Cuddle parties

July 22, 2004 1:03 AM

In the "it takes all kinds" category, Cuddle Parties. After all, nothing says "No dry humping" like a thong.
posted by fvw (89 comments total)

Via the ever interesting monkeyfilter.
posted by fvw at 1:04 AM on July 22, 2004

We are touch-and-snuggle deprived. Our need for touch has gotten so packed down and warped and pressurized that we fear its release.

True, but this still seems a bit, well, weird somehow.
posted by dg at 1:26 AM on July 22, 2004

At a Cuddle Party, erections become Mother Nature's way of giving us the thumbs-up sign.

Thumbs-up, fellas!
posted by kjh at 1:26 AM on July 22, 2004

I have known many people for whom this would be the greatest thing they could try. I've also known many that I don't think would be very good at sticking by the rules.

I think the folks at Cuddle Party are quite right in their idea that people are deprived and weird about simple touch--At least in some western cultures. I hesitate to name names because I'm not sure. It's not only USians. And then, some are huggers anyhow.

Apart from that, I think it sounds like it could be great fun. Cuddles are wonderful even when entirely unrelated to having sex or sex partners. If you think its too "touchy/feely" then you are someone who probably SHOULD go.
posted by Goofyy at 1:43 AM on July 22, 2004

I'm not seeing this whole cuddle-deprived thing. Friends (male and female) always seem to be asking for cuddles, or giving me them.

Maybe I just look gay, or something.

That said, despite the fact that I'm, erm, "cuddle-comfortable", the idea of a Cuddle Party creeps me right out.
posted by reklaw at 1:57 AM on July 22, 2004

Platonic orgies........
posted by kenaman at 2:51 AM on July 22, 2004

It all makes me feel kind of dirty (even the phrase cuddle party makes me cringe).

But then I'm English and so physical contact is only just above crucifixion on the list of things we enjoy.

That said I've been involved in many a cuddle party, but only after all involved have drunk at least ten pints.
posted by ciderwoman at 3:09 AM on July 22, 2004

ciderwoman: After not turning up at the meetup, that claim has lost all credibility. Sorry.
posted by fvw at 3:15 AM on July 22, 2004

Damn ravers
posted by TungstenChef at 3:42 AM on July 22, 2004

With my friends, sure I can see this. Going to a 'party' where i am to meet people and then have them rub up against me cuddle is bit past my comfortable stage. I think of the parties I go to and the I want to run away from, having this happen would not be a good thing.
posted by fluffycreature at 4:17 AM on July 22, 2004

"Endless Summer Spooning Special: Bring a friend and only pay $20 each! Save $20 and cuddle with a friend too!
* Announcing the Cuddle Party Cuddle Gear store, where you can find everything you need to proclaim your Cuddle Monster status to the world.
* Cuddle Party Gift Certificates are now available. Buy a bunch for yourself and save, or give them to your cuddly friends!" - I think this is primarily a canny business and marketing venture.
posted by troutfishing at 4:45 AM on July 22, 2004

Come in your pyjamas.
posted by biffa at 5:13 AM on July 22, 2004

This whole idea makes me want to run away screaming. Possibly this is a sign that my natural instincts are repressed ot something, but I like to think it's more that random strange adults deliberately touching each other is not a good thing.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:38 AM on July 22, 2004

This will never take off in New England. We don't even make contact when we make change. And that's the way I likes it!

You'd never suggest a cuddle party here. I believe you'd get your ass kicked saying something like that, man.
posted by Mayor Curley at 6:16 AM on July 22, 2004

Don't. Touch. Me.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 6:26 AM on July 22, 2004

Since Cuddle Parties are safe spaces for adults to explore and practice affectionate touch without sexualizing it, and since the state of arousal is natural for us human beings, it's no surprise that erections sometimes do occur. Our goal is not to teach men how not to get erections. Instead, we want to make normal functions and needs of human beings seem, well, "normal." We strive not only to free people of the awkwardness surrounding arousal, but to allow them to develop some real coordination around it. At a Cuddle Party, erections become Mother Nature's way of giving us the thumbs-up sign. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's dirty. Nothing's suspect. And as long as you're not dry humping anyone (Rule #7), it's completely okay. Really.

