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Tuesdays with Maury
May 20, 2004 12:37 PM   Subscribe

Not exactly renewing my faith in humanity. Evidently even mentioning Maury Povitch on your website will result in receiving hundreds of comments from people who believe they are writing to Maury himself. The results are predictably unpredictable. (NOTE: Have a sense of irony and 20 minutes handy before clicking)
posted by BrodieShadeTree (73 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
I once had a .sig that had a quote from a Rolling Stone article about the band Hanson.

My first name is Zac

After google and some other search engines added public archives of some mailing list posts I made with the .sig in it to their search engine results I soon was receiving mail from hanson fans who had thought that they had stumbled on Zac Hanson's secret email address.

It still makes me laugh to this day.
posted by pixelgeek at 12:50 PM on May 20, 2004 [2 favorites]


Dear BrodieShadeTree,

Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce And Industry, I have the privilege to request for your assistance to transfer the sum of $47,500,000.00 (forty seven million, five hundred thousand United States dollars) into your accounts. The above sum resulted from an over-invoiced contract...

P.S. Great post.
posted by vito90 at 12:51 PM on May 20, 2004


Wow. That's just...wow.
posted by ColdChef at 12:55 PM on May 20, 2004


More than anything, it's depressing.
posted by Outlawyr at 12:57 PM on May 20, 2004


I WANT to believe .... Hugh? To me, this closes in on the whole "Hot Shot City is Particularly Good" Hassellhoff meme from a while back in 'just plain funny'.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 12:58 PM on May 20, 2004


DEAR MR. META FILTER,

I READ YOUR INTER NET WEB SITE EVERYDAY AND ENJOY IT VERY MUCH COULD YOU POSSIBLY SEND OVER SOME OF YOUR NIGERIAN DOLAR$$$$ I AM VERY HUNGRY AND COLD HERE AND I THANK YOU IF YOU COULD GET ME ON THE MAURY SHOW I WOULD REALLY LIKE THAT


Seriously, though, I get this too. I write about Filipino political figures and celebrities, then I start getting their mail from fans and followers. I once wrote about cancelling AOL, now I get angry "CANCEL MY FREE AOL" messages once in a blue moon.
posted by brownpau at 1:00 PM on May 20, 2004 [1 favorite]


Prince? Prince, is that U?

There is no way these are real. ...right?
posted by widdershins at 1:10 PM on May 20, 2004


I feel your pain, BrodieShadeTree.

I had a similar situation where I called to cancel my AOL account a few years ago and they instead offered me three months free to think it over. A few days before the three months were up, I called to cancel my account again and they did the same thing again. I wrote about it in my weblog and after Google indexed it, I started getting about three e-mails a day from people asking me for free AOL.

*sigh* I bet these people are the same ones who think Saddam and Osama were fast friends.
posted by stevis at 1:14 PM on May 20, 2004


You folks still have faith in humanity?

...oh, yeah,
Maury Povitch
posted by Nauip at 1:14 PM on May 20, 2004


OMG!! Pixeltree is really Zac Hanson!!
posted by briank at 1:14 PM on May 20, 2004


hi, muary!
posted by iconomy at 1:19 PM on May 20, 2004


Way back in stone ages of the web (1994), I made a web site for a video store I worked at which listed all our stock. I got so many emails from people asking for David Lynch and Quinten Tarantino's phone numbers and addresses that I had to add to the FAQ that just because I carried their movies I didn't talk with them daily. The emails kept coming.
posted by dobbs at 1:19 PM on May 20, 2004


OK, how long before people start creating idiot-magnet websites for the express purpose of harvesting comments from America's bottom decile? And then how long before the first RSS feed of these comments, so I can have a constantly refreshing list of the most recent 10 pathetic messages to [whomever] on MY website? And then how long before stupidornot.com feeds me random idiot-magnet comments one at a time, so I can rate their hilariousness?

