Brutally honest personals

May 14, 2004 10:21 AM

Brutally Honest Personals. Hers: "Even though I run marathons, I still can't lose those few pounds. But I can probably kick someone to death with my legs of steel." His: "When I do have a job, it's low paying, and credit consolidators take half of what I earn. I'm behind on my rent, emotionally closed, and take medication to treat my depression." Esquire comes up with personal ads for people who are tired of being excessively positive -- will the trend ever catch on for resumes and college class notes? (Possibly NSFW due to some sexual language.) via anil.
posted by onlyconnect (20 comments total)

There's no way this is real. What kind of idiot would want to date or even meet any of these people?

Marriage philosophy:
I hated it. I would marry again only for money.
or
"When I feel bad, it helps me to call you at work. Frequently. Rushing me off the phone will just make me cry and pester you with e-mails."
or, worse,
"I'm lanky, ridiculously in debt, and almost always stoned. I don't have much ambition and live at home. Nonetheless, I'm optimistic and have a vexing confidence."

Nice! There's a winner!
posted by fenriq at 10:37 AM on May 14, 2004

These are awesome. Reading regular personals, you would never know that nearly everybody is depressed, in debt, and gassy.
posted by Hildago at 10:38 AM on May 14, 2004

Two years and one month ago, I placed this ad in the Washington CityPaper:

Every time you answer someone else's personal ad, God kills a kitten. Tall urban hipster urges you to please, think of the kittens.

One month ago, I married one of the respondents.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:59 AM on May 14, 2004 [11 favorites]

DBi? WCM 5'11" 150 Lbs GL no STD ISO B/D S/M TV DBiB/H/AJM/F HWP GL for XXX and LTR no smk/drgs/STD - PBR?
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:15 PM on May 14, 2004

the babes want this and that but seem not to know that some good oral sex is the hook(er) that gets the guy
posted by Postroad at 12:25 PM on May 14, 2004

...
posted by Satapher at 2:02 PM on May 14, 2004

So how do I sign up? I can't find a link to do that...
posted by LoopSouth at 2:48 PM on May 14, 2004

There's no way this is real. What kind of idiot would want to date or even meet any of these people?


I can honestly say this girl comes across as quite appealing to me. Seriously.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 2:54 PM on May 14, 2004

LoopSouth, I hunted on the main Esquire site and found this. And congratulations (again), MrMoonPie!
posted by onlyconnect at 3:27 PM on May 14, 2004

John -

Me too, she sounds like one of my best friends -- just way cuter.
posted by SpecialK at 5:24 PM on May 14, 2004

Insensitive man seeks uncaring woman for meaningless relationship. Photo not necessary.
posted by Wet Spot at 6:04 PM on May 14, 2004

Yes, the anime and video game girl had me wondering if it was real, since I've never met a cute girl who played video games who didn't have guys lined up around the street. This woman also strikes me, as she herself says, as quite cute. Also nerdy (often a plus, at least with most I know). If it is real, I'd lay money on several men who know her actually being interested, but either already ruled out, or just too shy to talk.
posted by jb at 10:16 PM on May 14, 2004

My personals ad starts with the headline "Want a Crappy Boyfriend? I got it covered..."

Surprisingly, I get quite a number of responses.

I think people are naturally suspicious of flawless personal ads...
posted by BobFrapples at 11:06 PM on May 14, 2004

OMFG!!! OMFG!!! I know that girl. I've met her, anyway. I know people who know her. Her name, as posted on the site, is correct -- google her, and you'll find her blog, even (though maybe not the first hit). Small fuckin' world....
posted by MrMoonPie at 5:55 AM on May 15, 2004

I think they are quite real. For another view on this thing, read more here.
posted by chunking express at 3:45 PM on May 15, 2004

There's been a lot written about the difference between the depressingly earnest (or, to some, 'relentlessly upbeat') personals published by the New York Review of Books, and the self-deprecating ones at the London Review of Books (sadly, not online right now, but here are representative samples).
posted by riviera at 7:24 PM on May 15, 2004 [1 favorite]

i am actually one of the featured personals (i'm dana), and i can say that while everything i wrote is technically true, i just wrote things i thought were self-depricating and funny. putting my worst foot forward to show that i can have a laugh at myself. but also, like they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. i've gotten nearly 50 letters and the print issue doesn't hit newsstands wide-release until may 18. it's been pretty freaking interesting, i'll tell you that.
posted by maybeiam at 6:50 PM on May 16, 2004

MrMoonPie, that may be the coolest thing i have ever read on mefi!
posted by quonsar at 8:50 PM on May 16, 2004

Gotta love being reg'd for 3 years and having your second comment be to a link about you.
posted by Ptrin at 9:10 PM on May 16, 2004

Ptrin, if you check out maybeiam's first comment it was also to a post about her -- this time re a site she created. All signal, no noise!
posted by onlyconnect at 9:38 PM on May 16, 2004