*boggles*

Still, quite a cool idea but then I'm very touchy feely and love cuddling people.
posted by dmt at 6:35 AM on July 22, 2004

Sounds like blue balls central. I enjoy a good hug as much as anyone, but this would be guaranteed to send a man home sexually frustrated, and trust me, your average young man has enough of that in his life without going to a party to get a goodie bag full, thankyouverymuch. It must have been a woman who came up with this.
posted by jonmc at 6:48 AM on July 22, 2004

I'm with you jonmc. I'd rather fuck anyway.

sorry, had to say that
posted by tr33hggr at 6:51 AM on July 22, 2004

heh.

These people should do what real men do when they want non sexual touching.

Start a bar fight.
posted by jonmc at 6:57 AM on July 22, 2004 [1 favorite]

When I'm not in a relationship, the thing I most deeply miss is touching another person. Aside from very infrequent visits with out-of-town immediate family and relatives with whom touching is okay (all children and female, by the way) I don't touch anyone, ever, if I'm not in a relationship. And I'm pretty tactile, too. I like being connected that way. It can be sexual, but it's not usually sexual.

It might be deeply buried homophobia, or more likely just my upbringing, but I'm not comfortable touching other men, mostly. I don't really like to hug men, even the people closest to me. My best friend (who's gay) and I have been really close for fourteen years, but we will perhaps hug each other once or twice a year because of a special circumstance. (A personal tragedy, possibly; more likely just a friendly going-out-of-town-see-ya-later hug.) I've often thought it'd be really nice if we could be cuddly in a friendly way, like, say, maybe two women might do, or whatever. But I'm strongly conditioned not to like male touching. My dad was very not tactile. And my mom stopped hugging or touching me when I reached pre-adolescence or so, as is common with many young boys and their mothers.

On the other hand, I have a younger sister who is ten years my junior, and from the moment she was born, she sort of became cuddle-central for the whole family. I sometimes think that all three of us (my parents and myself) would hold and hug her as a subsitute for showing affection to each other. Of course, we all loved her very much, too.

Anyway, I have two cousins which are the only children I have as relatives right now, and when I'm around them I can't resist a touch to the top of their heads or whatever. It probably drives them nuts.

When I was eighteen, I became close friends with a young woman who was very, very tactile with everyone close to her. At first, it really bothered me, she was invading my space. Shortly, though, I came to really appreciate it. I've since always thought that it's better for people to touch each other than not and the anglo-american fear of touching people, even when we're close to them, is not healthy.

The cuddle parties above seem to be at least partly sexual, and of course they are. I mean, cuddling with someone who's whatever your orientation and is attractive to you is going to result, often, in sexual arousal. But I just think there should be ways in which people are in touch, physically, with other people more in our culture.

I've wondered about the old-style dance halls and that part of the appeal of that dancing was that you actually touched your dance partner. It was contact.

Anyway, I'll shut up now. Just had some random thoughts about this. :)

Oh, also, I like the idea because, um, I don't actually like sexual, naked, cuddling very much because I have sensitive skin and sticky naked skin drives me nuts. I like to cuddle before/after sex for just about as long as it takes for my skin to start being itchy. But I like the idea of clothed cuddling for that reason. Much less sweaty and sticky and itchy. For me, anyway.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 6:59 AM on July 22, 2004

Or play rugby. The result is the same.
posted by tommasz at 7:00 AM on July 22, 2004

Safe space to experience and explore rejection

Sounds like a new MeFi tagline to me!
posted by greensweater at 7:14 AM on July 22, 2004

One of the benefits of being a "theater person": lots of hugging, platonic touching, etc.

Well, and, when we were all younger -- sleeping with nearly everyone you worked with. That's nice, too.
posted by papercake at 7:14 AM on July 22, 2004

Safe space to experience and explore rejection

Right. Again, news-flash cuddle-geeks, go sell rejection somewhere else. Most of us are full up.

Plus, the logic makes no sense: if you can't handle being rejected for sex, you're supposed to feel better when someone dosen't even want to hug you?
posted by jonmc at 7:19 AM on July 22, 2004

A shrink would have a field day with some of the responses here...
posted by rushmc at 7:19 AM on July 22, 2004

[Freud]

Hmm, I sense avoidance in rushmc's response. Must be some trauma during toilet training.

[/Freud]
posted by jonmc at 7:23 AM on July 22, 2004

Remember when you were six years old, and you and your cousins all crawled into the top bunk and squealed and squirmed until your parents came in and had to quiet you all down?


Um, no?

I love to cuddle (icky word) another person, but a group? Of strangers? Not so much.
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:34 AM on July 22, 2004

Plus, the logic makes no sense: if you can't handle being rejected for sex, you're supposed to feel better when someone dosen't even want to hug you?