Please, Internet, make my dreams come true!
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 1:21 PM on May 20, 2004 [1 favorite]


In that distant glorious future when I rule the planet with an iron fist, I'm going to use these techniques to determine who gets dragged away into my Alaskan labor camps.

...anyone so stupid as to make this kind of mistake needs to be forced to break rocks in a bleak deathscape for a few years, so they'll have a chance to really think things over and figure out where they went wrong in life.
posted by aramaic at 1:22 PM on May 20, 2004


(Also, I personally believe that at least 25% of the posts are people who are joking. I have to believe that.)
posted by aramaic at 1:25 PM on May 20, 2004


I really need to get in touch with maury. I really need his help on getting to meet this group.
this group is called B2K i know i'm not the only girl that is obessed with them but i really lemd their music.Every time i hear one of their songs i start to sing too.
everytime they have a concert in town i can't ever go because the tickets get sold out too quick the only reason i ever would want to be famous is to at least say hi to them well i guess i mine as well keep wishing


I am speechless. I mean, I don't want to be a typical MeFi Grammar Marm, but...Dear sweet lord.

A good classroom exercise would be for a teacher to print this out and have her class proofread it. Then again, maybe there's not enough red ink in the world.
posted by ColdChef at 1:29 PM on May 20, 2004 [1 favorite]


FWIW, this is not a link to MY OWN website.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 1:30 PM on May 20, 2004


I love the fact that people sign their posts.

Your freind,
ColdChef
posted by ColdChef at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2004


MetaFilter: HI MAURY, IF YOU EVER SEE THIS OR IF NOT TO WHOEVER SEES THIS I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IVE HAD A HARD LIFE AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW.
posted by ColdChef at 1:35 PM on May 20, 2004


Why do dumb people type in all caps? I've always wondered this. There seems to be a serious correlation between the inability to turn off caps-lock and the desire to get in touch with Maury Povich via some guy's blog.
posted by krunk at 1:35 PM on May 20, 2004


DEAR MAURY, YOU ARE TEH ROX0R! MY RIDE NEEDS PIMPING. CAN YOU PIMP MY RIDE?
posted by octobersurprise at 1:35 PM on May 20, 2004 [1 favorite]


FWIW, this is not a link to MY OWN website.

No, it's a link to Maury's website. What kind of dumbass do you think I am?
posted by COBRA! at 1:36 PM on May 20, 2004 [3 favorites]


At first I thought the letters were all a put on, but I can't believe anybody could make them look that genuine if they were fake. Or something.

Then there's this site, which is being mistaken for what appears to be an automotive-makeover site. (via Matt's a.whole)
posted by SteveInMaine at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2004


I'm almost 15 and my dreams are no where near comming true.

And yet, I remain a fun, funny, cute, quirky, loving and wacky scholar-athlete.
posted by danOstuporStar at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2004


Hi all, I am Maury.

Obviously, I've been baffled for over a year at the people the continuously find my site and think that I'm Maury despite the fact the FIRST SENTENCE OF MY BLOG ENTRY says otherwise. It started with people thinking I had Maury's e-mail address and then quickly became people thinking automatically that I was Maury.

And, believe it or not, there's MORE than what's just on that entry. Dozens of people have clicked my "contact" link and e-mailed me through the web form therein. It got to the point where I added "Dear Maury" as a choice for the subject drop-down list.
posted by laze at 1:42 PM on May 20, 2004


Katie Bug is a bright and spirited nine - year old girl fighting to overcome the challenges of living with Epilepsy, Cerebral Palsy, Mitochondria Disease, Parkinson Disease and White Matter (brain) Disease. Katie requires daily medical care and physical therapy, as well as frequent medical appointments with multiple doctors and treatment centers in the Rochester area. Katie is confined to a wheelchair and requires special accommodations both at home and in modes of transportation.

