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May 30, 2004 8:07 AM   Subscribe

Pros & Cons of Kerry's Veep Choices 14. Ann Coulter, columnist Pro: Flattering position would silence her exposing of the true evil liberal agenda Con: Is composed entirely of spiders and deadly snakes writhing beneath a latex "skin." Courtesy of McSweeneys
posted by leotrotsky (42 comments total)
 
metafilter - composed entirely of spiders and deadly snakes writhing beneath a latex "skin."
posted by pyramid termite at 8:17 AM on May 30, 2004


10. Nancy Pelosi, Representative and House Minority Leader, California

Pro: Could lure disenchanted liberal voters who might otherwise go with Nader

Con: As a liberal, hates America, would make religion illegal, raise taxes by 500 percent, move Capitol to France

posted by gd779 at 9:11 AM on May 30, 2004


[this is good]
posted by cbrody at 9:52 AM on May 30, 2004


Ahh, McSweeney's. No one does "mildly funny" quite like them.
posted by rusty at 9:56 AM on May 30, 2004


21. Matt Haughy

Pro: Universally beloved; gutsy debate style ("You're wrong! No, you're wrong!"); natural campaigner ("We're all in this together."); website administration give Veep Something To Do.

Con: May actually be a dog.
posted by SPrintF at 10:23 AM on May 30, 2004


Arf!
posted by trondant at 10:51 AM on May 30, 2004


22. Cthulhu, High Priest of the Great Old Ones

Pro: As a being of immense and terrible power he can destroy all who oppose Kerry and demolish his way to the WH.

Con: His vengeance is difficult to contain once unleashed. He has the head of a squid.
posted by euphorb at 11:18 AM on May 30, 2004


Nader: to keep people from voting for Nater as presidential candidate and add some 6% vote to whatever Kerry might get.
posted by Postroad at 11:37 AM on May 30, 2004


23. Rusty Foster, Founder of Kuro5hin & the possibly imaginary Collaborative Media Foundation.

Pro: Used to not doing much around the office.

Con: Easily riled by Photoshopped pictures
posted by keswick at 12:06 PM on May 30, 2004


#4: Bill Clinton:
Pros: Oh man, that would be awesome—could you imagine? He'd be all like Yeah, I'm back, so suck on this, y'all and everyone would be all No way and he'd be all Way.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 12:50 PM on May 30, 2004


#476
Ollie R. Ordnung.

Pro: he is a pro

Con: he is a con
posted by clavdivs at 2:19 PM on May 30, 2004


Yeah, I saw this a couple days ago; Good stuff.
posted by kaibutsu at 2:31 PM on May 30, 2004


Thanks for sharing ;)
posted by abcde at 3:24 PM on May 30, 2004


George Bush 41

Pro: Somewhat fiscally conservative and CIA experience could be boon for the terror issue. Bush == money.

Con: 100% chance this will provoke a bad made for tv movie about a father vs a son with that damn Cat Stevens song playing every five minutes.
posted by skallas at 3:28 PM on May 30, 2004


53. A microwave oven
Pros: During the debate, can turn itself on and totally zap Cheney's pacemaker.
Cons: Cheney may not actually have a heart.
posted by Space Coyote at 4:01 PM on May 30, 2004


Hey, it turns out none of us are as funny as the people who wrote that article!
posted by jonson at 4:08 PM on May 30, 2004


19. Fourteen dogs from Ohio; Ohio

Pro: Everyone loves dogs, each dog could be different, like one's a mean dog and one's a cute dog and one wears glasses and looks like a computer-whiz dog, could deliver swing state
Con: So many dogs could mean diluted message, can't talk
Hahaha! Good stuff.
posted by DyRE at 4:24 PM on May 30, 2004


Wonderful. Thanks.
posted by squirrel at 5:47 PM on May 30, 2004


76: Cat Stevens
Pros: Peace Train would work really well for the left, Moonshadow is a camp favorite on the right. Morning is Broken would be a wicked cool inauguration anthem.
Cons: Conversion to Islam could pose a slight political liability right now.
posted by weston at 6:39 PM on May 30, 2004


20. Jesus, Messiah, Nazareth ... Con: Mythical

Call me a fundie killjoy, but that last punchline, "Mythical," really rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, there's this whole body of religious, historical, and literary thought to draw on, plus Jesus jokes galore, rapture-crazy followers, the whole Merovingian dynasty myth, and the best he can come up with is this one-worded, skeptical jab at the faith? It's as though he'd written, "21. Mathowie. Pro: Metafilter founder, etc. Cons: jerk." Strikes me as hamfisted and off-base. And I'd even think that if I were still an atheist.