I think the logic is more like: if you get enough people in a room desperate for affection, everyone's going to get cuddled.
posted by papercake at 7:38 AM on July 22, 2004

that may be, papercake, but the sentence was "a safe place to experience and explore rejection," which just sounds like something of a ludicrous and pathetic proposition, NTM it acknowledges that like the proverbial guy in a whorehouse with a fistful of hundreds, there's people who will get rejected even at a cuddle party.
posted by jonmc at 7:42 AM on July 22, 2004

Finally! I have an insider connection to something posted on MeFi! A friend of mine went to high school with Ms. Cuddle Party (and my college roommate went to high school with a girl who slept with Jon Bon Jovi, and my stepfather lived with the brother of the guitar player in Scandal, but I digress), and we were actually talking about this last weekend!

troutfishing: I think this is primarily a canny business and marketing venture.

And that's exactly what the high school friend said, too.
posted by jennyb at 7:55 AM on July 22, 2004

I think the idea that we need to touch and be touched in non-sexual ways more often is absolutely correct. We live increasingly isolated lives and the simple act of connecting with others on a physical level would do wonders in making people want to understand each other more, to share more, to accept others more.

However, I don't think that paying money to cuddle with total strangers is necessarily the way to go. Learning to be more intimate (in a non-sexual way) and more vulnerable with the people already in our lives seems to me to be what this is all about. Maybe for some, cuddling strangers is the first step. Either way, more connection between people can only be a good thing. Cuddle on.
posted by widdershins at 7:55 AM on July 22, 2004

With drugs, this might be a good idea. Light shrooms, or the more obvious ecstasy would be perfect. Without drugs -- creepy.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:56 AM on July 22, 2004

There was an article/first hand experience on Cuddle Parties in Nerve last month. While I found it rather weird, it's an interesting read.

It's objectively odd that this idea seems so 'out there' because we live lives so devoid of human contact.
posted by sinical at 8:00 AM on July 22, 2004

I completely agree with the benefits of and need for non-sexual touch. I love cuddling my daughter. But:

It might be deeply buried homophobia, or more likely just my upbringing, but I'm not comfortable touching other men, mostly.

That's the sticking point for me--like most guys, I think, I've got a thing about touching other men other than in the accepted handshake/slap on the back areas. Think about it: two women travelling will gladly share the single available bed, no problem. Guys? Forget it--you'd rather sleep on the floor because you're both afraid you wake up and find that you're touching the other guy. Hell, when a male friend and I walking down the street accidentally touch hands we immediately withdraw and make loud jokey macho noises to reassure the other that it wasn't intentional.

At a Cuddle Party, erections become Mother Nature's way of giving us the thumbs-up sign.

Ohhh no. Just no.

/Just kidding--I'll be there in my custom turtle thong ;-)
posted by Turtles all the way down at 8:09 AM on July 22, 2004

It's objectively odd that this idea seems so 'out there' because we live lives so devoid of human contact.

Ride the N train during rush hour on a hot day. You'll never need human contact ever again, trust me.
posted by jonmc at 8:12 AM on July 22, 2004

holy shit, troutfishing, I was sure "endless summer spooning special" etc was your little joke. This is unbelievable...

I like to show affection to people I care about, and I even enjoy some amount of touching of people I hardly know in certain contexts - like a judo class, eg. But this kind of artificial planned cuddling just seems bizarre and pointless.
posted by mdn at 8:14 AM on July 22, 2004

But don't we all come to MeFi as it's the only way we can talk to other people without them being unable to keep their hands off us?
posted by biffa at 8:16 AM on July 22, 2004

Isn't this company just a bunch of cuddle pimps, where the customers double as the hookers?

I think I'm going to have to use "cuddle pimp" more often.
posted by Orange Goblin at 8:19 AM on July 22, 2004

Orgy-Lite
posted by Dukebloo at 8:20 AM on July 22, 2004

accidentally touch hands we immediately withdraw and make loud jokey macho noises to reassure the other that it wasn't intentional

"Why are you holding my hand?"
"Where's your other hand?"
"Between two pillows."
"Those aren't pillows!"
Planes, Trains & Automobiles
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:20 AM on July 22, 2004

Actually, turtles, I don't have a problem with sharing a bed with another man in a situation like that. I've not done it that often, but inadvertent touching has never been a problem. I dimly recall that sometime someone might have rolled over and pressed against me or something, but a gentle shove or whatever takes care of that.