Fucking hilarious.
posted by alphanerd at 1:44 PM on May 20, 2004


I have a huge collection of disturbing postcards, easy access to a postage machine, and an overwhelming desire to send mail to everyone who posted their address on that thing. God grant me the serenity to refrain from acts of evil.
posted by ColdChef at 1:44 PM on May 20, 2004 [1 favorite]


something similar was mentioned on wholelottanothing, with overhaulin'. also happening with tony hawks email address. all via waxpancake.

on preview, the overhaulin' thing is mentioned above. oh well.
posted by bob sarabia at 1:45 PM on May 20, 2004


It's kinda sad the extent to which society has embraced creepy exhibitionism as a way of getting their problems sorted out...
posted by clevershark at 1:46 PM on May 20, 2004


As a cohort of laze, I can tell you that insofar as either of us knows, the entries are real. People do think they are talking with Maury Povich. They might be put-ons, but they're darn good ones.

The beauty is that he, along with another cohort, set up this faux blog at drunkmenworkhere.org which did lead at least one person over. Well, make that two. Er, three.

You should also see what happened when he got mixed up in Google searches for 'olsen twins nude'.
posted by hijinx at 1:46 PM on May 20, 2004 [1 favorite]


Whoa! Maury!
posted by ColdChef at 1:47 PM on May 20, 2004


hmmmm ... ok ... what kind of person do you think I should pretend to be if I wanted a bunch of young women contacting me for hot naked fun?

On preview, you have a point, clevershark - it is creepy.
posted by pyramid termite at 1:48 PM on May 20, 2004


Maury as Santa figure:

dear maury, i need your help on 11-4 is my mother's birthday and she will be 75 years young. my sister is planing a small birthday day party but i am not able to go. the bottome line is my mother is the kind of mother who has always been there for all of us. even after dad die. she had her health promblem. she puts on a good game face i wish you to get her a car. she on a fixed income and she deserves the very best. if i had it, she would have it. sometimes i sit on the side of my bed and cry because you alway help and come through for people. so i pray that you surprise my mother with a blessing and maury it does not have to be new. we will accept whatever you have for her. with much love phyllis
posted by ColdChef at 1:55 PM on May 20, 2004


Maury as Talent Agent:

I need Maury's email!! That's all I ask!
Maury,
Hi, my name is Mandie Miceli and I will be 15 on Nov.1st. My problem is this: I'm an aspiring actress and have auditioned for my most recent school show. I didn't get a part. I also tried to get a scholarship to Hartford, CT, Drama and Arts school. I was denied. Ever since I learned that those people like cat woman that were just actors dressed that way I've wanted to be just like those people! I told my parents this, but they just laughed and told me it would never happen. This was almost 9 years ago. I've always wanted to be like my 3 heros:Jim Carrey, Orlando Bloom, and Amanda Bynes. Please Maury, help me to do this, help me to achieve my dream!!!
~Mandie

posted by ColdChef at 1:57 PM on May 20, 2004


Best of the web indeed. My favorite is Jenny who posts something about her friend who is in love with Ludacris (!) and then 5 minutes later posts again:

"Maury it's Jenny again ... Listen I really need this.."

I'm crying.

Who cares about the Where's Raed movie, I want to see this on the big screen.
posted by fletchmuy at 2:00 PM on May 20, 2004


Maury as Pimp:

Dear Maury,
Look my bestfriends birthday is coming up on April 18th..and she is in love with Ludacris. Oh my gosh, this girl will not stop talking about him! She wanted to go to his concert but her mother won't let her so she is wishing he can come to her somehow and she is my best friend and all so i really want her to be happy. So Maury all i want is for her to get a chance to see Ludacris and she really hopes she can meet him.

posted by ColdChef at 2:00 PM on May 20, 2004


John from Sore Eyes (might be a member, IIRC) had the exact same thing happen... with Oprah Winfrey. They're actually kinda sad to read. He had to kill commenting on the post eventually because it started freaking him out. That last one from "Wanda" is a killer.
posted by web-goddess at 2:04 PM on May 20, 2004