On the other hand, I'm pleased to see Ashton Kutcher receive like treatment in #17. Okay, I'll stop now.
posted by brownpau at 8:03 PM on May 30, 2004


Oversentive killjoy sounds about right.

Man, some of you can't handle any criticism of your precious Jeebus.
posted by skallas at 8:09 PM on May 30, 2004


Oh, don't be such a skallas. If you read carefully, it's not the fact that criticism is being leveled on Christ so much as the fact that, of all the funny, witty, informed things that could possibly be put in the "Cons:" list for a good Jesus joke, "Mythical" is pretty low on the list. I expected better of McSweeney's. That's all I have to say on that, really. It's a funny article and a good thread. I'll ruin it no further.
posted by brownpau at 8:39 PM on May 30, 2004


Dunno, mythical seemed fine to me. That's the con, he's non-existant so you really can't run with him. Also, there's something to be said about simple wit as opposed to long drawn out gags.
posted by skallas at 8:43 PM on May 30, 2004


True, true. As I said, it worked with the Ashton Kutcher item.
posted by brownpau at 8:47 PM on May 30, 2004


I think Ann Coulter fits under "mythical" as well. She's just a parody of the right, in the same way that Tony Clifton was a parody of lounge singers.
posted by clevershark at 8:51 PM on May 30, 2004


This is a good list though conspicuously missing is Bill Richardson.

Pro: former Cabinet secretary, U.N. ambassador, member of Congress and a Hispanic executive from the Southwest.
Con: He's brown?
posted by BentPenguin at 8:52 PM on May 30, 2004


My favorite was Paul Tsongas

Cons: Died in 1997
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 9:04 PM on May 30, 2004


A con for Richardson: he's from New Mexico, so he could only bring 5 electoral votes in from a state which seems likely to go Dem anyway (it did in 2000 by a very slim margin).
posted by clevershark at 9:19 PM on May 30, 2004


How about Gore? Seriously.
posted by skallas at 9:34 PM on May 30, 2004


I love Gore, but I think he'd be a bad choice this time out. Too much baggage, and too tied in with Clinton.

"but we love Clinton!" say us libs, but...

Moderate Republican (My dad): Hates Clinton, disappointed by Bush on the war, economy, gay rights, May abstain or vote for Kerry. If Gore gets in, no chance of a Kerry vote, may even vote Bush. Gore hurts us with him.

Too small a sample to mean anything really, but I don't think my father is an isolated case. Gore deserves the office he fairly won, but let him wait to 2012 to try to claim it.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 9:46 PM on May 30, 2004


I've got to agree with JKF. Gore is a tool, I never liked him, and this whole "yelling/screaming" thing hes doing now is just played out. I wish he'd go away.
posted by delmoi at 9:58 PM on May 30, 2004


why is there an apostraphy in "Punk'd"? Why wouldn't the past-tense form of Punk (as a verb) simply be 'punked'?
posted by delmoi at 10:01 PM on May 30, 2004


1449. Britney Spears

Pro - It would be great to have a good-looking vice president.

Con - She might sing.
posted by pyramid termite at 11:01 PM on May 30, 2004


delmoi: yes, yes it would. But try telling that to Ashton Kutcher.
posted by scody at 1:39 AM on May 31, 2004


0. Al Gore
- Pros: Environmentally friendly, invented the Internet, won in 2000.
- Cons: Not 3-Laws-safe.
posted by brownpau at 2:27 AM on May 31, 2004


why is there an apostraphy in "Punk'd"?

It's Shakespearean!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:38 AM on May 31, 2004


981651. Nicky Santoro from "Casino"
- Pros: Actually uses a vice. Persuasive. Would probably kill entire press corps.
- Cons: opposes Kyoto.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 6:03 AM on May 31, 2004


this whole "yelling/screaming" thing hes doing now

Gore has always done the "yelling/screaming thing"--at least as far back as the '92 campaign. It feels "new" because it doesn't jibe with how the media has trained you to think of him.
posted by jpoulos at 7:16 AM on May 31, 2004


Methinks there's a bug in the GoreBot OS these days. Now he's not only resembling the unabomber on the outside anymore...
posted by dagny at 10:56 AM on May 31, 2004


0. Al Gore
- Pros: Environmentally friendly, invented the Internet, won in 2000.

- Cons: Tipper.
posted by arto at 8:59 PM on May 31, 2004


bill nelson - florida

you heard it here first.
posted by specialk420 at 10:48 PM on May 31, 2004


bill nelson - florida

you heard it here first.


I'm not having some filthy astronaut one heartbeat away from the presidency.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:17 AM on June 1, 2004


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