This is why, for me, I don't think it's homophobia. Your last example certainly doesn't apply to me. Although, probably, it did when I was a teenager.No, I just feel very awkward and uncomfortable touching another man. Men in my immediate and extended family never touched each other. They didn't/don't hug, even.

When I was visiting family and stuff on vacation a few weeks ago, I spent a couple of days with a woman that's an old friend, and is the niece of the man that my mother married ten years ago. Actually, I was the first boy she ever kissed when she was eight and I was nine. I've always been sort of attracted to her, but it's never been clear, actually, if she was attracted to me at all. I'm extremely cautious, too. Anyway, late one night at her house after talking for several hours, I asked if she'd like to cuddle on the couch. I was actually pretty indifferent as to whether it was or would be sexual or not, but her response (very kind response) was that, to her, it definitely would be sexual and she wasn't comfortable with it. It kinda bummed me out, not really because of sexual rejection (which was interesting, I guess I'm too old to take that sort of thing that seriously), but just because we're both fond of each other, both lonely right now, and a little cuddling would have been nice. She's pretty old-fashioned in how she thinks about sex and relationships, though, so I think for her, as it was for me when I was younger, any touch between a man and a woman in that context would be necessarily highly sexualized.

I was seeing someone for a short while around January, and although getting laid was really nice, what I enjoyed most was holding hands and cuddling on the couch while watching movies. And sleeping in a bed with someone. That's cool, too.

So, as you can see, while I like sex a lot, I'm really a lot happier just having physical, affectionate contact in my life. I don't know how many other people are like me, but it seems a shame that for many of us, it's either be in a sexual relationship or no physical contact with anyone else almost at all. My sense is that isn't healthy.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:30 AM on July 22, 2004

hmm. i wonder if we could get this at a group rate for the next NYC metafilter meetup....












kidding
posted by Stynxno at 8:33 AM on July 22, 2004

I'm really a lot happier just having physical, affectionate contact in my life. I don't know how many other people are like me, but it seems a shame that for many of us, it's either be in a sexual relationship or no physical contact with anyone else almost at all.

Yup. Totally agree.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 8:36 AM on July 22, 2004

Hmm, I think it's a cool idea. I mean how close are we getting to that vision of the future presented in so many books and movies where one goes through their day without touching anyone. A machine serves your lunch, plays your music and entertains you, people have a closer relationship with their computer, office chair or their car than another person. I agree with their assesment that most people could use more touching, especially those who think it's a bad idea.

On preview, I wonder if a MeFi cuddle party wouldn't cure all manner of ills around here, of course it would be awfully quiet without all the debate, so probably best not. (and they do offer private parties BTW)
posted by milovoo at 8:36 AM on July 22, 2004

Hey, I'm more desperate for human contact than most people you'll ever meet -- but I'm not so desperate that I'd snuggle up to complete strangers.

It's just . . . creepy.

I don't know why, but the idea weirds me out, and it's not the guy-guy thing either. Maybe it's a function of living in a large city, where most physical contact with strangers is entirely unwelcome.
posted by aramaic at 8:42 AM on July 22, 2004

I do dislike the word cuddle though, I keep thinking of milk that's gone off, and that's not conducive to happy touch.

How about if it were called a platonic amateur lap-dance, maybe that would that make it more palatable?
posted by milovoo at 8:49 AM on July 22, 2004

On preview, I wonder if a MeFi cuddle party wouldn't cure all manner of ills around here,

Well, it would make it easier to lift wallets...

kidding...
posted by jonmc at 8:54 AM on July 22, 2004

that may be, papercake, but the sentence was "a safe place to experience and explore rejection," which just sounds like something of a ludicrous and pathetic proposition, NTM it acknowledges that like the proverbial guy in a whorehouse with a fistful of hundreds, there's people who will get rejected even at a cuddle party.

I forgot to add the implied asterisk to my "Get enough people in a room and everyone's bound to get cuddled" logic which reads something like: "Except for those people who aren't going to get cuddled due to an inability to socialize, sorry state of hygiene, or who unfortunately cross that line into Not Attractive Enough To Even Cuddle. But, hey, at least you're not being turned down for sex!"
posted by papercake at 9:02 AM on July 22, 2004

Are there any hygiene problems that can't be cured by a good hot shower and standard deodorant?
Oozing sores, I guess, but seriously, I'll bet most people here are cuddle platonic amateur lap-dance-able
Plus, PJs are very flattering to most body types.
posted by milovoo at 9:07 AM on July 22, 2004

"Except for those people who aren't going to get cuddled due to an inability to socialize, sorry state of hygiene, or who unfortunately cross that line into Not Attractive Enough To Even Cuddle."

