Belief-O-Matic

July 30, 2004 4:32 AM

We have all seen online quizzes to aid in making important life choices. For instance, this quiz purports to guide you in making career choices. Confused about religion and seeking to find a faith that suits your beliefs, now we have Belief-O-Matic.
posted by caddis (22 comments total)

So, I should be an Orthodox Quaker Novelist? For some odd reason, I have doubts about the accuracy of both of these quizzes.
posted by dg at 4:42 AM on July 30, 2004

It said that I should be a secular humanist. Go figure.
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:44 AM on July 30, 2004

I scored Unitarian Universalist... followed by LIBERAL QUAKER. Whatever... I'll go Quaker if I have to. I'm down with Quakin'.
posted by Witty at 5:26 AM on July 30, 2004

what i actually am came in 3rd:
Unitarian Universalism (100%)
Liberal Quakers (96%)
Reform Judaism (88%)
posted by amberglow at 6:07 AM on July 30, 2004

Wait, "Mainline to Liberal Protestant" is a single category? Are Lutherans & Episcopalians really the same?

Like amberglow, my actual religion came in third (UU at 96%), preceded by Liberal Quaker (99%) and Liberal Protestant (100%!)
posted by Johnny Assay at 6:20 AM on July 30, 2004

I recall that after this quiz first came out, 'Friends' were deluged with folks who recieved 'Liberal Quaker' as their top choice. *went to Quaker liberal arts college*
posted by leotrotsky at 6:23 AM on July 30, 2004

Huh, I thought beliefnet went down years ago. Glad to see it's back.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:12 AM on July 30, 2004

Scored 100% as Secular Humanist. So how exactly can it score me higher as a Liberal Quaker (84%) than a Nontheist (78%)?

"You know, you're practically a Quaker... except for that whole not believing in God bit, of course, but that's only about 16% of what Liberal Quakerism's all about. Just believe in God on Sunday, and you're pretty much covered the rest of the week."

And UU kinda skews the results. When you'll take anybody no matter what they believe, it's hard to find people that don't align with that. I have a feeling Groucho Marx is about the only person whose beliefs wouldn't match with them.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 7:19 AM on July 30, 2004

(oh, and it's interesting to see I'd fit in better with Mormons (40%) and Jehovah's Witnesses (28%) than Eastern Orthodoxy, Islam, Orthodox Judaism, and Roman Catholicism (9% each). Personal experience, on the other hand...)
posted by GhostintheMachine at 7:23 AM on July 30, 2004

If you put "None of the above" or "Not applicable" for everything, it gives you 100% for Bahá'í Faith, Christian Science, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), Jehovah's Witness, and Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (some strange bedfellows in there); 66% for Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant; 50% for Liberal Quakers; 33% for New Thought and Unitarian Universalism; 26% for Nontheist and Secular Humanism; 13% for Neo-Pagan; and 0% for Eastern Orthodox and all the rest.
posted by languagehat at 7:35 AM on July 30, 2004

Not to snark too much but:
from the post
now we have Belief-O-Matic

from the page
Copyright © 2000-2001 SelectSmart.com

Which is probably when I first saw it.
posted by signal at 7:54 AM on July 30, 2004

What I was raised as (RC) came in dead last, just behind Jehovah's Witness and Scientology.

1. I couldn't help but notice that Nihilism isn't on the list. (I know, thank you The Big Lebowski, that Nihilism isn't really an ethos, but still.)

2. I tried the test answering hardcore atheism down the line, and "Nontheism" only came up third at 86%. That could be a glitch, but I'd bet that it's just not really geared to active nonbelievers, is all.
posted by chicobangs at 8:00 AM on July 30, 2004

SAY-TAN!

Not 'cause I believe, but 'cause I love to stir the pot™.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:03 AM on July 30, 2004

Mmmm. Stirred pot of saitan...

UU followed by Secular Humanist. Also I'm as equally likely to be a Scientologist as LDS (36%).
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 8:09 AM on July 30, 2004

Also I'm as equally likely to be a Scientologist as LDS (36%).

Those two need some sort of fusion. "The alien warlord Xenu killed a ton of enemies, whose souls infested Jesus and Native Americans, who are really a lost tribe of Israel."
posted by Mayor Curley at 8:15 AM on July 30, 2004

I took the belief-o-matic a while back and it told me that I am closest to Reform Jew (I was raised catholic though, which ranked very very low on my list, heh heh).

The career thing told me that becoming a university professor, something I am working toward, would indeed be right up my alley. I swear that in high school I took one of these in a class and it suggested "Mime."
posted by synecdoche at 9:38 AM on July 30, 2004

A Christian Joke

"This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.  When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head. "
posted by troutfishing at 9:40 AM on July 30, 2004

Hmm.. neat.

1. Bahá'í Faith (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (99%)
3. Reform Judaism (95%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (95%)
5. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (91%)
posted by Space Coyote at 3:11 PM on July 30, 2004

1. Theravada Buddhism (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (89%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (87%)
4. Liberal Quakers (80%)
5. Neo-Pagan (73%)
posted by pieoverdone at 5:26 PM on July 30, 2004

I found this interesting, for my top career options:
* Artist
* Historian
* Banker
* Novelist
* University Professor

banker?! the rest are all completely in sync with my goals and interests, but banker? Funny.

and then for religion:
1.  Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2.  Secular Humanism (94%)
3.  Liberal Quakers (92%)
4.  Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (86%)
5.  Theravada Buddhism (74%)

again, I'm fine with 4/5, but mainline christian protestants? some of the questions were weird though... I think of myself as basically a secular humanist with a strong interest in ethics and aesthetics (interpreted as a love of nature, too, like the greek "kosmos" which means both "world" and "beauty") - so UU or neo-pagan is ok as long as we're not taking stuff too literally. But I don't see how they got christianity out of any answers I gave...
posted by mdn at 7:47 PM on July 30, 2004

trout, do you have to be Christian to get that joke? (bec. i'm not, and i didn't) : >
posted by amberglow at 7:51 PM on July 30, 2004

amber, consider the homophones, how they cause humor. They satirize not, neither do they make reference to bodily functions. But I tell you that even Moe in all his glory was not as funny as one of these.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:33 PM on July 30, 2004