Maury as Christ:

DEAR MAURY, MY MOM REALLY NEEDS YOUR HELP. SHE HAS BEEN RAISING HER NEICE SINCE SHE WAS 6MOS. OLD AND NOW SHE IS A TROUBLED 161/2 YEAR OLD. SHE LIES CONSTANTLY,RUNS AWAY,TRIES TO GET MY MOM IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW, AND WE BELIEVE SHE IS HAVING SEX WITH OLDER MEN.MY PARENTS TOOK HER IN WHEN HER REAL PARENTS WERE TO FAR OFF ON DRUGS TO CARE FOR HER AND SHE JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE THAT WE LOVE HER WITH ALL OUR HEARTS AND ONLY WANT TO GIVE HER A CHANCE AT LIFE. PLEASE MAURY HELP.MY MOM IS AT THE END OF HER WITS. SHE VERY SICK AND DEALING WITH A TROUBLED TEEN THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE IF SHE LIVES OR DIES ISN'T HELPING HER HEALTH AT ALL. MAURY CAN YOU DO SOMETHING
posted by ColdChef at 2:04 PM on May 20, 2004


My name is geoff. Hi mathowie I have been watching metafilter for 3 years now. My parents gave me a period after my name. This lead to years of my peers claiming the period was "as big as my dick" and "i don't have a brain because I have a period". Plz help me mat! I have also been abused and dont' know my father. if you could give me a lower usr number it would make me and my brother (who was a woman until we found out he was a guy and he also has a bucn hof diseases which make it painful for him to be sarcastic. thx
posted by geoff. at 2:05 PM on May 20, 2004 [1 favorite]


I read about this last month here: "The march of the clueless". It has two other examples, one involving Bill Gates, the other, Dean Kamen, creator of the Segway.
posted by bitpart at 2:07 PM on May 20, 2004


WTF? I'll admit to never having seen his show but I assumed he was like a poor man's Oprah or something like that. Doesn't he just run a talk show? Why are these people asking for financial assistance and bizarre help with ... nonsense?!

Is Maury Povitch really some sort of altruist or something or are these people so stupid they think rich people just help anyone who asks?
posted by dobbs at 2:08 PM on May 20, 2004


I love the one that's REALLY impatient:


*long, long message*

Posted by: Kristen McIntyre on April 22, 2004 08:56 PM


Please email me about my letter at kristennben@webcomet.com or please call me at ***-***-****
This is about my letter that was posted april 22nd 2004 8:56pm thank you

Posted by: Kristen on April 22, 2004 09:03 PM


Christ, Maury, she's been waiting SEVEN MINUTES!
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:09 PM on May 20, 2004


Can we all be thankful that we have tinamarie here to teach us some etiquette?

well courtney go f*** yourself...since it seems you have no life....it may take a while for you to find the hole...but if you are determined you will....and dont forget to lick it before you stick it! just because we are poor now doesnt mean we always were ok....and i guess you know alot about foods for dogs since you are one....how does it taste bitch?
obviously you never had a mother to teach you any manners......so i think you better go eat some more weight watchers and mind you own buisness.


We should send her mom a belated mother's day card for doing such a fine job.

Oh, and could someone please check on Joseph Black and let us know that he hasn't died for lack of inhaling?

Metafilter: Have a sense of irony and 20 minutes handy before clicking.
posted by vignettist at 2:11 PM on May 20, 2004


That's even funnier than the deluge of hits I get to my page whenever the Cheeky Girls put out a new song, because people don't know the difference between "cheeky" and "chicky".
posted by chickygrrl at 2:12 PM on May 20, 2004


Will someone please think of the Maury Povitch Show staff! If this one weblog post is any indication, I'm guessing the actual show has a lot of people trying to contact Maury. They have to deal with this outpouring of humanity on a daily basis. The horror.
posted by fletchmuy at 2:13 PM on May 20, 2004


Can you imagine how much garbage the real Maury Povitch and his ilk (Oprah, Riki Lake etc.) have to wade through?