Who are the people most likely to be "starved for human contact," and thus most likely to be "helped" by these shenanigans.

More likely this is up there with speed dating and hot tubbing as another stupid fad for pretty hipsters.
posted by jonmc at 9:11 AM on July 22, 2004

hipsters hot-tub?

I thought that was hippies.
posted by milovoo at 9:14 AM on July 22, 2004

hippies were hipsters. although they did have bad hygeine. But then again so do I.
posted by jonmc at 9:17 AM on July 22, 2004

Late to the party but I'm weighing in anyway. Cuddle parties are creepy. The idea of hugging strangers is disturbing but then, I live in a town where bathing is an unlikely way for most to start their days.

And I'm with jonmc on this one. Its like going to a strip club where the strippers wear clothes but you can hug them. Cuddle Parties could very easily be renamed Hide-Your-Boner Parties.

There's no way in hell I'd ever be interested in going to one unless they give away lots of free X on the way in, the people there are athletic, healthy and beautiful and I'm single again. In the meantime, I think I'll go have a Cuddle Party in my dreams. Where there is no ugly, no stinky and no screechy.
posted by fenriq at 9:19 AM on July 22, 2004

Most of us don't pick up somebody at the bar for a one-night cuddle.
What?!? The bizare part is you pay for a cuddle.
posted by thomcatspike at 9:19 AM on July 22, 2004

it seems the next logical step would be to make these sessions more politically motivated; ie. 'Cuddle Humpers for Kerry'
posted by jazzkat11 at 9:24 AM on July 22, 2004

I'm with you jonmc. I'd rather fuck anyway.

tr33hggr: You don't sound very touchy-feely for being a hugger of trees. Of course the bark is kind of rough on the skin. And dry humping can be very dry indeed.

However I must concur. The cuddle parties would seem to work best for girls who are too afraid of being hurt, combined with guys who are unable to get any play (for whatever reason). It's not a bad thing, but why snack on an appetizer when you could have a whole meal... Also, the whole scenario seems to lend itself to jealousy, hurt feelings, cliques, shunning, etc.

Some people will definitely benefit from this... but I hope not to be in a position where I would need to.
posted by TreeHugger at 9:31 AM on July 22, 2004

I mean how close are we getting to that vision of the future presented in so many books and movies where one goes through their day without touching anyone.

God, I can only hope that we're close. Soon after that day, hopefully, comes the one where we don't have to talk to anybody. That's really what I'm praying for.
posted by ChasFile at 9:41 AM on July 22, 2004

I find the reactions here amusing. How many of those who are creeped out by cuddling strangers have no problem with the idea of fucking strangers (provided they are attractive enough)?
posted by beth at 9:42 AM on July 22, 2004

I find the reactions here amusing. How many of those who are creeped out by cuddling strangers have no problem with the idea of fucking strangers (provided they are attractive enough)?

That is an interesting observation on so many different levels.

I can see it because one of my best mental health purchases in college was a stuffed animal that provided a nice alternative to a string of really bad one-night stands.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:50 AM on July 22, 2004

I've always been sort of attracted to her, but it's never been clear, actually, if she was attracted to me at all... I was actually pretty indifferent as to whether it was or would be sexual or not, but her response (very kind response) was that, to her, it definitely would be sexual and she wasn't comfortable with it. It kinda bummed me out

Yeah, but that could be because she can sense that you're attracted to her, and so kind of doesn't believe (not that she thinks you're purposefully lying, but just doesn't feel it's really true) that it's totally non-sexual on your end. Read the beginning of that nerve article, where the guy goes on about the secret sexual pleasure he got being invited to girly slumber parties when he was a kid. Guess what: lotsa girls catch on to this. A lot of experiences with "dirty old men" or sexually uncomfortable offices, etc, are not outrightly sexual - someone doesn't have to pinch your bum or put a hand on your inner thigh to communicate some kind of sexual energy (the light touching that occurs between people when they start dating exemplifies this). Point is, cuddling with someone attracted to you, when you are not attracted back, is often a bad idea and can be uncomfortable.

