Comments on: How NOT to write metaphors

How NOT to write metaphors

brownpau — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 08:22:36 -0800

"She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword," and other allegedly actual similes and metaphors from student essays, mangled like pigeons on Baltimore light rail tracks.

By: lotsofno

lotsofno — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 08:30:07 -0800

some of those didn't seem that bad to me, while others were just hilarious... this one was gold though: "Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m.at a speed of 35mph." Thanks for the great link.

By: vito90

vito90 — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 08:36:16 -0800

This post made me laugh like a hyena scavenging rotten meat on the Serengeti. Thanks brownpau.

By: Ufez Jones

Ufez Jones — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 08:38:20 -0800

It's tough to say since they're taken out of context, but I think some of these are probably supposed to be funny, and quite a few of them were, intentionally or not. Thanks bp.

By: Robot Johnny

Robot Johnny — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 08:40:07 -0800

I love these! Even though the bowling ball metaphor is a rip-off of Douglas Adams when he wrote "The ship hung in the air in exactly the same way that a brick doesn't."

By: ralawrence

ralawrence — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 08:45:24 -0800

This is very old, but never ceases to make me smile. My favourite? "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night. Classic.

By: carter

carter — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 09:00:06 -0800

'S funny, thanks brownpau!

By: sonofsamiam

sonofsamiam — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 09:00:26 -0800

These are very funny, but aren't by students.

By: brownpau

brownpau — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 09:05:35 -0800

Oof, thanks for catching that, sonofsamiam. I am as shamed as an AxMe poster who doesn't Google first.

By: fvw

fvw — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 09:19:35 -0800

What, "not at all" you mean? *grumbles* bloody lazy bastards

By: the fire you left me

the fire you left me — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 09:22:28 -0800

Hip hop is great for the resurgence in metaphor and simile. "I'll unload on you like finished laundry", for example.

By: chicobangs

chicobangs — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 09:34:28 -0800

It's nice that, much like a newly renovated wall, we have a good outlet for such things.

By: me3dia

me3dia — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 09:35:37 -0800

The star-crossed lovers one is cribbed from an old Bulwer-Lytton contest, if I'm not mistaken.

By: BigCalm

BigCalm — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 10:36:17 -0800

I love these - good examples of the comic metaphor so often used by Douglas Adams, Alexei Sayle, etc. Great link!

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 10:48:24 -0800

Clever clever clever. Well, some of them, anyhow. I think I've seen these before, but they make me smile nonetheless. My favorite: The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

By: xmutex

xmutex — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 11:04:00 -0800

I miss Douglas Adams :(

By: Ufez Jones

Ufez Jones — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 11:13:12 -0800

It's nice that, much like a newly renovated wall, we have a good outlet for such things. Much like a steak for a spoiled child at a fancy restaurant, chico, well-done.

By: GhostintheMachine

GhostintheMachine — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 12:18:19 -0800

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. I don't even know what that's trying to say, but I love it nonetheless. Especially since centipedes only have 30 legs. I think that's what makes it so beautiful.

By: vorfeed

vorfeed — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 12:33:36 -0800

I especially love this one: "John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met." Genius.

By: sonofsamiam

sonofsamiam — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 13:08:27 -0800

His metaphor was strained, as strained as the wonton soup which had recently passed through his mustache. He constructed the similie as awkwardly as a novice carpenter constructs an poor simile. Humor frequently flowed from him, because he was bulimic.

By: Frasermoo

Frasermoo — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 13:27:31 -0800

i just cried. genius.

By: chicobangs

chicobangs — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 13:35:57 -0800

These similes are like your date on prom night. Yeah. It's way more fun to make 'em yourself instead of watching other people have all the fun.

By: The God Complex

The God Complex — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 13:46:16 -0800

I think the world would be a better place if more students actually had such an off-kilter sense of humour.

By: bingo

bingo — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 16:37:10 -0800

Especially since centipedes only have 30 legs. They get more legs with age. According to this, the average centipede has 70 legs.

By: bingo

bingo — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 16:41:37 -0800

Er, I mean this. Durned Opera.

By: seanyboy

seanyboy — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 16:45:53 -0800

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Classic.

By: rafter

rafter — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 16:53:51 -0800

This is really brilliant, of course. I do love, "Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre." (Which is actually an interesting approach to metaphor, the humor of it aside. Not to kill the good mood, but it is often useful to call attention to the falseness of your metaphor; Neruda, writes, in I explain some things, "and the blood of the children ran simply / through the streets, like children's blood" which says more than any metaphor could. But yeah, this link is great.)

By: squirrel

squirrel — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 17:16:03 -0800

Glorious! I shivered with delight like a naked man shivering as he walks home at midnight in Glasgow in December--only from delight.

By: chicobangs

chicobangs — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 17:27:18 -0800

Like cable in Mongolia, I don't think I get it.

By: dg

dg — Thu, 22 Apr 2004 22:50:38 -0800

I detect several there that are either slightly altered from Douglas Adams' work, or at the very least, heavily influenced by him. I miss him too :-(