On preview, what fletchmuy said.
posted by batboy at 2:21 PM on May 20, 2004


Hmm, so if one of us posts a Maury-related entry to one of our weblogs, with comments open, will there be an onslaught of Povichies from all corners of the Web?

Is this something that can be directed, like the Slashdot Effect? Can it be harnessed? First, the weblogs, then... THE WORLD! ::evil laughter::
posted by armage at 2:32 PM on May 20, 2004


Say hi to Grammar Nazi
posted by Nauip at 2:32 PM on May 20, 2004


MMMmmmmm, Cheeky Girls. With pichers and everthin'. You think Maury could get me a date, you know, with both of 'em?
posted by Wulfgar! at 2:35 PM on May 20, 2004


I run a web site that is a directory of religious-related web sites (self link) and we used to frequently get emails that were intended for the sites we link to in our directory. We puzzled for a long time about how so many people could make such mistakes, thinking maybe we had a confusing web site design, etc.

My friend who runs the site with me was really nice. She would try to find the correct target for the email and would send a nice, explanatory message back to the sender. But, with the volume we were getting, that got old pretty fast.

Finally, we just removed the email address that appeared at the bottom of each page. Then we removed the contact form. Now we don't get these types
posted by tippiedog at 2:41 PM on May 20, 2004


I didn't realize this was a web phenomenon, but it's happened to me too. In a very, very very small way. I once posted about how much I hate one particular CBC radio host, and then months later I got a comment on my blog telling him to keep up the good work, and so forth. I was very confused about how some jackass could possibly think I was this CBC radio host since I was trashing him. Now I see it's some kind of selective blindness people have.

Most people are profoundly stupid, aren't they.
posted by Hildegarde at 2:54 PM on May 20, 2004


Holy Sad Fucking Shit, Batman.
posted by scarabic at 2:54 PM on May 20, 2004


This all has a depressing air of familiarity about it. I get so many relentlessly stupid people arrive at my site via Google that leave weird comments. In the last 24 hours I've had a comment on my blog asking me where to buy an elephant and another complaining because the motorcycle through Chernobyl link wasn't working or something, and they are among the more sane the comments.
I think I am going to stop comments being left on posts over a week old.
posted by chill at 2:55 PM on May 20, 2004


Alphanerd, actually... Katie Bug and her multitudes of diseases is a real little girl with all those diseases.

That's what's so weird about reading this thread. It's like.. horribly depressing diseases followed by "help my hair needs straightened can u send me oen of those straightners cause my hair needs straightened and i cant find one i will payY!!1!"

Bizarre.
posted by tittergrrl at 3:09 PM on May 20, 2004


I had Google remove my site from their index after I realized that 90% of the traffic to my site was idiots who wanted information about the movie Hidalgo, but didn't know how to spell it correctly.
posted by Hildago at 3:12 PM on May 20, 2004


I have a totally crass, unprofessional website with "aeroflot" in the address. I don't even have an email address on the site, but a friend who's project I host has one listed in the depths of it. She's gotten two complaints in broken english about the airline.
posted by Mayor Curley at 3:55 PM on May 20, 2004


Similar story. I interviewed Mary Carey, the porn star who ran for governor of California. I got tons of messages from horny men with poor reading comprehension skills posted to my site. At least a few people seemed to recognize that I was not a busty adult movie actress--probably MeFi readers.

Here's a link.
posted by hipnerd at 4:26 PM on May 20, 2004


hmmm.... is this a coworker of anyone?