I think the logic is more like: if you get enough people in a room desperate for affection, everyone's going to get cuddled.

according to the nerve article, they had to practice rejecting one another before things officially began. However the author doesn't actually share a story of rejection, giving or taking, so who knows if the "safe space" theory could apply here. A "safe space" for rejection does seem like a completely bizarre idea (I always thought the "safe space" idea was that you were guaranteed not to have to face rejection there...)
posted by mdn at 10:00 AM on July 22, 2004

How many of those who are creeped out by cuddling strangers have no problem with the idea of fucking strangers (provided they are attractive enough)?

There are different levels of intimacy. Cuddling is showing more emotion than fucking. But it does make me wonder if any severe premature ejaculators have shown up to these parties.
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:15 AM on July 22, 2004

Heh, I think one of the reasons I'm suspicious of this is because I knew way too many creepy "nice guys" who did the whole "wanna backrub" thing to get with women.

I've found two general rules to be true:
1: Anybody who claims to be a nice guy, usually is not.
2: Anybody who claims to be a nice guy and whines about a lack of attention, almost certainly is not a nice guy.

This sort of thing seems like it would attract people who violate those rules.

I think the creepiness of this comes from separating this out from the normal context in which friendly cuddling occurs.

mdn: It doesn't seem to be that odd to me. Part of the conception of a safe space in my mind is that someone can say "yes" or "no" without anything weird happening.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 10:20 AM on July 22, 2004

Yeah, but that could be because she can sense that you're attracted to her, and so kind of doesn't believe (not that she thinks you're purposefully lying, but just doesn't feel it's really true) that it's totally non-sexual on your end.

You're of course completely right about this.

Part of what was going on is that I just don't think about sex and all that stuff between men and women the way I used to. Most of the inherent conflict that came with it at adolescence just sort of faded away sometime in my twenty years of adulthood. I do have my issues about sex and relationships, but they're not the whole "will I get laid, why won't she have sex with me, what does this mean?, oh my god" fraught-with-fear-and-momentously-important issues.

I wrongly assume that other people around my age feel the same way about these things. But for many, the issues surrounding dating and sex are not much different at all then they were during adolescence.

On Preview: KJS, I never pursued any sort of affection that way (offering "innocent" backrubs) with women. That's because, frankly, when I was younger there wouldn't have been anything remotely innocent about it. Anything that was sneaky really repulsed me for whatever reasons. I was the sort (and still am) that simply asked if a girl wanted to have sex. Oddly enough, I did have sex as a teen and older, at least every once in a while, so that way of going about things worked out okay. Anyway, the facts that I'm still pretty straightforward but that now I wouldn't really have ulterior motives (or, rather, I wanted to cuddle for its own sake and would have been completely cool if it had led to sex or not led to sex, either way) is why I actually was able to ask if she wanted to cuddle. Because, you know, I really was perfectly willing to "just" cuddle. Frankly, per what I wrote above, that would have been the more meaningful thing to me anyway.

This makes me think the "erections are nature's thumb's up" deal with these folks is actually pretty healthy. What's probably creeping people out here is the sort of dishonesty you're talking about. People that claim to want to only cuddle but really want to fuck. Well, by allowing that the experience runs the gamut from platonic to sexual, and providing an explicit mechanism for dealing with it, I think they're doing the right thing to defuse or eliminate that duplicitous "yuck" factor. If you're comfortable with it being sexual, then fine. If you're not, then also fine.

God, I don't want to sound newagey. Those people freak me out.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 10:55 AM on July 22, 2004

KirkJobSluder, get out of my mind. Your post outlines the argument for "creepy" that I was giving my SO, right down to the guys who offer "free" back rubs as a deceptive foot in the door to physical intimacy. Neat.
posted by jennyb at 11:20 AM on July 22, 2004

How many of those who are creeped out by cuddling strangers have no problem with the idea of fucking strangers

*raises hand*
posted by dhoyt at 11:42 AM on July 22, 2004

Anybody who claims to be a nice guy, usually is not.

This is why I always tell women I'm an evil bastard.
posted by Jart at 11:51 AM on July 22, 2004

Beth, I'm not creeped out, I just think the whole thing is dumb and phony. It's like the "key parties" of the seventies, but without the pay-off of actual sex and a lot of pseudo-sensitive babble for the emo-kiddies who probably flock to these things. And like the key parties, it's faddish clubbiness disguising itself as liberation.
posted by jonmc at 12:01 PM on July 22, 2004

EB: What's probably creeping people out here is the sort of dishonesty you're talking about. People that claim to want to only cuddle but really want to fuck.

