef, which one is that? It sounds kinda innaresting.
posted by adamgreenfield at 4:32 PM on February 28, 2004

That was my poor attempt at "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."
posted by ColdChef at 4:43 PM on February 28, 2004

The colonists' diseases ravaged the natives as those back home annihilated themselves. "Who wants a hot dog?" Where are the Martians, Daddy? In the pool.

The Martian Chronicles, Ray Bradbury
posted by mischief at 4:49 PM on February 28, 2004

Galactic empire is falling, let's go to the Rim and hide, while others stay behind to do the math and rebuild. Watch out for mutants!
posted by billsaysthis at 6:08 PM on February 28, 2004

Thou shalt not eat. Thou shalt not kill. Go ahead and kill if they're heathens. Love the heathens. Your brother's dead. Oh yeah, he's immortal.
posted by fatbobsmith at 6:25 PM on February 28, 2004

lol fatbobsmith!
posted by scarabic at 6:45 PM on February 28, 2004

"My parents died and my magazine failed. This gives me material for a novel, doesn't it? Little brother's pain is tragic but fair game, too."
posted by scarabic at 6:53 PM on February 28, 2004

Russian sisters want to go to Moscow. They don't go.
posted by dnash at 8:04 PM on February 28, 2004

My uncle's cool. No, he killed my friend for science! He's my dad! Now he's after god! The universe is self-aware! Live good stories.
posted by freebird at 8:16 PM on February 28, 2004

These don't make much sense without the titles.
posted by mischief at 8:30 PM on February 28, 2004

Knut Hamsun's Hunger: I'm hungry. I'm brilliant and deluded. My mind is constructed for postmodernism in advance if its arrival. I'm lonely and isolated. I'm hungry.
posted by squirrel at 9:31 PM on February 28, 2004

Phoney phoney phoney phoney phoney. Phoney phoney phoney phoney phoney. Phoney phoney phoney phoney phoney. "Fuck?" Think of the children!
posted by arto at 9:41 PM on February 28, 2004

(feel free to stick five more "Phoneys" in there. Or even a "Got kicked out of school", depending on whether you'd rather think me clever or informative.)
posted by arto at 9:42 PM on February 28, 2004

Hurrah! That's all.



(The Last Hurrah)
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:46 PM on February 28, 2004

Jewish TV producer lusts after women and single malt whisky, kills best friend, hits on another woman at his wedding. Gets Alzheimer's, dies lonely.
posted by antifreez_ at 10:46 PM on February 28, 2004

I actually kind of enjoy it without the titles. It looks like people ask when they really want to know, but it's fun trying to figure out. And when you get it you feel cool.

And isn't the whole point of metafilter to feel cool?
posted by freebird at 10:49 PM on February 28, 2004

I'm old. I'm fishing. I'm fishing. Big fish. Fish gone.

[worst. novel. ever. by the way]
posted by owillis at 10:52 PM on February 28, 2004

fatbobsmith wins the Pulittlezer, but here's an easy one:

That bitch, Melanie! Do y’all smell smoke? Darn ol’ Yankees! Hungry? Never again! I hate him! I hate him! I love him! Dadgum, he’s gone!
posted by taz at 1:26 AM on February 29, 2004

Simply irresistible. Here's a hard one:

I’m a leper? How ironic. I don't believe it. Save the world? Me? How ironic. I don't believe it. I’m a loner, see? Okay, whatever.
posted by taz at 2:23 AM on February 29, 2004

Best short novel ever:

"When I awoke, the dinosaur was still there."

Go and guess who write this.
posted by samelborp at 4:07 AM on February 29, 2004

This reminds me of Espresso stories, tales you can swallow in a single gulp.
posted by dabitch at 4:16 AM on February 29, 2004

(the dinosaur-story is the inspiration)
posted by dabitch at 4:19 AM on February 29, 2004

Taz, that wouldn't be the first Thomas Covenant book, would it? ('Cause if it's not, it could be.)
posted by deadcowdan at 5:34 AM on February 29, 2004

'Tis, indeed, deadcowdan.
posted by taz at 5:53 AM on February 29, 2004

there's also book-a-minute, Don't have time to read it all? [...] Our ultra-condensed books are just the ticket.
posted by kliuless at 6:25 AM on February 29, 2004

Obnoxiously intelligent child trained on videogames saves universe from invading insect overlords, obnoxious siblings take over world, child discovers bugs aren't so bad after all.

Forgive my faulty memory if that's an inaccurate summary.

Hint, though I doubt you need it: Orson Scott Card
posted by five fresh fish at 10:50 AM on February 29, 2004

Everything on this continent is trying to kill me! It's got the most stunning landscapes. The people are strange, but they're as friendly as all get-out.

26 words, but only because it flows better than the quick hack to bring it under 25.

Hint: Bill Bryson.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:54 AM on February 29, 2004

Upton Sinclair, The Jungle

Ugh! Don't eat that! Don't eat that either! You can shovel shit all day, but you can't make a living. being poor in America sucks.

John Steinbeck, Tortilla Flats

Cheat your friends, buy wine. Steal something, buy wine. Picnic on pictures of food. Catch frogs, buy wine. Being poor in America is kinda fun.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 11:57 AM on February 29, 2004

Poor governess falls for brooding master hiding batty wife in attic of his fabulous estate. He goes blind but turns out she's rich anyway - sweet!
posted by CunningLinguist at 12:55 PM on February 29, 2004

Castaway works hard all week. Eventually, Friday comes.
posted by CunningLinguist at 1:00 PM on February 29, 2004

Dammit. I'm just about to read Ender's Game and I think I just spoiled it for myself a few lines up. Not sure. Damn-Damn! Another vote for titles, I guess.
posted by scarabic at 3:22 PM on February 29, 2004

Hmmmm. Sorry about that. I suppose perhaps these twenty-five word reviews should mock the content without giving it away, like Scarabic's "Diminuitive gluttons pluck up courage and tighten belts for miserably long hike over and under mountains to deliver very bad man's favorite jewelry."

Sorry about that. Read it anyways, it's still very good. And I didn't give away the bulk of the book at all.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:29 PM on February 29, 2004

You see that? It's all fun and games 'til someone starts crying.
posted by squirrel at 6:04 PM on February 29, 2004

freebird - His Dark Materials right?
posted by krazykity16 at 8:00 PM on February 29, 2004