I want to be on Maury to give my co-webmaster a makeover. His name is Ryan and he dresses like it's 1982. MAURY PLEASE HELP!!! My IM is aol_lover203. thx by
posted by patrickje at 4:43 PM on May 20, 2004


So many people. So much need.
posted by boredomjockey at 4:45 PM on May 20, 2004


I found this one and the overhaulin' one via A Whole Lotta Nothing yesterday and spent a fair amount of my boss's time stifling my laughter. As I said here:

I guess we should be thankful to AOL and WebTV for keeping these people more or less in their own little pretend world and out of the way of those with at least half a brain. It's funny when different worlds collide. Until you realise that these people are breeding like flies, rapidly diluting the gene pool.
posted by dg at 4:57 PM on May 20, 2004


I've had this a few times. In fact, just today someone left a comment on a page of my photolog asking for asbestos removal advice. The photo was named homedepot.jpg.
posted by Nothing at 5:04 PM on May 20, 2004


if you could give me a lower usr number it would make me and my brother (who was a woman until we found out he was a guy and he also has a bucn hof diseases which make it painful for him to be sarcastic

God damn it, geoff., if you're going to make me laugh until I cry and my eyes start hurting and my wife comes down to find out what the hell is going on, I'm going to have to write Maury and ask for help.
posted by languagehat at 5:42 PM on May 20, 2004


I had seen both maury & overhaulin' earlier on Matt's blog, and sure, I had laughed a lot, but the comedy provided on this page so enhances the subject material, I am once again thankful for metafilter, and in specific here, geoff., coldchef and m_c_d. Quality work, people, quality, quality work.
posted by jonson at 9:40 PM on May 20, 2004


Actually, I'm heartened by this. I thought I was alone in experiencing this soft, soft underbelly of the internet. Ever since I posted an MSN rant a couple years back, I have gotten lots of email through my contact form along the lines of "CANT SIGN IN!!!!!!!!" and "XP and MSN help pleeze" and "why cant i chek my email????!!" -- truly troubling.

~

Wow. It's been a long time since I posted to Metafilter. And now with all these celebrities! Hanson, The Olson Twins, MAURY!!!
posted by amanda at 9:52 PM on May 20, 2004


I have the same name as a well-known gospel singer, and I get emails and calls from his fans pretty often. I once got a FedExed invitation to speak at a conference in Texas, which I seriously considered going to because, after all, I was invited. I declined but said I prayed that they'd be blessed with better research skills.

Oh, and I went to high school with Hanson's manager.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:59 PM on May 20, 2004


Hilarious. Here's another one for Bill Gates
posted by wannabehippie at 12:25 AM on May 21, 2004


Step 1: Maury.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: PROFIT!
posted by CountZero at 1:54 AM on May 21, 2004


I once posted about how much I hate one particular CBC radio host

Out of curiosity, which one?


There is no way these are real. ...right?

Well, almost none of them left an e-mail address..
posted by mojo80 at 5:32 AM on May 21, 2004


On the plus side, at least we know the Internet really is as universally accessible as everybody says it is.

It's what the universe does once its gets connected—now that's the problem.
posted by DrJohnEvans at 5:55 AM on May 21, 2004


Oh man. In the Bill Gates letters:

Thank Mr. Gates for the support you have given to public school systems. You have done a great job in helping me understand the internet and how to use difference software.

Too little, too late.
posted by DrJohnEvans at 6:03 AM on May 21, 2004


Oh, I should have mentioned... The name of my small web site development business is Aphids Communications, and I run the web site at aphids.com. I occasionally get people filling out the contact form on our web site requesting information about aphids the insects. Doh!
posted by tippiedog at 7:17 AM on May 21, 2004


I work for a university tech help desk. I don't answer e-mails, but I can read the incoming e-mails. Our admissions office doesn't have an e-mail address, and just started an online application this year. The confirmation e-mail when you submit the application comes from the help desk's address.

The number of people who reply to the confirmation e-mail as though it came from the admissions office is astounding.
posted by oaf at 8:39 AM on May 21, 2004


I think anyone who has ever worked for tech support has already lost their faith in humanity.
posted by mojo80 at 3:02 AM on May 22, 2004


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