Well, at least the "nice guys" for the nice guys I knew that did the backrub thing, I'm not certain that one could say that they wanted to fuck. I think what was creeping my female friends out so much was that the backrub itself was sexual for these guys. Many of these people were the same folks who jumped into the whole polyamory with both feet later as well.

I think that there is a good point here that too many people seem to have the illusion of erection=wanna have sex.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 12:12 PM on July 22, 2004

TreeHugger - hee hee. :)

In all honesty, I'm a very touchy feely guy, and I think a cuddle party (with strangers, only maybe, but with some people I know for sure) would be cool. BUT I know as soon as it started it'd be all about sex for me.
posted by tr33hggr at 12:16 PM on July 22, 2004

You'd think sexual arousal necessarily means wanting to have sex. But sexual arousal is both mental and physical. In rape counseling, for both men and women, a not-uncommon and delicate subject is what's termed "body betrayal". It's not uncommon for victims of sexual assault to have their bodies respond in some fashion. That's because a good portion of it is automatic. This is usually a very secret (but completely unwarranted) "shame" for female rape survivors; with the relatively rare yet nevertheless existent female on male rape, it's explicit and the "joke" is that a man can't be raped by a woman, which is false.

There are mysterious emotional things going in arousal, too. I've found, to my horror, that occasionally I'll get a nascent erection in extreme emotionally intimate situations with my partner where she is very upset and vulnerable and I'm comforting her. Sex is the last thing on my mind, but somewhere deep in my brain that level of intimacy must be some sort of a turn-on.

And then there's just the general point I think you were making. Even if one is sexually aroused, that's a far cry from actually wanting to engage in actual sex with someone. These primary signs of sexual arousal for men and women are involuntary, after all.

Of course with men, it's obvious. I sometimes think that women are very unaware of the psychology about this that begins for young men at adolescence. At that age, a young man gets erections all the damn time, for no reason. Most of us lived in a certain amount of constant fear of getting an erection at the worst time, in public. Like while giving a class presentation or something. Gah! I can't speak for other men, but for myself I'll say that from that time on I've always resented my penis a little bit for seemingly having a mind of its own and either publicly or secretely embarrassing me. It only stands to reason that, among a bunch of people cuddling with other, some will get involunarily sexually aroused and it simply doesn't indicate that they want to have sex with anyone present.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:36 PM on July 22, 2004

Hm. Guess I'm just a simple guy.

When I'm getting a "thumbs-up" from nature, I generally want to hitch a ride.
posted by papercake at 12:43 PM on July 22, 2004

They seem to be really big on this no dry humping thing. Like, really big on it. Like, maybe hung up on it.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 1:39 PM on July 22, 2004

At that age, a young man gets erections all the damn time, for no reason.

It's because the young man's body is shooting him full of testosterone several times a day.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:09 PM on July 22, 2004

More likely this is up there with speed dating and hot tubbing

Brilliant, Brain! Speed cuddling!!! Patent it now while you still can.
posted by rushmc at 2:40 PM on July 22, 2004

I feel a little odd posting this after 70+ declarations of creeped-outedness, but I am EXACTLY the type of person this was created for. Seriously. I laughed out loud in joy when I clicked on the link.

I crave closeness and affection over sex by a huge margin. Sex with people I don't have that strong a relationship with isn't something I'm fond of. To me, it's basically a means to finding someone to cozy up to. That's the world we live in, sadly. Either you're bonking someone or you'd better stay at least 4.5 feet away. There's no middle ground. The idea of an entire gathering which explicitly sets out to establish that middle ground sounds really, really great.

So, everyone just wait here while I investigate.
posted by 4easypayments at 2:56 PM on July 22, 2004

cuddle parties sound like cheaper versions of burning man, only without the random peoples trying to give you beads or get you to dance.
posted by Lizc at 2:58 PM on July 22, 2004

I am picturing a large group of people dressed as care bears and dry-humping each other while pretending it isn't happening. Or maybe just a bunch of furries.
posted by bargle at 3:36 PM on July 22, 2004

I am picturing a large group of people dressed as care bears...

Oh god, get it out! Get it out of my head! Aaaaggghhhh!
posted by aramaic at 3:45 PM on July 22, 2004

I find the reactions here amusing. How many of those who are creeped out by cuddling strangers have no problem with the idea of fucking strangers (provided they are attractive enough)?
I think this is because it is quite possible to have sex with someone without any real intimacy, but a real cuddle is something that has a higher level of emotional attachment. I think the whole idea of making plans to get together with a group of strangers to cuddle is way too forced - a cuddle should be spontaneous, not planned out and paid for in advance. I get the creeps just thinking about it.
posted by dg at 3:47 PM on July 22, 2004

cuddle parties sound like cheaper versions of burning man, only without the random peoples trying to give you beads or get you to dance.

[...]

I am picturing a large group of people dressed as care bears and dry-humping each other while pretending it isn't happening. Or maybe just a bunch of furries.

These two comments taken together just gave me a great Burning Man costume idea.
posted by DaShiv at 3:51 PM on July 22, 2004

I do dislike the word cuddle though, I keep thinking of milk that's gone off, and that's not conducive to happy touch.

Curdle up a little closer.
posted by fredosan at 4:17 PM on July 22, 2004

I am picturing a large group of people dressed as care bears

Could be worse. Could be naked people painted bright colors with heart-tattoos on their asses, with a few naked people painted blue wearing white stocking caps thrown in for good measure writhing together on the floor right in front of you like a bowl of maggots...

and then the bass solo starts.

It's enough to make you think that dropping out of that cult of Cthulhu-worshippers back at McMurdo might not have been so smart after all.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:00 PM on July 22, 2004

"it is quite possible to have sex with someone without any real intimacy, but a real cuddle is something that has a higher level of emotional attachment"

I don't know why people have this big hang up about their bodies or personal space.

I don't see the distinction between sex or cuddling either. You can't get more intimate than fucking, for Christ's sake. I understand the distinction between emotional and physical intimacy, but where you draw the line is entirely arbitrary.

I would find it no more difficult to cuddle with a stranger than fuck with a stranger.
posted by PigAlien at 6:32 PM on July 22, 2004

Cuddling is showing more emotion than fucking.

Whaa-aat, Mayor Curley!? What kind of mechanical, mindless, impersonal screwing have you been doing?

All I could think when I read this was, why does it cost $30/person? Someone must be making a killing.
posted by orange swan at 6:35 PM on July 22, 2004

And Pig is right - it doesn't make sense for someone to say, "I could have sex with a stranger, but I couldn't cuddle them, because it's too intimate."

I couldn't do either. Ugh.
posted by orange swan at 6:38 PM on July 22, 2004

I just like to watch.
posted by pekar wood at 7:15 PM on July 22, 2004

and laugh.
posted by pekar wood at 7:25 PM on July 22, 2004

It reminds of of hotel porn - you know, where they cut out all the actual sex?
_{not that I have actually watched hotel porn or anything . . .}
posted by sixdifferentways at 1:28 AM on July 23, 2004

I tried to post this yesterday, but the server was down (or something) & then I was out of town...

Part of the conception of a safe space in my mind is that someone can say
"yes" or "no" without anything weird happening.

so then I wonder if you can have a "safe space" for freaking out
that someone rejected you... only half joking; it seems like the basic use
of the safe space idea is that you get used to and accept the possible
consequences of doing something. as long as the options are laid out
beforehand, you can choose from among them without experiencing
difficulties... interesting.

re: anonymous sex vs. anonymous cuddling, it seems to me that the pleasures
and emotions associated with sex lend themselves more easily to brief,
fiery, passionate encounters where the anonymity of the other person is part
of what makes it exciting. In a cuddling scenario, while it's possible to
imagine warm, soothing, comforting encounters being pleasant with people you
don't know, it hardly seems plausible that it would increase the benefits,
and so it's hard to see how this isn't the result of a culture where we
don't touch our friends enough...

Of course, you often read that there are men who go to pros just to talk and
cuddle, not necessarily to fuck (not necessarily not to, but just that human
voice, warm skin, etc, are more important than a RealDoll wet orifice, and
sometimes they don't bother with/get to the sex part). Still, they want
'sexual tension' cuddling, which maybe is even fundamentally different from
'another human being' cuddling... probably there isn't a strict split, but
touching someone you're attracted to is different from touching someone you
care about but are not attracted to, which is different from touching
someone to whom your feelings are indifferent, which is different from
touching someone you don't like or find physically repellant.

Anyhoo. Yeah, just get a little drunk with your friends.
posted by mdn at 1:39 PM on July 23, 2004